Today I randomly chat about a few conversations I had with my friends xxx

hi my lovelies first of all excuse the
deep voice I've got that visible throat
at the moment I'm up in my bedroom again
it's Saturday so the kids the older two
are at their dads and the younger two
are downstairs watching from television
so I snuck upstairs to do a video I went
out with my friends on Thursday not
Thursday night I don't get to go out
nights especially not school night when
I got me up on Friday morning and but we
went out for lunch and you know when you
just go out with some friends and you've
laughs and you laugh so hard to your
tummy hurts and you would you just come
away buzzing from it like you have the
best time and that's what we did we
don't get out all the time we often set
like to get all of us together it's
quite difficult and that's the only four
of us made it but we literally had the
best time and we talked about everything
and it was well we talked about
everything that I was like oh my god I
have to do a video on that I have to do
a video on that because there was just
so many great topics that we talked
about jealousy was one getting like
getting older that was one I know I've
touched on that with you before about
painful it is toy boys was one I don't
never talk to a boy guys I've always
gotten up with metal or older and that
my friends don't have to avoid it this
is like nothing to do we're kind of
talking about past stuff and and I
thought I'm gonna do a video on this
because we can like laugh about law
stuff now because this in the past and
like once you've gone through a really
painful event and then you get through
it was like then you can see the funny
side looking back but at the time it's
so painful we talked about finished
benefits we talked about just just
friends so I'm being jealous or friends
and I was kind of like thinking back to
the times I used I could get
jealous over anything and the thing
that's jealousy like you physically feel
it don't you it's not just oh I think
I'm a bit jealous it's like that
someone's just punched you in the
stomach and taken all the wind out you
and you're like hungry cause it's it's
so painful for those of us with BVD who
have intense emotions anyway it's like
oh my it's just literally the worst
feeling in the world
and we know those of us with BPD have
thought of our brain that doesn't really
think of the consequences that much and
so we will often just react and now so
let me try and give an example okay I
mean I'm gonna I'm gonna this is
completely made-up okay yeah does the
only anyone thinks this happened to me
this didn't I've had things like like
where I felt like this but okay
just say just say I'm getting on a bit
which I am that's true okay but say okay
so I'm getting on a bit
I mean a nice young lad maybe like 15
years old
younger 20 I don't I had on out of my 37
so say 15 years yep and we have a bit of
fun and it's very good he makes me feel
young and but then we decide actually
we're just really good mates we just
good friends and we're just gonna hang
out and go cinema together we'll have
meals together there's now there's
nothing going on
no no sexual thing going on at the
moment we are just friends but then we
find out he he is texting another girl
his own age say so that's like then 15
years younger it's pretty devastating
that jealousy
what do you do when you're in that
situation you want to keep holding your
friend you love him as a friend you
but the jealousy kind of maybe says
maybe you think them more than just as a
friend but you don't want to ruin your
friendship because you've genuinely got
a really close bond but the problem I
think here is the bond that you think
you have or
I think I have with my young to avoid is
not the same as what he thinks he just
thinks we're friends again guys I swear
this is completely ray dolphin this is
why I'm laughing at me my friends really
laughed hard the other day we had anyway
so the bonds that I think like just say
if it was me it would I would think
there's more to it like yeah we get
honest friends but obviously there are
some feelings there for me to get
jealous because if I don't I don't think
if there I had if I had no feeling I
wouldn't care but I suppose the worst
thing it would be when he's messaging
someone his own own a just so actually
he does like young girls and I'm an old
bird that's how I would feel like the
aging process is really difficult
because like I said I say to my kids I'm
not up here I'm like 18 my buddy this is
a hundred and it's really hard but I was
thinking about it like I dropped my
older T to their dads today we're
driving down the motorway I was thinking
about like the aging process and also
like being a mom and having kids like
because when you're young and you have
no kids I suppose I used to feel sexier
but I love like I love my kids in my
world I absolutely adore them
but being a mom of four isn't sexy and
the yeah the aging the whole thing is
really hard like it's just really hard
of literally driving down the road
thinking about it even be able to like
back in the day obviously before my
even before the Devore before the
breakup before the divorce before the
marriage before if I wanted to go and
just meet someone I could just go out
and do it there was no toys it's not so
