hi guys I'm gonna talk about boundaries
this is a video I suppose for family
members or loved ones of people with
borderline personality disorder but
suppose anyone can put boundaries in
place you could have a loved one that's
an addict and you can still put
boundaries in place but today I will
focus on the borderline and so it's
useful I suppose but if you have for
Deline as well because then if you're
part through your partner or your family
put boundaries in place you can kind of
understand what they're doing a bit and
realize they're not just out to get you
and be horrid to you and dismiss you
because that is not the point of
boundaries basically we know from having
borderline personality disorder that we
can be hard work we can turn on our
loved ones we can hurt ones closest to
us and we can be generally difficult to
live with
I was outright vile at times and would
say horrid things do horrid things to
the point that my family didn't know
what to do because if they try to argue
with me I'll just get worse if they try
to walk away I chase them I would
absolutely chase them not like with my
words I would physically wear after them
and be grabbing them like you hate like
that
I really would so how much should a
family member have to put up with how
much did a loved one have to take I
think part of our recovery process
is helped if there are boundaries put in
place I hated having boundaries put in
place to start with absolutely hated it
but it got easier and actually helped me
long-term it helped me so what do I mean
the boundaries right
if I was going horribly horrible to my
partner screaming and shouting how long
should he stand there should he stand
there while I completely abuse him
verbally or should he wait till I start
attacking him physically or hurting
myself in front of him because these are
all things I've done what should he do
should he try to stop me
should he argue back should he walk away
I suppose it's up to you the family
members and loved ones to decide how
long you're going to stand there and
it's different maybe you can take
slightly more than other people maybe
you'll just be like that I'm just
stopping this early on and that's fine
you just do what works for you when you
put boundaries in place I would say you
talk to your family member with
borderline personality disorder and tell
them what you up will be doing not in a
heated argument oh this is what I'm
going to do it won't work they won't
hear it they will not listen you need to
do it and things are okay they're okay
you calm and just sit down and say look
next time you are going mad screaming of
that I'm going to walk away you need to
say to them it's not because I'm angry
it's not because I hate you because I
love you but for my own sanity and for
my own well-being and for you I will
walk away and this is
I'm going to do so the next time the
person with BPD kicks off you then have
to stand by it because if you don't then
they know they can push you and push you
and push you and get away with it next
time and next time and it will be harder
for you it will be hard for them and you
just like we do a long drawn-out thing
that doesn't need to be so I'll explain
what my partner you still do so he would
sit me down say next time you do this
I'm just gonna go because I don't want
to get into this confrontation with you
it's not healthy for either of us but
just know I do love you I'm not running
away I will come back because that's the
thing we often think by someone leaving
they were abandoning us but this isn't
okay so you need to state this so here
to say to me I'm not abandoning you not
leaving you I'll come back I will talk
to you when with both calm so a few days
later maybe that evening I would kick
off and I'd start hurling abuse and
shouting and he returned to me he'd say
but remember what I said I do love you I
can't do this right now I'm just gonna
walk away I'll talk to you later
and he'd start talking now to start with
I didn't not like this and I would chase
him and I would grab him and pull him
back and be screaming and he'd just
unhook me and go and shut the door and
he would leave so then I'd get on my
phone texts during trial phone he
wouldn't answer so then I'd get even
angrier so I'd start texting the most
vile abusive messages ever to him
telling him he was the scum of the earth
that I never wanted to see him again
that I would cheat on him like really
awful things and he wouldn't reply so
then I would start now this is where I
would start trying to manipulate and
start saying well I will hurt myself
then I will do this I will do that
and there were times that he'd leave and
I would self-harm partly because that
anger partly because it was like see you
made me do this but actually no he
didn't make me do this I was going to do
this anyway and you cannot take that
guilt on and think oh if I only had
stayed because trust me if you had
stayed it would not have got better and
you have to realize that it's not your
fault you were not making them do that
so that's what that's basically the
outcome the first time he did it Rick
possibly the first few times next time
it would happen again
and I would chase him and he would leave
and I would start sending my messengers
again again no reply and this would go
on and on to the point that one day I'd
kick off and he'd walk out and I
wouldn't chase him because I knew there
was no point in chasing him because he
was not going to turn around and come
back he had put his boundaries in place
and he was going to stick to them and he
left so I wouldn't chase him but I would
send my Gnostic messages but maybe just
not as many or maybe not as vile maybe I
would call him scum but not scum of the
earth you know like it was just slightly
less but over time I realized that he
would come back he we would talk it
through and everything would be okay and
it's got to the point it got well it got
to the point where I would kick off he
would walk out I would not chase them I
didn't even bother texting him because I
knew he wouldn't reply I wouldn't even
call him because I knew he would not
pick up there was no point so and I
didn't feel I had to because the anger
of I used to get it lessons and for me
by him putting those boundaries in place
I actually calmed down I've started
learning to self-soothe and calm myself
down
now had he stayed I wouldn't have got to
do that I would have just carried on but
he was stuck to his word he would leave
so there was no point in me chasing him
and he would call me a few hours later
and say how are you or send me a message
how are you feeling and by that point I
was karma and they're not to talk to him
and then he could come back and we could
talk things through and we could have a
cuddle and so for me with borderline was
so helpful but like I said to start with
I hated it I absolutely hated it
but for you family members I think it's
really important because we will try and
destroy you we don't consciously try and
do that we don't set out and think we're
going to ruin this person we want their
life to be helped because we generally
don't it's we feel so crap inside and we
are hurting so much that we just do this
and we behave in this way it's not we're
bad people it's our behaviors about
showing off entering so I think for both
the person with BPD
and the loved one Foundry's are really
really important
for both of you but like I said it's
really important you've got to stick
with it there's no point in saying this
is what I'm going to do I'm not doing it
or going and then getting that message
well I'm going to do this and then come
running back because they're Newton -
you haven't got anywhere you've broken
your own boundaries basically and it was
pointless
you have just dragged it out for no
reason so it is sticking with it but the
important thing is when they're calm
explaining look I just did that because
I love you and I have to protect myself
and I have to protect you and talk about
it because it's not like you can't talk
to us when we can because you can
so I'll leave that there today guys and
I will be back in a few days
that's love to all bye