hi my lovelies welcome back to my
channel if you're new
don't forget to hit the subscribe button
and the little bell
so you get notified when i put out new
videos
uh i did upload a video earlier today
that was on parent parenting
a teenager with bpd uh
i did say at the end of that video i was
going to do another one and that's this
one and this is going to be on intrusive
thoughts
which is really kind of
relevant to me today and so
i'm going to talk to you about what my
thoughts were
i'm doing about them how damaging
intrusive thoughts can be
if we don't get them under control
and i am going to use my current
situation
to kind of explain that please excuse
the hair
um my thoughts have been
racing literally all day i've actually
taken a valium
uh i was given them what a month ago i
think
uh i wasn't given like loads but i don't
i very rarely had them i had to
be on them for two days because i was so
anxious i could not like function i was
pacing the house
and it was really bad but i haven't had
any sense but today i was just like i
was so on edge
i couldn't seem to shut my mind up and i
was just like
i have a tablet just to calm me a little
bit
uh so
it all started when i woke up
i i had a dream last night uh
of my ex darren
um and in the dream
it was like it was in a place i'd never
been it was like we were on holiday or
something
and we were like
we had the kids there and
[Music]
i was like laughing and walking around
this swimming pool and he was in the
swimming pool
and then he was like throw the children
in so i was throwing them in
he was catching them and throwing them
in the air and it was like everything
was just
really happy and really normal
[Music]
and i woke up and you know when you feel
like a dream
it's so real and then you just wake up
and it's like
whoa like it was just weird
and it got me going over everything
again
and i feel like this month i've come on
so far
but it's really strange actually because
i look i was reading some old messages
to my friend
kat and on the like
third of october i was still saying
i don't know how i'm gonna get over him
i he
he was the man i loved why didn't i tell
him sooner
i'm such a fool um
but i mean she talked sense she was like
you're gonna feel this you're gonna move
on you're gonna meet someone
and she talked sense to me and empowered
me
and it's good so that was good um
and i have come on so far uh
but my thoughts today you know when you
just go over something and no matter
what you've kind of been through and how
much pain you've been through
you then look back and you remember all
the really happy times
uh and all the good stuff uh
and i know that's not healthy for me so
then i was like trying to remember the
bad times but then i keep going back to
the good times and it's very easy
to hold on to those good times um
even though everything that's happened
happened
and i was kind of thinking about it now
like why is it taken me
so long like i mean we broke up nearly
two years ago
why can't i move on uh and and i've said
to my friends
and i i don't know if i said to him i
always felt like
he was like my soul mate and
so when this has all happened this
summer it was just like
oh um but i started looking into it
and i well actually
actually um there was this libra tarot
reading and it was just like so
bang on um and in it
it said um like there's
an x you've got no communication this
person has cut contact with you oh my
god
and they're like you are struggling to
move on from this
um and i see a twin flame and also
twin flame so i looked it up and they
said like a twin flame you come into
this like
together there's only two and in the
beginning
you have this like intensely passionate
relationship
but the relationship has so many ups and
downs
and actually the whole point of your
souls and the reason you are twin flames
is to teach one another
and learn lessons from one another and
that's
why there's ups and downs and um
it had stages of twin flames and it was
like in the beginning this then you can
have up and down then it says and
then one will really hurt the other
and you'll go you'll go away
um it did say like later on you come
back together
um i don't see that happening
uh i
here's the thing like i've always said
it i've said it to everyone
i've never gone back to an x never have
once it's over it's over um as much as
and i'm gonna get into this in a minute
he he i believe
truly believed i was seeing my
ex-husband i think he
really truly believed that um
actually the last time i slept with my
ex-husband i was married to my
ex-husband
it was i worked out february march
2013 um
before i went to rehab and then through
rehab and counseling that's when i came
to the decision i wanted to end the
marriage
and that was it i've never gone back to
an x
uh with darren it was different
he was the first one and i said to him
in the beginning i've never done this
i've never done this
he was the first one and the only one
i just do i don't if a relationship ends
for me it's just done
um yeah i can be a friend especially
like with my ex-husband
we've got two children together so i
will go out my way
to be as amicable and get on
because we have children together and i
think it's just really good for the kids
because
my mum and dad were the opposite they
