I can remember the feeling of betrayal and deep hurt I felt when I discovered an ex watched porn.

Transcript:
hi guys today I am going to do a video
on pornography I was asked to do this
video you just go and to be honest I
think quite understand you're probably
gonna go that's easy to understand but I
didn't write I'll read it you basically
this person say can you do a foot look
can you do a video on pornography and
jealousy in connection to deep hurt
feelings so I was trying to work out
what exactly it men and but I think I
get it I think I understand so I will
answer it in the way I've interpreted it
basically I'm thinking the jealousy and
the hurt feelings when you find out that
your loved one has been watching porn so
that is what I'm gonna haunt film I am
gonna do another video after this
another one on pornography but from a
whole different angle regarding watching
porn this one's about finding out
someone we love what is porn so it's
very different right
I explained ages nature nature's gay
that in one of my old videos when I was
fourteen I found out that my boyfriend
had to be honest they weren't actually
porn magazines I think they were like
FHM
you know zoo like famous women in
Nicholas and bra it wasn't anything
hardcore or I remember the devastation
and her that I went through like I
explained my old video when I found out
was only 14 I ran down to a motorway
bridge I tried to throw myself off he
was pulling me
around us were filled us I'd hate but in
a tree I got splinters in my head cut
all my head open I was just completely
distraught like the deep hurt feelings I
felt so betrayed I fell that he had
cheated on me even though obviously he
hadn't and I was hurt so badly I felt
like I wanted to die I can cope with
those feelings I then it affected me for
a long long time after because I then
started one way it really knocked my
self-esteem and I was thinking about
like that he wanted these other women
and that they were perfect and obviously
they're airbrushed whatever in the
magazines but that wasn't the point
I felt that compared to them I felt ugly
compared to them
and it just completely not of me I was
devastated
and the thing is I remember I wanted to
know everything how often do you look at
them what do you think when you look and
it was like I was trying to punish
myself I was asking more and more
questions and every time he answered it
was like dagger to the heart and that
stuck with me for a long time and it
caused me to be very jealous then all
everything really that I asked other
women when I was because obviously I
didn't stay over at this guy's house
because I was 14 and so I'd be at home
and I'd be thinking I bet he's looking
at the magazines now and it would rather
literally be eating me up inside and
there was nothing I could do about it
and I felt helpless and just ha it was
the worst feeling years later obviously
I had a different boyfriend by this
point
and I found out that he masturbated as
men do but I took it really badly
because I was like would she think of me
and he said sometimes and what I would
be it rolled over here every single time
but I didn't hear that he said sometimes
so what do you think at the time and he
was like well different stuff do you
watch porn yes yes sometimes dagger to
the heart again and I absolutely went
crazy screen the place down told him he
was a pervert bike and all those
feelings that I'd had back when I was 14
came flooding back I couldn't cope with
them I kept going over and over my head
that he was thinking of other women and
therefore because he was thinking of
other women he wanted to be with other
women and he had to watch porn because
he couldn't think of me because I was
too revolting to think about and licks
in my head did my own head him
face it constantly constantly and I told
the JC the insecurity feeling fat and
horrid and ugly and rubbish in bed and
all this came back and of like I said I
felt like I've been cheated on again it
was that like kinda level of betrayal so
I had I have gone through this so I
don't know if they thought what that
person and the lady that messaged me but
if that's what she means but if it is
then I can relate 100% now it's only
kind of as I've got older wiser ideal
wise old owl that I realize
that men and women watch porn they do
and if I am with a partner and here's
watching porn like when I'm not around
it does not reflect on me it doesn't
mean I'm not good enough it doesn't mean
that I'm fat and ugly and he can't bear
to think of me because instead of coming
he'd be sick it doesn't mean he wants to
cheat on me if he is watching porn with
the blonde person in it and I am
brunette it does not mean he wants to
leave me for a blunt person like but
before this is what I would have thought
that if they'd like someone with smaller
boobs then I would want what that person
had or if they were really feeling
they're not gonna be like that or if
they had a big bum then on a big bum but
now I realize it actually doesn't
reflect on us it is something that men
and women do and it's not meant to her
it's not betrayal obviously in a
relationship I think what possibly
causes the feeling of betrayal is that
sometimes your partner gets call out
that they watch him they haven't told
you like like because like a word like
hey just see now I watch porn but um it
then feels like they're keeping this
dirty little secret and it's actually
not it's just wood you got cheap or high
just you know watch a lot of porn like
it's just something we don't talk about
it's not because it's a dirty usual seek
for it yeah I think for me my
self-esteem as I've said a million times
was on the floor back then hadn't on I
was so so low and that didn't help
because I hate myself anyway so any
reason to hate myself a bit more and I
would take it
whereas now don't get me wrong I am NOT
super-confident today especially
actually since being pregnant I was
talking with my friends yesterday and I
was saying so my insecurities are coming
back because I'm getting bigger the bump
is getting bigger and I I'm not fee I
don't feel sexy and sometimes when I'm
feeling a bit light in there I want to
put on a sexy dress put on some heels
and totter along and just feel good
about myself yes it might be wearing a
mask but sometimes that's okay it's not
constant or sometimes just to give me a
little boost that's what I'd like to do
and but I think if I put on a little
dress and some little heels and tottered
down the street I'd feel a bit like an
idiot because I have a huge pub
there so I I am I'm struggling a little
bit so it's not like I feel great all
the time now I do have my insecurities
they can pop up but I'm a lot better at
managing them now and I realize that
won't be pregnant forever I hope if I'm
like an elephant aren't they like
pregnant for years but um I think for
you guys once like we start building our
self-esteem we are more accepting of
ourselves we will compare ourselves to
others less and that feeling I our
partner is gonna cheat on us constantly
lessons so the point that it goes which
is really nice because it's a horrid
horrid feeling am i saying that you
should be pro porn no I think I don't
judge anyone at all
and what people do in their spare time
it's up to them but I am saying don't
let it affect you like if you have gone
through what I've gone through finding
out it was a bit of porn don't don't let
it reflect on you don't bring it all
back to yourself and think it's because
he hates me doesn't love me I'm not
giving you no it's just this is too
something people do and we can't let it
eat us up inside because it really
doesn't reflect badly on you I am it can
even be a good thing because like if you
can't talk about these kind of things it
can bring you closer together if you
don't just say you have a low if medium
sex drive your partner has a high sex
drive and you don't want to do it all
the time then surely let him or her
every now and again takes the pressure
off you because then you don't have to
do it as much it's something to think
about
as you can tell I'm not 100% comfortable
doing this video but but I mean I felt I
really really should because this is
something I'm really affected me and so
I'm going to stop do now and I'm going
to go on and do a bit more of a bit more
of an uncomfortable all right my lovely
my BAE
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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