hi my lovelies today I'm upstairs
filming in my room because my partner's
not well in he's downstairs I've
literally had the most manic few weeks
so my son was unwell with tonsillitis
they gave him penicillin he came up in
the worst rash head-to-toe and then
Wednesday night he like started getting
excruciating tummy pains and they've got
progressively worse every day
so some day in the end I had to went up
to the hospital with him and they said
we need to transfer and parent
pediatrics because they thought it might
be a rumbling appendix and so we were
there till ridiculous time that I got
home at 3 in the morning I don't know
how I managed to do the school run the
next day I somehow did manage to get
them to school on time but it has
literally been manic I had my eldest
daughter off yesterday because she was
complaining of tummy pains my son was
home obviously my little girl was home
because she doesn't need to nursery that
day and then I got a phone call at like
12 o'clock saying can you collect your
son the fourth child from school he's
bumped his head really badly and I was
like Oh give us a break when am I gonna
get break but I'm here cook they're back
at school today
so I can film again I'm doing a video
request from Claire hi Claire and Claire
asked me to talk about women like those
of us with BPD have an episode Claire
mentioned it was her Parma's 30th
birthday she had episode and ruined the
night now I can so relate to this
because I just seemed to ruin any
occasion that I went to whether it was
someone's wedding whether it was
someone's birthday whether it was just
going out with friends I always seemed
to do something to ruin it and I'm
pretty sure I was going numb already I'm
pretty sure like two Outsiders they kind
of think we do it on purpose they think
it's us attention-seeking but
life we've got out for someone's
birthday and then we ruin their people
think we've done it to kind of make the
day all about us because it's someone
else's birthday not a birthday we want
it to be our birthday and that is just
not the case that is not the reason that
we do this but I've been kind of mulling
over that why why do we do this because
I did it all the time absolutely all the
time and I was thinking there's a number
of reasons now I think one of them is
our either low self-esteem or our
unclear self-image we want to fit in you
want to be liked add on top of that
we've also got a fear of abandonment
thinking people are gonna leave us and
we also have really really intense
emotions so I was thinking back to when
I used to go out and I used to always
have like this nervous energy like I was
excited I always had that knot in my
stomach I'm coming out so exciting and
now I think maybe that just wasn't just
like excitement maybe there was a bit
more to it like that was my
fight-or-flight response kicking in
early like oh my god something's gonna
happen something's gonna happen and it
put me on edge so like when I used to go
out then I without like consciously
doing it I would be looking around
thinking people might be talking about
me if I saw people laughing I thought it
was at me as opposed to just two people
having a laugh if I was with a partner
and the loads of people were talking to
him I really felt like I was pushed out
and that's the fear of abandonment
coming in and us desperately wanting to
fit in and not feeling like we do now
the main thing
is when we go out to these events or
occasions there's usually alcohol
involved for me there was always alcohol
involved now I'm not saying don't drink
but alcohol will heighten whatever
emotions were having so if we're anxious
and we're thinking people are talking
about us then when we drink alcohol that
is going to be heightened that we might
think so start with Oh it's relaxing me
because I just think it would relax me
but it kind of gets to a point when
actually all those thoughts come back
can all those feelings and they hit you
like a ton of bricks and we kick off
because we have borderline rage we have
extreme anger and it like I said it's
that fight-or-flight response and
unfortunately a lot the time when we
like that and we've had a drink we will
then fight even though there's actually
nothing there for us to fight but we
perceive it to be a threat like the
threat to our self-esteem a threat to
like the relationship with our partner
we just don't take it well and we react
and the problem is like one intense
emotions but we seem to have like we
can't put a brake on it to stop it it
just happens and it all happens so
quickly and before we know it we've
ruined the night and it's not until like
everything's calmed down that we realize
I oh my god why did I do that
and we can then kind to see things
rationally and realize no one was
talking about us no one was laughing
about us my partner wasn't gonna leave
me I had no reason why did I do that
but it's only like with
hindsight that we start to see these
things because when we're in it
especially if we're drinking it's very
easy for us just to like just well we
just don't think rationally we don't see
things rationally we don't we can't
because we're kind of - in that extreme
intense emotional state so how do you
overcome this if you've had an episode
and you've ruined the night you can't go
back and change time it's done what is
done is done at the end of the day we
can feel really bad for what we've done
and maybe like we can say to Harlan I'm
really really sorry I'm really from a
get-a-grip Ness I know I've I did wrong
I know I shouldn't have done that I'm
trying to understand why I did that and
do you go around apologizing to everyone
possibly not at this stage because if
you are not in recovery and refugees
still very much in control of you you
might say it was like your partner's
family you might go and say oh I'm
really sorry and they'll go yeah it's
really bad what you did and then
straightaway that kicks off the
fight-or-flight again and will get
really angry or will say something rare
and so I always think like in time when
we get into recovery we can go back and
we can make amends to people that's when
we're emotionally strong that and we're
more in control of the borderline
personality disorder rather than it
controlling us obviously if it's your
partner it's different you can kind of
say look I'm really sorry I'll try to
sort this out but then you've got to
look at okay what am I going to do next
time and one thing might be don't drink
at least don't bring too much if you've
got to have one having one and really
try to limit it secondly if
you can feel those things coming up
where you think people are talking about
you or you can just feel those emotions
and sometimes before you can even
recognize that you're feeling an emotion
you might have physical feelings you
might be a bit shaky or you might get
that knot in your stomach
and when this happens it was possibly a
good time to say bye excuse yourself and
to say to your partner quietly look I'm
really sorry I'm not feeling too good I
don't want to cause a scene or anything
I'm just gonna go but it's okay you stay
out and go home
I wouldn't necessarily go somewhere
where you and your own maybe going to
talk to a friend or phone a family
member and just kind of process how
you're feeling but take yourself out
that situation um I'd say like well it's
very easy to say we'll just think
rationally through it but when you're
out and about we're all ready we're
going to suffer that anxiety so that is
easier said than done but like
beforehand if you are feeling too
nervous and you think I don't think it's
a good idea maybe it's not a good idea
maybe it's okay to give it Mis and just
put a film on and stay in one thing I
would say is if you have done this like
I have done repeatedly throughout my
life don't beat yourself up about it
because you can't go back and change it
you can't you you didn't set out with
the intention to ruin the night you
didn't think I had tonight I'm going to
cause a scene and make it about me
because we don't do that so there's
absolutely no point that guilt that
shame that remorse
it's pointless just to stay stuck in it
what we can do is use it say okay I
don't like feeling like this how am I
going to solve this so this doesn't
happen again
and look at it that way rather than just
getting eaten up with all that
negativity
it will just keep you stuck and you
won't be able to recover because you'll
just be so caught up with oh my god I'm
such a bad person
like I said we don't choose to have
borderline personality disorder we just
have it but we can get ahold of it we
can take our lives back and we can
become more in control but being stuck
feeling guilty won't get you into
recovery basically so you need to
something say okay I'm just gonna let
that go guys I've got some interesting
news actually my video is gonna stop
calling I'm gonna I'll redo another
video and let you know I love you guys