hated each other
and as a child i remember used to
thinking i will never
ever do this to my children
and so i really kind of make that effort
um but yeah
with darren it was different i kept
going back
i couldn't move on i couldn't date i
couldn't i
just felt stuck and i said that
uh and and then
i i was like listening to that tarot
reading it was like
this is like twin flame energy
um and they said like in the future at
the end of the day you
always have a choice so you could feel
pulled back but actually you've got a
choice and you might decide
no um
and
[Music]
i don't know like obviously i couldn't
i've been hurt
so badly i'm just kind of like
so these are all my thoughts today
non-stop non-stop going back and forth
questioning everything um
thinking to myself like
why didn't he just have this
conversation with me he had kind of had
a conversation
and i'm sure he said oh have you slept
and i said no like no
but um obviously that wasn't enough and
that's fine because that was his stuff
um but it's literally
done my head in today uh the good thing
the tarot
the temporary reader and she like this
this
woman every time i do it
it's not star girl either it's another
one um
she is freakily accurate like i showed
my mom and
my mum went that is like it's your
personal reading it was
it said capricorn he's a capricorn
it was just so spot-on um
and this woman's always been really spot
on
so she then said she said i
see you having a choice she said
i see someone coming into your life
and you're very hesitant about it but
this person's professional
they um like they're very independent
but it will be the first time again you
will
get that passion with this new person
but you have to be able to let go of the
past
first and then if this happens
this this person i'm seeing as a soul
mate
someone you will settle down with you
will marry
and you will just have a completely
like wonderful relationship you won't
have the ups and downs
because you're working yourself on
yourself spiritually
um in in the oh in the tarot readings
as well she said um
with um when you've got a twin flame
one will be further along spiritually
and one won't they won't be really into
it they don't kind of believe it
and this person
who's not so much will really hurt
you but you this this is like
you came into this life for this to
happen because this
is what's going to boost you spiritually
and help you grow
and that what that really kind of
resonated with me
because from all this i
have really thrown myself
into the spirituality i do feel like i'm
growing spiritually
i feel like a completely different
person to the person i was
like this only three four months ago
um i feel completely different so
yeah but that kind of explained i i
realize
why it's been so
tough just to move on
and i've been doing really really well
and then i have a
bloody dream and it just really threw me
um
but i suppose that's all part of it
isn't it um
but it just hasn't helped that i just
haven't been able
to shut my mind up but then i haven't
been able to do meditation the kids are
on their half
term i wasn't able to do my exercise
um i had to go and do the drive
i see i started refusing i said to my
ex-husband i'm not doing this live
anymore because i was just sick of it
and i was like
um but then he was like okay i respect
you your
time is precious i get it i would rather
pay you
to do the drive so we came to that
agreement and that suits me because um
yeah my time is important um but that
bit
little bit of extra money will help and
i put that straight into the car
um anyway i digress
so doing the drive my thoughts were just
non-stop uh i had i collected
my boy keon um
we drove listening to music me singing
uh trying to relate to songs you know
listening to songs uh
we did number plate games as well and
actually when we were doing the number
plate games
i was okay i wasn't thinking but then i
got back to my mom's and my mum was out
playing with
all the kids in the garden uh
[Music]
and i just haven't felt like i've been
able to distract
like i would like to be able to distract
uh and it's been really difficult
now the thing is with intrusive thoughts
the more you think them the more they
start to grow in your head
unless you question
them and start going no this is just
your brain
um talking rubbish uh i remember when we
were in treatment
and i've told you this before but for
those who haven't had
the woman that um like owned ran the
rehab center she said um think of your
mind
as a bad part of town do not go there on
your own
uh and i completely get that now
um so then
my thinking started then going
back to my ex and thinking i
think he so here's the thing i've heard
from someone that actually he's told
someone else that
i was sleeping with my ex-husband
um for him to have said that i really do
think he really believed that
um
so then i thought for him to have
believed that he
that's something he has built up in his
head he's gone over it and over it
and he has had intrusive thoughts
um they've built to the point
that he's convinced himself this is true
he's then gone and told people this is
what she's done
so if i went to my friends
and i said he's doing this he's doing
that
they would react to that and they'd be
like
