Nobody said recovery is easy – and we often come across hurdles along the way – but we CAN recover! Today I discuss some of the problems that arise in our recovery.

hi my lovelies I did actually do this
film earlier today it's Friday I did it
Friday morning in the UK but I've
decided to read to it which I very
rarely do but I just feel I wanted to
come at it from a different angle and
basically I know I said I was gonna be
doing spirituality series videos and I
am going to continue but I kind of want
to get them in some kind of order as it
is at the moment I put my camera on and
I just choose the topic off the top of
my head and I think I need to really
plan it so each video kind of flows into
the next one so I thought instead today
I would do a video request and I got
asked by a lovely lady called Paige hi
Paige and to talk about my experience
with recovery the recovery process and
what it's like and what we need to do to
get well basically now I did the video
earlier telling you my recovery journey
and I decided to change it because I've
done this video
I believe I called it the recovery
process I talked about my recovery with
you guys a lot I know for those of you
who are new you might not hear it so I
will give it in a nutshell but I just
won't go on and on about the actual
process what I thought I'd do instead is
talk to you about the problems I faced
in recovery and this is important
because recovery took me years it took
me a long time and I believe it took me
such a long time it's because I had
these problems if I had been aware of
them in the beginning like way back when
I was 21 and I got diagnosed with BPD I
think might be my 20s would have been
very different the way they are they
were basically because I did come across
so many hurdles so I want to share them
with you today because just because it
took me a while I really don't believe
it has to take you that long especially
if like you were aware of the things
that we come up against so okay in a
nutshell got diagnosed
had problems since I was maybe but which
will come out recovery so I got
diagnosed when I went on to mental
health ward and I started doing like
therapeutic day you know I'd go and do
some pottery do some painting but that
that was kind of the extent of it and
then seeing my counselor seeing my
psychologist but other than that like I
didn't do many groups now and again I
might do a woman's women's group
probably just go and talk but it was
more just because I was being told oh
we're putting you on this course and the
odd gay okay I'll just go along that was
there and so eventually DBT got off it
now when it got offered to me I believe
there were only two hospitals in the UK
that were doing it was very new here and
it was like like the buzzword DBT DBT
it's coming over from Accra it's amazing
data and I was like I'm so lucky I've
got on this course so I did the course
and I didn't get well
I must stop there I am I really believe
DBT can work but for this time in my
life it didn't and I'll explain why in a
minute it wasn't the DBT it was me
so my life carried on I still drinking I
still using drugs nothing's getting
better and I have no children I was
still spiraling out of control
I went to rehab I gave up the drinking
drugs I came out of rehab I was clean I
hit rock bottom I was self harming
social services were involved as
pregnant with my third child I went
through a divorce I like so many things
and it was just it just seemed like it
was never-ending I'd go into my 30s I
was in my early thirties and um for
those who don't know I just turned 37
last month but I was in my early 30s and
I was just like my I'm going to waste my
30s like wasted my twenties um and I
didn't know what to do bahah
a few things happened and I started
recovering and I carried on recovering
and I carried on recovering now for me
how did I know I had recovered it was I
suppose it's really weird way to
describe that but I felt like I grew up
a little bit I all of a sudden didn't
feel like that child anymore I'd spent
my whole life feeling like a child and
all of sudden I was like um bit of a
grown-up now I mean I can still have be
childish but I got teeth that's how
that's the best way up and it's why I
felt like I grew up a little bit and I
started made to think that I wasn't
having arguments in my relationship my
friendships weren't breaking down I
wasn't crying all the time
I wasn't self harming I wasn't drinking
I wasn't in drugs
I wasn't suffering with an eating
disorder all these things all these
problems disappeared and life became fun
who'd have thought I I certainly didn't
think it would ever be fun ever
especially without drinking drugs in my
life I couldn't imagine a life without
so that is in a nutshell but I did have
problems and my biggest problem in the
beginning was that I couldn't I don't
know if I could I just I didn't believe
the problem lay with me I got diagnosed
with BPD I didn't know what BPD was
really back then when people say oh
what's BPD I'm saying oh we bordering on
the like being your neurotic I was like
