I had an opportunity today to chat with my daughters class teacher and give him any information that helps him gain a better understanding of my daughter. It felt really freeing to be honest…I spent so many years being dishonest and today I don’t need to be. Opening up with someone can be really enpowering.
hi guys happy Tuesday I apologized there was no video yesterday I had a poorly child at home but he's gone into school today so I'm gonna do a quick video that was supposed to be out yesterday today I wasn't sure what video I was gonna do but I'm gonna tell you what I did today basically I had an appointment up at the school and whereas they used to do parents evening this was so your teacher can get to know more about us and by getting to know about the family and any significant events in our lives that may have affected our children it helps them understand our children more so obviously like it was a half hour appointment and I had so much to say because I do I do to always try to actually have this conversation with teachers so they do understand my children that a little bit more it was for my daughter and I was thinking how she has literally been through so much when she was born like she was the apple of my eye I mean she still is me and her are so close what me and all the children are so close but it was just me and her and we were so so close I really made a rod from my own back by never putting her downs then she didn't want anyone else to hold her I was always having to be there and it was a wonderful and then when she was 1 I got pregnant and a few months before her second birthday her brother arrived and it's just unfortunate that when he was a couple of months old she she was just turning 2 at the time there was a blow to my marriage I found out my ex husband had been phoning my best friend and the marriage just kind of erupted and we were arguing I started using drugs again I started drinking again I was always screaming at her dad I was crying constantly now my little girl doesn't really remember any of it she doesn't remember me living with her bad but it must have affected her in some ways and sometimes like she's mean to her brother Kim who's like 20 22 months younger she's quite can be quite mean and I often think is it because like she life is she knew it that was just lovely and happy and joyful and then all of a sudden it just happens when her brother came along everything turned to and it was just awful when she was three three and a half well three I went to live with my mum with the children I was still with their dad but I went to live with my mum and then when she was three-and-a-half I went into rehab so she had been with me all the time and all of a sudden I went and I was in rehab for a long time and when I got out my mum said look I'll keep hold of the children you need to sell because I chosen to relocate and I didn't want her missing out of school because she'd started school I missed her first day at school so we had all this going on and then when she came back to live with me well I had I had her baby brother on her fifth birthday and then two weeks later she herself and Keon came back to live and all of a sudden everything was different they were living with me it was a real struggle in the beginning she started a new school so she'd left the school that she knew and it was like she's literally had so much going on in her life she's really really close with my brother as well now those he who watch my videos regularly know that I've talked about my brother was diagnosed with spinocerebellar ataxia which is the cerebellum back here which is the part of his brain which responsible for motor skills so talking walking moving basically is degenerating it's just breaking down so initially he started just being unsteady on his feet and then it got a bit worse then he started falling and like today he really struggles to walk he really really struggles to talk he had an appointment today and he actually my mum was saying he used the phone app because it was easier to be understood so I talked about all this because like I said my daughter absolutely adores my brother and I wanted to share this video because I think there's something very freeing in there's something very freeing in being able to be really honest and I think for me I spent so many years using drugs and that everything was very secretive I didn't want anyone knowing where I was going or who I was going to see or where I'd been or where my money had gone it was constantly trying to cover my tracks and like I said really secretive so I'd often go around with you know that like anxiety butterflies in your stomach like thinking I'm gonna get cool out I'm gonna get cool out and so today it's really nice to be able to go this is how it is I was a drug addict because I I would never have said that years ago I refused to think of myself as an addict I did not think I was addicted I felt like I was in control I was in complete denial about everything so now being able to actually say yeah I was addicted this is how it was is freeing I mean there's no point in me not opening up and being honest because I put all my stuff on YouTube anyway so but I was also able to like talk about how life is today and life is really good family life is good family life is stressful Corsa dezer now I have four children I'd be lying if I said piece of cake but we are really really happy we were a happy family I wouldn't say we're perfect I'm certainly not the perfect mum I make mistakes I have bad days but overall we're really really happy and we all stick together and we're honest with each other it's difficult when you've got four children to have one-on-one time I say that's why I read to them individually at night so they have that one-on-one time where we can sit and talk my little boy Eason I was reading the ugly duckling to him the other night and it was for him because he starts school so it's one of those books teaching them to read so it's very repetitive and very simple so it was like the ugly duckling met a boy the boy said you are ugly go away and then the ugly duckling met a girl the girl said you are ugly go away and so we read that story not to it down a slide keep mommy kiss and he just looked at me human you are ugly go away Kian was just killing himself laughing I love banks and so they still keep bringing them up mommy's buggy oh hey thanks guys yeah I think my children have stability today they get to school they're clean they're what they're clothed they well-fed no like I'm not perfect who is I don't strive for perfection because I think I'd always fall short and then I'd be beating myself up about it but I just think I do my best each day I can just do my best and some days I don't even do that but I'll feel bad about it maybe I'll make up for it the next day or apologize if I've been particularly grumpy because hey I get grumpy at times but yeah life is good and I would suggest to anyone like if you do like have children at school to talk to the teachers because they can offer you added like extra support it does help them to understand your children more maybe you're someone and you don't have children but just having that someone to talk to and be honest with is so nice and maybe it would be someone at work maybe it would just be a friend who won't be judging judging you because what I'm gonna say now is actually quite contradictory through my youtube channel I've realized just how stigmatized borderline personality disorder is addiction is and I really realize that but since I've been in recovery whenever I tell people like my story or I talk about it I've always been shocked at how non-judgmental people have been like the mums at the school I really thought like oh I don't want them to know they might judge me they won't want their children playing with my children because they'll think of all their mums next addict don't go near her but actually it's been people have been so non-judgmental and nothing that really really supportive and it's been so nice I no longer feel like I'm walking around with this big secret that I don't want anyone to know about because I've just put it out there and told people and I know that I try to change I tried to do my best but yeah it was quite nice having that conversation today because I was thinking wow like everything that my kids did go through to like where they are now I mean it's amazing they've come so far and they've done so well and they're really good kids um I mean my little girl can be like mouthy sometimes like a little teenager we had a argument the other day she couldn't find some ring she saw I put rings on I haven't got any on today but I put them on and she was like where's my ring last I don't know maybe you should have some respect for your stuff instead of losing it and she just lost it and she was like you are a disgusting person and I went yes I've got nice rings like then I went downstairs and I got to the bottom of the stairs and this thing went flying past my head and hit the wall she liked the phone in this toy is Peppa Pig house at my head I was like you're kidding me I mean she's lucky it didn't hit me and it's the first time she's lost it and to be fair I didn't have to get but I got nice rings like I did wind her up so that yes if that's been going on for me today I've been talking for too long and I need to do interpersonal effectiveness videos I did DBT videos ages ago I've done a motion regulation I did mindfulness I did her distress tolerance I didn't ever get around to doing interpersonal effectiveness and I keep getting requested it over the past like two years and I haven't got around to do it and I am gonna do it because I actually know this is really important that's a really important section relationships is well like we have most of our problems that causes us notice the pain most pain and I also need to complete my 12 steps of a a I started doing the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous I believe I'm up to about number 10 again haven't done them I need to I know I've been through the step so I can do them and give you my opinion on them and what kind of went through my head doing them so I need to get that up to date so when people click on that playlist they have all 12 steps and I also need to complete my 10 steps that I believe you can take to help you recover from borderline personality disorder so what you might find over the next few weeks is getting a few random videos thrown out on different days because like I said I'm trying to catch up a little bit but I'll be back tomorrow anyway and yeah I love you
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