don't put up with that like you can't be
treated like that of course they would
because that's what the information
they're being given
they don't know the full picture they're
just hearing what they've been told
so i don't blame anyone for thinking
anything else because they don't know me
they haven't spoken to me no one's
spoken to me
it's been they've been told something as
a fact
so they're gonna take it as a fact and
advise him but this
is where i thought about it today and
thought this is how
dangerous these intrusive thoughts can
be
so he's convinced himself of something
because of
that it has led to certain things
to the point he has cut contact
with all of us um prior to this
he was around regularly uh myself and
him would get a takeaway
and sit and watch a film together and
have a giggle he would come in sit and
we'll
sit in the kitchen and have a cup of tea
uh he could see the kids all the time i
like there
wasn't restrictions he would say can i
stay over
that was fine and so we had like a
really
good relationship we weren't together
like i explained
i i couldn't commit i i didn't realize
how low i was
i was so low that like
this is the thing as well i think
you you thought i was sleeping around
i was probably sat on my kitchen floor
crying
so depressed that's what i was doing um
but it's gone from everything being okay
to someone having these thoughts and
convincing themselves of something that
has completely just been picked out
in air as rubbish
don't get me wrong i told you my
ex-husband has stayed
he stayed on the sofa with his son i
went i'd go straight up to bed
it wasn't like we'd just be sat even
chatting and giggling it
wasn't like that
yes we are friends
and that's great for the kids but
but anyway so intrusive thoughts
they can have the power to cause serious
damage
um so darren doesn't see the children i
don't know if he
ever plans to uh because we're
completely in the dark
uh which is fine um it's
i know it's bad but it's kind of good
because every day i don't
hear anything i'm getting stronger
and this is really good for me
and so i wouldn't want contact because i
i've really got to work on myself now
and for the sake of the children
[Music]
but that's it that's it the whole the
whole family unit changed
uh
all because of intrusive thoughts that
i've got out of hand
and that's why it's so important
that we do something about it as soon as
those thoughts start going over and over
and over we do
something about them we don't just carry
on thinking them
we talk about the thoughts um
i think i wrote in my book uh we we
question it because this is what i used
to do i
i would get really jealous i was a
severely jealous person for years and
years and years
and i would think this person's cheating
on me
and i'd completely convince myself of
that
and any little bit of evidence
for example just say i was with a
partner
and the phone like their phone rang and
they left the room to answer it
i wouldn't think oh maybe it's a work or
or maybe it's
someone in recovery or it's just a
private conversation i'd immediately
think
i knew it i knew they were cheating on
me and i'd take that information and i'd
make it fact in my head
and it never it never ended well it
would always
end in arguments and me then
feeling like the victim like i had been
hurt
because we'd had an argument over what
they had done and
i didn't take responsibility for it and
so
i do i like today
my mind has been completely like
done in um
i have i did do some distraction
actually
so i i'm doing a second video that's
what i'm doing because i was like i'm
gonna talk about it
i'm gonna get this off my chest once
it's out
it's gone i can go to sleep tonight i've
talked about it with my
lovely subscribers thank you for
listening
uh and i've got it off my chest um
because it's niggling at me it's
absolutely just eaten away in my brain
today
um so
i did a second video i'd obviously plan
to do the first
but i did it even though my mind was all
over the place i made sure i said
because now i'm throwing myself into
work and i am going to do that
like i said bpd tribe is going to launch
hoping end of november it will
launch um
i'm going to be regular on my videos i'm
going to regularly live stream
i am going to start writing my second
book
uh i've literally got so much
on as well as having the four children
uh but obviously this week's a bit
hectic because they're home
but they're back at school
monday and uh
and then i have time in the day to get
stuff done
um
another way i distracted when i was at
my mum's house
i watched videos on the amber heard and
johnny depp
trial there's some good videos out there
so i was watching that
uh so i have been trying
but it's just been really really
difficult and it all started over a
bloody dream
a dream a dream that was it
[Music]
um
intrusive thoughts they can just lead to
such damage
our brains are dangerous our brains are
actually dangerous
uh tomorrow's another day
i'm going to make a point tomorrow
making sure i do a meditation in the
morning
even if it's just 10 minutes uh i'm
quite lucky
because me because she's 11 i can just
well in the morning they're great
because they'll sit and watch some telly
in the morning
uh or i'll just say to me me i'm just
shutting myself
