Fear of Abandonment is a core trait of BPD, although lots of people who don’t have BPD do still have this trait. Today I discuss my fear of abandonment and a few skills on how to overcome it.

Transcript:
hi my lovelies happy Friday today I am
going to do a video on fear of
abandonment now I know I have done
videos before and fear of abandonment
but I've had a couple of messages
through on Instagram
hi Maria hi Kim and they were both kind
of they the messages were about fear of
abandonment so I thought well I'll just
do a video on it and it's quite useful
because I've actually just finished
writing that fear of abandonment in my
book so it's kind of kind of all fresh
in my head look she's here that's see hi
Lottie
see hi just give a big smile you'll see
hi he need a wave in a wave you tell
she's not well my poor little baby you
know well oh ma
what fight done oh sorry guys okay so
what is fear of abandonment um it's
quite simple really
it's having that fear that someone is
going to leave us fear of abandonment is
like a core trait of borderline
personality disorder
and nearly everyone with borderline will
have this fear very lovely smiles I'll
put you in the camera in July while
you're eating your lunch
so yeah it's having this fear that
people are going to leave us the thing
is up my friends briefing the thing is
right back to the video back to the
video
how long will do I found this really
deep voice and she loves it
[Laughter]
you okay okay nothing my nonsense I
never knew I had
fear abandonment I never knew that was a
trait that I had I didn't ever
consciously think I think everyone is
gonna leave me I just thought they were
gonna leave me but it was like an
unconscious thing I wasn't aware of it I
just constantly whatever relationship
whether I was in whether it was romantic
friendship family I just thought this
person's gonna leave me for this reason
and I would make up the reasons in my
head it might be if it was a friend Oh
they've got other friends that they
think are better than me that cooler
than me that funnier than funnier than
me if it was a boyfriend I would usually
think they are going to cheat on me and
all their friends aren't gonna like me
and persuade them not to like me and my
family
I tended to think they're just gonna get
fed up of me
and not want me to be around anymore so
I had this fear of abandonment and I
feared that people are gonna leave but I
wasn't consciously because in my head I
didn't think they they might leave me I
thought they are going to leave me it
would there was kind of no give-and-take
no well maybe they'll leave me maybe
they were they were going to leave me
and and I would make frantic efforts to
avoid that and with friends I would
smother them want to be there all the
time because I thought if I cling on
really tight and I'm there all the time
they can't possibly leave me
but unfortunately whoa what you doing
win yeah that's why I put this chair
behind it so you can't kick back you
toad so and yeah unfortunately pretty
nearly all the time had the opposite
effect I would make these frantic
efforts to keep someone and I would
actually push them away and it would
have the opposite effect was they would
leave me and then because they had left
me I would be like ha I knew I was right
I knew they were going to leave me I
knew it
don't eat the whole sandwich in once so
it was the same with boyfriends I would
smother them I would try and check up on
them I could be a bit stalkerish I would
be phoning them constantly if they
didn't answer the phone I would just
turn up at their work and to people
without BPD this is a normal and it
don't appreciate
people just turning up and they did not
appreciate my frantic efforts if I'd had
an argument with a boyfriend and they
were gonna go off I have been known to
lie in the middle of the road in front
of their car so they can't drive off
again another frantic effort I like it
they're not gonna rob me over surely and
then they'll get out the car and I'll
stay and they'll be with me it didn't
work they often get out the car will
walk off with me running down the road
screaming like a banshee after them so
so you can see I have suffered with fear
of abandonment and I'm sure a lot of you
can relate to constantly thinking they
don't want to be a friend anymore they
don't want to be with me anymore and
then our mind goes into overtime and we
think for the reasons why they are going
to leave because if we can work out why
they're gonna leave then surely we can
solve the problem before it happens and
that's where our frantic efforts come in
the thing the fear of abandonment it
actually often stems from childhood
not always and but what you will
probably find it will have stemmed from
a past event so it in childhood it might
be a parent leaving through divorce or
whatever reason I know sunshine in the
book I do go into where I believe my
favorite of abandonment stemmed from
partially the divorce of my parents my
dad Lee who my dad going to give an
island but what you might find is no you
were never abandoned
as a child but you had a marriage that
broke down someone left you or a partner
cheated on you or something like that
that can also then lead you to have that
fear of abandonment and bring it into
your next relationship what are you
doing she's putting me off my video
she's putting me off my video yeah she
was asleep but she heard me talking when
I said hi guys and then she is allowed
to go and get her so she is now here my
little co-star the other three are at my
mom's so it's a bit quiet isn't it it's
a bit quiet then a wet or some day are
they right so back to the video
yeah it will often stem from the past of
event and we then bring it into our new
relationships and it's there one of the
key things for getting over and dealing
with that fear is separating what first
of all recognizing where this fear might
stem from it might not have been someone
left you as a child you might have
experienced I'm going to tour Matt maybe
there was a death of someone in the
family maybe you suffer some kind of
neglect or some kind of abuse and this
can affect our attachment issue like
when we were really little that is when
we have all the neural pathways in our
brain that we ever need I never knew
this you see I thought we just get them
along the way that's not the case we
have all they're depending on what ones
are nurtured some thrive
and some disappear so if you didn't get
the love and the attention at that you
need it as a child maybe some of those
neural pathways actually started to get
less and less and maybe disappeared and
you can grow up with attachment issues
because of these things it is always
