hi guys today I'm going to talk about
when I first discovered that I had
borderline personality disorder and I'll
talk about the little bit before I found
out I had it when and how I found out I
had it and the after bit if that makes
sense so I got diagnosed when I was 21
but I will go back to when I was 18 and
I was completely off the rails I was
always jealous of boyfriends I would
stalk them attack them if I thought that
they were cheating on me I was
constantly drinking I was constantly
using drugs I remember going to a
nightclub once and I was single and I
met a guy in the nightclub we had a kiss
and then I went to the bar or something
I came back and he was kissing someone
else I wen freaking knots I felt like
I'd been cheated on I have just met this
guy like ten minutes before I don't even
think I knew his name he didn't know my
name we were drunk and I went mad and I
attacked him and I he must have been
right there hey he probably didn't even
remember who I was because he was drunk
and I was screaming at the girl that she
was a flak and she'd stolen my playfully
psychic oh and the bouncers drives me
off him obviously so why said to the
bouncers that he was my fiance and we
would do to be married and all this crap
that was just made up I don't know where
it came from and he got thrown out he
got thrown out the car and
it was almost like I believed it like
everything that I had said I felt really
like he cheated on me but um there were
so many instances like that turning up
at people's houses throwing shoes at
their window and screaming up pepper
like all kinds of abuse I had the most
blazing rails with my mom over anything
anything could set me off
like she just she could just make a
comment about me leaving my shoes out in
the hall and I would just fly off the
handle and go completely nuts and be
like you want to see shoes have not
sought launching shoes around like a
freakin possessed person and my poor mom
um my behaviors were not normal and just
did I realize that I think I did but I
wasn't like I didn't think it was a
mental health thing I don't know I'd I
don't think I really questioned it
because I was so drunk most the time and
using I didn't ever sit back and think
huh these behaviors are not normal I I
was just mad basically I was talking to
my mom the other day and she was like
darling do you remember the time you
turned up at the gym I thought I do I do
and I remember I'd had a row with my ex
and I was I decided to walk from his
house to the gym because I knew my mum
was having a workout at the gym and I
remember walking down the road and I was
off my face but I still remember the
and it was in the morning it was about
half eight nine o'clock in the morning
so you had everyone driving to work and
people are gonna just like look at
anyone on they use driving down the road
just look but I was taking everything so
personally and I say what you looking at
pulling my skirt up and I was going back
I said what are you looking at you
pervert as I had my skirt pulled up yeah
anyway so I did that I was doing not
like just two men are saying it's a
women that's right yeah looking at the I
like I don't know what I was thinking um
but I remember it so well and I actually
wish I didn't because it's so
cringe-worthy anyway I turned up at the
gym and my mum was not in the gym so she
must have been in the changing room so
I've gone mom and I've heard her say
yeah and I just saw I think get your
effing arse out of her now I wanna
effing torch it like really swearing the
changing rooms were quite busy and my
mum just went quiet and wouldn't come
out so I didn't know what where she was
what cubicle and she was saying to me
the other day she's gonna she not I just
hid in there and I was thinking please
doesn't let her go away please I can't
let anyone know she's anything to do
with me because she was so horrified my
mum doesn't swear she doesn't drink
she's never smoked and there's me
screaming and swearing like a maniac in
the changing room
and so I was talking about it with my
mom and to be fair we were laughing
about it can you believe but that's
because it was many years ago and we're
not in that place now looking back we
can see how just crazy it was but at the
time it was so painful
my poor mom she must have been mortified
I don't even blame her for hiding in the
changing where am I really don't I can't
even remember why I went to the gym or
why I wanted to talk to her I can't
remember any of that I just remember
hurling abuse so yes sir my behaviors
were not normal I was not very nice
person and very abusive just angry at
everyone at anyone didn't trust anyone
hated myself really and when I had
drinkin drugs they made me feel
confident with her likes but obviously
with the drinking drugs you have to calm
down yeah and so my life was just kind
of just one big mess like I was behaving
