hi my lovelies welcome back to my
channel
uh i'm at my mom's house today so i'm
hoping the kids don't come in they're
all playing in the other room
uh i'm gonna be discussing
what it's like as a parent
of a teenager that has been diagnosed
with bpd
now i know there was a time they didn't
diagnose teenagers with bpd i think they
kind of thought one the personality
hadn't really
fully developed and secondly it's quite
difficult to know
what's the bpd and what's the typical
teenager because obviously
typical teenagers with all the hormones
surging through their bodies
will have extreme mood swings they might
act impulsively
but now in the dsm there is a section
that allows four teenagers to be
diagnosed with bpd
in my book the big book on borderland
personality disorder i do have
like a chapter especially on teenagers
with it how to recognize it
where you should go or what you should
do to get help
um i'm not really going to focus on
that today because i'm coming from it
today as if you your child has already
been diagnosed so you know they've got a
diagnosis
um what do you do how
do you get through each day
um i mean being a parent of a teen is
hard enough i've got an 11 year old
and i know it's like i can say have you
tidied your room
and that's all i've said and i will have
my head written off
so i know it's difficult and my daughter
doesn't have bpd
uh you bring bpd into the equation
it's just like i suppose as a parent you
just think
where the hell did my lovely sweet child
go they were just
so lovely and now they've turned into
this monster
now i was that monster once making my
life
like my mum's life absolute hell
one thing i would say i can hear a child
um is there is hope my mum
probably that's lottie
went through life hi lottie
[Music]
went through life um thinking i actually
hated her because the way i treated her
today my mom is like my best friend i
actually dedicated my book to her
because i
without her i don't think i'd be where i
am today
so there is hope in the long term but it
is
likely to be a bit of a roller coaster
ride
so how do you
cope on a day-to-day basis
how how do you get through the days uh
just talking and communicating with them
like
um
because a lot of the time you're gonna
probably feel like you're walking on
eggshells
uh you don't know if you say one thing
if you'll get your head bitten off uh
and you desperately want to help them
that's the thing
like as a parent we love our children
so much and to see them
in pain it's just the worst feeling we
feel the pain for them
and i suppose you
if you have a child with bpd and you're
seeing them in this internal pain you're
going to be really
feeling that pain yourself because
you'll just feel helpless
there's a few things i would suggest you
can do uh
if learn
some soothing skills
for them for in a crisis so this is what
i've done before
and again my daughter doesn't have vpd
it's just the hormones
um she might kick off screaming
shouting i will just
walk out the room basically i walk away
from it
uh because one thing we've got to
remember once they've gone into that
complete crisis meltdown point
that part of their brain that
rationalizes is shut down
you're not going to get through to them
so what i do i'll go upstairs i'll run
the bath
light some candles uh i might put some
meditative music on uh and i'll call my
daughter i'll say can you come here for
a second
i'm stomping up the stairs and she'll
just see the bath and i'll say just go
in
and she'll go in and i just shut the
door
and i leave them what i've found is
she'll get in the bath
obviously um and she'll come out half an
hour later and she'll be like
thanks mum and she's like a different
person
so because what you've got to realize we
don't we're not
like as a teenager growing up we don't
um we don't naturally have these
self-soothing skills we don't know how
to naturally self-soothe
so as a parent that's something you can
help with by running that bath
for them doing something putting a nice
film on
getting some snacks um
but that's obviously like when they're
at crisis
crisis point um just to kind of
like i said help soothe them
on like a day-to-day basis
what would i suggest if you're just um
you're walking on eggshells you say
something
and they really snap your child snaps at
you
uh very often you'll probably just find
it in you you wanna
say something back but that will
escalate
uh and turn into a big argument
maybe they'll storm out uh
i personally if like as a teenager
and i just snapped at my mum
and my mum just said okay and just
then left it i haven't got anywhere else
to go with that
so an argument doesn't start
um it kind of diffuses the situation
a little bit uh because
i i would look for fights and arguments
and
push every button because we know
like what buttons to push on our parents
and that's what i would do
because i'd want a reaction so then i
could have an argument
and so i would suggest like don't let it
get to that stage just don't argue
back and i'm not saying be like a
walkover
um
i'm definitely not saying be a walker