good to kind of recognize okay so this
happened in my childhood maybe this is
where my fear comes from or I had this
relationship when I was 14 maybe that's
where my fear came from it might be
later on but once you can identify where
you kind of think it stems from what you
need to do is then separate the past
from the present because if you don't
you will always be living with that past
fear a fear that something happened then
every relationship is new and different
we all know like if you have a bad
relationship you can then bring those
things into an ex relationship and it's
just not healthy because actually your
past is then kind of what's the world
it's basically controlling how your
future is going to turn out you only
cuddle
oh hello you can't touch anything though
so yes our past will then determine our
future are you going down okay
oh you want to come back up don't laugh
when I pick you up no I'm fine
who's that Lottie is that you so yeah
it's very much saying okay so this
happened in our past this is why I have
this fear but actually this is new
relationship and I need to let go of the
past because if I don't it's going to
determine how my future turns out let's
be as quick thing to get down and then
you just want oh sure Oh where's she
going
okay put it out the window oh here she
is
hello yeah it's like she's got a tooth
coming through and she's got a car he's
very grumpy so I do apologize yeah can I
do this video one of the things that can
kind of help with getting over fear of
abandonment is also having acceptance
around your past past acceptance is not
saying yes I agree my past you know I
agree what happened was something like
bad might happen but it's kind of saying
okay this happened and I accept that I
can't change it and now I'm going to
move on for the same reason if you don't
it's going to determine how your future
turns out well grumpy you need to let me
do it here yeah you can chew on that
mmm ah me nevertheless you have my
finger right so yeah acceptance these
are skills like acceptance is a skill
that you will you're taught in DBT
dialectical behavioral therapy and it is
crucial in order for you to move on
another thing that definitely helped me
with my fear of abandonment was learning
to like myself building my self-esteem
because I really didn't like myself
I'm more than didn't like myself hated
myself and when you kind of hate
yourself how can you expect anyone to
like you and I hate myself so much of
course I was gonna think everyone was
gonna leave me because I didn't like me
so why would anyone stay and it is
important that slowly we learn to build
our self-esteem now I know self-image
like unstable so fear it unclear
self-image is another trait of
borderline I won't really go into that
but it's kind of finding out who we are
and basically just learning to love
ourselves and learning to love yourself
doesn't happen overnight because first
of all you have to learn to like
yourself and it's kind of taking baby
steps till you get there but you can get
there having self-respect because I
don't think I had any respect for myself
and so there are times in my life I'd
let people walk all over me and it's
kind of
stopping that and thinking no actually I
respect myself I like myself I deserve
better and I mentioned like acceptance
of the past but also acceptance of life
life and life's terms there are going to
be things that we don't like not
everyone might be wonderful to us all
the time but it's kind of accepting okay
some things I'm powerless over I can't
control things if a partner is going to
cheat on me they're going to cheat on me
whether I make my frantic attempts or I
don't if they're going to do that
they're going to do it and I know how
painful it is I've been cheated on I
know is absolutely devastating
but sometimes we got to say okay we're
completely powerless and actually if
someone's going to do that to us
we don't they don't deserve to have us
in their lives they're doing us a favor
by doing that because that gives us
reason to get rid because we don't we
don't deserve that and so it is very
much accepting every day as it comes and
I used to spend so long worrying like oh
this person's gonna leave me this what
what can I do now I didn't actually
enjoy the day because I was so worried
about the future so that's another thing
we worry so much because we want to
control we want this person to love us
that be with us and we start planning
our future but actually we we don't have
power over we do have power over our
future life in certain things but I'm
saying we can't control everything there
are some things we are powerless over
and rather than focusing on the future
and thinking this person's gonna do this
this person couldn't do that thinking I
forget that and just focus on what's
happening today I'm sure I could have
said loads more in fear of abandonment
but I kinda like run out of staff but
there will be more in the book because
it is so far my biggest chapter and I
think it's just because there's so much
to say about it my book even though it
is not gonna be out till about sober is
actually going to be available for
pre-order on Amazon soon the paid the
publish doesn't actually set up the page
yet or I've got to do it or something
but anyway that will be up soon
and I will let you know as soon as is
but yeah I'm gonna stop there guys well
ever so quickly was it May and I think
it was May or was it Kim and one of you
lovely ladies said like you're
absolutely suffocating your friends I
would suggest just becoming aware of it
if you have friends that are your
friends close to you maybe sitting down
and just explaining them look very
vandeman is a cool component of
borderline this is what I struggle with
here's the thing you don't have to have
borderline either to have fear of
abandonment you don't have to have
borderline to have any of the traits and
border lines only when you have five or
more of the traits but there's lots
people they might have two three four of
the traits so they don't get diagnosed
but they still have it so yeah I would
have a look at the root of the problem
where that fear of abandonment scumming
from and then talk to your friends and
make a conscious effort maybe to say
okay so I rather than suffocating them I
will fur in them every other day or a
few days or and just being consciously
aware
of what you Jane yeah I'm gonna leave
that there guys I will be back next
Friday I've just where baby has run off
with my phone so I'm going to go I love
you all very much right bye guys
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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