My previous relationships were always so unhealthy and unstable. I suffered severe jealousy, rage, neediness and always felt I needed to be with someone as I was too scared to be on my own. Luckily my relationship today is very different.
hi my lovelies today I am going to talk about relationships and how different my relationship now is to how my relationships used to be basically going right back to like my first boyfriend when I was like 14 all my relationships were intense unstable unhealthy I was always a really jealous person and often without reason like I would always think people were cheating on me I would follow them stalk them I would want to go through their phone and if they said no I would take that as proof that they were cheating on me and I would go absolutely nuts and lose the plot completely I had such rage in Ray and looking at now I see I used to put boyfriends up on a pedestal I thought they were so amazing I thought it was love and they could do no wrong but obviously they're human and sometimes they'd do something wrong sometimes they might not even do something wrong I would just think they had done something wrong and because they were up on that pedestal they had a long way to fall so they would fall hard I would be so devastated I would that all that hurt inside would just come out a such rage I would be violent I looked an X in the bedroom with me in there and I stood on the bed and I was literally like growling at them and waiting to pounce to bite them or whatever just not normal behavior and I just couldn't control that anger I've cut the crotch out the jeans they're designer jeans before because I thought they looked at someone else I could be walking down the road and if I saw a pretty girl like you're looking at her you look at and all of a sudden this anger would come up and I just couldn't control it and I would just go mad so I had a real aggression and anger inside of me I wanted any man that I was with to think I was his world and they wouldn't look at anyone else and I was there everything and if I felt that I wasn't that everything I would get that real anger inside of me and I would just go mad at them not just physically abusive I would be verbally off me off I'd say the most hurtful nasty nasty evil things that you would possibly say to someone especially someone you're supposed to care about so I had that side to me in relationships but I also had this really needy needy I had to be have them with me all the time wherever they wanted to go I'd want to go if they're in the house I'd be following them around the house if they just wanted to go to shop I'll come with you and I'll just sit in the car and go for drives and I literally would not want to leave their side if they had a job and they had to go to work I've built my phone constantly like constantly they're trying to do their work and I'd be on the phone and if they didn't pick up their phone go nuts because I would take that but they're cheating on me and so yeah so so needy just as quickly as I could fall in love with someone I could fall out of love with them and all of a sudden hate them but I couldn't bear the thought of being on my own that terrified me I know with borderline personality disorder we have got a real fear of abandonment which is weird because we often push people away because we're scared they're going to leave us and that's what I do and not push someone away but no soon as I'd come out one relationship I would jump right into another relationship I was not fussy with who I went out with not fussy in the slightest really a lot of my relationships were abusive both sides I was abusive they were abusive they didn't have any respect for me but then I no respect for myself so I didn't care and I'd put up with it and it didn't bother me I was quite happy just going out with a dealer who was now coholic down the pub I just I just didn't care as long about to be honest that probably suited me better than someone that had their life together and was gonna go out and actually earn a living and go to work someone that had their free time was great for me because they could be with me all the time so yeah lie I just because you see I didn't love myself I hated myself and I didn't realize this at the time they said only looking back now that I realized just how much I hated myself and so that's why I was constantly looking for outside approval and for people other people to love me when I got in a relationship odd often push all my friends away it wasn't I pushed them away I just didn't bother with them anymore because this person whoever it happened to be that I was in love with at the time they were my everything as everyone else could just fuck off basically and I just wouldn't bother until this relationship went to shit which always did and then I'd be like I've got no one and I feel really alone I'd be devastated I might have suicide or my self harm until I jump straight into another relationship and then everything's great again and that cycle would continue throughout my life just unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship me not respecting their me not respecting myself they're not respecting me me being needing me being jealous which is weird actually because with my ex-husband he was the first person to start with I was all those things but I did build up trust there for the first time and I kinda one day just thought you know what this jealousy is just gonna eat you alive it is doing you no favors you have to let it go and I kinda put it down and I was able to trust the first time ever and I think that's why at the end when I am rolled like two years before ended actually I found out that he had been secretly phoning my friend behind my back and like for a year all during my pregnancy everything my world came crashing down because it was the first