Ghatak which is why they got the name
borderline all those years ago but is
completely inaccurate and that's babe
that's what they thought it was and now
they know it's not but that's how I used
to describe it because I just didn't
know so and we didn't have YouTube I
wasn't on like looking at videos I
didn't research here I got told I had
this I was taking my medic
I'm still feeling like crap I didn't
know wasn't get him well and I'm thought
of his drinking and using at the time so
the meds weren't gonna work my moods
were going to be erratic because
sometimes you can drink and make your
numb it all the times you can drink and
it can heighten that pain and it can
feel so much worse so that was the
biggest thing I I didn't like I didn't
know about the individual traits
I couldn't didn't have anyone I could
relate to I didn't have anyone like you
yes yes that's why I've got I like that
I didn't have that and I felt really
alone but the biggest thing yeah I just
I thought the problem lay with everyone
else I thought it was the men I decided
to go out with it was the friends I
decided to hang around with it was my
mom it was my brother
it was like it was everyone except me I
could not accept that actually the
problem was me and I needed to make some
I was not self-aware I could not see my
fault at the time I just couldn't see
them so if you're like that and you
can't see that the font of you why would
you change because fully you've got
nothing to change that's how I felt so
starting DBT and I went along nice up
there and I took in the information but
when I left there once a week I would
leave it there I never did my homework
it was quite strict if you didn't do
your homework or you missed so many you
were kicked off and I didn't want to get
kicked off because I was like oh yeah
I'm doing DBT uh-huh
so what I do when my mom was driving me
there I would quickly just write some
answers on the worksheets that we were
given and I make it up I didn't do it
properly the skills I knew what they
were I never practiced at home never I
was too busy drinking and using so I
didn't take it seriously
now considering suicide rate is so high
amongst those of us with BPD and
sitter and I too had multiple suicide
attempts you would think I'd take it
seriously but I didn't I just didn't I
thought I was doing enough going once a
week and take my medication that was
enough that would fix me and I was so
wrong so it's difficult because like I
discussed in my last video we suffered
real tiredness not the time I didn't
want to get out I didn't want to do
anything but actually if we don't do
anything and we stay as we are we're
going to stay as we are we'd have to
make some changes you have to if nothing
changes nothing changes so yeah so there
was the time missed the anxiety I didn't
want to do it all the time I didn't put
in the effort to stim bother and sadly I
had tough choices to make who were who
was I hanging around with that wasn't
good for me when I went to rehab and I
got clean I got a new host I relocated
people like that I had thought really
good friends that just never reached out
to me I was just like I've just got to
forget them not hold on and we like want
them in my life
because I thought they were so wonderful
even though they didn't have time for me
so I had tough Twitter's to make not
only was there my relationships and my
friendships it's the drinking drugs so
can you imagine like a life without
drink or drugs if you're a user and you
drink can you imagine a life without it
it's really difficult I couldn't imagine
how I could ever laugh again without
drink or drugs I thought is it's just
not possible but I went through rehab I
died in car truly believed I would be
drug or drink free forever but I just
did it I went through the steps I got
out and life is really painful because
for the first time I was doing drug free
and so that was my next hurdle I had to
feel all my emotions I could no longer
numb them
I could no longer just go and drink I
can no longer just don't use drugs I had
to feel the emotion it was so painful I
hit my final rock bottom and I had just
literally had had enough but I was
pregnant I had my other two children and
I was like I've got to do something I
can't live like this and if I go back to
the drinking drugs I'm going back I knew
I had to do something so I started
looking up like the DBT skills because
yeah I talked I learned them but I've
never practiced them so it was like they
were alien to me so I started going
online and looking stuff up and I was
lucky that because I've done it before
by just reading I knew what I was doing
and I started practicing their skills
and putting some of them into practice
I'm at home when I didn't need them and
slowly slowly things started to improve
I got a support network around me I was
doing 12-step meeting so I had support
network and my mom would come down at
the weekends to see me I started making
friends and talking to the mums up the
school I had a really good mental health
team that I reached out to often if I
