I  spent so many years feeling guilt and shame and feeling like I deserved love from nobody! Luckily I don’t feel like that today!

Transcript:
hi guys today I am doing a video request
unfortunately I didn't write down who
requested it and it was requested well I
don't know when it might be in a while
ago so basically I feel really bad
because I'm going to start writing down
who requests it so I can name you just
cuz it's more personal and I feel really
rude so I am sorry so the person who
asked for it and someone requested me to
do a video on feelings of so I've got my
little pad here guilt shame and feeling
undeserving these are all things that I
can relate to so much and because if
you've got borderline personality
disorder or you have a mental health
issue we behave in a certain way I've
described the borderline before where we
have our feast that comes out and like
for me I have said the most hurtful
things to people I have done the most
horrible things to people and so when
you behave in a way like that it's not
like our beast is there all the time
like we are horrible people
it goes away goes back and hides for a
bit and we just left with this feeling
of guilt because of the way we've acted
now we have guilt and we have shame they
often come together but they're slightly
different basically
we feel guilty about things we've done
our behaviors and how we have affected
other people the shame is how it makes
us feel about ourselves so just say I
really really hurt someone I said some
awful things and I feel guilty about
that but I then get the shame that's it
basically I'm saying I the guilt is I
did this bad thing the shame is I'm a
bad person and we can actually feel
shame and think we're bad people when we
actually haven't done anything but the
guilt we kind of have to do something to
feel guilty for
but yeah the shame can come without us
doing anything we can just feel ashamed
that ourselves think with bad people
with people now the thing you've got to
remember borderline personality disorder
mental health issues their illnesses
with sick people our behaviors I did not
set out to her everyone round me and do
all those horrid things because it's not
who I am
but I would do this anyway and then I'd
have so much guilt and then I think I'm
a bad person I'm a horrible person and I
started to really hate myself and shame
is really like gut wrenching horrid
horrid feeling causes guilt guilt can
eat us up in size where we keep going
over and over the awful things that we
have done but we have to remember this
is the thing borderline personality
disorder mental health issues they're an
illness we behave in this certain way
because we are not well we do not choose
do this deep down we are not bad people
but not all right
in fact I think I'm quite a nice person
I've got empathy for people I'm kind to
people I can love other people all those
horrid things I did the fact that I feel
guilty for them says I know I did
something wrong now at the end of the
day when we're behaving in this way and
everyone round us then feeling shames
then thinking we're bad people
we're horrid people we don't deserve
others
that's the undeserving but we tend to
start thinking we don't deserve any
friends I don't my children don't
deserve me as a mum my partner doesn't
deserve me my family don't deserve me I
think for me what made it harder was
that like for example my mom she really
stood by me and that was really tough
for me because she was someone I heard
again and again and again and the fact
that she stood by me I really did feel
so undeserving I know there are a lot of
people out there that suffer with their
mental health and people around them
just go they're just wrong abandon them
basically don't want anything to do with
them and I think well that is because
those people don't actually understand
mental health they don't they're kind of
ignorant to it and so it's very easy for
them to see someone behaving in a
certain way and think well they're a bad
person and then that will feed into your
so if you've had people that go off and
just abandon you leave you thinking
you're bad that feeds into your shame
and your guilt well I must be a bad
person but you're not you're not you're
a sick person once you get recovery and
you start getting better those horrid
behaviors
we have and the horrid things we say and
do they stop they're going to stick
around with us I'm not saying we little
angels that do nothing wrong ever but
we're much more aware we don't do things
on purpose and I mean I wouldn't do any
of the things that I used to do now or
say oh I'm careful what I say to people
now I don't want to hurt people I have
heard enough people in my lifetime to
last me a lifetime
and I don't want to do that anymore um
but it is hard when you feel you don't
deserve anyone but like I've just said
mental health if you're suffering with
it you're not well you're not a bad
person
you're a sick person why wouldn't you
deserve love why wouldn't you deserve
people to be around you the thing is we
have really low self-esteem we have bad
self-image we're full of guilt with love
shame so it's very easy for us to think
we don't deserve we don't deserve anyone
but you it's not who you are and I think
once you come into recovery your
self-esteem will start building and
getting better and you'll start feeling
better about yourself I mean me now do I
deserve people hell yeah
yeah I do I deserve my children I'm a
good mom to my children do I deserve my
family oh yeah
do I deserve my partner yes yes yes yes
yes I do because I'm a good loving
partner and I got stuff to offer now I'm
not this
person that is controlled by this
illness anymore but this has taken time
doesn't happen overnight
but it is really learning to know the
difference between the way you're
behaving and who you are as a person
just because you've behaved this you're
not a bad person you're a sick person
and it is really important you do know
this the thing is with guilt and shame
it does us no favors they're pointless
it they will just drag us down we have
to accept all right this is our past
this is what we've done we're not proud
of it but accept it and we got let it go
if there's people that you really hurt
in your life around you see sorry
there's no Hartman to say I'm sorry
whether they accept that is up to them
we can't control them and it doesn't
matter as long as you have said sorry
for what you've done that's what you can
do and then let it go because you will
struggle if you don't we cannot keep
looking back at our past because it will
do us no favors if we're so busy looking
back we're not going to be able to do
anything in the here-and-now to get
where we want to be in our future the
same thing I've said before we can't be
focusing constantly on our future and
forgetting about the hill now right now
all we need to do is let go of the
negative things that are serving us no
purpose and guilt and shame and feeling
undeserving is one of them and do what
you can for your recovery cause recovery
it's amazing and absolutely any of you
can have it it's just having that little
bit of faith hanging on in there when
times are tough because times can be
tough
unfortunately because we feel things
more than other people do but it's
possible recovery is possible and it's
amazing so I think I'll leave that there
guys and I'm gonna try and do another
video that I might upload tomorrow it's
Friday today and it is the weekend and
the kids are gonna drive me nuts
made out ah my little munchkins
um yes so I've got them this weekend and
I don't know what to do because it's
cold so cold a little cold
um and then possibly I'll be back Monday
I'm gonna talk like I said just try and
do another video now I'll be back Monday
bye guys have a great weekend
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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