Us borderliners can cause a lot of hurt to our loved ones. How much should a loved one put up with? What should they do when we kick off?
hi guys I'm gonna talk about boundaries this is a video I suppose for family members or loved ones of people with borderline personality disorder but suppose anyone can put boundaries in place you could have a loved one that's an addict and you can still put boundaries in place but today I will focus on the borderline and so it's useful I suppose but if you have for Deline as well because then if you're part through your partner or your family put boundaries in place you can kind of understand what they're doing a bit and realize they're not just out to get you and be horrid to you and dismiss you because that is not the point of boundaries basically we know from having borderline personality disorder that we can be hard work we can turn on our loved ones we can hurt ones closest to us and we can be generally difficult to live with I was outright vile at times and would say horrid things do horrid things to the point that my family didn't know what to do because if they try to argue with me I'll just get worse if they try to walk away I chase them I would absolutely chase them not like with my words I would physically wear after them and be grabbing them like you hate like that I really would so how much should a family member have to put up with how much did a loved one have to take I think part of our recovery process is helped if there are boundaries put in place I hated having boundaries put in place to start with absolutely hated it but it got easier and actually helped me long-term it helped me so what do I mean the boundaries right if I was going horribly horrible to my partner screaming and shouting how long should he stand there should he stand there while I completely abuse him verbally or should he wait till I start attacking him physically or hurting myself in front of him because these are all things I've done what should he do should he try to stop me should he argue back should he walk away I suppose it's up to you the family members and loved ones to decide how long you're going to stand there and it's different maybe you can take slightly more than other people maybe you'll just be like that I'm just stopping this early on and that's fine you just do what works for you when you put boundaries in place I would say you talk to your family member with borderline personality disorder and tell them what you up will be doing not in a heated argument oh this is what I'm going to do it won't work they won't hear it they will not listen you need to do it and things are okay they're okay you calm and just sit down and say look next time you are going mad screaming of that I'm going to walk away you need to say to them it's not because I'm angry it's not because I hate you because I love you but for my own sanity and for my own well-being and for you I will walk away and this is I'm going to do so the next time the person with BPD kicks off you then have to stand by it because if you don't then they know they can push you and push you and push you and get away with it next time and next time and it will be harder for you it will be hard for them and you just like we do a long drawn-out thing that doesn't need to be so I'll explain what my partner you still do so he would sit me down say next time you do this I'm just gonna go because I don't want to get into this confrontation with you it's not healthy for either of us but just know I do love you I'm not running away I will come back because that's the thing we often think by someone leaving they were abandoning us but this isn't okay so you need to state this so here to say to me I'm not abandoning you not leaving you I'll come back I will talk to you when with both calm so a few days later maybe that evening I would kick off and I'd start hurling abuse and shouting and he returned to me he'd say but remember what I said I do love you I can't do this right now I'm just gonna walk away I'll talk to you later and he'd start talking now to start with I didn't not like this and I would chase him and I would grab him and pull him back and be screaming and he'd just unhook me and go and shut the door and he would leave so then I'd get on my phone texts during trial phone he wouldn't answer so then I'd get even angrier so I'd start texting the most vile abusive messages ever to him telling him he was the scum of the earth that I never wanted to see him again that I would cheat on him like really awful things and he wouldn't reply so then I would start now this is where I would start trying to manipulate and start saying well I will hurt myself then I will do this I will do that and there were times that he'd leave and I would self-harm partly because that anger partly because it was like see you made me do this but actually no he didn't make me do this I was going to do this anyway and you cannot take that guilt on and think oh if I only had stayed because trust me if you had stayed it would not have got better and you have to realize that it's not your fault you were not making them do that so that's what that's basically the outcome the first time he did it Rick possibly the first few times next time it would happen again and I would chase him and he would leave and I would start sending my messengers again again no reply and this would go on and on to the point that one day I'd kick off and he'd walk out and I wouldn't chase him because I knew there was no point in chasing him because he was not going to turn around and come back he had put his boundaries in place and he was going to stick to them and he left so I wouldn't chase him but I would send my Gnostic messages but maybe just not as many or maybe not as vile maybe I would call him scum but not scum of the earth you know like it was just slightly less but over time I realized that he would come back he we would talk it through and everything would be okay and it's got to the point it got well it got to the point where I would kick off he would walk out I would not chase them I didn't even bother texting him because I knew he wouldn't reply I wouldn't even call him because I knew he would not pick up there was no point so and I didn't feel I had to because the anger of I used to get it lessons and for me by him putting those boundaries in place I actually calmed down I've started learning to self-soothe and calm myself down now had he stayed I wouldn't have got to do that I would have just carried on but he was stuck to his word he would leave so there was no point in me chasing him and he would call me a few hours later and say how are you or send me a message how are you feeling and by that point I was karma and they're not to talk to him and then he could come back and we could talk things through and we could have a cuddle and so for me with borderline was so helpful but like I said to start with I hated it I absolutely hated it but for you family members I think it's really important because we will try and destroy you we don't consciously try and do that we don't set out and think we're going to ruin this person we want their life to be helped because we generally don't it's we feel so crap inside and we are hurting so much that we just do this and we behave in this way it's not we're bad people it's our behaviors about showing off entering so I think for both the person with BPD and the loved one Foundry's are really really important for both of you but like I said it's really important you've got to stick with it there's no point in saying this is what I'm going to do I'm not doing it or going and then getting that message well I'm going to do this and then come running back because they're Newton - you haven't got anywhere you've broken your own boundaries basically and it was pointless you have just dragged it out for no reason so it is sticking with it but the important thing is when they're calm explaining look I just did that because I love you and I have to protect myself and I have to protect you and talk about it because it's not like you can't talk to us when we can because you can so I'll leave that there today guys and I will be back in a few days that's love to all bye
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.