I am so sorry for being absent these last few weeks. In todays vid I discuss all the things that have been going on in my brain lately. I love you all and have missed you all so much xxx

hi I'm a little place been a while back
I've really really missed you the past
few weeks the amount of times I've
picked up my phone record and I haven't
done it and I'm gonna talk about that
I suppose today's subject matter would
be guilt justified unjustified guilt and
I'm gonna tell you what's been going on
so you know my kids have been home
they've been off school for seven weeks
they went back on Wednesday and where it
is in the holidays it's very much
usually divided like my older to go to
their dad's for a couple of weeks all
the kids go to my mom's for a couple of
weeks I have them for a couple of weeks
that's how it usually is in the summer
or we go away on holiday for a week with
my mom this year we didn't do that my
mum is moving down here to live close by
me and I can't wait is so exciting but
therefore she's packing up her house and
my kids couldn't go and stay there
so whereas the older two stayed with
their dad for a couple of weeks in the
holiday the rest the other five weeks
were with me and that it we had a lovely
time but there I had some guilts
throughout the beginning of the holiday
my children's so my plaster is
downstairs that's why I'm in my bedroom
I'm here the radio on my kids friends
were going on holiday just spaying us
alone and my daughter was like saying
bye to a friend I hope you have a
fantastic time and then we left their
house and I just felt my heart went out
I could to see in her face that she was
really gutted but we weren't having a
holiday I explained like I can't afford
to take us from holiday this year I'm
getting house plastered we're getting
stuff done around the house
we can't literally have it all growing
up I didn't go to Spain oh I didn't we
didn't go anywhere like that um but yeah
I the guilt I suppose started there I
like home the thing is we live on South
of England in the most beautiful place
and we live by we've got nine miles of
sandy beach here it's lovely
um bar I supposed to the kids it's just
this is home it's not going on holiday
we're not going on a plane as they keep
telling me and yeah as a mum I have some
guilt there I tried to make the holidays
as fun as I can
we went crabbing I'll tell you about
that in a minute
we went to the cinema would go to the
beach we went to this air museum or
climbed on the B planes so we've done
we've done and stuff
by half as you know for children and I
was feeling guilt that I'm not taking
them away and the whole holiday like
that guilt has consumed me to the point
that I was like I pick up the phone to
do a video and then think oh I should be
spending time with them so the point nap
like I'd be trying to happen we'd have
like we have so many movie nights I mean
it was amazing we've had a great time
but we have so many movie nights but
when we do stuff like that then I've
come down in the morning this popcorn
everywhere the house is a mess and I'm
just like oh and like I've talked to you
guys before like when the house is
upside down up here feels like it's
upside down
and that is how I've spent the past few
weeks we know like a guilt can bring on
anxiety proving on depression and I've
definitely kind of felt what I've come
to press but there's definitely like
it's almost like I've just stalled I've
just stopped and like froze them and I'm
not not doing what I know I'm not doing
what I need to be doing I need to be
filming the courses I mean it's so
difficult because downstairs is
completely upside-down at the moment I
had the kids home so that it was just
impossible all these plans that I had I
just I couldn't fulfill them it was just
impossible is when you've got the
children running around and the whole
house honestly if I took you down there
is that the less it would look nice in
the end I just was like I've just kind
of frozen and then I beat myself up
about that and I feel guilty about that
because I want to be doing videos for
you I want to get this website launched
and but at the same time I forgot the
kids my mom play football with me mom do
you're the worst mom in the world this
I've been told I'm the worst mom they
hate me
well I say that it's just actually my
ten-year-old my daughter that tells me
that and then yeah really being pulled
in two directions now I know we have
like justified Gil when you've actually
done something wrong so you go out punch
someone in the face like your friend
then and feel guilty after well that's
quite a justified you've done something
that shouldn't have done
I suppose I'm justified Gil it it's when
we tell ourselves it's very much our
self-talk and we might perceive like so
in might for Mari for an example I feel
guilty that I wasn't able to take my
kids aboard
okay is it justified well no I just
didn't have the money but my head tells
me well why didn't you you should
somehow find it and take them on holiday
but that you know it's it's not
justified when I look at it and
logically I know I've done everything I
can with them this holiday I have tried
to spend as much time having fun and
laughing and doing all the things I
should be doing with them but I still
feel guilty but then on top of that I
feel guilty because I know I haven't
been doing my videos for you guys and I
know I should be and I'd have still been
replying to like private messages on
Instagram and then when I get back to
people but not not like the way I used
to not as much because even like if I'm
on my phone like kids do I mean nuts
this gives me complete like complex as
well I'll be on my phone replied some
and they get o on your phone again and I
feel like I'm one of those moms that
literally just sits on their phone
scrolling through Facebook not giving
their kids at the time and I try to
