I am so sorry for being absent these last few weeks. In todays vid I discuss all the things that have been going on in my brain lately. I love you all and have missed you all so much xxx
hi I'm a little place been a while back I've really really missed you the past few weeks the amount of times I've picked up my phone record and I haven't done it and I'm gonna talk about that today I suppose today's subject matter would be guilt justified unjustified guilt and I'm gonna tell you what's been going on so you know my kids have been home they've been off school for seven weeks they went back on Wednesday and where it is in the holidays it's very much usually divided like my older to go to their dad's for a couple of weeks all the kids go to my mom's for a couple of weeks I have them for a couple of weeks that's how it usually is in the summer or we go away on holiday for a week with my mom this year we didn't do that my mum is moving down here to live close by me and I can't wait is so exciting but therefore she's packing up her house and my kids couldn't go and stay there so whereas the older two stayed with their dad for a couple of weeks in the holiday the rest the other five weeks were with me and that it we had a lovely time but there I had some guilts throughout the beginning of the holiday my children's so my plaster is downstairs that's why I'm in my bedroom I'm here the radio on my kids friends were going on holiday just spaying us alone and my daughter was like saying bye to a friend I hope you have a fantastic time and then we left their house and I just felt my heart went out I could to see in her face that she was really gutted but we weren't having a holiday I explained like I can't afford to take us from holiday this year I'm getting house plastered we're getting stuff done around the house we can't literally have it all growing up I didn't go to Spain oh I didn't we didn't go anywhere like that um but yeah I the guilt I suppose started there I like home the thing is we live on South case of England in the most beautiful place and we live by we've got nine miles of sandy beach here it's lovely um bar I supposed to the kids it's just this is home it's not going on holiday we're not going on a plane as they keep telling me and yeah as a mum I have some guilt there I tried to make the holidays as fun as I can we went crabbing I'll tell you about that in a minute we went to the cinema would go to the beach we went to this air museum or climbed on the B planes so we've done we've done and stuff by half as you know for children and I was feeling guilt that I'm not taking them away and the whole holiday like that guilt has consumed me to the point that I was like I pick up the phone to do a video and then think oh I should be spending time with them so the point nap like I'd be trying to happen we'd have like we have so many movie nights I mean it was amazing we've had a great time but we have so many movie nights but when we do stuff like that then I've come down in the morning this popcorn everywhere the house is a mess and I'm just like oh and like I've talked to you guys before like when the house is upside down up here feels like it's upside down and that is how I've spent the past few weeks we know like a guilt can bring on anxiety proving on depression and I've definitely kind of felt what I've come to press but there's definitely like it's almost like I've just stalled I've just stopped and like froze them and I'm not not doing what I know I'm not doing what I need to be doing I need to be filming the courses I mean it's so difficult because downstairs is completely upside-down at the moment I had the kids home so that it was just impossible all these plans that I had I just I couldn't fulfill them it was just impossible is when you've got the children running around and the whole house honestly if I took you down there it's is that the less it would look nice in the end I just was like I've just kind of frozen and then I beat myself up about that and I feel guilty about that because I want to be doing videos for you I want to get this website launched and but at the same time I forgot the kids my mom play football with me mom do that you're the worst mom in the world this I've been told I'm the worst mom they hate me well I say that it's just actually my ten-year-old my daughter that tells me that and then yeah really being pulled in two directions now I know we have like justified Gil when you've actually done something wrong so you go out punch someone in the face like your friend then and feel guilty after well that's quite a justified you've done something that shouldn't have done I suppose I'm justified Gil it it's when we tell ourselves it's very much our self-talk and we might perceive like so in might for Mari for an example I feel guilty that I wasn't able to take my kids aboard okay is it justified well no I just didn't have the money but my head tells me well why didn't you you should somehow find it and take them on holiday but that you know it's it's not justified when I look at it and logically I know I've done everything I can with them this holiday I have tried to spend as much time having fun and laughing and doing all the things I should be doing with them but I still feel guilty but then on top of that I feel guilty because I know I haven't been doing my videos for you guys and I know I should be and I'd have still been replying to like private messages on Instagram and then when I get back to people but not not like the way I used to not as much because even like if I'm on my phone like kids do I mean nuts this gives me complete like complex as well I'll be on my phone replied some and they get o on your phone again and I feel like I'm one of those moms that literally just sits on their phone scrolling through Facebook not giving their kids at the