I spent years and years eaten up with jealousy and resentment. I never realised my jealousy goes all the way back to when I was a child. It is with hindsight that I can see where I was jealous and the reasons for my jealousy. Recovery has helped be let go of the negative feelings. Today I can be envious without being jealous.
Transcript:
hi guys today I'm going to talk about
jealousy but I'm not going to talk about
jealousy in relationships like when we
start getting jealous or our partner or
thinking they're going to cheat on us we
go stalking them because I've done those
videos so I don't need to do talk about
that today
but I'm going to talk about jealousy
with other people because I used to be
such a jealous person of everyone
absolutely everyone it was from a young
age but I didn't realize it was jealousy
when I was younger um my mom has a
younger brother and he is happily
married with three children they're all
adults now back when I was a child
obviously they were children too they're
all just a few years younger than me and
I don't know what it was I just always
had this resentment towards them my
cousins like I just didn't like them and
I didn't understand it and I used to
think oh they're just still has to hop
but as I've grown up I've realized it
was jealousy because my mum and dad got
divorced and my dad moved back to Dublin
in Ireland when I was about five or six
and my cousin's parents were happily
married and they still are happily
married today and we did not have much
money at all and but my aunt and uncle
had their own business they did quite
well they could go a nice holiday so
they had a nice big house and we didn't
have that my uncle was such a hands-on
dad he was so much fun when we used to
go round there would be playing tennis
cricket football badminton and we just
had the best time and although that was
wonderful it really highlighted to me
the fact that I didn't have my dad there
and now I've got very close relationship
with my mom I've got a close
relationship with my dad over there he
lives in Ireland but I know like since
becoming a mum I realized how hard is
because as a mum we run around doing
housework getting homework done sorting
out school uniforms and we just don't
stop and so my mom literally just didn't
have that time to be constantly outside
kicking a football around or doing this
she didn't have a partner and so it was
just her me and my brother but as a
child I didn't understand that it was
just like my uncle's got so much time
from his kids you don't have that time
for us but I didn't realize this was
what it was at the time I did not
realize this I just thought my cousins
were stuck-up and it wasn't till I was
an adult actually that my cousin's are
literally the sweetest nicest people
they have all grown into such I say
they've grown into such wonderful adults
as if to say they weren't wonderful
children because clearly they were but I
just could not see past my resentment
because I was jealous at their lives I
wanted that I thought it was unfair but
it took a long time for me to like
realize that it's how I was feeling I've
also got my dad on my dad's side he has
an older brother who has three children
as well but I never had jealousy with
them even though their mom and dad were
happily married and I still happily
married this day they also have their
own business and were very well-off
financially but I didn't have jealousy
towards those cousins and I understand
now because when I used to go out to
Island it was my dad that would take me
and my brother and my three cousins out
most the time so it was like I'm with my
dad and having fun with my dad so that
resentment towards my cousin
did not built but over here it was very
different now oh my cousins on both
sides there are just all wonderful
wonderful people and have they are
lovely but like I said I couldn't see
past the jealousy and so that was from a
very young age growing up my jealousy
grew like to other people and I was
doing my a-levels
I was drinking every day my friends
studying every day we got our results
through they passed I got really bad
results it's not a surprise but I didn't
see it like oh it was like they've
studied really hard it was I just had
this anger and jealousy like how did
they pass and I didn't where did I go
wrong why did I deserve not to do well
because I was drinking every day but I
didn't see that I was just jealous a lot
of those friends went off to university
I was eaten up with jealousy because I
was stuck down the pub drinking although
that was my choice I felt like it wasn't
I felt like life was unfair I hated it
when people around me had jobs when I
couldn't hold down a job I could be so
jealous of their job even though it's
not actually a job that I would want but
I was jealous of the fact that they
could get up in the morning and go to
work and come home and not be miserable
it's only now that I realised actually I
don't I don't know what goes on in other
people's heads and often I might have
been jealous of people thinking they had
the most wonderful lives when actually
they really didn't they were suffering
with their own demons but I didn't see
that because since I've come into
recovery people have said to me I have
no idea I thought you had it together
and I didn't but I was able to put on a
mask and act like life is great to
people even though it really wasn't I
was so eat enough inside and so
nice rapport but other people didn't
always see that side of me there the
thought at first glance I was okay and
so it's very likely that is the same the
other way around we can get jealous of
people and think they have got the most
wonderful happy life and that's not the
case
am ia jealous person today no but I can
