Hindsight is an amazing thing.  Back when I was 14 I thought I had met the love  of my life and he could do no wrong.  It is only looking back now that I can see the relationship for what it was – abusive and unhealthy.

Transcript:
hi my lovelies I got a video request um
it was as a private message on Instagram
from a very young lady and who asked me
to talk about first boyfriends and like
first-ever boyfriends so what me to do
I'll take you back to my first ever
boyfriend when I was 14 and explain what
it was like um
what it felt like then was very
different how I feel about it today I
was 14 I guess ed and he was 18 and I
just thought he was the best thing that
ever happened to me I thought he was the
most gorgeous man to walk the earth um
but love is blind that sounds quite
harsh actually like this perfect but um
it's only with hindsight that I see that
it was quite an abusive relationship
like I said he was 18 and I was 14 and
he kind of persuaded me into doing
things that I should not have been doing
at that age but I lied to my mum my mum
thought it was more of a platonic
relationship I think had she known she
would not have wanted me to be with him
um he I thought he was like really
powerful and I saw him as really
superior and looking back now he was
just probably really insecure himself so
he would put me down but I kinda took
his word as gospel so if he said I
looked horrid in a certain outfit and I
would change it if I I went through a
stage I would put in it the word here
the info a sentence okay yeah you don't
mean I went out the other day in it I
just throw any ambien
resented that's what I was like and he
did not like me talking like that so I
stopped and I kind completely changed
who I was to suit him and I did not see
the abuse while it was happening really
and and it took me years and years
before I look back and I was hurt
oh that's not right that that seriously
wasn't right and but at the time I was
overwhelmed I had never had a boyfriend
before and my feelings were so intense I
was a teenager me and my mom would Rao a
lot which was mostly my doing act she
just couldn't talk to me she could not
say one thing without me biting her head
off and and Along Came this guy this
hero that I thought and he could do no
wrong in my eyes he liked me for me
which actually wasn't the case because
he really didn't he wanted to change me
to what he wanted me to be but again
like I said it's with hindsight at the
time I just thought he accepted me um
and I felt he had my back
he was my support my shoulder to cry on
and I saw hanging around my friends
where I used to go out with my friends I
kind of cut myself off from everyone and
he became my world and when I was 16 he
asked me to marry him now
I felt I knew everything at 16 I kind of
felt like I was an adult and again
looking back I realized I was actually
the opposite I was just like a lost
child and but when you are 16 in this
country and you want to get married you
have to have
it's permission now there is no way my
mom would give permission so so my phone
keeps feeding my mum would have given
permission my dad who is in Ireland he
would not have given permission so we
took ourselves down registry office and
we forged signatures and for my mum I
knew they knew my dad lived in Ireland
so I had to have a signature that was
sent from Island so this is what I did I
wrote a random note to someone saying
whoever opens this letter please can you
sign this signature I did it and send it
back to this address I can't say who
this is form and I didn't realize and I
posted it to an address down where we
knew this lady lived so I knew it was a
number but I don't who live there and I
knew they'd like there was an address I
sent it um but my dad was living in a
small fishing village you know I learnt
her and people talk and they the people
got this letter through and they thought
it was something to do with the IRA
apparently and they contacted my dad
because they knew my dad what the
chances I knew right now I look back
it's a complete blessing in disguise but
at the time obviously my dad contacted
here my mum found out the guys mum found
out and the police came round
also I thought but apparently it was
just one of my mom's friends who was a
policeman
and the police hadn't actually been
called but I didn't know that four years
later as far as I was concerned the
police are there giving me a really
strict warning that what a dumb is very
wrong which it was because I was forging
signatures
I freaked the life out something poor
family in Ireland I had gone out I got
my dress in some little sharp
it was the most hideous it was like
white so long it was hideous
you went to August and got like the
cheapest wedding wings you can ever find
I mean my engagement ring I think
must've cost like a fiver it was hideous
but this is how much I thought I thought
I love this guy
and I thought would be together forever
and when anyone said like it's not like
that I just didn't believe them
well how can you say that of course
we're going to grow old together looking
back now I don't know what I was doing
with that person
really I had a lucky escape yeah I had a
really lucky escape and I could never
imagine being with someone like that now
but try telling that to my teenage self
because I just would not listen
and it's this guy that I found pictures
in his little briefcase of women in
their underwear and I cried throw myself
off a motorway bridge I'm ahead of Wars
it was like my emotions would just
completely went away like completely ran
away with themselves are all the
emotions I felt when like if we had a
row I just wanted I felt like I want to
die because he's going to leave me I
didn't know what love was but I was sure
that I was feeling it and I would put
money on it that I was feeling loved and
again with hindsight hindsight is such
an amazing thing I live back and I think
I know that was never love that was a
horrendous relationship
when I tried to leave him it was so bad
again he was very abusive in wait I'm
not going to go into because I don't
like to use this channel to talk badly
about people and even though it was a
long long time ago because I'm 35 now
but I was very confused I was getting
bullied at school as well that didn't
help and so he was kind of my escapism
away from all of that and I felt that he
was being nice to me when actually now I
can clearly see he was manipulating me
and I did not get on with his mum either
because she thought he could do no wrong
he was like her golden child but yeah I
think if you're a teenager and listen to
your parents because it's only now like
that I'm in my 30s actually that I'm
NACA my mum was right all those years
she was right like Oh light bulb um cuz
I just thought she was out to get me out
to destroy my happiness telling me that
this guy was no good for me how dare she
but now I can see it for what it was so
yeah if you're kind of a teenager I'd
say no it's very good I can say whatever
can't I no one's going to listen just
like you don't listen to mom and dad but
do know that the way you feel now what
might not necessarily be how you feel in
a few years time especially if you have
borderline personality disorder
um I would say keep a support network
around you don't cut yourself off from
your friends and just throw yourself
into this one relationship because
that's going to alienate you from
everyone isolate you and and that that
really won't be good for you try and see
things try step back and think if it was
my friend in this relationship what
would I say is he treating me properly
and and also we don't know when we're
that age we don't know what love is even
though we think we get these strong
feelings and we think well it's that
strong it must be love but it's not not
all that I'm not saying all the time
because um I had a friend I went to
school with and I think her mum was like
14 when she met her boyfriend and
they're still together to this day and I
think her dad will be in his 60s late
60s yeah and they're still together and
they're still really happy so that is
that very tales like ending very rarely
very very rarely and neither of them
have borderline personality disorder so
that makes a big difference as well so I
don't know if this video should have
been helpful it'll have I can't just my
experience of my first horrendous
relationship that I thought would last
forever and ever
bye guys
love your legs BAE
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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