I often here from men saying their bpd wife/girlfriend has cheated on them and they don’t know what to do.

hi guys I hope you all had a great
weekend today I am going to talk about
cheating I get a lot of messages from
guys saying that their girlfriend or
their wife who has borderline
personality disorder
has cheated on them sometimes run away
with another guy sometime just keeps
repeatedly cheating on them and they
really don't know what to do because
they love their partner they know
they've got the partner has BPD but
they're really hurt because well who
wants to be cheated on it's the most
awful feeling in the world and so I
thought I would do a video basically
repeating what I messaged these guys
back because I'm kind of gonna do it
from their point of view as opposed to
the person with borderline I think I
have done one before about BPD and
cheating but yeah I thought it was quite
important because these poor guys sound
so desperate they just don't know what
to do there's cases where they've just
been left with the kids to get on with
things and they're really hurting inside
and what I would say because when they
say to me what should I do
it's it's a really tough one because one
every relationship is different too
I don't know these people I don't know
both sides of the story but I advised
them to the best of my ability obviously
I'm not doctor I'm not counselor I'm not
trained in this but as a decent human
being I'd like to think I am I can
advise them just with my opinion so I
tend to say well what do you
one do you want your partner back
because there might be cases where they
just don't I also point out to them that
I know it's hard but do not take it
personally if your partner has gone off
and cheated and they have the BPD
chances are they're really in a lot of
pain right now and they're acting out
this is possibly their way of fixing
themselves trying to make themselves
feel better because inside they're
really hurting so rather than just think
she's the worst I hate her kind of see
it not not see it from her point of view
but understand that this isn't fun for
her this is probably really really
painful and don't take it as an insult
to you personally so they're not saying
do you enable it do you enable the
cheating and what I mean by that is if
your partner is constantly cheating on
you and every time you just take them
back and you get back on with things
without actually resolving in the
underlying issues you're actually there
you're not giving them any consequences
so why wouldn't they cheat again I know
it's wrong but this is their way of
fixing themselves and if they're having
nothing so bad done but no consequences
for their actions two answers are
they're just gonna carry on doing it so
the thing is whether that they have
borderline personality disorder or not
cheating is wrong no one deserves to be
cheated on so if you are being cheated
on and your person partner has
borderline personality disorder yes
understand that trumps is are they're in
a really bad place but no you do not
have to put up with it because you
deserve that
- I would say yes there needs to be
consequences and the consequences that I
will my opinion remember I would say I
would say I want you back but you need
to do something to stop this happening
again I can't go on like this I deserve
better than this
and see if they have BPD and they're
willing to try and get help seek therapy
learn some new skills if they're going
to do all that then your relationship
has a good chance of working out um it
doesn't happen overnight and it's
something that you might have to support
them through but if you love them enough
and are willing to do that and they are
willing to seek help then I think you do
stand a good chance if your partner has
BPD and they do not want to seek help
they don't want therapy they don't want
to go on meds they don't want to see
their doctor you need to make a decision
because if they're not willing to help
themselves chances are this is going to
keep happening how much can you take
because you will get hurt unfortunately
I'm not saying if they get help you will
never get hurt
but at least then you know they're
trying and you can support them so yes I
would really count into the equation
whether or not they want helpful and
kind to make your decision from there
couples counseling now couples
counseling can be amazing it saves
relationships it can be great but if
your partner has BPD has just
got often cheated and you kind of just
go straight into couples counseling
chances are on its you're not going to
reap the benefits and whole thing with
BPD is our emotions are so intense so if
you sit down to a couples counseling
Tom saw it's going to bring up some
strong feelings this might actually push
your partner over the edge you might
find they kind of rebellion more because
I personally wouldn't say they all ready
for couples counseling I would say they
need to focus on the BPD side of things
once that is starting to be managed and
they have some skills in place and their
emotions are more regulated then go for
couples counseling and then then
hopefully you will reap the benefits and
you can work on rebuilding your
relationship I would say in the meantime
while your partner is getting help for
the borderline you don't just have to
kind of sit back and deal with
everything maybe you should look at
getting some kind of therapy yourself
because going through the things you go
through being cheap don dealing with a
partner with the UPD it is tough and
there's nothing wrong with you going
seeing a counselor and just talking
things through sometimes that's all it
takes you might just need a few sessions
where you can go get everything that
helped and you will feel so much better
because the thing is you have to remain
strong if you have children if you and
your partner are staying together and
you're going to work through it and
she's getting help you need to be strong
so I can hear babies feeling let's speed
this up you need to be strong and that
means taking time out for yourself
seeing your friends because it can very
often become very isolating where you
don't want to talk to people because you
don't want people to judge your partner
or to judge you and that's where if you
see a therapist
someone who's not going to judge you
who's not going to judge your partner
you can get an outside point of view
which you might find really really
helpful living with a partner of BPD
isn't easy obviously if you have been
cheated on it makes it so much harder
but that's not to say the relationship
will never ever work it just obviously
you need to rebuild you need to rebuild
what you want start and is possible but
you find the both gotta be in it
together you've both got to be on the
same page agreeing on the same things if
you're going and getting therapy and
doing your talking but they don't want
any help you're not on the same page and
it likely won't have the outcome that
you desire so I'm gonna leave that there
today guys cuz EB is screaming and I'm
going to go and get her now but take our
hope I covered everything like I said
look after yourself be kind to yourself
when you need time alone take care and
talk talking helps so much so don't
isolate either bye guys
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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