hi guys today I'm going to do a video
based on quite a few messages that I
have got recently from people and and I
have been replying individually but I
thought you know I should do a video on
this because this topic doesn't just
affect US border lines it doesn't just
affect addicts and alcoholics it doesn't
just affect anyone with mental health it
literally affects anyone and everyone
and most people have been through it at
some point in their life and that is a
breakup when someone leaves you an
annual left heartbroken devastated now
I've been there and where I've been left
completely heartbroken and I haven't
known what to do with myself I can't
think straight and if in those times the
way I would try and cope because I
literally couldn't bear the emotional
pain I was in I mean I remember times
the emotional pain was so bad I
literally felt it physically and I would
do the worst things to help me cope and
that was like extreme cases I would
attempt suicide
I would self-harm I would jump into
another relationship I word and drink
loads and loads of alcohol and use loads
and loads of drugs to try and mask and
the hurt and the pain that I was going
through and but obviously it was never
dealing with the underlying issue I was
just masking it when you do that it
doesn't go away it will still be there I
would say if you are in that situation
you kind of one have to let yourself
grieve and it's okay it's okay to cry
and sometimes you think I'm going to
start crying and I will never stop but
you will stop you will stuff eventually
I mean
I have cried for days and days before
and thinking I will never ever stop but
it does and there's something about just
letting it out that is is the word
therapeutic it's very healing I would
say and you can feel slightly better
after I'm not saying it would get rid of
the pain and because it won't
necessarily do that so if you have had a
partner who has left you and obviously
like I said this can affect anyone but
if you suffer with borderline
personality disorder or with your mental
health already you're feeling pretty bad
and all those bad feelings are just made
so much worse and often if we are
suffering with BPD with our mental
health we've kind of learned some really
unhealthy coping strategies like I just
mentioned the drinking using drugs the
self-harm eating disorder and sex
meeting are we someone new all those
things and I am here to tell you they do
not work they will make your situation
worse so if you're in this situation and
someone has left you I would HIGHLY
highly advise you to not think that you
can just get rid of these feelings by
drinking or using or getting in another
relationship these are all things to
avoid and you are very another you are
very vulnerable right now and you have
to give yourself time to heal Healing is
a process just like recovery is a
process it time time in itself is a
healer how long it takes I can't tell
you that
and
but just have faith that the way you're
feeling now is not going to be how
you're feeling in six months time in a
year's time when you go through just say
you have just had a partner leave you
and you are desperate you feel like your
world has come to an end there's no
point in going on you literally do not
know what to do with yourself and I
would say one don't do all those things
that I have just mentioned to get busy
when I was in rehab I have mentioned
this before in an old video the lady
that run it told us or something and it
has stuck with me to this day
and she said the mind is like a bad part
of town do not go there on your own and
it's now so true and it's at times like
this if you sit around thinking thinking
thinking it's going to get you into
trouble it's going to make you feel
worse because if you have BPD you know
we think with our emotional mind we will
not be rationalizing anything and we
will just think of the hurt and the pain
and anger and we will not know how to
cope so I would say get busy if you're
busy and actively doing things you're
less likely to be sat there with your
mind so what kind of things can you do
to get busy I would start planning your
days and I have done videos before on
routine and I think at times like this
is really good to kind of fill your days
with set of things it could include some
kind exercise it doesn't have to be
going to the gym or lifting weights it
could just be going for a walk and
sometimes just by
exorcising we release those endorphins
those feel-good chemicals and they can
kinda lift a spirits a bit if you're
feeling really really angry go for a run
if you've got punching bag in your
garden beat the punching bag it's kind
of letting out all that built up energy
that adrenaline and letting out in a
healthy way and you will feel better
afterwards and start seeing friends for
coffee
I mean grieving for a relationship is
very very important it's important to
talk about your feelings and if you have
a friend or a family member to do that
with great if not maybe a therapist and
just talk about the break-up because I
have perform not done that not let
myself by not um not grieved in any way
and I don't get any closure and I kind
of there's a part of me that holds on to
that relationship it's not like even
years later I want to be with the person
I just didn't get closure and something
isn't final there even though it's final
and it's a really horrible horrid
feeling and you can bring it into your
next relationship so I'd really suggest
talking letting out so kind of
socializing that's a good thing to
include in your day looking after
yourself eating well getting sleep again
I know this is a lot easier said than
done because when I've been heartbroken
before the last thing I want to do is
eat I just go off my food I don't want
to eat I can't sleep at night so I get
in really bad routines but again this is
not good for us this is not healthy this
is not healthy for our mind and so it's
kind of important that you sit down and
kind of plan your day planned set
mealtimes planned meeting friends plan
doing some health and fitness include
things like doing something for you
whether it's going to the cinema
and a girls night out or a boys night
out and the only thing I say this is
tried of weed the alcohol if you can
because while you're in this vulnerable
stage it is the last thing you need and
if it's say a girls night you could do a
pamper night in with the girls where you
put on face masks and you watch
something funny what's a funny film but
it's good to do stuff for you include
some kind of healthier recovery it can
be self-help reading some self-help
books there are books out there actually
on dealing with breakups you might find
them helpful you might not you might