time and I try to explain them actually don't I'm doing something like I'm trying to it's like for my subscribers but they're just kids they don't get it it's just like mom's looking at our phones and so then that makes me feel bad so I feel like I'm being torn in two directions like pulled in two directions I want to be a fabulous mom and give my kids all the time it's very difficult when you're this four of them I always wanted four and I don't regret having four but it's difficult to manage that time to make sure they each get an equal amount of time and often you can't give them the same amount of time eat every day and then at night I put my head on my pillow and I think oh I didn't spend as much time with this one or I didn't I shoulda done this with this one this one wanted to play with me and I said always been doing something like this and it is literally and I know it's all up here it's all up here mind is of dangerous places in there like when we leave to its own devices it can really get carried away with itself now you guys know I lost my uncle a few months ago that's another thing that's very much played on my mind I thought I was like yeah dealt with that I didn't even really cry that much it's like I'll cut off but I suppose it comes out in other ways and I've very much been thinking to myself like you know I I've got channel where I talk about mental health I wrote a book to do with mental health why didn't I reach out to him more because my uncle had an eating disorder and that's ultimately what led to his death and why couldn't I have saved him I suppose and I know I'm not like this superhero with a cape I know I'm just like maybe I could've done more it was very difficult because he's in Dublin he was in Dublin in Ireland and I'm over here and I have four children but I think back to the times like my brother would be over and he'd say here's a high I am cool and then I just go about my business because I've before kids and I'm like why didn't you just sit down and actually have a proper conversation like the last conversation I had was when he was in hospital like a couple the day before a couple of days before he passed away and so I have to go about that but then at the same time I have to think you have four children and this is the thing when you feel guilty about something it's very good to write stuff down and do some journaling and have a think about why why do you feel what is making you feel guilty so for example like with my uncle is like well because I kind of understand mental health I've been there so maybe I should have reached out to him more but I didn't the fact is I do have four children he did live in another country chances are even if I reached out he wouldn't have accepted the help because he had been offered help from my counselors Matt and um yeah I I also know that Gil is very much part of a grieving process often when we lose someone that we love there's times we will then go through feeling guilt about it and thinking about them so I do know that it's normal as well and my head has just been really chaotic but I do I'm really a where I'm not surprised as chaotic because my house is chaotic it's completely upside-down I like not even just upside down so this house is for over a hundred years ago and they've stripped it back and so we've got these right it was built like him 1890 something and they've taken them all paper it's all doc so it looks like really small and dark and dingy at that it's gonna look fab I know that but we've got quite a few weeks left of complete chaos around us and regarding vbd Drive it's obviously still happening I just feel like I've just getting one thing after another happening that's getting in the way crabbing so this is what happened I went crabbing not collecting apples crabbing I went crabbing down at the sea with next catching big crabs like bigger than your hand massive crabs and I was there with my friend and her kids were there and my kids are there and I kept saying like basically there's like a barrier and then there's a drop down and you throw the stuff down and the sea was really like choppy bad it looked it didn't look like a friendly calm lovely sea that you'd want to swim in it looked like a sea that wants to gobble you up and I kept saying to my son Ethan he said you getting a bit close come back please Ethan you get a bit close can he come back please and I thought he's just not listening so I just moved I was just behind him before I know he's gone in he went over the side without thinking I dived in on top of his head why would I jump on his head looking bad like with hindsight I look at that and I see he was treading water quite well and then I came and jumped on his head and put my rip on top but here's the reason I did it over here in the UK the week it happened there was a little boy who had gone fishing and he fell into the river and his dad jumped in straight after but the current pulled him away and his body was found five days later that had happened the week my son fell in and that was very fresh in my mind they'd literally the day before found this little boy's body he was only six and my son's five so he fell in I was so terrified he was gonna get dragged out I just dived on top of him just so I could grab him but obviously there is then you've got a wall to get out and it's covered in green slime and my friend was trying to pull us out but every time she pulled like we were pulling her in and she cut all her leg up so are some other people run over and a guy managed to lift my son out and then they him and my friends I had to get me out and it was only actually after my son was out that all of a sudden I was swimming there on the spot and I thought I could there are big fat wraps around me and I'm surprised I didn't freak out but we were really really lucky someone glass out