hi guys happy Wednesday today I'm doing
a video request from Demi our dimitrov
and Amira asked me
oh hi father we have to talk family
share my relationship with my ex I guess
it's my ex-husband and because he wants
to know he's got problems with his ex
and he wants to know if it'll ever calm
down so they compared the kids the way
they were when they were together um
right
so back in the beginning I met my
ex-husband when I was 21 and I chased
him he we were like best friends and
I've never laughed so hard with someone
and I just clicked and I said to him we
were at friends for any about two weeks
and I was like we're getting married I'm
gonna you're gonna marry me one day he
was like yeah right
but the relationship took off and from
the beginning it was intense and
unstable not surprisingly I have
borderline personality disorder but I
was undiagnosed at this point my
ex-husband had a really fiery temper he
was really quick to anger I must point
out he was never violent he just he
could get really angry not like just at
me just at anyone he could seem like the
calmest guy ever and then just flip so
we got together it was intense on the
Sables from the beginning we had massive
arguments very early on I got put on a
mental health ward and that's where I
was diagnosed with BPD now my ex-husband
used to come and visit every day and he
really was supportive and he really
tried to understand BPD but he never did
the thing is like i chat with you guys
now and i can talk all about BPD and i'm
really self-aware now but back then I
wasn't and I couldn't talk about BPD
like I do with you now because I didn't
understand it myself so the relationship
continued I was addicted to cocaine my
ex-husband did not like me using drugs
so to the point
went out and threatened all the drug
dealers in the area not to serve me up
or he would be so that made me getting
it really difficult that makes me angry
and caused me a whole heap of other
painful problems because what he didn't
realize is that I was using coke to make
myself feel better the cocaine for me
was my solution it was I suppose what
kept me alive because had I not had it
there I wouldn't have known what to do
with myself but anyway he hated it so
again that caused loads of problems when
he had a son who well he has a son my
stepson who is in his 20s now but he was
six when I met him and he came to live
with us from he was well 11 years old
and all of a sudden I had to kind of be
responsible and I didn't know how I
really tried I feel I tried my best I I
wanted to be a good role model looking
back I really wasn't we got married we
went I used up my wedding and we broke
up the next day we didn't get back
together until a few days before our
honeymoon and we went away on our
honeymoon
now I had insisted that his son actually
come with us because he was young and I
thought I didn't want him feeling pushed
out like all now they're married they've
gone off together and it was probably a
blessing in disguise because I couldn't
lose my shit like I would have if he
wasn't there so although I'm sure we
have plenty of Rosen Holliday they were
nowhere near as that bad as they could
have been and months after getting back
I found out I was pregnant with Amelia
and nine months later I had Amelia and
that year I kind of just threw myself
into being a mom I was cooking all
organic food our relationship was
seemingly to going okay considering as
the first year I mean it was tough
especially at them
first six months actually I stayed
upstairs in a bedroom and didn't leave
the bedroom because I suffered well I
suffered psychosis
I suffered severe depression but anyway
that's a whole nother story so I mean he
was born a year later I so media was one
I went into hospital had my appendix out
a month after that found I was pregnant
again and the relationship I thought our
relationship was really good looking
back I can see there were signs that it
wasn't so good and he was becoming more
distant we went away to Ireland when I
was I was pregnant it was in the
December myself my stepson
Amelia my ex-husband we were in Ireland
and on the way back when we arrived back
at Heathrow I used his phone because my
phone had no battery to call my mum say
we at the airport come and get us and I
used his phone and I saw that my
friend's number was and then they'd send
each other messages just like how has
the holiday and I thought that's weird
but I didn't say anything at that point
but that little seed that I've been
planted began to grow and I noticed that
whenever we went out my friend was there
and I used to go home quite early
because I had the baby he would stay out
my friend and I would question him and
he was like you're being ridiculous how
to think that and I thought maybe I am
being ridiculous I've got chill after we
call I can't let all this jealousy creep
up on me and I had Keon in the May two
months later now our relationship had
really gone downhill my ex was resentful
that I'd had month baby he wanted to go
out say he was going out I was screaming
and going mental because I was at home
now with two children and I felt I
couldn't cope and I can remember clearly
he hit my ex had a shower and I checked
his phone now this is something I
haven't I just didn't do my checked his
phone and I noticed there were calls
from my friend and I thought I'm not
saying anything just leave it maybe it's
in a sir
later on corel curiosity got the better
of me and I checked his phone again and
he had deleted all her calls but no
other calls and I said why have you
deleted her calls and he went We Need to
Talk
look we're really close we just chat as
a how often we chat miss days ah it was
the most painful time of my life I
physically felt as if someone had ripped
my heart out now they both saw nothing
sexual happened I actually believe them
but the fact that they had this
emotional connection where as I
questioned both of them and she actually
told me that he used to discuss any
problems in my relationship he discussed
that he didn't really want another baby
he it was too much pressure for him I
then found out that in the days after
the birth it was actually him that he
was going out to celebrate the birth of
my baby with while I was at home and I
just felt like my world had absolutely
crumbled
I turned to drink and drugs in a big way
to numb my pain I stayed friends with
her I stayed with him and I thought I
was dealing with it but I was drinking
ridiculous amounts of alcohol every day
and using coke daily it was about a year
later that I realized I needed help her
