Why is Living Alone So Hard for those of us with BPD?

Transcript:
hi my lovelies I'm back in my chair I'm
not filming on my phone today because I
was actually filming a video for Trey
Jones his channel so I need to send that
to him later I got my tattoo for those
of you who follow me on Instagram
you will know I will show its
upside-down hang on it's going to be
like all the way around I've got lotty's
name obviously that's going to fade to
the same and I'm gonna get I'm gonna get
it done guys I'm gonna get done I'm
gonna get a sleeve and I'm still really
excited about it although it is a bit
tender today but I suppose that's
because it was like for four hours
having it done so it's bound to be set
what am i doing the video ah the lovely
Carrie hi Carrie
I say lovely Carrie Carrie always I
notice goes through people's comments
giving them advice and it's like really
nice because that's what I want for you
guys I want a community and that is what
I want to create with BPD tribe I have
to apologize and I keep getting asked
about it and if you go on BPD triumphs
calm it probably just says coming soon
coming soon coming soon but trust me
there is loads of work going on behind
the scenes to get it up ASAP for you and
it is looking amazing
it's my step that that is doing the hard
work I've got to kind of get the content
done for it but that's what I want to
create I want to create a community
where you guys can help each other
because I say like when I set up this
channel you have no idea how much you
lot helped me just being able to talk
about it and having people that relate
because for so long I didn't think
anyone else felt the way that I did I
just thought I was weird I suppose I say
yes and I always noticed Carrie always
does that say thank you Carrie Carrie
asked me about living alone like not
wanting to live alone
like even when you're a grown-up and so
today I'm gonna give you kind of my
opinion on this my thoughts of what I
think could be the reasons behind it and
some are to do with the traits of BPD
believe or not a fear of abandonment
for example feeling there people are
going to leave us and when we're on our
own we can kind of feel out of control
because if someone's right there we can
be people-pleasing or in their face of
clinging on to them or whatever so
they're like so we can kind of have some
control like please don't leave me
I might not actually say please don't
leave me but our behaviors kind of say
that so on our own and no one else is
around we can feel really lonely we can
feel really out of control the other
tray I suppose is the unstable mood
swings when we feeling like oh great
then everything's great and it's okay
but our mood can crash and when we're
feeling down there are some of us that
might be lying I want someone to give me
a cuddle I've got with me actually I'm
not cuddly person I think I can be quite
cold so I can kind of go the other way
the way I used to be if I first got in a
relationship
I'd be cuddly because I'd kind of think
that's what I had to do to make them
like me but once I was in that
relationship I I kinda like this space
and I'm not I cuddle my children I love
my children's pieces I will cuddle them
all day but in relationships not so much
and but hug my friends having said that
anyway so depending on our moods now
some people might find it when they're
down that they want people around them
or when there other people might find it
when they're up and feeling happy they
want people around them and when they're
feeling down they don't want anyone
around them but again depending on our
mood can depend on how we feel about
being on our own another tree is our
feeling like suspicious feeling out with
reality the Perrin we have kind of side
of it I don't let that get hold of me
because my mind could literally take me
to some really scary places where a
start kind of always seen things and
it's not I'm actually seeing things it's
like I'm almost imagining them and
they're so real that they're thinking
I'm hearing noises ghosts
I'm sure someone commented on my last
video that freaks me out so yeah I think
that kind of the paranoia thinking
kindly we're helpless our own that can
be quite scary but I suppose the huge
par like probably the biggest part I
think why we don't want to be alone is
that we actually we don't feel like
grown-ups we might be in a grown-up
funny and our age the amount of years
we've been on earth might be Korona but
we can still feel like a lost child now
I say this like she goes quite a lot
that for years I just felt like a child
I kind of felt like I was winging it
through life I didn't know how I was
getting through life and all I wanted
was like my mother to be there or
someone and so I would I would always be
like I need a relationship so I could be
with someone and it wasn't till actually
I came into recovery that's like I'm
finally at a place now where I feel
growing up I suppose
and then I laughed like I'm a child but
I I think I'm growing up now and I like
being independent I don't need anyone
around but it kind of took him a while
to get there I suppose another trait is
that our self-image
our self-image our self-esteem can be
quite low and we kind of want that
reassurance that people love us and we
want them telling us that they love us
and that they're there and if we need
them even if we don't need them we'd
like to know that they're there for us
and it's kind of out of sight out of
mind so if people aren't around us and
we get not there saying something
then it's very difficult for us to think
that they are there because they're out
of sight so they're out of our mind if
that makes sense
so I definitely think like I mean I know
I never ever thought I hoped for little
if alone there was one point up in my
life years ago I think I just had my
daughter and I was like but I was
suffering postnatal depression or
postpartum depression and I even then I
was like I just want to go and live
somewhere with my daughter and my mum
and that's it I just want me to be like
I needed my mom that's the thing and I
was like 26 at the time and so this is
like 10 years on and I I don't feel like
that I mean I love my mum I love my
family but I know they're there for me
I'm in a good place like emotionally I
feel independent I feel I hope they
think I'm going up so yeah I just made
something you might say well you're not
alone because you have the four children
and that is true but I always needed
someone like bigger or older than me
because I felt like a child
and I don't I don't need anyone now like
I'm good
life is good but like I said it took a
while to get to this place and it is
about building our self-esteem which can
help with our fear of abandonment
probably now it's a huge part there and
I used to be really embarrassed by that
just thinking like I'm just a child
trapped in an adult's body I almost
couldn't admit it
but that that is how I felt really
scared of everything and I suppose it's
like that fear is really really
consuming and so then I would just jump
into relationship because I needed
someone there because I could not be on
my own I'm gonna leave it there guys and
I will be back next week there's my
tattoo again I love you all loads
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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