person I trusted and that trust was broken and I've never heard like that in my entire life like that was the worst time of my life and I never did kind of get over that for a long time and I think it changed me even now I am a different person because of that but one thing I haven't done just because I went through that hurt and that trust I haven't bought that into this relationship which I could have done because now I'm with my parent I could think well I was right not to trust before because the first time I did trust it all blew up in my face but I'm not willing to do that because I realize that everyone's different my partner's given me no reason not to trust him so I slowly we have built that trust together he trusts me I hope and I trust him yeah and I haven't bought all that her and everything which to start with I think I possibly did but I realized very soon that this wasn't healthy and just because I've been through this it doesn't mean every single relationships going to be like that and I was able to stop him which is really really lucky because I don't think I could live with that jealousy because it just eats you alive inside it has no there's like no benefits from having that jealousy I think now a lot I've built trust up yeah my partner could cheat on me of course he could but am I going to spend all our relationship waiting for that to happen when it might not happen he might not ever cheat on me so it's not gonna benefit either of us in the end I'm just going to cause rounds I'm going to push him away he will doubt his trust in me if I'm gonna trust in him and so it's about communication so my relationship today is very different I can go a whole day without needing to phone my partner obviously I'll probably do phone him maybe once in the day but I don't have that I got a friend named I've got a friend in what's he doing and if I phone him and he doesn't answer I don't freak out I think he must be busy that's it um and I've just got really really healthy well a healthy relationship now I think it is down to communication we talk if I've got problem and he pees me off I tell him when I pee him off he tells me and that's really really helped we have space we've got a separate life something I never had before me and my exes it was of just I felt like we were just one person and now I'm not I am my own person also whereas before in relationships like I had an ex say he liked to go with blonde hair or something I would go and dye my hair blonde it did not suit me but I would do it because that's what I thought they wanted me to be like because I didn't like myself and I just wanted them to like me constantly I needed their approval and today I don't I could put an outfit on my partner they go what you wearing that's horrible and I'm like well I like it don't care I don't care I don't care anymore because I don't need that pretty of all because I'm comfortable in my own skin today and like I said we've got our separate lives we've had to have our separate lives because not only about like am i in recovery from my mental health and addiction but he's in recovery from addiction so he does his meetings I've got a slightly different recovery I don't get to do the meetings anymore but we realized that we need balance in our life and asked just together constantly is completely our life being unbalanced so we do have our separate lives but then when we come together it's so much better and like I said I think we've got a healthy strong relationship I've not brought all the baggage from my other relationships into this and I don't think he has because we like we realize we're different people this is no relationship with different people than we were that we used to be as well and looking back I think maybe my recovery would have been a lot easier and smoother had I been single but I always had to be in a relationship so that didn't that just wasn't possible for me so I had to do it the hard way and I say the hard way because with borderline personality disorder and we've got all the traits we've got fear of abandonment so we're so scared someone's going to leave us but then we end up pushing them away anyway and the catastrophizing they're thinking they're always cheating on us the intense and unstable relationship and it's these close relationships that actually cause us probably more hurt than anything and that sets us off with all our negative coping mechanisms our self harm our drinking are using whereas if we took that out the equation and we could just focus on ourselves it would make recovery a lot easier because we would have a lot less hurt to deal with but that's always the case because all that's not ways possible rather because when you've got borderline personalities sort of we want we want relationships but at the same time we don't very confusing but but-but-but-but yeah my relationships very different today so if you're kind of going through what I went through and that jealousy that's eating you up inside and pushing people away and then pulling them close and going from one relationship to another just know it doesn't mean that you're gonna push everyone away and you're going to grow old and be on your own because you will go on to have healthy happy relationships but you need to focus on you and getting yourself well well building your self-esteem learning to love yourself because I think it was my bad self-image that caused me just to go be with anyone really I just didn't care even if they didn't respect me I didn't care I just had to have someone there right once you learn to love yourself and you learn to respect yourself you'll be much more inclined to get with someone that will show you proper love and show you respect as well all right my lovelies I'm gonna go but I'm lovely talking to all bye
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