What is our sense of self? Why is it a problem if we don’t really know who we are? How do we regain our sense of self?

hi my lovelies welcome back
to my channel uh i'm feeling really
grateful today and i want to
say a massive thank you because i'm
grateful to all of you
who like my videos share my videos
subscribe to my channel you message me
you comment on my videos
and it really does mean the world to me
and thank you
uh today i'm gonna do
not a video request because i don't
think i've been requested to do it but
it's something that i've seen come up
recently and i'm going to talk about
sense of self
and regaining our sense of self uh
before i jump into that ever so quickly
sex and mental health series is gonna
start next thursday so thursday the 12th
of november
look out for the video it'll be our next
right sense yourself what is it
what is it um it's
it's our perception of ourselves
uh how we see or view ourselves
uh it's made up of loads of different
lots of different characteristics our
personality traits
our likes our dislikes
our history um our belief system
our abilities our morals
uh if
like you go through the list and you
question yourself like what are my
what are my morals what are my likes
what are my dislikes what are my hobbies
and stuff like that and you can answer
them chances are you've got a good
sense of self and that's amazing
most of us with bpd i mean it is a bpd
that unstable self-image or unclear
um it is a vpd trait
so most of us with bpd when asking
ourselves like these questions
aren't usually able to answer them
like properly uh
to be fair like for me
i thought i didn't realize
that i
lacked a sense of self basically
because i've gotta move this on
uh because i
liked things like that other people
liked i kind of got my sense of self
from other people so if i was with
i know i've done a video on this before
i've got a ringing in my ear
i have done a video on this i did it
ages ago but i thought i'd go over it
because it was a long time ago
um if i was with people that like
certain kind of music i would like that
and i i now see i was just trying to fit
because i didn't know what i liked and i
just wanted to adapt
like a chameleon and fit into my
uh so i could go from one group that
like a certain thing to another group
and then like what the other group
liked even if it was completely opposite
uh and i i think i really believed that
i liked this stuff
and it wasn't until i started getting
into recovery and i started questioning
that i realized no actually i was liking
it because i wanted to fit in
i wanted to be accepted and
i just didn't know what i liked and what
i didn't like
and all this other stuff um
i can still like i think
my sense of self has really grown
massively uh but even to today
so i was i was just sat early and i was
thinking i'll do the sense of self video
and i was i don't know why but i got
subjects like my voice my accent uh
like i don't think i have an accent but
i suppose everyone thinks that
but i thought what is my is this my
like is this how i talk because when i'm
some groups of friends i think i speak
differently than when i'm with others
i do this really weird thing
um i when i speak to alexa
amazon alexa i do it in a northern
i don't know why i always i just do it
like all the time so i'll be like
alexa will you play and i'll do this
and um i don't know why i do it i don't
know why i do it
alexa um
so then i was like because everyone
we've all got our voices
and then we've got our telephone voice
and i think that's quite you know across
the board everyone has it
but for someone who's like a chameleon
and changes
their like surroundings in their
uh if i was talking to someone from up
north my
voice i wouldn't put on it completely
but i would start going a bit of
an or something i would uh
which is strange
so yeah even i was thinking today like
how do i talk
like when i talk in my videos is that
actually my voice
or is that a video voice is that
different to just talking
when i talk i don't know so
yeah and i think i've got a much better
sense of self
uh but with the accent thing i've said
it before i do kind of
adapt a bit um
anyone can have like
a weak sense of self say where they
don't know who they
are a lot of people can
at some point in their life have an
identity crisis
and they're like who am i what am i
doing with my life
and i suppose the difference with those
of us with vpd
is it's more
pervasive it's like
um we have it
continually i suppose as opposed to
just something happening in our life and
we question it it's kind of ongoing
um the problem when
the problem i suppose when we try to get
our sense of self
from other people uh it's not real it's
not really who we are we are just
adapting and then we can find if we're
on our own we
we feel lost we can feel
almost like we don't exist
i thought i had footsteps i did that
earlier went upstairs it's bob
the tortoise he's tiny he's smaller than
my hand
and i can hear this boom boom boom like
he's a giant up there
so um
someone like if someone has a strong
sense of self
they know who they are and
something can happen in life
um and maybe they act out of character
but they still know who they are they
know that
wasn't me like i acted out a character
those of us with bpd it's not
not really like that we can think i'm a
bad person
i'm actually this bad horrid spiteful
um and it's not nice to feel like
that um
the good news i suppose is that we can
our sense of self um it's important
that we start to and try to
because having
like a lack of sense of self can cause
so many problems
in relationships like i just said if
we're getting it from other people then
when we're
on our own we don't know who we are we
feel lost we feel lonely
and so then we hook on to people and we
don't want
them to go away we want them to be with
us all the time
and that can cause real problems in our
with those around us and
it's important to have a sense of self
as well because
without a sense of self how can we
build ourselves a city um
how can we learn to love ourselves
if we don't know who we are and then how
can we
expect other people to love us if we
don't love ourselves
because we don't know who we are so
that's an important reason for us to
to regain it um
i'm just thinking sorry
we live in a world
that is constantly changing
i mean just look look this year um
so many changes this year but i mean
even not this year you know
life goes on life changes
if you have a strong sense of self
you can adapt and
change with it because i suppose