like let them walk all over you i'm not
don't be a doormat i'm not saying that i
can hear lottie okay
she's calling my mom um
but sometimes the thing is once they
start snapping at you if you do get into
an argument
then again the rational part of the
brain is not going
to be working basically so they're not
you're not going to be able to
rationalize with them
um i would suggest
that as much as possible
you try to treat them like you would any
other teenager
yes they have borderline personality
disorder
but you don't want to make it all about
that you don't want to make
all the focus on that and also you still
need boundaries
you still need if they do something
wrong there still needs to be
consequences
um because i suppose it would be easy to
go oh yeah but it's the bpd
but in the long run that is not going to
help you at all
it's important you know your house your
rules
um obviously saying this to them if
they're in a crisis
point and they're screaming and shouting
it's just not going to go
they're just not going to hear it but
it's about having that conversation
uh with them when they're calm
and saying listen i love you but this is
not okay this is a house
and you cannot do whatever you don't
want them to do
and if they cross that boundary
there has to be a consequence
i think the best thing you can do is
just
let them know you love them let them
know you're there
if they need you
but i know like if i kept saying to my
daughter are you okay are you okay
you're okay she'd be like
well i was okay but now you've kept
asking me
i'm not okay and she would very much
have that attitude
so try not to keep asking i know you
might
want to and you want you know but your
child will talk when they want to talk
and all you can do is say
i'm here if you need me and be there to
listen to them
if they need to talk they might not want
to and that's okay
um i don't know if it's an option if you
can get
like counseling as a family because
again
then you're in a safe environment where
you can all sit down and talk
things through which is always helpful
um and the other piece of advice
i would give you is take
time for you like look after your own
mental health
uh because chances are you're going to
be pushed to your limits
it is going to be an emotional roller
coaster
uh
but you do deserve time for you and
so if you're in a relationship or you're
married
um try and take time out where you don't
talk about the child with bpd you know
because
you don't want the whole all of
something to all become about that
um so i would say
have a date night do something together
uh watch a football
cinema watch film laugh
and agree we're not we're not having the
bpd conversation tonight it's not about
that it's about
us if you need counselling
get some counselling just so you can
talk
about it speak to friends lean on family
members
uh because you don't you don't have to
be alone in this
stay in contact with um
your child's mental health team if
you're thinking of like certain
boundaries and
consequences and that speak to them and
say what do you think about this do you
think these are okay
um just get an idea
because they might say oh no but then
they might say yeah that's
absolutely fine they're your rules uh
just talk to people
uh but do take that time as well
where you don't talk about the epd uh
it's really important you look after
yourself you get sleep i know my mom
probably went years without sleep
because she was so worried about me all
the time
but like i said back when i was a
teenager we didn't know it was bpd we
didn't know what was wrong
um
it wasn't until i was older and like i
said as well
the earlier you get diagnosed and they
get some help for that and some
treatment for that
um the the higher
the chance that they will find recovery
earlier on
and maybe it won't go as long on as long
as it did with me
i mean back when i had it even when i
got diagnosed at 21 not many people had
really heard about it
uh dbt wasn't about then um at least it
wasn't over here in the uk
yeah i suppose that's the advice i'd
give you
um so to sum up
love them show them they're there if
they need you
um take care of yourself set boundaries
and consequences
don't make it all about the bpd
sometimes it's easier
just to not say anything than to getting
into an argument
in which you won't win because
they will not rationalize at all while
they're in that state of mind
and just know that it can get better and
it doesn't it doesn't have to all be
doom and gloom might like i said looking
around my mum's now
uh she's amazing
we've got a great relationship
uh which i'm sure when i was a teenager
she
would never have thought that
we would just sit and chat and laugh
um and giggle together just because of
the way i
treated her basically so hang on in
there
if you've got any more questions put
them in the comments below
i'll leave it there guys i love you all
loads
and i'm actually going to put out
another video later today
as well um on intrusive thoughts
uh yeah
i'll explain it more in the video later
on
but like i said love you all loads and
i'll see you later
bye