hi my lovelies today I am going to talk
about relationships and how different my
relationship now is to how my
relationships used to be basically going
right back to like my first boyfriend
when I was like 14 all my relationships
were intense unstable unhealthy I was
always a really jealous person and often
without reason like I would always think
people were cheating on me I would
follow them stalk them I would want to
go through their phone and if they said
no I would take that as proof that they
were cheating on me and I would go
absolutely nuts
and lose the plot completely I had such
rage in Ray and looking at now I see I
used to put boyfriends up on a pedestal
I thought they were so amazing I thought
it was love and they could do no wrong
but obviously they're human and
sometimes they'd do something wrong
sometimes they might not even do
something wrong I would just think they
had done something wrong and because
they were up on that pedestal they had a
long way to fall so they would fall hard
I would be so devastated I would that
all that hurt inside would just come out
a such rage I would be violent
I looked an X in the bedroom with me in
there and I stood on the bed and I was
literally like growling at them and
waiting to pounce to bite them or
whatever just not normal behavior and I
just couldn't control that anger I've
cut the crotch out the jeans they're
designer jeans before because I thought
they looked at someone else I could be
walking down the road and if I saw a
pretty girl
like you're looking at her you look at
and all of a sudden this anger would
come up and I just couldn't control it
and I would just go mad so I had a real
aggression and anger inside of me I
wanted any man that I was with to think
I was his world and they wouldn't look
at anyone else and I was there
everything and if I felt that I wasn't
that everything I would get that real
anger inside of me and I would just go
mad at them not just physically abusive
I would be verbally off me off I'd say
the most hurtful nasty nasty evil things
that you would possibly say to someone
especially someone you're supposed to
care about so I had that side to me in
relationships but I also had this really
needy needy I had to be have them with
me all the time wherever they wanted to
go I'd want to go if they're in the
house I'd be following them around the
house if they just wanted to go to shop
I'll come with you and I'll just sit in
the car and go for drives and I
literally would not want to leave their
side if they had a job and they had to
go to work I've built my phone
constantly like constantly they're
trying to do their work and I'd be on
the phone and if they didn't pick up
their phone go nuts because I would take
that but they're cheating on me and so
yeah so so needy
just as quickly as I could fall in love
with someone I could fall out of love
with them and all of a sudden hate them
but I couldn't bear the thought of being
on my own that terrified me I know with
borderline personality disorder we have
got a real fear of abandonment which is
weird because we often push people away
because we're scared they're going to
leave us and that's what I do and not
push someone away but no soon as I'd
come out one relationship I would jump
right into another relationship I was
not fussy with who I went out with not
fussy in the slightest really a lot of
my relationships were abusive both sides
I was abusive they were abusive they
didn't have any respect for me but then
I no respect for myself so I didn't care
and I'd put up with it and it didn't
bother me I was quite happy just going
out with a dealer who was now coholic
down the pub I just I just didn't care
as long about to be honest that probably
suited me better than someone that had
their life together and was gonna go out
and actually earn a living and go to
work someone that had their free time
was great for me because they could be
with me all the time
so yeah lie I just because you see I
didn't love myself I hated myself and I
didn't realize this at the time they
said only looking back now that I
realized just how much I hated myself
and so that's why I was constantly
looking for outside approval and for
people other people to love me when I
got in a relationship odd often push all
my friends away it wasn't I pushed them
away I just didn't bother with them
anymore because this person whoever it
happened to be that I was in love with
at the time they were my everything as
everyone else could just fuck off
basically and I just wouldn't bother
until this relationship went to shit
which always did and then I'd be like
I've got no one and I feel really alone
I'd be devastated I might have suicide
or my self harm until I jump straight
into another relationship and then
everything's great again and that cycle
would continue throughout my life just
unhealthy relationship after unhealthy
relationship me not respecting their me
not respecting myself they're not
respecting me me being needing me being
jealous
which is weird actually because with my
ex-husband he was the first person to
start with I was all those things but I
did build up trust there for the first
time and I kinda one day just thought
you know what this jealousy is just
gonna eat you alive it is doing you no
favors you have to let it go and I kinda
put it down and I was able to trust the
first time ever and I think that's why
at the end when I am rolled like two
years before ended actually I found out
that he had been secretly phoning my
friend behind my back and like for a
year all during my pregnancy everything
my world came crashing down because it
was the first person I trusted and that
trust was broken and I've never heard
like that in my entire life like that