like a different kind of self-help you
might like to start learning a bit about
spirituality but give yourself new
things that you can focus on because
these again will keep your mind busy and
you're less likely to start thinking
about the relationship and another thing
to consider is sometimes these breakups
are a blessing in disguise we don't see
it to start with I remember being
devastated over some breakups and now I
look back and I'm not he did me a
massive favour and because it really was
not a healthy relationship and yet I was
desperately trying to cling onto it and
I suppose that's the fear of abandonment
coming in and where I just don't want to
be abandoned even if the person that's
abandoning me isn't necessarily that
good for me and try and not listen to
songs that you listen to together what
films or TV that you watch together
because this is likely to make you feel
sadder at your loss and get you thinking
and reminiscing about it and you don't
want to be doing this
and you don't want them to be your focus
now if you are someone with borderline
personality disorder and your partner
has left you and you're thinking my life
is over
it's all my fault Muddy Buddy well you
know the usual things that go through
our head try and take this opportunity
to say okay so my partner has left me
there's nothing I can do about it but I
can help myself and throw yourself into
your recovery because although recovery
recovery is possible for anyone but if
you have less outside influences that
are likely to disturb your recovery
anyway the better
and when I say outside influences I'm
kind of talking about relationships
because they tend to give us the biggest
problems so our recovery can be going
really well we have a row and all of a
sudden just I hit crisis point I explode
and it all just turns to mush basically
um or I'm so loved up with my partner
that I have no time for my recovery
because I would much rather sit on sofa
and watch a film with them rather than
just practice my skills because if
you've kind of got the two choices
practice my skills or sit with my
partner and most of us would refuse to
sit with our partner because we're
thinking short-term this will make us
feel good now practice our skills not so
much that's not gonna make me feel good
now it's going to be a bit of a pain in
the backside but what we need to do is
think long-term
if we practice these skills instead of
sitting on the sofa with our partner and
we practice these skills long term we
are going to be a lot happier our
relationships are going to be more
stable our relationships are going
more healthy and we will be happier so
if your partner has left you try and
think okay make a now focus on me and
focus on yourself because do you know
what you really deserve it and I said to
a lady the other day you kind of you owe
it to yourself you owe it to the future
you to have recovery and maybe this is
just the perfect time for you to give it
your all give it 100% and it's hard when
you're a mum and a part leaves you
because you have all those emotions but
you've still got to try and keep it
together for the kids and it's not
always possible sometimes we just want
to break down and cry and it does make
it harder in some ways because we want
to break down and we can but in other
ways it's good because they can be a
distraction and we can just focus on
making sure they're okay get through the
day rather than our mind going off and
getting carried away with itself and
making us feel million times worse and
do not just jump into another
relationship I say that but I have done
that time and time again and it never
fixes me I always think it will fix me
but all I ever do because I have
borderline and a relationship breaks up
I fall to pieces for a few days then I
just move on with someone else and
forget that person all it does is my
behaviors just carry on in this
relationship so I'll have another
intense and unstable relationship then I
move on I have another intense and
unstable relationship and the vicious
cycle continues so if you have the
opportunity to say okay right I've got
to keep myself busy I'm going to focus
on me I'm gonna start looking after
myself I'm going to stop being kind to
myself and doing nice things for myself
and whether that's going shopping and
buying yourself a new outfit to make
yourself feel better I'm not talking
about completely fixing yourself and
buying a whole new wardrobe just little
things just to be kind to yourself for
now because you really do deserve it and
you do that and then you find time for
your recovery the next relationship you
will have will be completely different
you will have a healthy happy loving
relationship and if by some chance that
relationship doesn't work because you
focused on your recovery now if
something happens in that relationship
you are going to have the skills you
need to deal with it and cope with it in
a healthy way you will not feel like you
felt this time because you would have
built yourself up you will be stronger
because we never know what the future
holds for us and I do I'm such a
believer of if it's meant to be it will
be and I've heard stories about people
that were together as teens and then
they have a big falling out and they're
both off and marry someone else and they
meet up again in their 40s or 50s and
they get married and they're together
for years and that kind of for me it's
like yes that was meant to be that
relationship
meant to be it wasn't meant to be then
they needed to experience their own
experiences but it was meant to be and I
still think that and that's not so is
not to say that you and your pilot's
left you aren't meant to be together if
you are just you will be no matter what
you will be if you're meant to be
together you will be but in the meantime
work on yourself so if that relationship
does happen to start up again it will be
different this time round because you
will not bring all those old behaviors
that you have and obviously want to say
this I'm talking about people with BPD
because other people that don't have
mental health issues maybe they don't
have all these behaviors that we have
but they can still use these skills not
necessarily focusing on recovery but
reading self-help books getting
spiritual get back to nature wherever it
is you want to do I just have little
change in yourself and feel good about
yourself
and building out your self esteem as
well you need to do that when someone
leaves us we do not feel good about
ourselves it kinder for us it's we have
that fear of abandonment it's like yes
II knew that was going to happen I'm
going to need that there today my leg
leads but I hope that helped some of you
in some way and I'll be back in a week