Once someone with BPD starts therapy, partners can often hope to notice changes within weeks – unfortunately it is not that simple.

Transcript:
hi my lovelies I have just recorded this
video and realized the sound wasn't
working again so I have just spoken for
like 12 minutes and now I've got to
repeat it it's so annoying right
hi rant over um this video should be
coming out Friday it is Tuesday to baby
but happy Friday I think I have a sex
video out on Wednesday but you would
have seen it at the time you see this
just realized right I have been really
poorly we have had a sickness bug I had
eight my partner had it and my two boys
had it luckily baby didn't I'm a little
girl didn't about I am feeling not 100%
thus couldn't be bothered to do the hair
again but put loads of makeup on um and
um probably bags down like this so um
yeah yes yes yes
what was her doing this video on say my
mind's gone now I just had it I was just
chatting I was going with low webcam is
going wait and then it very right of the
rant over right I am doing this video
basically because it's not a request
but I get a lot of messages from
partners of people with borderline
personality disorder and it can be loved
ones it can be like parents siblings but
it tends to be partners that I get this
message from that I'm going to tell you
about her and and basically the way the
message tends to go is that they have
been with their borderline partner for
years and years and years sometimes
they're married sometimes they're not
sometimes they have kids sometimes they
don't but they've been together a long
time and they're at the point that they
don't how much more they can take life
has been held for them
but there is good news there partner
with borderline personality disorder has
decided that they will go to therapy
they will get help so if they are
fortunate enough they might get on to
something like DBT and the partner or
husband or wife will often message me
and explain all this and say they're
just starting therapy how long till I
see a change basically when will I
notice a change because I literally
cannot take this anymore I do not know
how much more I can take
and that is the message I get so I
thought I would do a video on it because
I don't get to reply really to people
anymore and because I'm busy I'm sorry I
will keep apologizing because I feel so
bad that I can't but um yeah this is the
message I get from partners and my
answer is probably not the one that
would want to hear but it can take time
basically it is not an overnight thing
for example if your partner is starting
DBT on Friday do not expect by the
following Friday for you to have less
mood swings around the house or see
noticeable changes because chances are
you will not see any changes the
partners basically that I've have got
messages from sometimes they're
borderline loved one self arms regularly
sometimes they've cheated
sometimes they haven't sometimes they've
just walked out and left and they do
this wrigley and then come back
sometimes their substance misuse
sometimes there's alcoholism stealing
money lying to usual and it is hard when
you have lived with someone like this
for years and you love them and you feel
that finally they are getting help
yeah I understand that you like okay so
they're finally getting help when's this
going to be over this is going to be
over everything's going to be back to
being wonderful and but I would say
frost on why are they going to therapy
if they are going to therapy because
they have been taught into it and so
they're just going along basically to
please those around them they don't want
to be there so they will chances are sit
in group therapy like not really
participating not really taking anything
in they might not do the homework they
weren't really practice the skills and
then you'll find recovery is just not
going to happen it will not happen
unless they decide actually I want this
for me now someone with borderline might
initially get pushed into therapy and
reluctantly go long but then think you
know actually this is my chance to
change my life around I'm going to give
it my all and then they have fantastic
chance of recovery recovery I say it so
many times it is a process everyone is
different like mentally how we absorb
information some people can absorb loads
of information really quickly others it
takes a longer time that doesn't mean
they're not all going to get to the end
goal on to the same point it's just it
is different depending how much the
person with borderline comes home and
practices their skills does their
homework engages in therapy and when I
say engages I mean it really opens up
and tries to get as much out of their
session with their therapist as they can
as much as they can out of group therapy
and but like I said everyone is
different and the thing with therapy
there is a lot of information to take in
it is a lot of information to absorb so
they someone with borderline cannot just
expect to go along to one session and
have all that information bombarded at
them and to go home and think pop just
put it all into practice now easy piece
of cake because it's not it's not um and
sometimes it will feel like you might be
doing it for weeks and weeks and weeks
and nothing is going in but ah it is it
is going in you might feel like it's not
I used to feel like it wasn't nothing
like I'm not just going to get this I
just can't get this and in for me it was
very much it was months and months and
it was over six months and one day
there's slight little click I get that I
get that and that was just one part of
it and there are so many parts to
therapy so yet sometimes you will think
you're not getting anywhere sometimes
for the loved one I'm watching if I go
to therapy and come home sometimes it
will feel like there are no changes and
you are not seeing any changes sometimes
they're wrong really small changes
taking place internally in that person
but you're not gonna see it and the
thing is with therapy with recovery it
is very much to step forward and step
back two steps forward two steps back
two steps forward three steps back four
steps forward one step back da da da da
da and kind of as it goes on and on and
on what you find you're taking more
steps forward less steps back but if I
if I had taken two steps forward he get
him somewhere and then I took a step
