hi guys happy Friday and this is a quick
video I've done another video today
which is over 20 minutes I'm sorry it's
so long and there was a lot to say today
I'm also gonna do a video from Nathan hi
Nathan and they can ask me about like my
past when I used to drink all the time I
was using drugs everything was so crazy
and now how do I deal with encountering
those people the people that I used to
hang around with back then during those
times and I suppose I can't answer it a
hundred percent and I'll explain why I
moved two hours away and away from
everyone
really and I don't see most of those
people I have a handful of friends that
have stayed in contact with me that were
kind of really there with me through the
tough times and I see them and because
they were there and they always
supported me no matter what I never felt
judged so when I see them it's wonderful
they they are people that I can now I
can be myself around I can talk about
the old times and they are just as much
there for me now as when things were
really really bad obviously there's my
family that have been there for me but
I'm kind of talk him out all the friends
I'll see down the path dead uh it's
really strange actually because there
was one friend who she was actually a
bridesmaid at my wedding we've been
close we met in our teens and we were
really close and then we kinda didn't
see each other and then we kind of remit
and it worked out that my ex and her
partner were friends and
like Oh wonderful and I came into
recovery and she just didn't ever
contact me but I went through the
break-up so I don't know if it was
awkward for her because obviously her
partner and my ex are friends and my ex
said very much he was on his side so I
didn't reach out to her but I was
thinking about the other day like maybe
I should just send her a message because
we were really close and we had a really
good friendship and do I just want to
let some good friendships go because but
then at the same time I think maybe she
wouldn't even know who I am now because
I'm so different and I
I wouldn't like if I saw an old friend I
wouldn't start acting how I used to be
because that's not who I am now and
actually that seems pretty like that
that person almost seems like a stranger
to me like my old self seems like a
stranger to me because I was so
different
hi I am I wish I had some videos like to
show you I mean I had a dream the other
night and I dreamt I was in the bank and
there was like some money on the floor
not a lot it was like a fiver or
something and this in my dream and some
girl picked it up and I went oh that's
my fiver and she was like so put in her
pocket and in my dream I reacted how I
would have reacted back then I was that
unjust like read up and went for her and
[Music]
yeah like that's not how I would go on
now I'm just i I'm I don't need drama in
my life I don't try and attract drama in
my life anymore and but yeah I do think
about like some of the people because
like I said that friend she was a really
good friend and it just seems really sad
that we kind of just grew apart and we I
can say all she didn't contact me but
then I never contacted her either and I
was yeah yes it was yesterday and I was
like maybe I should send her like a
message on Facebook but I had that like
fear of rejection what if she doesn't
get back to me what she's like look if
that was years ago we had friends no
more how would I deal with that I I
think I'd be really hurt and so for that
reason I didn't message yesterday and I
thought about it again today like maybe
I should send her a message
but it's that worried like of rejection
and even now or like I'm comfortable in
myself I can be myself I don't have to
wear a mask but yeah even I can still
have that not to an extent that it like
destroys my relationships anymore but
certainly to an extent where it's kind
of stopping me reaching out to someone
who was a really good friend and I often
think because I used to always drink
down like the same kind of pop and it
was all the same people in there and
sometimes I think I'd love just to go
back and say hi to people but then I
think maybe I've changed too much and I
just wouldn't fit in there now but I
would I would like eventually to go back
and see people but yeah there's it's a
strange one it's a strange one I'm not
planning anything at the moment because
I have no time at the moment would I be
embarrassed seeing people probably not
because yes I acted like a complete
India a lot of the time back then and I
made a complete show of myself
pretty much daily bar
I very much accept actually that's not
who I am that was because I had
borderline personality disorder I
suffered with drug addiction and so I
behaved in this way but it's not it's
not me that's not who I am so I'm not
gonna be embarrassed yeah I did
embarrassing things but I am not so
ashamed I can like hold up my hand say
yeah I did that and if I did that and I
think part that's because my self-esteem
is built up it was never built up then I
looked back and I realize actually I
really wasn't well at all but now I am
and it's like if you took someone who
had some kind of physical illness that
made them be a certain way and then they
got well would we look back and go oh
look how you used fear we wouldn't so
why is it any different for us because
we have a medical disorder an awful
disorder that makes us behave in a way
that we wouldn't usually behave if we
did not have this disorder itself it's
our thoughts and our feelings they drive
our behaviors and so yeah so yeah I
couldn't completely answer that for the
simple fact that I haven't yet gone back
I'm seeing people like like I do see my
some of my friends my lovely friend Kat
came down and visited me I got in
contact with one of my friends we'd
never really stopped contact we met like
liked each other's pictures but it
didn't go much further than that so why
I sent her a message and that was really
nice and but yeah I suppose I've got a
long way to go I still the day I go back
I see people I will come and do it for
do on it and tell you whether I got
rejected or not and if I did how painful
it was for me or how I dealt with it and
actually learn just to accept that not
everyone's gonna be nice or like me and
not my fault because those people that
hung around back then they knew the old
me and I'm someone different so it's
like two different people so just
because we got on then it doesn't mean
they would get on with me now
okay I've off hold on for a minute so
I'm gonna go I love you all
loads ma bye guys