be envious and there is a difference for
example just say there is a girl who has
a wonderful job she has loads of money
she can go out shopping with all the
clothes she wants jealousy I would just
think I hate her I want what she has I
wish she didn't have it envious is and I
can say wow I wish I have what she has
she's so lucky I'm happy for her and
that's the difference
jealousy we're not we're not happier too
often they have a person we want it and
we are not we do not want them to have
it and yes we can still want it but that
doesn't mean we want them to go without
it because we can be happy for them and
I think it's normal for us to be envious
of people but jealousy serves us no
purpose it eats us up inside and you
like can feel that horrid feeling in
your tummy and it goes over and over in
your head and you're having really
negative thoughts and not liking people
and feeling self pity towards our own
lives like I used to just feel so sorry
for myself and think everyone had it
better than me so how do you stop being
jealous
I found that when I came into recovery
for the borderline I start doing DBT I
had so much to focus on to start with I
didn't focus on it and there weren't
really many changes and that's why I say
to people if you're doing it literally
grab recovery with both hands and do not
let it go throw yourself into it and
focus on it 100% and if you're that
focused on your recovery and you're
learning new skills and you're building
a support network and you're reading up
information and you're practicing your
skills you won't have time to focus on
what other people have because you're so
busy focusing on yourself with recovery
we learn to build our self-esteem once
we start building that again we feel
better about ourselves when we feel
better about ourselves we're less
worried about other people and we're
less inclined to think negatively and
become jealous so I think it's really
important to focus on your recovery
focus on building your self-esteem the
jealousy doesn't go straightaway
it's not like like I always say recovery
and wake up and your recovery do you
don't wake up and think I'm not jealous
anymore I'm just in a few people it
doesn't happen like that but it will
gradually you'll start noticing or maybe
you won't start noticing maybe you'll
just be so focused on you you won't
notice at all but one day you'll think
that horrid feeling inside of thinking
everyone else has got it better and
wishing them ill and thinking that's
gone it just goes and it's free and it
feels good because like I said carrying
that jealousy and resentment and all
those horrid things around with you
constantly it's exhausting and we don't
have to do it yeah we definitely don't
have to do it
guys I hope you have a wonderful week it
is Monday today Monday
yes it's Monday today I am going to try
and get a few videos done today because
the older two grew up their dads and my
3 year old boys in nursery baby is
asleep so I'm gonna try and get some
videos Tom today yeah I'll leave it
there love you all
jealousy but I'm not going to talk about
jealousy in relationships like when we
start getting jealous or our partner or
thinking they're going to cheat on us we
go stalking them because I've done those
videos so I don't need to do talk about
that today
but I'm going to talk about jealousy
with other people because I used to be
such a jealous person of everyone
absolutely everyone it was from a young
age but I didn't realize it was jealousy
when I was younger um my mom has a
younger brother and he is happily
married with three children they're all
adults now back when I was a child
obviously they were children too they're
all just a few years younger than me and
I don't know what it was I just always
had this resentment towards them my
cousins like I just didn't like them and
I didn't understand it and I used to
think oh they're just still has to hop
but as I've grown up I've realized it
was jealousy because my mum and dad got
divorced and my dad moved back to Dublin
in Ireland when I was about five or six
and my cousin's parents were happily
married and they still are happily
married today and we did not have much
money at all and but my aunt and uncle
had their own business they did quite
well they could go a nice holiday so
they had a nice big house and we didn't
have that my uncle was such a hands-on
dad he was so much fun when we used to
go round there would be playing tennis
cricket football badminton and we just
had the best time and although that was
wonderful it really highlighted to me
the fact that I didn't have my dad there
and now I've got very close relationship
with my mom I've got a close
relationship with my dad over there he
lives in Ireland but I know like since
becoming a mum I realized how hard is
because as a mum we run around doing
housework getting homework done sorting
out school uniforms and we just don't
stop and so my mom literally just didn't
have that time to be constantly outside
kicking a football around or doing this
she didn't have a partner and so it was
just her me and my brother but as a
child I didn't understand that it was
just like my uncle's got so much time
from his kids you don't have that time
for us but I didn't realize this was
what it was at the time I did not
realize this I just thought my cousins
were stuck-up and it wasn't till I was
an adult actually that my cousin's are
literally the sweetest nicest people
they have all grown into such I say
they've grown into such wonderful adults
as if to say they weren't wonderful
children because clearly they were but I
just could not see past my resentment
because I was jealous at their lives I
wanted that I thought it was unfair but
