I'm a lovelyz welcome back to my channel
if you're new please hit the subscribe
button and the notification bell I do
videos on everything from drug addiction
and alcoholism to eating disorders and
mainly borderline personality disorder
as well as other mental health issues
say guys I'm really apologize I wasn't
here last Friday
basically my amazing wonderful funny
intelligent uncle Tommy it was also my
Godfather
he passed away last week so last Friday
I was traveling out to Dublin in Ireland
for the funeral the week's been quite
difficult I am obviously going through a
grieving process and I'm kind of going
to discuss that with you today because
when you have borderline personality
disorder we have extreme emotions and
those intense emotions are often what
lead us to crisis point
now I've kind of talked to you before
that there's a scale of nought to 10 10
is when we're a crisis point nor is the
opposite we're okay we spend a lot of
time around 3 & 4 without even realizing
it's when we get to 8 really that we're
gonna have trouble if you get to an 8
you're highly likely you're gonna go to
crisis point I'm not saying it's
impossible to bring yourself back down
from an 8 but it does get incredibly
difficult so this week I have allowed
myself to cry because I love my uncle
I'm gonna miss my uncle but because I'm
in recovery and I know about this scale
and I'm quite well aware of where I am
on it I have to limit my crying and I'll
tell you how I do that so what I'm
finding is it is hitting me in waves
one minute I'm fine all of sudden I feel
like I've been you know winded like the
winds been taken out me all right ah
a cry now when I stop crying
I often then start thinking back to all
the times that I spent with my uncle
going right back to when I was a baby he
was a teenager when I was born and he
would go down the park with me I don't
actually remember that but I know that
happened because of photos but in my
head I'll remind myself of the times
he'd went to the park with me and all
the times he took me out as a child to
theme parks or wherever then as a
teenager we'd go out for a bite to eat
when I was in my 20s we'd always go and
have black are gonna have a drink with
him at heart he didn't actually drink he
he went teetotal but my mind will remind
me of all these things the problem with
is when you're going over this
this can only intensify the emotion
that's already intense so what I've been
doing is I cry for a man I might have a
few thoughts but then I distract myself
a half-two because I don't want to go to
an eight or a nine and hit crisis point
I did that like ten years ago when my
Nana passed away I I think just spent a
long long time at crisis point
I was no help to anyone around me I was
just so upset as my help to myself it
wasn't a nice light police to be it was
absolutely devastating and I don't want
that today I need to know okay I have
intense emotions but actually though I
do have some kind of control over them
and my thoughts is where that's at I
have to stop going over all the times I
spent with my uncle um but at the same
time I have to allow myself to cry as
well because with grief it is a process
that you go through and I know I can't
just completely block it and not focus
on it because it will come out in other
ways so the second thing I kind of
wanted to talk to you guys about
and was like in recovery things happen
that are out that control now for those
you know I have a brother called Carl
he's my baby brother even though they
five and he was always fit and healthy a
few years ago he started walking like he
was drunk say he'd been walking down the
road a few steps sideways a few forward
few steps sideways you forward and he
started slurring his words he actually
got diagnosed with spinocerebellar
ataxia now the cerebellum which is the
part of the back of our brain that's
responsible for motor skills such as
walking talking eating this is just
breaking down and there's no cure and
there's nothing that we can do to halt
it so I did do a video with my brother I
believe last summer when we were in
Devon and if any of you have seen it
you'll see he's slurring his words a bit
then but I mean he it's deteriorated a
lot since then he is in a wheelchair now
my brother and my uncle Tommy was so so
close and it was important he was at the
funeral with me it meant I would be
looking after my brother and I did have
fear around that because my mum does
everything they live two hours away
which I know if you're in America that's
like down the road because America so
huge but over here we're on this tiny
little island UK and to ours is a bit of
a trek it's not just down the road so my
mum does everything for my brother and I
was thinking how am I gonna go but I did
I there was one point I fed him I mean
he can feed himself at the moment but
his food needs to be very soft at me
speak up so he doesn't risk taking I
brushed his teeth I wheeled him right in
his wheelchair he's not long been in it
in a wheelchair so we haven't got like
an electric one with all the
amazing stuff on it at the moment and I
realized that I can understand him
because I've been around him a lot so I
kind of acted as a translator to the
rest of the family when anyone like
hears about what my family are going
through with my brother they'll always
say like how do you cope and that's the
thing okay so my life used to be in
chaos and I came into recovery and my
uncle has passed away
my brother has a degenerative brain
disease recovery does not mean life will
be easy because we are powerless over
other people places and things we can't
stop things happening what recovery does
give us is the tools to be able to cope
so whereas if this had happened 15 years
ago I would have probably just
completely turned to drugs and I've been
in crisis point I would not be able to
look after my brother I wouldn't be able
to there to chat with my mom and give
her some kind of moral support but
that's what recovery does do I can be
useful today it's not all about me and
the crisis that I'm going through
actually other people are involved and I
can be helpful there my brother I'm
really lucky he's got like a wicked
sense of humor and I sent him funny
videos we're going to see a comedian in
October Romesh Ranganathan that we're
both really looking forward to and the
trip looking after him did make me
realize actually I can do this which is
really important because my mum and my
stepdad and my brother are actually
gonna be moving down so I'm in
Bournemouth on the south coast of
England they're gonna be moving down
