hi um I'm going to talk about postnatal
depression which I suffered with all
three of my children unfortunately um
right for me how did it start didn't
help for me that I was on medication
when I found out I was pregnant and I it
wasn't a medication it was carbamazepine
carbamazepine so um they it's not
particularly safe she was in pregnancy
so I well that's why i read i decided to
him just come off so i just stopped and
i went a bit cuckoo really and I was put
back on different medication and for the
rest of the pregnancy right so my
daughter was born oh like she says my
world all my children on my world just
like so amazing I remember like when I
first just first holding her and just
thinking what have I done why did I have
a child because now I'm gonna spend the
rest of my life worrying out huh because
that fear of something happening to her
was like they're straight away so then
the like she was born at 237 in the day
that night acquired myself to sleep the
night after I cried myself to sleep and
a half drive ugh um now there's things
such as the baby blues which women have
but for me it escalated quit it never
went away it progressively got worse and
worse and worse um I breastfed my
daughter and a breast feature in the
bedroom of the house and shaving my
ex-husband
and but I wouldn't leave the bedroom I
would lie with her all day all night
just feeding and just looking at her
when she was asleep constantly thinking
she's not breathing she's not breathing
in that panic scared to take her out in
won't open Qarth or something happened
to her someone would take her she'd get
an illness she was you know um I said
the catastrophizing and that had always
done before it was just so much worse by
isolated I don't want to see anyone i
didn't really want people to come around
my mum would come around I wouldn't eat
just ditch I should have been I just
didn't I just didn't want to do anything
I didn't want to leave the bedroom don't
wanna go downstairs to make a sound rich
or something I just wanted to lie and
look at my little girl and from me she
became my obsession lights blow all my
children in my life but this was
unhealthy like I yeah I just became
obsessed with her I just didn't want to
know anything else I remember crying one
day to my mum say mum can we just move
away just you me and my little girl just
us and it was right but I wanted my mom
there because I i felt like i was a
child again I didn't know what I was
doing and I thought run can do it for me
but at least I'm with her and then when
I'm looking after me and her oh I could
cry uncontrollably all the time I just
like I was so happy that I had this
beautiful girl at the same time I'll so
filled with fear
and I did think what have I done I've
got the rest of my life worrying like
this now and it was a really scary place
to be because I just I didn't know what
to do and I just didn't leave that room
really I just lay down and slept with my
up down bed her slap head to her snap
quite didn't talk to anyone with um my
first baby I didn't really get it with a
second or my third but with the first I
did um over one night and it might think
because i was sleep deprived I don't
hustle i was i was getting up in the
night with her but i don't know what it
was uh she was crying and crying going
and she used to cry like that soon I
remember and I almost sort of thinking
she's got the devil in her life she's
got I think but get her exercised I'll
go I have a priest round like that was
scary I never wanted to I never wanted
to harm her um but yeah I remember
really thinking she had the devil in her
and that was really scary pulling up now
there are moms out there they do they
have these psychotic tendencies and I
really feel for them because you just
you don't know what's real and what's
not and that's what's scary and you
don't know what's reality I think the
dump some mums out there as well they
get suffered posting clean they don't
even realize because it's very easy just
to slip into it and install isolating
and then thinking I can't cope that's
another one especially when the baby
crying and crying and crying you there
then you just think oh my god this
baby's never stopped crying and I can't
cope I can't do this luckily this and
lovely and they do Russian men out there
that can help so if you do need help