hi today I'm doing a video on what it's
like to have borderline personality
disorder when I was a teenager I never
knew I had borderline personality
disorder as a teenager I wasn't
diagnosed until I was 21 I have to say
my teenage years were probably the
hardest years in my life I mean my
twenties were pretty bad but the teens
because I didn't understand what was
wrong with me I always felt different I
I think it's human nature like we've
kind of got a pack mentality and we
stick together we want to be accepted by
others or we want to lead you know a lot
of our mentality is how we interact with
others and I just felt like I didn't fit
in but I didn't know how or why and I
never once thought I had something
mentally wrong with me that didn't cross
my mind I thought maybe I was just a bad
person I remember like in my teens like
I said I really wanted to fit in and I
used humor as a way to do that I was the
class clown I was always cracking jokes
because if people were laughing with me
I fell they liked me now not just that
when I was laughing and making people
laugh they thought I was alright I felt
like they can come normal but inside I
felt like I was just like a mess really
like being torn apart inside it was
awful but I could put on this mask and
be okay and be the class clown and make
people laugh but this isn't really good
for my studies and I would get in
trouble with the teachers a lot Trina
white walking path oh I remember being
when I was called out my teacher for
like messing around
my rage levels who gave from right down
here to help just
rage because I felt so humiliated and
that I've been called out in front of
everyone and I didn't deal with it very
well I would throw my books I would
swear at the T chart I would storm out
the class now this kind of behavior
obviously gets the rest of the class
talking and and when I felt I was being
talked about which was all the time
pretty much I'd got on a real downer and
I could go to the toilets and I'm
self-harm but a lot of the time I bought
that rage home with me and my poor mum
she kinda took the brunt of it really I
was talking to my mom today actually on
the phone I talked to my mom every day
we're like best friends he's amazing I
am so fortunate in the fact that she
always stood stood by me even when
things are that bad bad bad she never
gave up and she used to tell the doctors
I will not give up on my daughter and so
I'm extremely lucky because there's a
lot of people out there that don't have
that kind of support everyone else
around me was kind up washing their
hands me had enough but my mom never did
and so I walk into her today and I said
do you remember the car journeys to
school because I went to an all-girls
school my brother went to an all-boys
school and my mum would drive us in the
morning and she took two other girls
from my school and literally I'd sit in
the back of the car heading out fuck off
telling her oh she was dead calling her
every name under the Sun I was literally
vile AM and I mentioned it to her today
like do you remember when I was horrible
and and she does but what she didn't
know which is what I told her today it
was I remember it so clearly literally
every time I said something so nasty to
my mom I felt like I've been punched in
the stomach because I always loved my
mum even back then I loved her and the
thought of her being hurt hurt me and
the fact that I was the one hurt in her
just hurt me even more I don't know if
that makes any sense but literally I did
every time I said something nasty it was
just like
so painful inside that I was doing that
and I'd kind of take that into school
and then I'd act out um my teen years of
the bulimia started I started thinking I
was far and obsessing kind of over my
way and what looked like when makeups
and boys um sex I used to think if I had
sex with a man or boy and he must love
me which boys don't have that kind they
don't have that view and so in the
morning I just feel horrible and like
something was wrong with me why don't
they want to marry me I gave them my
body yeah and I'm like using that to
make myself feel good because at the
time it was I mean sex I could feel like
I was in control this man wanted me but
inevitably I just feel like shit the
next day and I used alcohol because that
made me feel better and anything that
wasn't supposed to I mean my mum was
against me getting my ears pierced til I
was going on 13 and Todd got my belly
pierced and then I got tattoos and I
mean I've had touch men's names on me
and then had to have them lasered off
and it's just ridiculous
but it was just this impulsive behavior
constantly and I did not know what was
wrong with me
I mean as a teenager you've kind of got
all those hormones go in anyway and and
they're kind of tough years because you
feel like you're an adult you know and I
felt like I was an adult I didn't I've
been told what to do I used to run away
from home from about the age of 11 I'd
run away from home my mom would have the
police out looking for me and then in my
late well the last 13 years really
I started overdosing on drugs now a lot
of what I did um for example one of my
favorite things was to smash my head of
a concrete floor or into a wall or
wherever until my head was bleeding I'd
literally want to crack my head open and
it was a cry for help but it was like
subconscious I didn't think I'm gonna
smash my head off the floor someone will
give me attention it just wasn't like
that I would just do it um I was just so
frustrated I just didn't know what fuck
was wrong with me
I mean I really think borderline
personality disorder needs to be
diagnosed earlier if not if they're not
willing to diagnose it at least teaching
schools gives them skills and because
when I did dialectical behavioral
therapy
DBT when I was taught I used to say to
the lady teaching us oh my god this
should be taught in schools everyone
should know this they are life skills
and I didn't have any of those so
whenever I had an extreme emotion
whether it was a good emotion or a bad
emotion I would just use a reckless
behavior a drink start using drugs or
self-harm make myself sick and run away
from home or that be a verbally abusive
I'd be physically abusive and the amount
of times would smash up the house I
I was physically abusive not just
towards my mama Paul brother one of my
brothers and I didn't know why I did it
because I hated doing it but I did um I
wasn't a nice person but that's the
thing I didn't get I hated not being a
nice person it's not like I got a thrill
out or not being a nice person because
I'm not a nice person I hated being like
that I hated her in other people but I
couldn't stop it all my relationships
broke down when I was I talking another
video I was with a guy I was 14 found
out he had porn mags tried to throw
myself off a motorway bridge because I
couldn't bear the thought I thought
because he looks at other women
he thinks I'm fat I'm ugly I'm this on
that and I couldn't deal with that
um friendship relationship so I'd get
possessive over friends if I was like
when I went to my girls Scott I mean I
got bullied at girls school and that was
not nice and I was so feared up and
afraid I couldn't defend myself but I
did have a little close group of friends
I don't think they realized the extent
of just how bad the bullying was because
none of them really jumped to my defense
or maybe that's my perception I don't
know but um so I'd have my group of
friends and if some other new girl came
into the group I'd want her to like me
most and if I thought she likes someone
else more I've get really nasty towards
them and say really nasty things and
bitchy comments and it's only now that I
look back and think god I was a little
bitch really um but I never wanted to be
like that
I never chose to be like that and I do
feel really bad for my behaviors now I
just couldn't control those emotions
like I said as a teenager it's hard
anyway so I kind of think I've covered
it basically if you're a teenager out
there I mean I'm 34 now
it's mold um but back then like the
world that you know it's like it's just
everything and you kinda don't see ahead
into a future I never looked into my
future being 34 to seem like oh my god I
be like ancient um but just now you're
not alone there's so many people out
there that feel like that and it will
get better but you have to learn the
skills I mean you can't just sit back
and hope this will just go away
because don't get me wrong I think with
borderline personality disorder can ease
off later on but if you have a set of
skills that could help you regulate
those emotions now it will make your
life so much easier if I could look back
and talk to my teenage self I would say
it will be all right everything will be
all right just have a little faith and
get through this and just know these few
years I know they seem like lifetime
when you're in them but they're over in
a blink of an eye and you will look back
on this experience and look how you can
help other people now so um I'll leave
it there guys
love you all