was the worst time of my life and I
never did kind of get over that for a
long time and I think it changed me even
now I am a different person because of
that but one thing I haven't done just
because I went through that hurt and
that trust I haven't bought that into
this relationship which I could have
done because now I'm with my parent I
could think well I was right not to
trust before because the first time I
did trust it all blew up in my face but
I'm not willing to do that because I
realize that everyone's different my
partner's given me no reason not to
trust him so I slowly we have built that
trust together he trusts me I hope and I
trust him yeah and I haven't bought all
that her and everything which to start
with I think I possibly did but I
realized very soon that this wasn't
healthy and just because I've been
through this it doesn't mean every
single relationships going to be like
that and I was able to stop him which is
really really lucky because I don't
think I could live with that jealousy
because it just eats you alive inside it
has no there's like no benefits
from having that jealousy I think now a
lot I've built trust up yeah my partner
could cheat on me
of course he could but am I going to
spend all our relationship waiting for
that to happen when it might not happen
he might not ever cheat on me so it's
not gonna benefit either of us in the
end I'm just going to cause rounds I'm
going to push him away he will doubt his
trust in me if I'm gonna trust in him
and so it's about communication so my
relationship today is very different I
can go a whole day without needing to
phone my partner obviously I'll probably
do phone him maybe once in the day but I
don't have that I got a friend named
I've got a friend in what's he doing and
if I phone him and he doesn't answer I
don't freak out I think he must be busy
that's it um and I've just got really
really healthy well a healthy
relationship now I think it is down to
communication we talk if I've got
problem and he pees me off I tell him
when I pee him off he tells me and
that's really really helped we have
space we've got a separate life
something I never had before me and my
exes it was of just I felt like we were
just one person and now I'm not I am my
own person
also whereas before in relationships
like I had an ex say he liked to go with
blonde hair or something I would go and
dye my hair blonde it did not suit me
but I would do it because that's what I
thought they wanted me to be like
because I didn't like myself and I just
wanted them to like me constantly I
needed their approval and today I don't
I could put an outfit on my partner they
go what you wearing that's horrible and
I'm like well I like it
don't care I don't care I don't care
anymore because I don't need that pretty
of all because I'm comfortable in my own
skin today and like I said we've got our
separate lives
we've had to have our separate lives
because not only about like am i in
recovery from my mental health and
addiction but he's in recovery from
addiction so he does his meetings I've
got a slightly different recovery I
don't get to do the meetings anymore but
we realized that we need balance in our
life and asked just together constantly
is completely our life being unbalanced
so we do have our separate lives but
then when we come together it's so much
better and like I said I think we've got
a healthy strong relationship I've not
brought all the baggage from my other
relationships into this and I don't
think he has because we like we realize
we're different people this is no
relationship with different people than
we were that we used to be as well
and looking back I think maybe my
recovery would have been a lot easier
and smoother
had I been single but I always had to be
in a relationship so that didn't that
just wasn't possible for me so I had to
do it the hard way and I say the hard
way because with borderline personality
disorder and we've got all the traits
we've got fear of abandonment so we're
so scared someone's going to leave us
but then we end up pushing them away
anyway and the catastrophizing they're
thinking they're always cheating on us
the intense and unstable relationship
and it's these close relationships that
actually cause us probably more hurt
than anything and that sets us off with
all our negative coping mechanisms our
self harm our drinking are using whereas
if we took that out the equation and we
could just focus on ourselves it would
make recovery a lot easier because we
would have a lot less hurt to deal with
but that's always the case because all
that's not ways possible rather because
when you've got borderline personalities
sort of we want we want relationships
but at the same time we don't very
confusing but
but-but-but-but yeah my relationships
very different today so if you're kind
of going through what I went through and
that jealousy that's eating you up
inside and pushing people away and then
pulling them close and going from one
relationship to another just know it
doesn't mean that you're gonna push
everyone away and you're going to grow
old and be on your own because you will
go on to have healthy happy
relationships but you need to focus on
you and getting yourself well well
building your self-esteem learning to
love yourself because I think it was my
bad self-image that caused me just to go
be with anyone really I just didn't care
even if they didn't respect me I didn't
care I just had to have someone there
right once you learn to love yourself
and you learn to respect yourself you'll
be much more inclined to get with
someone that will show you proper love
and show you respect as well all right
my lovelies I'm gonna go but I'm lovely
talking to all bye