[Music]
Hey
Merry Christmas hey Stacey hi demon I'm
really where there's loads of music
going on I wanted to just check in with
you guys and check you're all safe and
well I've never done a live video before
who's here
so are you guys keeping safe oh it's so
nice thing on your messages Wow Austria
got the UK hey so this is my first live
video I was going can you hear me okay
everyone hear me okay cuz I've never
done this before
ah the code is stressful in Australia
I'll call you can hear me oh I'm sorry
it's been stressful
the thing is Christmas is now over I
really wanted to do a live stream
yesterday to check in with you but I was
exhausted and my daughter wasn't very
well last night
MS vaping what's going on with you
Emma's vaping you okay oh yeah she's
being grumpy my daughter really really
grumpy my son yesterday woke me up
yesterday morning and I got up he was
like he wanted to open his stocking from
Santa and I was like yeah really really
exciting so I got up and I'm looking at
here's um stocking with him I think I'll
go down have a coffee and then he woke
your sister so I thought I'll get her a
bottle so I went downstairs looked at
the time it was 2:40 a.m. I was like get
off the bed we are going back to red
this is absolutely ridiculous
so and the person that said they need to
talk to someone on
Instagram I do tend to check my
Instagram quite a lot and I am often
there as recovery mom M om I believe the
thing is guys Christmas is now over in
Ireland at Saint Stephen's Day over here
it's Boxing Day so we get in there
because it is a really really stressful
time but we are getting there
and before we know it it's gonna be the
new year and we are all going to have
fantastic tests yeah it's gonna be great
and I'm gonna hopefully do some brain
videos cuz I really adore bringing
around I'll see if you just I've got my
family some of my family loads of them
have gone on thank you for all your
lovely comments thank you gonna say hi
it's live my auntie Jessie say hi cousin
Jessie he's um he's the one that builds
my website and does all the technical
stuff for me because I literally don't
have a clue so it's been a nice day
My partner is at home he um he couldn't
come because he's ill say haha all your
messages are coming up and I just want
to read all of them I'm gonna have to go
back through because I just can't keep
up but I have literally been thinking
about you guys all December really
because I know just how tough this time
year is especially like when I got into
recovery well it was hard before when I
wasn't in recovery and I was drinking
and I used to stay up all Christmas Eve
night I could never ever um have
Christmas dinner because I was just a
mess
like passed out on the sofa
um yeah and then I got into recovery and
it was really hard because everyone was
going out and having a laugh and
drinking and I just I just couldn't do
that but today I kind of have no
expectations I think we've kind of just
got go with the flow and get through it
is just another day but people build
into such a big thing and I think unless
people have loads and loads of money
it's really hard for us to enjoy it um
because people when you've got loads of
money it's not an issue you can have the
best food and go to the nicest places
and buy everyone the best presents and
but most of us don't have all that money
and it yeah it stuff is very stressful
thank you so much for your lovely
messages but like I said we've got new
year new year's tough as well I have
said before in my videos I literally
every New Year Eve I would go out and I
always in my head I would say it's gonna
be the best new year ever ever ever
I'm just gonna have the best time and
it's gonna be amazing but I can't
actually control things and it never
iron-rich you still get stressed like
yeah I couldn't control it and it never
met my expectations and by the end of
the night I've just read you were kicked
out d bitch I'll talk to in a second and
by the end of the night I would be on a
complete down our Road often still be
looking for drugs and out and about and
everyone else was like yeah we can just
go home to go to bed and I was like no
the night's not over because it hasn't
met my expectation to it I need it to go
on it needs to get better come on and um
every New Year's day I ended up in
hospital life from overdosing because I
just couldn't deal with it and every New
Year's Day my mom was upset when my
bedside in a hospital but now I don't go
out I set no expectation
I sometimes go to bed at like 10 o'clock
and it's okay I just sit in I eat I ate
so much yesterday I literally couldn't
move I was something so far I was like
oh I can't move but in my head all our
thinking is you've got cheese and
crackers in the kitchen you've just got
to get to the kitchen to get your cheese
and crackers I couldn't move or so stuff
and I was still thinking about food I
wake up this morning and opened a box of
roses chocolates and just ate chocolate
for breakfast and then came to my mum's
and she's done loads and loads of food
and the peasant wrote about the dbt I
don't know if you missed the other day I
read someone said that's okay sorry guys
one second by my auntie Cindy she bought
me the best present I got and the beauty
and the beast' teapot no not the money
boss the actual teapot and the little
chip mugs and it's so cool
I've just read about the black sheep
project
oh sorry I'll go back to the DBT thing
and someone have message the other day
in there saying they'd miss to and
unfortunately that is the thing they can
be quite strict with DBT so if you miss
some they say well you're out and it's
oh my god chip yeah I know I loved him