was struggling I because I never used to
do that I would be struggling and I
would nor all the calls from my mental
health workers because they're the last
people I wanted to talk to when I was in
a crisis but now I had to change things
around so and I had to get honest I had
to start becoming self-aware which is
scary because then all of a sudden we
see our phones and it's not nice is
horrible to think of oh my god that
that's me
the problem was me and it's really
really painful because we don't want to
look at ourselves why would we when our
behaviors are not very nice
but if I was going to recover I had to
be able to recognize these traits when
they came up and so I had to have a good
hard look at myself and today I can do
that so for example last night I had my
little boy Ethan's parents evening he's
four he's the one of the speech delay
and the teacher said can I be really
honest I was like yeah of course
like I love his teacher she taught my
son sod no no or a while I was like yeah
she was like you baby him now part me
was like oh my god I'm a bad mom I don't
know how to look after my dog but it's
definitely I realized I do I am like it
might be because he has to speech today
well I see him as a little baby he's
four now he's at school but I had to
take that information think okay I could
get Sookie with the teacher but actually
she was doing it out of place of
kindness it's true what was said and
sometimes the truth hurts but I had to
take that thing right okay so now what
my him do okay
I'm gonna try and stop babying him and
make some changes there because if I
don't nothing will change and he's not
going to thrive in the way he needs to
thrive safe recovery enables me to do
that I can look at myself now I can
recognize when my faults come up and not
beat myself up about it
because that's not going to get me
anywhere I have to face up face up to my
faults head on and be like okay now I'm
going to make some changes so it's my
little kitty
Severus yes so yeah it is painful
becoming self-aware but we have to
because recovery is ongoing it can get
to the point that we know our skills so
well that we're not aware if we're doing
them and that is for me I don't feel
like every
I'm having to practice my skills because
it just happens naturally but what I
mean is is ongoing is we constantly need
to be self-aware we constantly need to
recognize when these traits come up
because at times of stress these traits
do come up again and if they come up we
need to be able to get on them straight
away recognize them straight away
because if we don't they can spiral and
it can get worse so that's their the
things recovery isn't easy it's not
walking apart you will come across
hurdles but like I said living with BPD
is so much harder and when you get into
recovery you will come out so much
stronger that someone you'll be able to
go to your kids parent this evening and
someone can criticize your parenting and
say this is what you're doing and you'll
be able to go okay thank you for telling
me that now I'm not saying we need to
accept if someone said like Oh yogi old
dog I'm not saying laughter okay I'm not
saying that way if it's constructive
criticism if it's coming from a caring
place people that care about us we've
got to be able to take that and we might
not agree with it and maybe it's not
even true but at least not jump on the
defensive straight away be open-minded
enough to think okay is this person is
there something they're saying true and
if it is what am I going to do to make a
change only if any of you can recover
and I believe you can do a lot quicker
than I did every hurdle I came across I
went backwards because recovery isn't
just like this easy whoo yes I'm
recovered we take a few steps forward to
have a few steps back if every time I
took some steps back I thought it's not
working I give up
I wouldn't be here where I am now if
every time someone pointed out one of my
bad behaviors to me and I went but
I'm not looking at myself it's not me
issue I wouldn't be where I am now if I
every time I felt something painful so
screw this I'm gonna go and have a drink
killing you sir I wouldn't be where I am
now so I had to go through that pain to
get where I am now but it's so worth it
and you've just got to know just take
baby steps keep it in the day if you're
not going to drink for today I'll use
drugs just don't drink today I'm not
saying no drink forever just don't drink
today and then tomorrow comes and say
I'm not gonna drink today well I'm not
going to use today or you know I'm just
gonna do something I'm gonna put one
skill into practice today and sometimes
when times are hard we have to do just
keep it in the hour that's okay is baby
steps but know that you can recover
there is light at the end of the tunnel
yes it's hard work but it's so worth it
so I'm going to leave that there because
I have chatted for long enough but I
love you guys loads and I hope you all
enjoy your weekend
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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