back I had a blazing round with my
partner I smashed up the house ice cream
- out with I stormed out I got drunk I
used drugs da da da da and then I see my
partner and my partner said to me I
don't even know why you're bothering
therapy see it's getting you know when
there's no change you will always be
like that Rob Rivera is that going to
help me that is not going to help me
I actually set a little thing in my mind
thinking they're right I'm never going
to get better this is always going to
happen when actually what's happening is
normal you're not just going to keep
marching on ahead no steps back look at
me it's just not going to happen
part of the recovery is taking those
steps back and then we pick ourselves up
again and we can move forward what makes
sense computer not to shut down oh and
yeah it we take steps back i if I'd had
a partner also that was completely
kinder saying well what for you done
have you done your homework this week
for your therapy that would really pay
me off yes if talk to your partner
communication is huge talk to them about
how their therapy is going but there's
talking to them and really questioning
them like or what did you learn this
week what have you put into practice
this week because if I'd had those kind
of questions I would it would
immediately just get my back up and I'll
be like why you asked me that you think
I don't know how to do my own recovery
and I would get really defensive the
thing is the thing is with borderline
personality disorder we have really
really intense emotions and over the
years we have picked up our only four
coping mechanisms to help us cut out
cope in times of crisis now
unfortunately these weren't the best
coping mechanisms they might include an
eating disorder they might include
self-harm they might include using loads
of drugs
they might include drinking yourself so
much when you pass out but this is what
we've used to help us cope and we have
found it worked quite well initially
obviously it is not helpful and it does
lead us to a very dark place but these
are the things that when we're in a
crisis right drink those alcohol feel
great but it's your live but this is
what we do so we go into therapy and
they're offering us all these helpful
skills helpful coping skills so it'd be
easy for a partner to think we'll hang
on you've just been taught stuff on
Friday you were taught some new skills
on Friday why didn't you use one of them
why did you go and pick up some drugs
why did you do this why did you do that
but we although we've might have learned
in one Friday they are not ingrained in
us they are completely alien to us we do
we've never used them we don't know they
work if we have not practiced them and
practice them and practice them and use
them in times of crisis and all this
works
why on earth when we hit crisis are we
going to go actually I won't get drunk
today I'll try one of these new skills
because it just won't happen because
we're in crisis point and when we're in
crisis point we just do we react we like
and we will grab the like the easiest
coping skill that we can think of and
unfortunately they are all the horrid
horrid ones that we've learned over the
years to help us without BPD and help us
cope with our emotions so you've got to
kind of understand as a partner that
yeah they might have just been learning
these skills but these skills take a lot
of practice
and time to practice them before we
start using them so yes we might know
about them now are we going to use them
oh why not because we're in a crisis and
we're moving a crisis we will just pick
up and the unhelpful ones that are
ingrained that we know for us work it
was on night shift
so I'm he was working night shifts say
he's coming home and having a thing I
just don't want you to think it's me so
yes I say yeah like I said it takes time
but if you have literally been to hell
and back and you've been with this
person who you do love and now they're
going into therapy don't just give up
now that's not gonna help anyone if
you've come this far and now they have a
chance of getting well now's the time
for you to say okay I've dealt with it
this long it's just a bit longer we're
heading in the right direction at least
they are getting help now and in the
meantime I would say there would be
nothing wrong if you want it obviously
to look into getting counseling for
yourself and you might go I don't need
counseling it's not me don't need
counseling
Balak counseling I admit counseling but
actually always counseling just talking
talking to someone in a nice safe
environment letting it out and chances
are you don't talk to all your friends
is like it would be very one-sided
because they your friends will know you
they know your partner and they have
this input would that be all on your
side yeah yeah hey I don't know what you
thought I'll be that mate or whatever
whereas actually you can go and speak to
someone who doesn't know you isn't going
to judge and just let it out because
it's hard living with someone with
borderline I know how hard it is to for
someone to live with me I do I do know
that um and I'd say it's important that
you keep yourself emotionally strong as
well because living with borderline is
kind of like being on a relationship
rollercoaster and you do not know when
it's going to go like this when it's
going to slow and be okay and often it
seems okay like oh go like this again
and you're not going to come into
recovery and that roller coaster is just
going to stop it unfortunately carries
on a bit but but you are heading in the
right direction and if you've come this
far I would say make sure you're
emotionally strong talk to your partner
have that open communication and look
into counseling for yourself there's
nothing wrong with looking after your
own well-being and having someone who's
non-judgmental non-biased just to sit
and vent to and let everything out and
you'll transfer you'll come back and
feel a lot calmer yourself so I've
talked longer in this video than the
last one
blabbed load of old rubbish probably I
am going to gain now um and check it's
recorded actually I am going to move
bridging if it's not recorded
have a lovely weekend and I will be back
next week bye guys
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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