and it's really hard someone's just put
I do DBT on my own and that's the thing
you can do DBT on your own the great
thing with DBT is we're learning skills
and it's great doing it as part of a
group and getting ideas and if you
you're struggling on something you can
ask questions and get help but the main
thing like I say to you guys all the
time is hi Leanne is when you practice
them and you practice them when you
don't need them and it is really hard
because if the feeling good you don't
want to be practicing skills but you
kind of got to make yourself and it is
tough to start with
but you will get there and it does it
gets easier ha ha I know it's like when
you've had a drink you know so going
back to DBT yeah you you can do it on
your own there's so much information
online I know in my solutions playlist I
think I'm gonna change the title because
a lot of people don't find but unlike
the solutions that's the solutions to
drinking and whatever solutions they're
so loud my family's allowed and I
completely forgot I was saying I do that
all the time can i oh yeah I know it's
like II think whole my child I don't
want him to have it I really recognize
it him my son you just saw like the baby
in Eastern or asleep not long ago
solutions playlists yeah but I worry and
he is so so sensitive to everything I
and just has complete break like
meltdowns all the time over the tiniest
thing in it but he can come across as
really boisterous and he's the class
clown which is what I used to be like
and everyone's like but he's so happy
and I'm like he's really deep there's a
lot to him and I worry but the thing is
these things are out of our control and
all we can really do is be there for
them focus on ourselves and on it that
sounds selfish like there's a saying in
recovery that says put your recovery
first because if you don't everyone else
you care about will come last and it's
so true so we have to put our recovery
first it might sound like we're being
selfish but if we need some time out we
have to take it
because then we can be a good parent we
can be a nice daughter a nice sister or
sibling um but we've got to put recovery
first and if we do that then we're going
to be in a bad position so if one of our
children does have this disorder we can
one spot the signs too we can guide them
I don't see Oh
Liana I just heard about your daughter
I'm your niece I'm sorry to hear that
if you're worried about someone in there
putting themselves at risk I definitely
like phone someone whether it's
emergency services if you think she
needs that or if there's there's the
Samaritans I would definitely be calling
someone who's just getting some advice
it's really really tough it's tough when
you're watching someone you love harm
themselves and you feel so helpless
and I never really got how my mom felt
until I became a mom and now I really
really do get it and I'm not going to
stay on here for ages this is my first
island then you can see I'm so tired and
my lip this one I grab it's all dry I
keep going there licking my lip and I've
made it dry yes her mother's gonna take
our basket Englund oh you can't feel
guilty about taking time for yourself
because you have you have to do that
because if you don't
chances are we can like reach bubbling
point and completely explode and just be
horrible and oh thank you
and so yeah we do need to take time for
ourselves and we need to be able to
recognize like actually I'm getting
quite like I'm getting to the point that
I'm going to explode I mean I like to
think I'm a good parent but sometimes I
am so sloppy and there's times that I
think I don't want to put my foot
through the TV like I'm going to
absolutely scream and smash the house up
and then I'm just gonna go I'm gonna
walk out I'm gonna leave my kids I can't
I don't do that but I can feel like that
and it's recognizing that and then I'm
reading all your lovely messages thank
you you guys honestly you like I believe
you keep me sane and you make this all
so worthwhile and like I said I have
really really been thinking about you
all December because like I said I know
it is a tough time and I don't know if I
will what did that person say of wine
seven years and still drink yeah
you see I I've done a video about
drinking and using drugs before because
there's the addict I believe there are
people that become addicted to anything
and they can give it up and eventually
go back and have a drink and they're
fine they just became addicted because
they overused for example then there's
the solve addicts they talk about in the
big book which is they say it's a
spiritual malady the problems themselves
I have to get clean they have to be
abstinent from everything that's even if
they have never drank alcohol anyway but
they use drugs they have to then be
abstinent from everything even alcohol
and drugs that they don't use because
eventually they will just start using
something else and substituting their
job drug of choice for that and then I
think there's people that have something
like borderline and have borderline and
we use because it that's our solution to
our problem because we feel so so bad
so um hi Stacy and yeah so we feel so
bad so we use drugs in that but I
believe then when we get into recovery
for the borderline then we're okay
like I've said to you guys
sometimes I have a brain kind of things
yesterday a little procedure but it
doesn't ever get someone all right it's
a notice that I can't think of anything
worse and I don't use any kind of drugs
or alcohol to fix my feelings anymore
I say hi mom
come say hi States we have my mummy mama
so yes I've been talking to my mom looks