explain them actually don't I'm doing
something like I'm trying to it's like
for my subscribers but they're just kids
they don't get it it's just like mom's
looking at our phones and so then that
makes me feel bad so I feel like I'm
being torn in two directions like pulled
in two directions I want to be a
fabulous mom and give my kids all the
time it's very difficult when you're
this four of them I always wanted four
and I don't regret having four but it's
difficult to manage that time to make
sure they each get an equal amount of
time and often you can't give them the
same amount of time eat every day and
then at night I put my head on my pillow
and I think oh I didn't spend as much
time with this one or I didn't I shoulda
done this with this one this one wanted
to play with me and I said always been
doing something like this and it is
literally and I know it's all up here
it's all up here mind is of dangerous
places in there like when we leave to
its own devices it can really get
carried away with itself now you guys
know I lost my uncle a few months ago
that's another thing that's very much
played on my mind I thought I was like
dealt with that I didn't even really cry
that much it's like I'll cut off but I
suppose it comes out in other ways and
I've very much been thinking to myself
like you know I I've got channel where I
talk about mental health I wrote a book
to do with mental health
why didn't I reach out to him more
because my uncle had an eating disorder
and that's ultimately what led to his
death and why couldn't I have saved him
I suppose and I know I'm not like this
superhero with a cape I know
I'm just like maybe I could've done more
it was very difficult because he's in
Dublin he was in Dublin in Ireland and
I'm over here and I have four children
but I think back to the times like my
brother would be over and he'd say
here's a high I am cool and then I just
go about my business because I've before
kids and I'm like why didn't you just
sit down and actually have a proper
conversation like the last conversation
I had was when he was in hospital like a
couple the day before a couple of days
before he passed away and so I have to
go about that but then at the same time
I have to think you have four children
and this is the thing when you feel
guilty about something it's very good to
write stuff down and do some journaling
and have a think about why why do you
feel what is making you feel guilty so
for example like with my uncle is like
well because I kind of understand mental
health I've been there so maybe I should
have reached out to him more but I
didn't the fact is I do have four
children he did live in another country
chances are even if I reached out he
wouldn't have accepted the help because
he had been offered help from my
counselors Matt and um yeah I I also
know that Gil is very much part of a
grieving process often when we lose
someone that we love there's times we
will then go through feeling guilt about
it and thinking about them so I do know
that it's normal as well and my head has
just been really chaotic but I do I'm
really a where I'm not surprised as
chaotic because my house is chaotic it's
completely upside-down I like not even
just upside down so this house is for
over a hundred years ago and they've
stripped it back and so we've got these
right it was built like him 1890
something and they've taken them all
paper it's all doc so it looks like
really small and dark and dingy at that
it's gonna look fab I know that but
we've got quite a few weeks left of
complete chaos around us and regarding
vbd Drive it's obviously still happening
I just feel like I've just getting one
thing after another happening that's
getting in the way
crabbing so this is what happened I went
crabbing not collecting apples crabbing
I went crabbing down at the sea with
next catching big crabs like bigger than
your hand
massive crabs and I was there with my
friend and her kids were there and my
kids are there and I kept saying like
basically there's like a barrier and
then there's a drop down and you throw
the stuff down and the sea was really
like choppy bad it looked it didn't look
like a friendly calm lovely sea that
you'd want to swim in it looked like a
sea that wants to gobble you up and I
kept saying to my son Ethan he said you
getting a bit close come back please
Ethan you get a bit close
can he come back please and I thought
he's just not listening so I just moved
I was just behind him before I know he's
gone in he went over the side without
thinking I dived in on top of his head
why would I jump on his head looking bad
like with hindsight I look at that and I
see he was treading water quite well and
then I came and jumped on his head and
put my rip on top but here's the reason
I did it over here in the UK the week it
happened there was a little boy who had
gone fishing and he fell into the river
and his dad jumped in straight after but
the current pulled him away and his body
was found five days later that had
happened the week my son fell in and
that was very fresh in my mind they'd
literally the day before found this
little boy's body he was only six and my
son's five so he fell in
I was so terrified he was gonna get
dragged out I just dived on top of him
just so I could grab him but obviously
there is then you've got a wall to get
out and it's covered in green slime and
my friend was trying to pull us out but
every time she pulled like we were
pulling her in and she cut all her leg
up so are some other people run over and
a guy managed to lift my son out and
then they him and my friends I had to
get me out and it was only actually
after my son was out that all of a
sudden I was swimming there on the spot
and I thought I could there are big fat
wraps around me and I'm surprised I
didn't freak out but we were really
really lucky someone glass out it was