in the snug and i'm just gonna do a
meditation
and so that'll be fine uh i will try and
do my exercise tomorrow as well
because i think if i let some of this
energy out
so it's finding all these like little
things that will help
i think i could have done so much more
i think if the kids were at school i'd
probably gone for a walk along the beach
but then walking along the beach would
have probably
just let my mind wander but then i could
have possibly
done a meditation on the beach
uh
is it raining what's that noise it is
it's starting to rain
again i miss the sun
i need a nice holiday
somewhere
i'm hoping next summer to take kids out
to arizona
i thought that'd be nice because i've
been there and i loved it
we went down to old tucson where all the
cowboy films were made
at the grand canyon i did vegas i
wouldn't take the kids to vegas though
but
yeah there's so many um what was the
other one
red rock red rock what's it called
i can't remember now but yeah there's
amazing places and i really really want
to do that
um i do miss the sun i love the winter
jumpers cozy fire on
um onesies
but i like the winter when it's like a
nice blue sky really like
crisp and cold but nice blue sky
i do not like rain
unless it's nice rain if the sky is blue
and it's raining that's okay
i just don't like it when it's gray
really gray
and it just looks really dark um
i think i will leave that there
do let me know guys if you have any more
questions regarding intrusive thoughts
please just send them my way i did see a
few of your video requests
at the end of the video earlier and i
will get those done as well i can't say
when i will be on it
[Music]
um
yeah so if you have any more thoughts do
you
have intrusive thoughts i know it is
part of bpd
and for me it's that's why i'm on
quetiapine
because of my intrusive thoughts
unfortunately
the quetiapine even though i'm on 300
milligrams now
today just didn't seem to make
any difference but in general it does
and i do
kind of feel like i've been through
like there's been big changes huge
changes uh like i said i do
think it was meant to happen and i've
said this before because i was just
stuck in a rut and i was depressed and i
was
down and i didn't care what i ate and i
had no balance in my life
and i just sit there i'll sit on my
phone
scrolling facebook till two three in the
morning
and just literally just scrolling and
scrolling until i got back to something
that i've seen before and it's like oh
refresh the page
go through and it was just because
my mind was just in a really dark place
but now i'm getting
i'm making sure i'm in bed earlier
uh i'm so i'm getting my sleep
i am watching what i'm eating uh
and i do feel like i'm growing
spiritually i really do
uh i feel like there's something out
there looking out for me right now
i really really do i do believe in karma
as well um i've always been a like
believer in karma and i see it i see it
again and again
um
so kind of like what's meant to be is
this was meant to be i was supposed to
go through this definitely for sure
uh because like i said i'm happier now
i know today in my head i'm not unhappy
today that's the thing i'm not
sad i'm i'm reflective tormented
by my thoughts but i'm not like i'm not
down
i i i still feel happy i've got that
drive
back where i'm i want to succeed i want
to
make something for my life i'm going to
make my channel grow
i'm going to get like the message about
bpd out to more people
i want to help people with that and i
this is what makes me happy and i've got
that i've got that
like that drive back that fire
uh it's back and i'm gonna do it and
it's given this just come at a perfect
time because
now i've got something to really focus
on like as well as the children
obviously uh
but yeah i i like
even the thought though like that um
reader was like i see someone they were
professional they're gonna come in
they will be your soul mate um
i still can't imagine what that would be
like uh because
i just i couldn't imagine
having like so like we were really
passionate that's the thing there was
this passion like
and
i just maybe i'm just not there yet i do
have hope now for the future and think
yeah like
the right person i'm sure will come
along
but i just can't imagine what that
person would be like at the moment
i've no clue like
i can't imagine having that passion i
can't at the moment
at the moment
obviously like when it happens it'd be
amazing
uh but i want to have really
set up bpd drive and da da da
oh my god i've talked for 30 minutes
guys i'm gonna love you and leave you
uh i'll be back on thursday or friday
i still haven't decided whether to do
monday
oh i can't remember what days but
there'll be two a week and i will
work out a guaranteed day for you so you
do know what days i'll up
um upload and i will
try and live stream once a week so
oh my live stream i said oh my god i was
like i look so
old um and i was like mimi
look how old i look she was like you
don't look
old mom it's really bad lighting you
just look really like
orangey grey i went thanks that made me
feel great
i'm not feeling good today um
but i am happy i am happy uh
and i've got drive so
guys i will love you and leave you thank
you for watching
another video of mine and i will
be back in the week i love you later