Last year was a tough one and today I can look back and see where I made mistakes regarding my recovery.

Transcript:
hi my lovely happy 2020 I know we're a
month in already I didn't do a video in
January 2019 was really bad year for me
I wish I could just raise it but at the
same time now I mean to see you know I'm
in a much better place I'm feeling good
everything's okay
now looking back with hindsight I can
see I've learnt quite a few lessons from
the things I went through I have planned
to do a video in January but January is
a bit of a like mmm months isn't it
Christmas is over I had to get back into
the school and I was still kind of
trying to get over 2019 and I had little
lofty turn 3 on the 30th of January
candy but I remember introducing her to
all she's three years old now 2020 is
gonna be a great year I feel much better
but uncle I'm not like I said I want I
wish I could delete 2019 but at the same
time I do believe we go through
challenges and they make us stronger and
for me it was a real eye-opener so I
came into 2019
I had sinusitis I had just been through
a breakup I was not feeling good at all
I had sinusitis but I didn't actually
get diagnosed from the doctor until
February and then I was put on a 12-week
course of antibiotics I got in a habit
of sleeping in the day cutting myself
off from the outside world I now this
isn't an excuse but I was really really
poorly and saying I just I wouldn't
bother
cooking for myself and making myself a
licen of nice lunch adi a packet of
crisps i ate junk I've heard a lot of
weight on in 2019 but I'm hoping to lose
this that it was when you're physically
unwell it can affect you mentally
especially like for me because I was
physically unwell I stopped taking care
of myself like I didn't take me time me
time was sleeping which isn't actually
me time it was just feeling like rubbish
getting into bed covering my eyes and
going to sleep and I kind of got into
that habit for a while and then I went
the other way and I would have my friend
here all the time and her children here
all the time and as lovely as they are
I've always kind of known I'm the sort
of person like my I like coming home I
like my space I like being on my own I
need that I didn't realize how much I
needed that actually I kind thought I've
never socialized before and this is
really great I'm socializing now this is
amazing and but it was every single day
and I didn't have time to clean the
house I mean I was having a lot of
renovations done so the house was upside
down anyway but on top of that I had
people around me constantly and it's
only now looking back with hindsight
that I think that did not help me I am
someone that needs a routine I think
those of us with BPD I wrote about it in
my book routine balance I have no
balance at the beginning of the year I
just isolated I was on my own I'd sleep
all day no balance at all then I went
the other extreme people round all the
time no balance no me time no time to
focus on my videos
I really just stopped looking after
myself and I stopped doing what I tell
you guys to do basically I didn't take
my own advice I just kind of went along
with everything now I did lose my uncle
I had a few traumatic events last year
which I explained in another video and I
think I kind of really lost myself last
year and I felt lost but I didn't want
to tell anyone I was lost I wanted to
blend that everything was ok and
everything was good but I didn't take my
own advice
I just didn't I didn't have any kind of
routine I had zero balance self-care or
just I stopped I wasn't I couldn't be
bothered really with makeup I think I
just was happy in my tracks ooh exercise
what the hell is that whereas before I
laughed going to the gym and doing
exercise classes that went out the
window
junk food lots of junk food but Here I
am I got through Christmas this
Christmas I was
I've probably I was probably the poorest
like financially poorest this year than
any of the year but it was the rest it
was like well I've got no money so I can
only get suck this and that's it it was
before I think Oh have I got enough I've
got this I've got that it was all about
the presents and this year I was like no
it's not gonna be about that this is
what I have this is what they're getting
and I like it love it and it's about the
experience and I was saying to my mum
like I look back on Christmases when I
was a little girl and I don't know what
present I got when I was 8 years old or
10 years old or 11 or 12 but I remember
the Christmases I remember the games we
played
who was there the laughs we had the
family arguments or whatever it was that
I remembered it wasn't I don't like I
think one year I got a bike I could have
been five I could have been 15 no idea
but so this year it was about the
experience and playing games and
spending time and not getting caught up
on my material things and it was
literally the nicest Christmas Christmas
was so good it was so good
obviously usually after Christmas I have
a big slump but I think hole the hole of
2019 was a slump for me and after