here and they're just trying to sell the
house at the moment and find somewhere
that's accessible and appropriate like
and okay for my brother so when they're
down here I will be able to do so much
more for him the thing is I don't dwell
on it I don't say why me why my brother
why is this happen to my family and I
think I don't do that because I have
like I'm not religious I don't follow a
particular religion but I do really have
certain beliefs one of those beliefs is
I do not believe death is the end I
believe wherever we came from we came
here we're in this body when we die we
go back to where we were and we are all
together again and that's given me a lot
of kind of peace around my uncle because
I do believe he's back with my Nana and
granddad and my uncle doc who was like
extremely close with my uncle Tommy and
that's given me like that really helped
me I also believe that before we come to
earth and we live this life we know what
life we're gonna live we might not know
every single tiny detail because we have
freewill we have choice but I believe
our lives are kind of outlined and we've
chosen to live this life for a reason to
help our soul or a spirit grow in
whatever way we wanted to experience
things a certain way and I do think we
knew that we forget it obviously when
we're here we don't realize that but I
don't believe I believe basically where
we are strong enough to cope with what
we've come we've come here to cope with
we do have it within us don't get me
wrong guys like 15 years ago if someone
had said this is going to happen your
brother's gonna get ill like I said I'd
hit crisis point I would have thought
there's no way I'm dealing with that but
here's the good thing we can't actually
to tell the future and that is a good
thing because how do I known that back
then maybe I wouldn't have recovered
from the BPD because I do get so caught
up about and like loads of fear about
what's going to happen in my future
but I didn't know and I'm here today I'm
in recovery and I don't know what the
next year has in store for me I don't
know what the next 10 years or 20 years
at fate I have no idea so what's the
point in me focusing on and fearing it
all I can do is focus on today and I say
this to my mom a lot actually like
there's no point we have no idea what's
ahead of us but what we do is we deal
with just just today that's it keep it
in the day and and it makes it easier
for us um because we're not then so
caught up in fear of the future that
we're not able to live in the present
moment do you know I just filmed this
video actually and I talked for like 25
minutes and I'm looking now and it's
like 11:45 11 46 47 and I must have
missed loads out but I didn't want to
prow 25-minute video just going to go on
right so okay say one story that I did
tell in the other video so the day my
uncle died not Wednesday just got the
Wednesday before but I didn't know he'd
passed away in the morning I got up in
the morning I did the school run I
decided to go to the local supermarket
to buy some big potatoes to do jacket
potatoes cheese and beans for dinner as
Wednesday's swimming night I went to the
local supermarket and I couldn't stop
thinking about my nan it was my nan and
actually my uncle duck who and my uncle
my uncle Tommy I said very very very
close so I couldn't stop thinking them I
went to the supermarket to get these big
potatoes I ended up buying stuff for an
Irish stew I came back I made an Irish
do the last time I made an Irish stew
was when my dad was over not January
just gone the January before so a year
and a half ago was the last time I made
naira stew and my nan made a nice -
every single day for over 40 years
it was like that's what everyone had and
we loved it and I made it that day
and I was thinking about my nan and I
was thinking about my uncle duck a lot
and the kids came home from school and
before swimming they wanted some Irish
stew so they're dunking their bread and
I'm telling them stories about my uncle
duck I'm telling the stories about my
nan and we went to swimming lessons and
I got the phone call so my uncle Tommy
had passed away and for me it was kind
of proof I truly do believe that my Nana
I believe my uncle duck they were close
by because I have never spent a whole
day just thinking about them and making
stew and not doing anything I was like
it was like they completely consumed all
my thoughts and I truly believe it's
because they were close by and I believe
they were there to come and collect my
like take my uncle Tommy and I feel he
is with them now and that has given me
peace as well and you know no matter how
bad you think things are I think all you
have to do is just if you just keep it
in the moment and don't let all that
fear around us completely consume us we
can get through it and that's really
what I'll need to talk about today was
the fact that actually just because
you're in recovery it doesn't mean life
stops life goes on and life can be
really painful at times but again
accepting that some things are out of
our control and I say that to my mum
right rather than us thinking oh my God
why why us and we've got to understand
actually there's nothing we can do this
is happening what we can do is focus on
how we deal with it and that includes
not letting it get us down trying to
focus on the positives in our lives try
to keep it in the day and don't start
like because our mind a mind the lady
that used to run the rehab I've told you
before she used to say
mind is like the bad part of town don't
go there on your own and it's so true
because if I got sat here with my mind
racing and then thinking about the
future and thinking of all the negative
things that could happen it would
destroy me and I can't let that happen
so instead I don't I can distract my
mind I can just focus on the here and
now mindfulness is a great thing
teaching you how to focus on the near
and near and how here and now so that's
basically kind of what's been going on
for me my lovelies
I'm okay like I'm just okay even
grieving it's okay to grieve but I will
be back from Friday properly again I did
miss putting up with you out for you
last week you're not gonna try and do it
from the airport and then I was gonna do
it from Island but I was just it just
wasn't meant to be so I just didn't say
like I said I will be back Friday if any
of you have any questions regarding you
can ask me anything might be about my
brother might be mad about grieving
coping in difficult situations maybe
fill up on sick please feel free to ask
me in the comments and I will answer as
honestly as I can I love you all eight