Today I discuss when we (those of us with BPD) decide we want to get back with an ex – what should we do and what should we not do?

hi my lovelies today I'm doing a video
request from no 200 hi it was requested
under my video how to go to BPD ex back
into your life and no 202 asked me about
someone with BPD guiding their ex back
into their life and I suppose it very
much depends on the reason you broke up
so if we broke up with someone because
of the borderline personality disorder
because of our behaviour someone has
left us because they cannot take our
behaviors anymore and we desperately
want them back I would say if you go
chasing them and say please let's give
it go what is going to change because if
we think we will persuade someone to
come back and they come back and we
don't make any changes and our behaviors
stay the same we're only gonna go
through that breakup all over again at
like today and be go through all the
pain again so if like it was the
borderline disordered like that was the
main cause of the break-up we need to 1
take responsibility and say ok I
understand how my behaviors impact this
relationship and let the partner know
say this is what I am doing I am
actively getting help I am doing therapy
I am reading self-help books but don't
just say it to get them fat actually do
it because recovery is a beautiful thing
and it will bring you joy and it will
bring you freedom but it's more just
freed us to take we have to put in the
work you know we can't deseo yeah I'm
recovered all done if only it was that
easy but it's not so do you think before
you go chasing someone and saying I want
you back I want you back what's going to
be different what is going to make the
relationship different this time around
now I also noticed in questions a couple
ladies had written stuff basically about
okay so just because we have BPD we are
in a relationship what about if that
partner is constantly blaming us and a
borderline personality disorder and our
behaviors but they are not willing to
take any responsibility for what went
wrong in the relationship because I knew
for a fact that just because we have
borderline it doesn't mean our partner
it does nothing wrong because they're
human as well and what I found from my
relationships is they know how to push
our buttons and they push our buttons on
purpose sometimes and then they can say
it's the borderline and make us seem
like we are the problem when actually no
yes our behaviors about but this person
is really not helping us so if you've
been in a relationship like that you
need to really question is it worth
going back into a relationship like that
because it's never ever going to work if
you're with someone who just triggers
you constantly maybe put you down pushes
your buttons and they won't take any
responsibility for it they're gonna put
it all on to you and make how it's all
your fault do you want to be in a
relationship like that like really you
might really really love that person but
that doesn't mean you should be back
with them because they've probably done
you a favor because now you can focus on
you you can focus on your recovery in
getting well rather than constantly
being made out to be the person who's
causing all the problems in the
relationship now I've had experience
with this I remember like my ex would do
something to like really irritate me and
I would snap and he'd say do you need
your meds increased ly and completely
put up me and
that used to like get so angry and I'd
like lose my like and you go you're
mental look at you your mentors I'm
stupid going frickin mental on the
staircase screaming down and now looking
bad look because I used to think like
it's not me it's not me it's not me but
then deep down I think maybe maybe is
maybe it is but now with hindsight I can
see it for what it was and actually yeah
I did lose my but he really really
pushed my buttons and he knew he was
pushing them he did it on purpose and he
could have dealt with it very
differently but as soon as it was found
out I have borderline that's it
everything was the BPD's fault and oh it
was always me he could never do anything
wrong it really always me basically and
it's really really frustrating and it
can really like eat away at our
self-esteem and make us just feel really
rubbish about ourselves it can make us
question our sanity think maybe we do
need our meds up if we're told
constantly that you're not sure not soon
us we will start to take that in even if
it's a subconscious level so have a look
at the relationship like if you're
thinking I want my ex back on expert
really force yourself force your
prefrontal cortex interaction force
yourself to rationally look at the
relationship what was good about
relationship what was bad about
relationship if the bad things are
things like what I've said they won't
take responsibility they blame you all
the time you're probably better just
leaving it be I know it's not nice and
you think I love them I want to be with
them but actually they're probably doing
you more harm than good if on the other
hand you think no there were loads of
good points about the
but my partner just couldn't handle my
BPD behaviors then you need to kind of
sit down and think okay so I'm going to
talk to them rationally and say look
this is what I will do but it's always
got to be two-sided as well you can't be
like I'll do this I'll do that I'll do
this because if they've left because the
VPD chances are they don't fully
understand the BPD because once a
partner really does understand it and
the person with BPD is trying to get
usually they can stay together they will
still have a bumpy ride but they'll stay
together because the partner understands
the disorder so I would definitely say
if they've left because they can't
handle it
chances are they don't fully understand
there and if the relationships gonna
work it is gonna take both of you I've
been asked about like couples counseling
before for people with BPD and I went
through couples counseling when I was in
height my BPD and it did me no good
literally I would not talk to my ex for
days after because I was too emotionally
sensitive to have him sit there and say
things about me to someone else and just
sit there and take care I would just
kick off and I didn't like it even if it
was constructive criticism I just wasn't
emotionally strong enough so I would say
like if you're thinking of what you'd
have counseling I would say rather than
do couples counseling
you should focus on your recovery maybe
your ex could go for counseling to help
him so he's got someone to talk about
but you're not there so you don't have
to hear what he's got to say so he's
gone out little she's gone out look to
talk about what they're going through
but I would personally say you should
focus on your recovery especially like
early on in recovery
relationships are like our biggest
downfall they're what caused us the most
problems and so if you've got the
opportunity to just hold off and nor be
in a relationship and literally 100%
focus on yourself then I definitely
recommend doing math and what else to
how do you get them back just talk me
rational they'll probably be really
shocked because we're not very rational
are we maybe write a letter I've written
letters to so many people it's
communicating isn't it being able to
communicate and show them that we
understand the reason we broke up and
talk to them out what we could do
differently and do that yeah I'm gonna
leave that there guys have a lovely week
and I love you all eight nah
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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