Christmas it started picking up and this
so many of you can probably relate we
like own next year you'll be about here
and I was just like boron 2020 roll on
20 21st January 2020 came not feeling
any different that's why I never do New
Year's resolutions because I just
believe there's something that's set you
up to fail and then you feel rubbish
about not rubbish about yourself so I
don't do them but I aim to get my act
together in February because then it's
not a New Year's resolution so I'm not
going to fail if I don't say first of
February comments and then I'll put
stuff into action and I'm getting back
to the gym starting to be healthy I had
scrambled eggs and a Picard egg for
breakfast so yeah I wish I'd take my own
advice but when you kind of get so stuck
in it you just you don't I've really
missed you guys like really missed you
I miss all your lovely comments you but
I did my last video and I almost all
this comments coming in a nozzle it was
like I couldn't even face anything I
just wanted to put my head under a
pillow and just hide
I did the video and I was just like just
want to disappear hibernate come out and
now I'm out I'm better I'm feeling so
much better I still have my friends but
I don't have to make them my life I know
I need balance so this time last year my
book was published it came out I want
you to know thank you every single one
of you that has bought my book like I
can't thank you enough book sales are on
the up every month they get more and
more and more which is huge because it
means you guys that have bought it and
read about it you're telling people and
those people are going and buying it and
it's kind of word of mouth because I
haven't done any advertising at all
that's amazing that's absolutely amazing
and I literally can't thank you enough
this time last year I was like the
courses will be out seen the courses I'm
not gonna lie to you I've literally I
was stuck I was completely stuck I
didn't know what I was doing or I
thought I didn't know what I was doing
and I'd sit there with all paperwork
around me trying to plan one bloomin
course I couldn't do it and it was not
last night and that was it Saturday
night I was like I've got the kids to
bear to I sat down all of a sudden I
felt like something clicked and since
then I've been working my butt off doing
the course plan so I mean let me show
you I'll show you the house is so
different
oh I haven't done any housework well I
have but just not not today this was my
front room I got radiator cover my catty
lottie's make a dollhouse huge mirror
lottie's little number three cards down
that end table my Gustav Klimt picture I
we'll show you into the hallway it looks
like everything is just no I'm better
this is the snug you know the snug so I
always said you I hate this room I hate
this room I've got a load of blankets on
this I've got like this I got ins I did
floor to ceiling books chandelier this
is the room I'm gonna be doing all my
courses in I hated this room this is the
room I say only gonna hold baby and now
I absolutely love this room and this is
gonna be the room that I do all my work
in not my usual YouTube videos but the
courses for sure my 10 year old is
telling me it's also her YouTube room
she doesn't do YouTube videos but she
thinks she will be so yeah it's it's
very different it's coming together the
course is I can't wait to start filming
and they will basically my porch and
that's why the snug the room I used to
hate it's full of coats and shoes and
da-da-da-da-da because this but they
belong in the porch but the porch is
getting replastered there was loads of
damping there I've had a new floor put
in as soon as that is done I'm having
windows fitted any time I'm waiting to
hear from them as soon as that's done
all the shoes the coats and everything
can move out and I will finally have my
room back and then I can start filming
the courses and I'm really really ready
for it I hope you're all good if you
have video requests please
let me know and I will get on that
because I know last year the videos I
put out very yeah like I just start
filming I didn't really put any any
effort into anything the lie I'd do a
live video now and again thinking oh
really no but I was too nervous to put
the camera on and fill myself cuz I
really just didn't want to see myself or
hear myself I didn't know I kind of felt
I didn't know what I was talking about
so I'd take my meds at nighttime and
then think like when I'm a bit high
let's do a video which really wasn't the
best idea so this is in a year and I
feel like I'm definitely back to being
myself I feel much better
and it's really good to connect with all
of you again and you will get a weekly
video from now on and I will keep you
updated as soon as I start filming the
courses because like I said the websites
ready to go and I'm literally so excited
to show you because I think it is gonna
be a game-changer guys so I'm gonna
leave it there I love love you I love
you all so much
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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