it was amazing and I've lady run wrap to tower on my son that was um it was just a terrifying experience absolutely terrifying my mum bless her she never helps she's such a warrior like so I phoned her and she's like why did he fall it why why didn't you have him like I'm all the kids were saddled on I was there I was sat right there the the accidents happen but it's like but you should have had him and um that didn't help that didn't help me but my I know my moms are worrying I know she doesn't like me niet horribly or anything um say that happened literally that happened I think like on a Friday the following Friday I was having movie night with my older - and my son jumped backwards on the radio on the sofa flung his head back and it hit the corner of the radiator and his head just went bust open blood everywhere he was screaming I was just thinking I'm gonna faint Oh Gauri is like it's the worst feeling my ex actually took him to a A&E and they glued it shut and he was good as gold he had a headache that for a bit but other than that like he was lucky then the day before yesterday I was downstairs and Eason I could hear Issa and my five year old chasing Lottie my two-year-old and I can hear her screaming together and I'm like Ethan stop chasing her and I can hit her running to get away like she she had one of his toys and he chases her to get toy back but usually downstairs you know it's fine but it was upstairs so I ran to the stairs and when Eason because she had started to come downstairs next thing bum-bum-bum she's falling down the stairs oh so she cried for a minute and then was fine I was like okay maybe she's okay but Lots he's very much she just gets only things he's like she's got a really high pain threshold because the other day I've got her new shoes she wore them all day when I took her shoes off in the evening her feet were bleeding like it rubbed her skin roar and I little toes and she had not once said her feet hurt she didn't try to take them off she just gets on with it and this is like she always does that if she falls she just gets up which I suppose is good in some ways but in other ways it's bad because so what happened I was like does your wrist her and she was like hmm well that was it and then she just wanted to play and we were saying do this with your wrist do this and she could do move it and she was fine and so I thought okay so she went to sleep happy the next day I dropped for a nursery and I said to them like can you could just keep an eye because this is what happened she fell down the stairs yesterday she said I risked her I kept touching it she kind of grew misses but then is fine they said okay so she went to nursery she was happy all day but they said she had a little fall in the sand pair and leant on her wrist and cried and usually she falls all the time and she doesn't cry so I was like okay I'm just going to get her up the hospital get checked and the nurse of his lie I'm sure she'll be fine she seems very happy she's running around and it was explained to the nurse that Li you know this little girl has a really high pain threshold I wouldn't I think you really need to look live so sure enough they gave her an x-ray and she has a buckle fracture the way it was described imagine a tree trunk that's the bone and a piece of bark peeling off that sort of bone that's what's happened she's got a little cost a little cost or no little arm and a little like sling I'll draw a poster picture actually if you guys to see on Instagram but yeah it was like my poor girl and she'd gone to nursery all day before so I'm really haven't had much luck the past few days for the past few weeks my friend's little girl actually she broke her leg this week as well I mean between the two of us we were just having no luck at all so yeah basically goes this is what's going on I am being torn in lots of directions the kids are back at school now my house is complete chaos downstairs but I can come up to my room so I will be back doing regular videos I can promise you that because there's no reason for me not to because they are back at school now and we're back in a routine I think that's another thing because I always talk to you about the importance of balance and routine and in fact in my book the big book on borderline personality disorder I think I have a chapter called the power of balance and routine and how important it is yet the past seven weeks I've had no balance I'm being pulled in both directions so it's kind of been all about the kids which is wonderful but I still have guilt there about them and then I have guilt about not doing my videos routine again completely out the window late night late mornings just no routine and I think that and I'm very aware of it but it's been very very difficult to kind of have some kind of routine going on I suppose there's my own fold because I could just put them in bed at 8:00 but instead I'm like I want to be fun mom let's have another movie night stay up and we have had great fun ly we've had so much fun yeah then other things offer up here has suffered a lot a lot with worry Gill no balance no retain my am back and I love you all very much and I'd really apologize from the bottom of my I know I've said that before but honestly I've missed you and I am so sorry and like I said I I am back now to stay yeah the kids are back at school back in routine I I already feel like karma I don't even mind the mad rush in the morning getting them to school like it's easier than the chaos I've kinda had up here for the past few weeks regarding the fede tribe courses are being done they're being filmed of being written up and I can't give you an exact date right now but I am literally working as hard as I can on it for you yeah and I will be back next week I love you all loads
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