We can be left with so much guilt and shame when we see the hurt that our BPD causes our family. Our families just want us to be well – but often when we see how hurt they are we can get so caught up in the guilt that we forget to focus on the here and now and on our recovery.

Transcript:
hi my lovelies today I'm taking video
requests from matheus hi matheus and he
asked me how do we cope with seeing how
our mental state affects our family
because obviously if we have borderline
personality disorder if we have
depression anxiety any mental health
disorder it impacts those around us
borderline personality disorder is a
very serious disorder and it has a huge
negative effect on those around us
especially very close loved ones whether
that's our partner or our children or
our parents or siblings so I can
remember looking at him seeing just how
distraught my mom was my mom hated see
me like this especially when I used to
end up in a hospital for attempted
suicide and she kind of saw me at the
very very worst and it would affect her
of course it would she's my mum I'm her
baby I may be thirty six years old but I
am still her baby so the thought of
seeing her ups they're all and
especially the thought that it's me that
has caused that upset is really
upsetting I could get really caught up
in the Gil remorse shame like how can I
do this but here's the thing we don't
choose to suffer with this it's not our
fault we don't like the way we feel we
don't like the fact that we negatively
impact those around us unfortunately it
does affect those around us but we don't
we don't set out and choose for that to
happen so my advice would be
we is to accept that we are powerless
over other people we cannot control how
other people feel and accept actually
that we have this disorder we don't
choose to have it being eaten our with
guilt and shame and remorse is not going
to solve anything in fact it will
probably keep us stuck where we are
unable to move forward without recovery
because we're being too badly eaten up
with all these negative feelings so
accepting one that we've got this
disorder and it's not our choice and
secondly realizing that we can't stop
someone feeling a certain way what we
can do is really focus on our recovery
because like I say recovery is possible
now my mom has gone from being so
worried and upset every single day
because of me
to mean her having an amazing amazing
relationship she can still worry about
me I have to phone my mom every night
before I go to prepare to let her know
I'm okay if I don't and I forget to
phone I will get texts are you okay
what's up what's wrong should I be
worried and so I could start thinking oh
my god I've caused this because of my
history I have now made my mom into a
really worried nervous person but
actually that's not gonna get me
anywhere that's not going to help me and
that's not productive for me to feel
that way instead I just have to accept
it is what it is I can't change how my
mom feels but I can focus on my recovery
and stay in here and now and try my best
to continue to stay well and in doing so
hopefully my mum will worry less and
less and less which she does I mean I
know I still have to phone her every
night but up to be fair I love phoning
my mum and that's the difference like
back in those days I didn't want to talk
to my mom and now I love chatting we can
chat about anything but caught up and
rather than thinking like yeah sorry she
so she still worries but she doesn't
worry like she used to she can sleep at
night now without thinking her
daughter's gonna be found in a ditch or
her daughter's gonna end up in a
hospital but recovery takes time and I
see it as well because obviously you
guys know that I suffered with drug
addiction and so I went to rehab and
I've met like so many people that have
suffered with alcoholism or drug
addiction and I see the impact it has on
their families but they can't hold on to
that all the pain and hurt therefore all
we can do is make amends for the hurts
that we've caused and so we can let it
go and then we can focus on our recovery
and have a clear conscience knowing that
we've made amends for the harms we've
caused and now we're going to work out
our recovery to the best of our ability
and it takes time family members the
first year you might be clean from drugs
and in that first year the family is
still going to think they're gonna
relapse they're gonna relapse they're
gonna relapse because that's all they've
ever seen but a year goes by and we
don't relapse and then another year goes
by
and the longer time goes by and we're
getting more well and more well the more
families can start to heal themselves
and it's the same with borderline
personality disorder we have to let go
of the past and focus on the here and
now and hopefully with recovery the
longer you stay well your family will
begin to heal and that's the beauty of
recovery because this is a family
disorder in the fact that impacts them
so as we recover they too can recover
and I think I'll leave that there today
guys see you later love you all bye
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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