like if this wasn't a one-off to start
with it might have been but then it
wasn't every weekend it was most nights
and most nights my mum was getting a
phone call from someone a friend or a
boyfriend all that saying you need to
come and get her she's smashing the
place up or she's lying down in a road
and won't move and my mom is having to
come out at like 2:00 3:00 in the
morning to come and get me
and then the suicide attempt started I
think I was about 18 No maybe 19 I think
and obviously to start with it might
been a few months apart but soon they
started getting closer and closer
together and my mum knew something
wasn't right I still don't even think I
realized I think I was just so out there
I just did not
I wasn't self-aware back then at all
like I get messages from you guys and
you all seem so self-aware and you're
looking into this stuff I did none of
that I I think I just thought I was a
bad person
oh no but um I yeah I didn't think to
look into it my behaviors or I don't
know but I I was very lucky that I had
my mum and she fought and fought and
fought to get me sectioned basically I
remember we were at the hospital I had
attempted suicide again it been multiple
multiple times I was literally at the
hospital once a week after having
overdosed by this point and my mum kind
of said are you waiting for her actually
to be dead before you decide to do
something and we're not leaving this
hospital you have to do something you
have to protect my daughter and my mum
went nuts at them and sure enough
they're like yeah we've got her a bed on
mental health water we're gonna bring
her up and I lived there I had to stay
there and I was raging I was so angry
that they had put me on this nut ward as
I called it looking back now it was the
best thing that ever happened to me
because it's the first I was somewhere
safe I didn't like it because obviously
now I couldn't drink I couldn't use
drugs but finally I had like a
psychologist or like Farah pissed like
working with me and I got my diagnosis I
got diagnosed with borderline
personality disorder so how did it make
me feel because I know a lot of you guys
say I've had this diagnosis it's so
scary
no for me it was a relief that I finally
knew something was up but to be fair I
didn't really look into what borderline
personality disorder was for ages I was
just like oh this is what I've got and
if someone said oh what does that mean
I'm not tonight I've just got it today
what it means I really I had no idea I
don't know surely they must have
explained it to me but I just wasn't
taking in a thing
I don't know I just I just didn't know
what it was I just knew I had borderline
personality disorder that was it
um so I stayed on the ward off lived on
their flat three months and it was good
in the fact that finally I was getting
medicated and I was on a lot of tablets
back then I mean there was one point I
was on about 28 tablets a day I had a
big box at home with my medication in I
wasn't allowed to have my own meds to
start with but slowly I built up the
trust and they let me medicate myself
until I od'd and then they took it off
me again not surprising so the good
thing was that I find me I was in well
into the system and it was because that
I started doing something with the
therapeutic day unit where I could go
along and meet other people with similar
kind of issues we could do pottery I
made a pot painting cooking stuff like
that they're repeating stuff and I met
Yolanda who's like my therapist and she
was amazing and it was through there
that I got onto DBT and that's what I'm
very very grateful for how it all kind
of handout but at the time I didn't like
it but I think for a long time I still
didn't understand borderline personality
disorder I don't think I ever thought to
go online and look it up ever it wasn't
until I started doing DBT that I
actually started getting available ah
that's what's wrong with me
kind yet light bulb I just didn't know I
really just didn't know obviously I know
a lot more now but I do research so I
look into air and I try and understand
it more I think it's amazing the amount
of you guys that look start
I just didn't that goes to show that
even though I didn't
I still got where I am today I still
found recovery somehow somehow what I
did so if I can do it any of you can do
it seriously because like I said you you
are you guys sound so so for hey you
know so much more than me like more than
right I did back then I knew nothing
literally nothing there yet be proud of
yourselves so yeah that's my story on
how I knew something was wrong I think I
did a video about being a teen ager with
borderline and as a teen I always knew I
wasn't right but I explained that in
there Israel in that video so feel free
to check it out but as always lovely
talking to you guys all right take care
Wow love you all bye