you feel strong in the sense of i know
who i am things are changing around me
but i'm still me and so it's easy to
for those of us with bpd who have like a
lack of sense of self
if we don't even know who we are and
everything's around us
changing as well we're
left feeling like
in complete chaos and it's really scary
and we hate change for that reason um
it's not just like oh i don't like
it terrifies us it absolutely terrifies
um whereas if we had that strong sense
of self
it wouldn't be so scary it wouldn't be
so chaotic
like when do we develop sense ourself
how do we develop sense of self
it's really fair like i don't think
there's one answer
um is it marshall linehan i
think um says it's through our thoughts
and our feelings and how
others around us react to us
we know a high percentage of people with
uh grew up in either a dysfunctional
or an abusive household
so chances are as a child
um the way people would react to you if
they weren't being nice
you would change yourself
to make your life easier like if
you got told off doing something um and
really shouted out
like you would try not to do that again
even if it was like
not like it wasn't something that you
did that was bad
um it was just part of your personality
something you're doing
and you were told that's not right don't
do that
then you would change and adapt just so
you didn't get in trouble again
uh and so that can then you grow up
adapting and changing to
fit your surroundings um because that's
what you've grown up learning to do
our thoughts and our feelings
and the way people react to us so if we
look at bpd
we have intrusive thoughts we can
uh we can be paranoid uh
our thoughts are not just your regular
person thoughts
our feelings are extremely
intense and unstable
so if you think our sense of self kind
of developed
through thoughts and our feelings it's
no wonder
we have problems with our sense of self
because we have problems with our
thoughts and our feelings
and managing them basically and
the way people react to us i know as a
i like the way i behaved
horrified people people would not react
like in a nice way towards me because my
so again i would see how people didn't
seem to like me
again it's no wonder like because of our
behaviors people react a certain way
that's going to affect
the development of our sense of self
like i said it's not all doom and gloom
we can
regain it the problem is
uh whereas there's things like emotion
distress tolerance um and stuff like
that there's not
actually something like do this and
you'll regain your sense of self
so i think i can hearty
maybe not um there's not like a therapy
to help just fix that there's no one way
and one way doesn't
fit everyone with a lot of the therapies
for bpd you will find
like for example dbt dialectical
behavioral therapy
it includes learning to manage those
um learning how to deal with
relationships and communicate
coping in a crisis and what you find
is as you start to recover
you're kind of more calm
and balanced and
then it's easier to start to deal with
okay i'm going to regain
my sense of self because i found while
the bpd was
not being managed at all there was no
way i was going to learn
how to regain my sense of self um
my advice this is this would be my
advice now one of the things i did in
i had to write down
my likes my favorite film my favorite
my favorite hobby things i like to do
and i was stuck i didn't know what to
write i didn't know what my favorite
color was
uh it's blue i think
although i love gray i like wearing gray
but i love the color blue because of all
the different shades
anyway off topic uh
i didn't know what my favorite film was
i just
i didn't know so i would say when
do that write it all down favorite color
favorite film favorite list and be
honest with yourself
chances are you will be like me and
won't really know
so then i would say
try things watch some films and think
what did
i really think of this like did this
film make me feel really good rate it
out of 10 if you want
watch another film right that antenna do
you like it
don't you like it um and and write this
down and begin to learn to like
like learn
to see what your likes are and what you
don't like
and what why you don't like it so you
might watch the film think i
really didn't like that why why didn't
you like that write it down
maybe you haven't really read books
get a book read it do you like it
don't you like it what do you like about
it what don't you like about it write it
try new things uh go
to a shop and look at like when you
buy paint you can get like the piece of
paper with all the different shades
have a look and think what colors do i
like and choose something
what one would be my favorite write it
and slowly we start to regain our sense
of self we start
find things that we like like on our own
we're doing it on our own we're not
influenced by other people we're
genuinely learning ourselves and it
sounds really soft but
that's what i would do another thing go
back and think what did i
what made me smile as a kid was there
anything i liked doing you might like
roller skating
try roller skating go roller skating
see what you think of it
and it's it's through doing
little things like this like i find
writing it down
so helpful and then look at it and read
over it
and see in a week's time do you still
like those things
or do you think it's changed or do you
think no that is i did i
really like that film i really liked
reading that book or no
i don't like reading um
that combined with therapy like talking
as well where you can speak to a
therapist about this sort of thing
i would say is how you go about
regaining your sense of self uh
like i said it does depend on is the bpd
being managed
because if it's not chances are you're
still flitting from person to person and
liking what they like
so you do need to kind of learn to spend
some time alone
which is really really scary if the
bpd's not being managed
once it's been managed you will be able
to do that
maybe not for long periods of time to
start with but you will you will get
i think i've covered everything
if i haven't i might redo a video
at some point um if you think i've
missed anything
but um it's getting late i need to
upload this
and i'm tired i need to go to bed so
i'll love you
and leave you but thank you guys again
for watching subscribing liking etc etc
i love you guys i'll see you next week
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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