Throughout my life I have had many embarassing situations .  My BPD caused me such intense emotions and I did not know how to control them – and it didn’t matter who was around.

hi guys I'm doing a video request from
ice cold who asked me about embarrassing
yourself in front of partners friends
etc then having to see them again
especially when they don't move know
about our mental health I can relate
this I have literally done the most
embarrassing things in front of partners
families friends complete strangers and
a lot of these people did not know about
my mental health I'm pretty sure
however they guessed because the way I
would behave wasn't normal
especially because not only did I have
borderline or I have order line but I
was using cocaine I was drinking a lot
of alcohol and these things in
themselves alone without the mental
health can make us behave in a way that
we wouldn't usually behave so I remember
going out with next partner and we were
meeting his best friend his best
friend's girlfriend because it was her
birthday and all her family her mom her
dad her brother and I had too much to
drink and I was doing cocaine so I
wasn't really eating we went out for a
meal and I started telling these girls
dad like really inappropriate things
about my past about past boyfriends and
asking him if he thought
I needed a lube job my ex was sat there
water fied his best friend was more
certified the girl was mortified this
dad and his wife were mortified just
like not knowing what to say I acted
completely inappropriately I carried on
drinking and if I remember correctly I
then started thinking this laughing at
me behind my back which they probably
were because of the way I was behaving
and I got in a real strop and i sat
there really moodily then so I went from
120 to be a problem I'm not talking to
any wife and this unfortunately was the
norm for me this was a regular
occurrence I used to do stuff like it is
quite a lot I can think of so many
embarrassing things but I'm so aware my
mom will watch this video my mom watches
all my video to be sense for you today
sure do you have another video come out
her so look forward to it
I think mom you know I talk to multiple
times a day on the phone but I don't
seem I see my mum every two weeks and
she comes down so and I did used to see
her every day so I suppose it's her
seeing me hi mom but um yeah I'm really
aware of how I was like I don't know if
I said it in another video recently one
time I can't remember what happened I'd
had my mum reminded me kindly that I had
had a row with my partner I said I was
moving out I told my mum to come and get
me so she came to the house sat outside
in the car for an hour and I didn't come
out every time she came knocked on the
door I was like give me a minute and I
didn't come out so she waited like
another half hour and she thought I've
had enough I'm going to the gym so she
went to the gym I was so angry when I
came out that she wasn't there I stormed
down to the gym
and started banging all the cubicles in
the changing room screaming my mum said
she just sat there quietly thinking ah
keep quiet and she went on here because
she was so embarrassed
of how I was behaving I begley remember
well I do remember going mad at the gym
but I didn't remember what it was over
and it's because my 4-month didn't sit
outside house for two hours and wait for
I used to embarrass myself in front of
partners friends a lot just by being
either probably over-friendly getting
drunk and thinking I would stand on a
table and flash can't believe I'm
telling you this this is not something I
would ever do nowadays because it's so
embarrassing and I like to think I have
more respect for myself nowadays and I'm
a mum now it's just something that even
now I think back to and I cringe I can
remember having an argument if my ex and
we were having such a row and I was
saying like you don't even like me and
doing all that standing in the street it
was a busy high street and we were
outside a restaurant and I noticed
people in the restaurant were looking
out and so I thought it was appropriate
to pull my top up it's washing my dreams
the restaurant window where there were
all these people eating and this was in
front of my partner and all his friends
and strangers as you can say hey I
really cringing at this
out because I can't believe I used to
behave like that
but it was a combination of the alcohol
the drugs and my intense intense
emotions where I was like I'm gonna make
a point here and I'm going to shock you
and I did a lot of shocking things a lot
at the time and I scold mentioned like
how do you deal with it when you then
have to see those people again and I
will be honest with you when I saw the
people again I was drunk I was using and
my mind had a good way of kind of
blocking things that I just didn't want
to remember so I'd just go out and do it
all over again when I back then like I
was drinking and using everyday so it's
not like I had to face them sober except
actually except I remember one time
bumping into my ex-partners best friends
mum and dad you know the ones that I
talked about the boob job
and should I have one I bumped into them
in the doctor's surgery and I wasn't
drinking and using and it was really
really awkward and I kind of just said
hi here put my head down and walked out
and if I remember correctly I went
straight down the pub and start drinking
again because I felt so much shame and
guilt and embarrassment all the time and
drink numbed that for me but obviously
drink doesn't solve it it makes it so
much worse because I didn't change who I
was at all I carried on behaving the way
I did
just because I was numbing it forgetting
it did not stop everyone else forgetting
the way I behaved because this was an
ongoing thing and I didn't have to face
to it because I was drunk
there was one time we're in a nightclub
I think I talked about this when I said
about playing dead over there I got in a
fight with a bouncer and I played dead
to the point this is really embarrassing
this is what I didn't say my other video
but I'm gonna own it today I'm gonna own
my stuff today to the point an ambulance
is called they didn't need to take me
away in the ambulance I think the
ambulance man were quite like they could
see quite clearly that what I was doing
was a big show and it wasn't an
now that makes me feel bad because June
what they work hard and there's people
that generally need it and there's me
playing dead on a night my nightclub
floor because what I've got knocked down
by a bouncer and I was embarrassed and I
didn't know how to just face up to
things so for me I would just play dead
all right pop out I'm gonna leave it
there because she's crying and but yeah
I'll be back in the week with love video
bye guys coming near
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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