amazing and I've lady run wrap to tower
on my son that was um it was just a
terrifying experience absolutely
my mum bless her she never helps she's
such a warrior like so I phoned her and
she's like why did he fall it why why
didn't you have him like I'm all the
kids were saddled on I was there I was
sat right there the the accidents happen
but it's like but you should have had
him and um that didn't help that didn't
help me but my I know my moms are
worrying I know she doesn't like me niet
horribly or anything um say that
happened literally that happened I think
like on a Friday the following Friday I
was having movie night with my older -
and my son jumped backwards on the radio
on the sofa flung his head back and it
hit the corner of the radiator and his
head just went bust open blood
everywhere he was screaming I was just
thinking I'm gonna faint Oh Gauri is
like it's the worst feeling my ex
actually took him to a A&E and they
glued it shut and he was good as gold he
had a headache that for a bit but other
than that like he was lucky then
the day before yesterday I was
downstairs and Eason
I could hear Issa and my five year old
chasing Lottie my two-year-old and I can
hear her screaming together and I'm like
Ethan stop chasing her and I can hit her
running to get away like she she had one
of his toys and he chases her to get toy
but usually downstairs you know it's
fine but it was upstairs so I ran to the
stairs and when Eason because she had
started to come downstairs next thing
bum-bum-bum she's falling down the
stairs oh so she cried for a minute and
then was fine I was like okay maybe
she's okay but Lots he's very much she
just gets only things he's like she's
got a really high pain threshold because
the other day I've got her new shoes she
wore them all day when I took her shoes
off in the evening her feet were
bleeding like it rubbed her skin roar
and I little toes and she had not once
said her feet hurt she didn't try to
take them off she just gets on with it
and this is like she always does that if
she falls she just gets up which I
suppose is good in some ways but in
other ways it's bad because so what
happened I was like does your wrist her
and she was like hmm well that was it
and then she just wanted to play and we
were saying do this with your wrist do
this and she could do move it and she
was fine and so I thought okay so she
went to sleep happy the next day I
dropped for a nursery and I said to them
like can you could just keep an eye
because this is what happened she fell
down the stairs yesterday she said I
risked her I kept touching it she kind
of grew misses but then is fine they
said okay so she went to nursery she was
happy all day but they said she had a
little fall in the sand pair and leant
on her wrist and cried and usually she
falls all the time and she doesn't cry
so I was like okay I'm just going to get
her up the hospital get checked and the
nurse of his lie I'm sure she'll be fine
she seems very happy she's running
and it was explained to the nurse that
Li you know this little girl has a
really high pain threshold I wouldn't I
think you really need to look live so
sure enough they gave her an x-ray and
she has a buckle fracture the way it was
described imagine a tree trunk that's
the bone and a piece of bark peeling off
that sort of bone that's what's happened
she's got a little cost a little cost or
no little arm and a little like sling
I'll draw a poster picture actually if
you guys to see on Instagram but yeah it
was like my poor girl and she'd gone to
nursery all day before so I'm really
haven't had much luck the past few days
for the past few weeks my friend's
little girl actually she broke her leg
this week as well I mean between the two
of us we were just having no luck at all
so yeah basically goes this is what's
going on I am being torn in lots of
directions the kids are back at school
now my house is complete chaos
downstairs but I can come up to my room
so I will be back doing regular videos I
can promise you that because there's no
reason for me not to because they are
back at school now and we're back in a
routine I think that's another thing
because I always talk to you about the
importance of balance and routine and in
fact in my book the big book on
borderline personality disorder I think
I have a chapter called the power of
balance and routine and how important it
is yet
the past seven weeks I've had no balance
I'm being pulled in both directions so
it's kind of been all about the kids
which is wonderful but I still have
guilt there about them and then I have
guilt about not doing my videos routine
again completely out the window late
night late mornings
just no routine and I think that and I'm
very aware of it but it's been very very
difficult to kind of have some kind of
routine going on
I suppose there's my own fold because I
could just put them in bed at 8:00 but
instead I'm like I want to be fun mom
let's have another movie night stay up
and we have had great fun ly we've had
so much fun yeah then other things offer
up here has suffered a lot a lot with
Gill no balance no retain my am back and
I love you all very much and I'd really
apologize from the bottom of my I know
I've said that before but honestly I've
missed you and I am so sorry
and like I said I I am back now to stay
yeah the kids are back at school back in
routine I I already feel like karma I
don't even mind the mad rush in the
morning getting them to school like it's
easier than the chaos I've kinda had up
here for the past few weeks
regarding the fede tribe courses are
being done they're being filmed of being
written up and I can't give you an exact
date right now but I am literally
working as hard as I can on it for you
yeah and I will be back next week I love
you all loads
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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