it took a long time for me to like
realize that it's how I was feeling I've
also got my dad on my dad's side he has
an older brother who has three children
as well but I never had jealousy with
them even though their mom and dad were
happily married and I still happily
married this day they also have their
own business and were very well-off
financially but I didn't have jealousy
towards those cousins and I understand
now because when I used to go out to
Island it was my dad that would take me
and my brother and my three cousins out
most the time so it was like I'm with my
dad and having fun with my dad so that
resentment towards my cousin
did not built but over here it was very
different now oh my cousins on both
sides there are just all wonderful
wonderful people and have they are
lovely but like I said I couldn't see
past the jealousy and so that was from a
very young age growing up my jealousy
grew like to other people and I was
doing my a-levels
I was drinking every day my friends
studying every day we got our results
through they passed I got really bad
results it's not a surprise but I didn't
see it like oh it was like they've
studied really hard it was I just had
this anger and jealousy like how did
they pass and I didn't where did I go
wrong why did I deserve not to do well
because I was drinking every day but I
didn't see that I was just jealous a lot
of those friends went off to university
I was eaten up with jealousy because I
was stuck down the pub drinking although
that was my choice I felt like it wasn't
I felt like life was unfair I hated it
when people around me had jobs when I
couldn't hold down a job I could be so
jealous of their job even though it's
not actually a job that I would want but
I was jealous of the fact that they
could get up in the morning and go to
work and come home and not be miserable
it's only now that I realised actually I
don't I don't know what goes on in other
people's heads and often I might have
been jealous of people thinking they had
the most wonderful lives when actually
they really didn't they were suffering
with their own demons but I didn't see
that because since I've come into
recovery people have said to me I have
no idea I thought you had it together
and I didn't but I was able to put on a
mask and act like life is great to
people even though it really wasn't I
was so eat enough inside and so
nice rapport but other people didn't
always see that side of me there the
thought at first glance I was okay and
so it's very likely that is the same the
other way around we can get jealous of
people and think they have got the most
wonderful happy life and that's not the
case
am ia jealous person today no but I can
be envious and there is a difference for
example just say there is a girl who has
a wonderful job she has loads of money
she can go out shopping with all the
clothes she wants jealousy I would just
think I hate her I want what she has I
wish she didn't have it envious is and I
can say wow I wish I have what she has
she's so lucky I'm happy for her and
that's the difference
jealousy we're not we're not happier too
often they have a person we want it and
we are not we do not want them to have
it and yes we can still want it but that
doesn't mean we want them to go without
it because we can be happy for them and
I think it's normal for us to be envious
of people but jealousy serves us no
purpose it eats us up inside and you
like can feel that horrid feeling in
your tummy and it goes over and over in
your head and you're having really
negative thoughts and not liking people
and feeling self pity towards our own
lives like I used to just feel so sorry
for myself and think everyone had it
better than me so how do you stop being
jealous
I found that when I came into recovery
for the borderline I start doing DBT I
had so much to focus on to start with I
didn't focus on it and there weren't
really many changes and that's why I say
to people if you're doing it literally
grab recovery with both hands and do not
let it go throw yourself into it and
focus on it 100% and if you're that
focused on your recovery and you're
learning new skills and you're building
a support network and you're reading up
information and you're practicing your
skills you won't have time to focus on
what other people have because you're so
busy focusing on yourself with recovery
we learn to build our self-esteem once
we start building that again we feel
better about ourselves when we feel
better about ourselves we're less
worried about other people and we're
less inclined to think negatively and
become jealous so I think it's really
important to focus on your recovery
focus on building your self-esteem the
jealousy doesn't go straightaway
it's not like like I always say recovery
and wake up and your recovery do you
don't wake up and think I'm not jealous
anymore I'm just in a few people it
doesn't happen like that but it will
gradually you'll start noticing or maybe
you won't start noticing maybe you'll
just be so focused on you you won't
notice at all but one day you'll think
that horrid feeling inside of thinking
everyone else has got it better and
wishing them ill and thinking that's
gone it just goes and it's free and it
feels good because like I said carrying
that jealousy and resentment and all
those horrid things around with you
constantly it's exhausting and we don't
have to do it yeah we definitely don't
have to do it
guys I hope you have a wonderful week it
is Monday today Monday
yes it's Monday today I am going to try
and get a few videos done today because
the older two grew up their dads and my
3 year old boys in nursery baby is
asleep so I'm gonna try and get some
videos Tom today yeah I'll leave it
there love you all