like I'm really worried are you have a
beautiful mama oh I am lucky and I do
have a very supportive mum who ride
through hell and back but we've come out
the other side and you guys can too
because um I don't know if I have always
had my mom didn't always have a great
relationship I was a horrible likes so
horrible to her I literally called her
names that you would not call your worst
enemy in my teen years um and I was
absolutely vile I would threaten her we
had a really tough relationship and she
kind of felt she didn't really have a
daughter but she's still stood by me
even though I was just all four so I
would say look cuz I know some mums have
asked me before saying I just don't have
that relationship with my daughter will
I ever have it I'll say yes if they if
they can get into recovery you can you
can rebuild relationships and that's the
amazing thing
[Music]
my mom feels like I'm blaming her yeah I
hear that a lot because uh the thing
with borderline I love us and like you
hear a lot of people with borderline
have had abusive pasts say when parents
look up and think okay what can I do to
support my child on that and it's like
they've had an abusive partner past not
parents can really take that to the self
and thing oh so basically I'm the find
the problem it's all my fault and that
that's not the case I should do a video
on that like no guys I think I'm going
to love you and leave you today and I
will be back or something I have some
news good news and because someone asked
about blacksheep project um and I've
been meaning to do a video about this
basically I decided to step away from
the Black Sea project and just for the
moment I there are a number of reasons
there was basically a lady that was
heading up though I was very close to
him we worked so hard together and she
left and it was kind of everything is up
and though I was gonna be working with
new people I didn't know them everything
was changing it was like two weeks
before Christmas I had six children and
I was so so busy and I was just like oh
my god I don't know how much more of
this I can take everything's changing uh
and by having anything like on good
terms
I'm still supportive of them
but the good news the good news is I've
been effort mala I just signed a
contract to have a book out so I'm
currently writing a book and my book
should be out where we were saying
October but now I'm thinking November
and it's going to be all about
borderline I don't think I'm going to
call it it's like borderline we haven't
died thank you but basically everything
that I've ever wanted to do for you guys
to give you as much help I'm gonna put
into this this book so you will have a
manual that will tell you everything I
did I will have personal stories in
there just like when I was working the
black sheep watch everything I do I have
you guys are the forefront of my mind
like constantly like what do they need
how can I help them it will be it will
be able to help you if you're a family
member it will be able to help you if
you're someone with good life if you're
a parent if you want to help around work
I'm gonna cover everything so I
literally have so much work to do I am I
am proud yeah I've just got right I've
just got right the bloody thing but I
will be keeping you updated and I signed
the contract the other week and yeah
I've been really really looking forward
to telling you because I really do
believe that this will help you I am
able to write this because of all the
comments that you give me and questions
that you ask me I kind I I I think I
kind of know what you need and I like to
think I do if there's anything that you
think but I'm bringing a book out Emma
I've only just signed a quintet and it
would be all about borderline
I'll cover addiction I will cover
comorbidity so like borderline and
depression for the linings
etc and so far I've just written an
introduction but I'm kind of mind
mapping all my chapters and I've got
like 20 chapters or something at the
moment and yeah I really really can't
wait
yeah they've lots of opportunities have
come my way from doing YouTube YouTube
is an amazing platform and feather you
can reach so many people I know some
people kind of have like negative
experiences around it and I think even I
got close
some guy told me it's be must into dog
food ones and I was like I hope it's a
pedigree one and he didn't find it funny
but I kind of thing a lot the hey come
from people that are actually really
hurting and I tried to see it like that
and tried to be empathetic if that's the
thing that's what I was gonna say to
earlier I don't see having borderline as
the worst thing ever because we do have
pathologies and I've said that before
I've done a pizza video on the positives
and I'm gonna be putting them in the
book as well and but we need to learn to
manage it because when the ball runs out
of control we feel out of control we
have no control and you're right
sweetheart come say hi he should be in
bed what's the time past 11:00 right
mins mimi loses malian against me
she loses marry a carcass against him
I'm not only fast when the whole day oh
yeah I was just telling everyone hi
about my book
I'm writing them I'm gonna give Jamiat
for her birthday
one moment guys
lottie's wait right guys the baby's away
so I'm going I'm going to have to go
this um it's been so nice catching up
with you all and I will definitely do a
another video yes
yeah and I'll come live again I will
hopefully speech you before the new year
yeah thank you I've got to go run and
get baby but guys happy Christmas I love
you all and it's only a week now for the
new year so keep safe and I'll be back
MA bye guys