hi guys happy Wednesday today I'm doing
a video request from MC dizzy D hi and
they asked me to discuss like when we
come into recovery looking back and
feeling embarrassed now first of all
like I always say to recovery is
possible and we can recover and secondly
I've told you before that I am such a
different person today like I look back
at myself like I was a stranger like who
was that crazy girl
I think I even thought differently I
mean I used to swear in every sentence
like the language I used for so bad all
the time and I would stalk guys I had a
horrid temper I was just I just wasn't
really a very nice person and I do kind
of look back and it is like looking at a
stranger okay so there's something I
have to talk I have to be careful
because my mom watches my videos but my
mum knows about this but I think she
prefers me not to talk to anyone about
it basically I was a lap dancer no like
I did not sleep with any of the clients
it was believe it or not quite a
reputable club um but even if it wasn't
about that wasn't me it was like no
touching just dancing nude I'm getting a
lot of money for it
do I look back and feel embarrassed
about it
mmm not really because it's just
something that I did at that time my
life
would I do it now no no one because I
wouldn't want to to because I couldn't
I'm not like as fit as I used to be and
I'm well past it now on 36 I'm so past
lap dancing but I was younger then my
reasons for doing it were really weird
basically I'd been going out with a guy
and he used to leave me at home and go
to lap dancing clubs and so when we
broke up I was just like for you I'm
gonna I'm gonna go too
but I'll be the one in the bowl and
leave I'm not getting actually my
self-esteem was so bad at this point now
when I when I was working there I would
be so drunk and high on drugs I couldn't
have done it sober because like I said I
was I was just I had no self-confidence
believe it or not I just didn't but I
would just get really drunk and just
think oh is that a body so there you
have it
so looking back on my past there were
plenty of things that I could be really
embarrassed about I mean all the times I
kicked off in a pub in front of people
the way I used to behave I told you the
story about arguing with a boyfriend and
squishing my boobs on the window of a
restaurant before I mean that is so
crazy
I cringe now really the time I was
walking down the road again having that
argument I'm so - annoying my partner
it's just like flashing - passing cars
and this is about 9 a.m. in the morning
when people are in a traffic jam going
to work so they're not even just driving
past they're just they're parked and I'm
flashing screaming at them like a bloody
lunatic so
I do have a lot that I can look back on
and be like well what good does that do
me
I to be fair i live in a completely
different area now i moved two hours
away so i don't see all those people but
i'm sure one day away and yeah that's
who I was then that was phase I went
through and the way I see it it's what
made me who I am today
do I regret things well I think anyone
can regret certain things I regret
hurting people that's like my biggest
regret because I hurt a lot of people
and I never meant to hurt them and but I
do believe in like the old saying don't
um regret what you do regret what you
don't do and I this we have one life and
we got a live it unfortunately if we
have BPD we can live it in a certain way
that we possibly wouldn't do if we
didn't have BPD but hey we didn't choose
to have it we just have it but we don't
have to stay living like that we can
make changes we can make changes today
to start recovering and be the person
that we want to be because I heard back
then I I didn't want to be this angry
person that just swore and it was just
not nice and very very crazy but I don't
know I don't regret it
um I can cringe yes I can look back and
cringe for sure definitely at lots of
things
but that's that's part of that was my
life like that was it
I can't change it and I'm certainly not
going to let it hold me back and be in a
place where I'm constantly cringing so
much that I can't move forward with my
recovery because all I can do is think
in the past the past is in the past
people we've just got to let go and we
can't keep focusing right forward either
on the future we've got to focus now
what can I do today what can I lose
today for my recovery our lines are
really good at tormenting us and either
just dreading the future or looking back
with regrets on the past and we're
completely missing the present moment
that the present moments where it
happens like this is where recovery
stars and so it's important we do keep
hitting the day when we find our mind
going off we need to be able to bring it
back and skills such as mindfulness are
good at that other things you can do
learning to master your mind and things
like yoga and I I really want us to get
back into yogurt I haven't done it for a
long time there I would highly suggest
doing stuff like that and you'll get to
a point to start with your mind will go
and you'll keep having to drag it back
because our mind loves to go wandering
off especially to negative things
because that's the way we've been
thinking that that negative thinking for
so long so what we'll find is that
eventually the more into starts
wandering less and less and we have more
control over our thoughts because we
often feel like we have no control but
we can we can have control over them so
it's important that we do that rather
than literally just worrying about the
past and in
book I have written about making amends
to people so certain things like if we
behaved in such a way that we're really
embarrassed round we can eventually get
to a point where we can just go and say
I'm sorry sorry others like that it
doesn't mean people will forgive us but
we can apologize for our actions I'm not
talking about now because I think it's
quite dangerous thing to do early on in
recovery you definitely have to get to a
place where you're much stronger I have
some exciting news I'm gonna be doing
some kind of giveaway like competition
and where I will give out copies of my
book but I just need to finalize it with
the publisher because obviously they're
the ones that have the book but I will
be back on Friday I love you all loads