easy when there are children involved so
we were talking about that as well
because all my close friends were what
kids our kids are all best friends so so
we can all really relate to each other
again like I said this literally I said
I can swear this gene this isn't based
on any we were talking that we were
joking but it wasn't about one of us and
yeah it changes like it just changes so
what do you do okay so if to say you got
a toy boy but even it doesn't even have
to be a toy boy like you've got a
partner or someone that you're close
with a good friend who's might be
younger might be same age doesn't matter
but they like someone younger I think
that's the point I'm trying to get to
that is that this is the whole point of
this video it's when there's someone
younger all of a sudden even if they're
just three years younger you feel like
you're 110 and those of us with BPD
aren't necessarily like the most
confident anyway we've got we've got
issues and in the securities
and if you bring someone younger in it's
just well for me I know like I know like
I do even now like because I feel more
like a teen here but I'm not 18 anymore
guys I'm 37 years old I've started um
when people say how old are you I say I
may be 40 thats what i started saying
because i think i'm trying to accept
accept the aging process right now but
way if you like a mom and you have kids
and you're single like me that is me not
looking for you I'm not looking for
anyone though I've kissed one too many
frogs it just relationships just didn't
work for me really well maybe I don't
know will then ever my mum says my mom
says to me you will you'll meet someone
online no I just don't like my life's my
kids and doing my YouTube videos and
that's enough I feel like quite complete
but who knows my mum's adamant that
eventually I'll get to a point I will
want I don't need a man I don't need one
which is the difference because I always
thought I did really demand even if I
didn't necessarily want a man I'm just
chatting rubbish you guys so my mind has
literally been going over everything and
I was thinking like yeah like we're back
to the aging process
I am nolde del now I am I've told you
guys before like when I yeah when I was
18 and there were girls like 23 years
old and I used to think they were so old
ah like we can look back now if you're
getting older and you have kids and you
just like okay my fun days over that's
not the case but anyway we can look back
we can look at like these younger girls
and think oh my god I wish I was you I
wish I was young again but what we've
got to remember these young girls are
gonna be where we are at some point
thinking about other because that's the
whole cycle isn't it so they're gonna go
through they want to realize it and so
we're feeling like that about them now
but give it a few years they're gonna be
feeling about the next young generation
aging jealousy this is all stuff and we
did laugh about it but it's literally
like so if you're like you like someone
whether it's a friend or them or someone
you're seeing or someone you were seeing
and all of sudden you know they were
interested in someone else someone
younger it can literally feel like
you've been punched in the stomach
and I think part of that is because the
other person is younger because it makes
us feel older and it feeds our
insecurities if like like what was I
saying I'm saying okay so if you've got
a brand and you you're just friends but
all of sudden this friend likes younger
people and you get really jealous it
shows to me there must be some kind of
feeling there and what you need to do so
if I always to advise someone I would
say you need to sit down with your
friend and tell your friend exactly how
you feel if you might find they're like
oh my god I've got feelings for you too
and I want to be with you and then
that's amazing they might be like we
and if that's the case maybe it's time
you need to kind a distance yourself a
bit at least until your emotions aren't
so intense and it's not so fresh and you
can get your head round things because
if you just carry on as you are those
feelings are just gonna probably
intensify I probably went really off
subject here and I apologize for that
but this is an added video an extra
video so I did you know yesterday I did
oh yes yeah yesterday I did a video and
all that oh my face looks so shiny I got
a bit powder on it today but I'm this
morning my mum my little girl my 10 year
old Amelia she said mum just so you know
your face was shiny I'm what she was so
we showing me I said have you been
watching my videos like she went yeah my
friend watched them and told me it's why
she is funny my little girl so she's
obviously like she's at school and she
said to me the other day you know miss
such a thoughts on me suction such I was
like well headmistress and your deputy
head and she said yeah I just chat to
them all the time we're really close and
I mean you're really close with your
headmistress and your deputy should yeah
I think I'd call them my friends she
just cracks me up
say my lovelies I'm going to go down I
can hear the kids chatting down there
but this is an extra video I love you
all loads and I'll be back in a week mmm
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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