hi today I want to do a video explaining
what it's like to live with borderline
personality disorder cuz obviously if
you've got borderline personality
disorder you know but for families and
for loved ones is really hard to try and
understand and it's kind of hard for us
to explain because the thing with
borderline it's so confusing it's so
it's like instability confusion chaos
and very often it's really hard for us
to even understand to try and explain it
but I am going to try and tell you like
what we go through on a day-to-day basis
now borderline personality borderline
personality disorder is a disability
it's a disability up here so people
forget they don't see it it's not like
I'm in a wheelchair and you can't see
that obviously my loved ones there's
times they know that I'm not quite right
but then there's other times when I can
be quite calm quite rational and even
they can forget about this disability
for me it's not so easy to forget
because I live with it I live with my
mind
um growing up I always knew I was a bit
different I knew that I reacted
differently to things that other people
did people did not react the same way
that I did and I didn't understand I
didn't know that actually my emotions so
much more intense not just intense but
very unstable so growing up throughout
my life it could be one
word one look and it could just set me
off and my loved ones would be like it's
only one word it was one up and they
didn't they didn't get it but for me it
was that that one thing it penetrate it
would go into my brain it'd be absorbed
by my mind and it'd go over and over and
over and it'd be made bigger and bigger
until literally I felt like I was being
eaten inside by eating away and it was
so painful and I couldn't cope and I'd
snap when I snapped
I would self-harm in front of my loved
ones I've laid down on the motorway
tried to throw myself off a bridge
throwing myself out car smash the house
up I've attacked my loved ones I've
drunk I've used drugs I've overdosed
it's when I snap that my loved ones
would realize that I wasn't quite right
they'd be reminded of that of their be
reminded of the disability and after I'd
snapped I would they would be it was the
calm after the storm
I'd just be tired I would feel so
drained
I'd feel embarrassed ashamed remorseful
but even that would pass relatively
quickly and all of a sudden I would put
that mask back on and I'd be thinking
rushed me again and I'll start having
hopes for the future and and to an
outsider they think I was so happy or as
normal my loved ones knew that it wasn't
that simple
so for like a few days after I've
snapped they would tread very carefully
like on eggshells around me
very careful what they'd say how they'd
look at me
but even then a week would go by and my
loved ones I think would forget about
this disability their thing
she must have snapped out of it she's
doing good it's over with and it's like
how it convinced them that I'm good and
I'm really happy and even I started to
convince myself and I would forget that
I've got this thing in my mind that can
destroy me and my loved ones would say
to me do you know what you can do
anything
aim for the stars you can do anything
and it would get me thinking and I'd be
feeling good and I think all my friends
went to uni my cousins went to
university why can't I do that and I'd
get myself so positive that I'd go and
I'd enroll on a college course and my
family would be delighted it's like
everything's going so well and and on
that first day I'd go in and I'd be so
excited going into college and just
feeling amazing wearing my mask
oblivious that I'm even wearing it I
think and I'd go into the classroom and
I'd start chatting with the other
students and I fit in no one there knew
about me none of them knew about my past
I'm normal I I'm getting so carried away
I'm chatting I'm so happy I'm laughing
with other students and I'm just getting
so involved that I didn't hear the
teacher start the lesson until I hear a
cough hmm and I look up and the teacher
says my name and says the lesson started
can you keep the noise down please it's
like that mask just slips
I can feel myself breathing faster my
hands are shaking I feel myself getting
so hot and I'm getting so angry because
I can see all these faces staring at me
and I don't know what's happening to me
but before I know it I'm flinging the
college desk and I'm shouting fuck off
and then I'm running I'm running down a
corridor I'm running down the street I'm
running all the way home I get home I
slam my bedroom door shut I pull out a
blade and I just start cutting when my
family find me they don't understand
what's happened she was doing so well
she was so happy earlier what happened
but I don't even understand myself I
have been called manipulative
I've been called crazy I've been called
high-maintenance
I've been called attention-seeking but
nothing I do is premeditated I don't
plan this I know I know as much as you
know when the mask is gonna slip I can
be so high and then so low and just and
when I'm high I've kind of got it at the
back of my head not knowing when when's
this gonna crush you know this is gonna
crash because it always does inevitably
it always does I've put my family
through so much I've hurt them so much
you know like I love my family so much
but I'm so scared I'm gonna lose them
that I pushed my way and I'm horrid to
them I feel so alone but I just want to
be left alone
I hate the devastation I caused and if I
was talking to my family I just tell
them I know you hate the way I act but
trust me I hate it as much as you do if
I could be normal I would before my
loved ones I am sorry for everything
that I've done because they never know
what to expect they always know there's
gonna be some drama some call in the
middle of the night where I mother at
police station or in the hospital and I
fill them with that constant worry but
my mom couldn't go on holiday for years
because she's just too scared to go away
without me and I hate that I've had this
effect on everyone around me like I'm
much better than I ever was because I
learned skills and I started putting
them into place and now I can manage it
and I don't self-harm today I don't have
my outburst today I still struggle with
the emotions at times but this so I can
regulate them so much more today looking
back if I could have said one thing to
my family I'd have said don't give up on
me just please don't give up on me
because I wanted to give up on me half
the time but I'm lucky because my family
didn't give up on me and and had today
and I'd given up on myself well maybe I
wouldn't be here today but I'm very
fortunate I hope I kindly explained it
okay if you've got any questions feel
free to message me bye guys
you