into rehab we tried couples counseling
now now I was clean and sober the pain
came and hit me like a ton of bricks and
I realized I can't be with him because
if I'm with him the pain is so intense
I'm going to use again so I ended the
relationship he was devastated believe
it or not like he wouldn't think I was
because I ended I was devastated
this was the person I thought I was
gonna grow old with and it just seemed
like my whole world had to come to an
end I didn't know what I was doing I
went on and did a secondary treatment
program in another rehab and I made some
really great close friends there one was
a guy we got together
Darrin who I'm with now and I have two
children with now and my ex-husband was
always under the impression that I left
him for him it was never like that but I
guess I guess he just needs someone to
blame and that's fair enough but it was
never like that my relation my marriage
was over and I did I got into another
relationship really quickly and maybe I
shouldn't have by the end of the day I
am still with him
I have two beautiful children with him
and so I don't regret it but I regret
the way it kind happened because I
didn't want to cause any harm so
obviously I caused loads so in the first
year like of me being clean I would
drive the kids like me I'm their dad
with me I would put up the car they
would get out go with him we didn't look
at each other we did not talk to each
other and it was really awkward we would
send nasty messages to each other we
would get really angry with each other
about anything and we didn't co-parent
at all and but slowly slowly we both
began to heal and we're now at a point
that we can talk I can say how you how
you cells work and we can chat we are
not best friends I think partly we would
be better friends had was I'm not with
Darrin I I believe that because he my
ex-husband won't talk to my part and now
because he blames him for the breakdown
marriage like I've just said so we're
never going to be best friends um but we
do get on and I believe we co-parent to
the best of our ability like the other
day for example are one of the mums at
the school said to me how skiing after
what happened what happened all those
boys surrounding him and pushing him I
was like what straight away I found
Ian's dad and I was like this is what's
happened I'm going to speak to the
mistress but I informed him because just
because he's not there he has a right to
know it is his his son anyway I did see
the headmistress and it turned out 15
boys had gone around my boy and started
pushing him and he was saying get off
for me you heard to me it like as a mom
it broke my heart but they did the
school did a big thorough investigation
it turned out it wasn't like a targeted
to tackle my son they were playing
football it was one class against
another and it got really rough and
other boys had got her as well and the
game was cooled off etc but yeah the
whole of the story so yeah I told my ex
and I keep him in the loop because he's
a really good dad when we were together
we clashed so much I would get resentful
he'd be out working I'll be at home with
the kids and and I don't I can't
remember him having as much time for the
children as he does now now he is an
amazing dad I'm not a parent has to sit
down with my children and say I'm really
sorry guys dad's not coming
dad's cancelled because he doesn't he
never lets them down he sees them and
when he sees them he gives them a
fantastic time for me sometimes it can
be difficult when it's like Oh dad so
much fun dad took us here dad took us
there and I'm just like yeah I cook I
clean I do the ironing I do go to school
I do the school run every single day I
do everything for you and Here I am I'm
boring mummy he's the best dad in the
world but rather than getting caught up
in that I always put the kids first
so my ex-husband lives two hours away
but we both drive an hour me drop the
kids and then we do the our home eat so
it's two hour we do that on the Saturday
and then on Sunday when I collect them
every other week and sometimes I don't
feel like doing it I don't want to do
that drive but I'm not doing it for me
I'm not doing it for my ex I'm doing it
for my children because at the end of
day like I said he's not counseling on
them
and they're really fortunate to have a
doubt like that and so I'm going to do
my beer so that they can see him
whenever they can
so there are times when we don't
necessarily agree on things I might
think a certain thing he might think of
something and we don't agree but we do
generally try now I think I know people
well do me a Demeter of actually row I
think you have no contact
III know that moms that have done this
and stopped their kids seen their dad
now if it was because the dad was a
raging drug addict and the mum failed
the kids were in danger I get it
you're putting the kids safety first but
a lot of the time is actually a really
decent dad and the moms are just
stopping the kids now I've seen this and
I've seen this play out over years and
years and years to the point where the
child that was kept away from their dad
stopped talking to their mom when they
enter their teens and they're now in
their twenties and they don't talk to
their mum and it's really sad this
because mum put herself before her child
and thought what is right for my child
and it it doesn't end well so you said
are we able to parent the kids the way
we were when wish to get actually when
we were together we weren't the best
parents because we were clashing so much
I do believe now that we are better
parents then you would have been have we
been together
Divya if your ex is actually has BPD and
it's untreated which I believe it is
from what you wrote then it stays
untreated I I can't see how you will be
able to co-parent well however if she
gets the right treatment and she gets
into recovery there's no reason why you
can't
I would suggest if you are having your
child wrongfully kept away from you do
what you can to fight that because you
do deserve to see your child and
actually your child deserves to see you
and I just feel sorry for the children a
lot of the time and I suppose that's why
I always do put the kids first and
sometimes if they dad's irritated me I
might think like saying like Oh your dad
so annoying but I won't because they
don't need to hear that that's my stuff
that's mine his stuff there is nothing
to do with my children and as far as I'm
concerned he's a good dad and that's
always what I have to focus on so I'm
gonna leave that bag ice my bye