Hindsight is an amazing thing. Back when I was 14 I thought I had met the love of my life and he could do no wrong. It is only looking back now that I can see the relationship for what it was – abusive and unhealthy.
hi my lovelies I got a video request um it was as a private message on Instagram from a very young lady and who asked me to talk about first boyfriends and like first-ever boyfriends so what me to do I'll take you back to my first ever boyfriend when I was 14 and explain what it was like um what it felt like then was very different how I feel about it today I was 14 I guess ed and he was 18 and I just thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me I thought he was the most gorgeous man to walk the earth um but love is blind that sounds quite harsh actually like this perfect but um it's only with hindsight that I see that it was quite an abusive relationship like I said he was 18 and I was 14 and he kind of persuaded me into doing things that I should not have been doing at that age but I lied to my mum my mum thought it was more of a platonic relationship I think had she known she would not have wanted me to be with him um he I thought he was like really powerful and I saw him as really superior and looking back now he was just probably really insecure himself so he would put me down but I kinda took his word as gospel so if he said I looked horrid in a certain outfit and I would change it if I I went through a stage I would put in it the word here the info a sentence okay yeah you don't mean I went out the other day in it I just throw any ambien resented that's what I was like and he did not like me talking like that so I stopped and I kind completely changed who I was to suit him and I did not see the abuse while it was happening really and and it took me years and years before I look back and I was hurt oh that's not right that that seriously wasn't right and but at the time I was overwhelmed I had never had a boyfriend before and my feelings were so intense I was a teenager me and my mom would Rao a lot which was mostly my doing act she just couldn't talk to me she could not say one thing without me biting her head off and and Along Came this guy this hero that I thought and he could do no wrong in my eyes he liked me for me which actually wasn't the case because he really didn't he wanted to change me to what he wanted me to be but again like I said it's with hindsight at the time I just thought he accepted me um and I felt he had my back he was my support my shoulder to cry on and I saw hanging around my friends where I used to go out with my friends I kind of cut myself off from everyone and he became my world and when I was 16 he asked me to marry him now I felt I knew everything at 16 I kind of felt like I was an adult and again looking back I realized I was actually the opposite I was just like a lost child and but when you are 16 in this country and you want to get married you have to have it's permission now there is no way my mom would give permission so so my phone keeps feeding my mum would have given permission my dad who is in Ireland he would not have given permission so we took ourselves down registry office and we forged signatures and for my mum I knew they knew my dad lived in Ireland so I had to have a signature that was sent from Island so this is what I did I wrote a random note to someone saying whoever opens this letter please can you sign this signature I did it and send it back to this address I can't say who this is form and I didn't realize and I posted it to an address down where we knew this lady lived so I knew it was a number but I don't who live there and I knew they'd like there was an address I sent it um but my dad was living in a small fishing village you know I learnt her and people talk and they the people got this letter through and they thought it was something to do with the IRA apparently and they contacted my dad because they knew my dad what the chances I knew right now I look back it's a complete blessing in disguise but at the time obviously my dad contacted here my mum found out the guys mum found out and the police came round also I thought but apparently it was just one of my mom's friends who was a policeman and the police hadn't actually been called but I didn't know that four years later as far as I was concerned the police are there giving me a really strict warning that what a dumb is very wrong which it was because I was forging signatures I freaked the life out something poor family in Ireland I had gone out I got my dress in some little sharp it was the most hideous it was like white so long it was hideous you went to August and got like the cheapest wedding wings you can ever find I mean my engagement ring I think must've cost like a fiver it was hideous but this is how much I thought I thought I love this guy and I thought would be together forever and when anyone said like it's not like that I just didn't believe them well how can you say that of course we're going to grow old together looking back now I don't know what I was doing with that person really I had a lucky escape yeah I had a really lucky escape and I could never imagine being with someone like that now but try telling that to my teenage self because I just would not listen and it's this guy that I found pictures in his little briefcase of women in their underwear and I cried throw myself off a motorway bridge I'm ahead of Wars it was like my emotions would just completely went away like completely ran away with themselves are all the emotions I felt when like if we had a row I just wanted I felt like I want to die because he's going to leave me I didn't know what love was but I was sure that I was feeling it and I would put money on it that I was feeling loved and again with hindsight hindsight is such an amazing thing I live back and I think I know that was never love that was a horrendous relationship when I tried to leave him it was so bad again he was very abusive in wait I'm not going to go into because I don't like to use this channel to talk badly about people and even though it was a long long time ago because I'm 35 now but I was very confused I was getting bullied at school as well that didn't help and so he was kind of my escapism away from all of that and I felt that he was being nice to me when actually now I can clearly see he was manipulating me and I did not get on with his mum either because she thought he could do no wrong he was like her golden child but yeah I think if you're a teenager and listen to your parents because it's only now like that I'm in my 30s actually that I'm NACA my mum was right all those years she was right like Oh light bulb um cuz I just thought she was out to get me out to destroy my happiness telling me that this guy was no good for me how dare she but now I can see it for what it was so yeah if you're kind of a teenager I'd say no it's very good I can say whatever can't I no one's going to listen just like you don't listen to mom and dad but do know that the way you feel now what might not necessarily be how you feel in a few years time especially if you have borderline personality disorder um I would say keep a support network around you don't cut yourself off from your friends and just throw yourself into this one relationship because that's going to alienate you from everyone isolate you and and that that really won't be good for you try and see things try step back and think if it was my friend in this relationship what would I say is he treating me properly and and also we don't know when we're that age we don't know what love is even though we think we get these strong feelings and we think well it's that strong it must be love but it's not not all that I'm not saying all the time because um I had a friend I went to school with and I think her mum was like 14 when she met her boyfriend and they're still together to this day and I think her dad will be in his 60s late 60s yeah and they're still together and they're still really happy so that is that very tales like ending very rarely very very rarely and neither of them have borderline personality disorder so that makes a big difference as well so I don't know if this video should have been helpful it'll have I can't just my experience of my first horrendous relationship that I thought would last forever and ever bye guys love your legs BAE
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.