Today I discuss the various sex issues those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder may experience due to the disorder.

hi my lovelies welcome back to my
welcome back to the sex series
i'm not a sex therapist i'm not a
psychiatrist or a psychologist
i am someone that's really struggled
with my mental health over the years uh
i thought it was a good idea to do this
series to
discuss sex and mental health together
often when we think of sex
we think of physical but actually what
goes on up here really impacts
what goes on down here today i'm going
to discuss with you
vpd borderline personality disorder
and sex i say it like that
because i was diagnosed with bpd when i
was 21 i'm 39 now so nearly 20 years so
i have
real personal experience with this i've
got my
book here i know it's all back to front
because this doesn't flip
over uh just because i'm going to read
the traits to you for those of you who
don't know
what bpd is there are nine traits you
have to have
five out of the nine for a period of
two at least two years i say that
because so many people hear the traits
and go i got that i got that i get that
um but it doesn't necessarily mean you
have bpd
uh because most people in their lifetime
will tick some of the boxes
but they'll tick them and then they'll
grow in this
case in the case someone with bpd it
doesn't just go we have to really learn
to manage it
i'm reading from my book because every
time i try to read the traits
i miss one out and i always miss a
different one so i thought i'm just
going to read it
then i'm not going to miss it right so
we have fear of abandonment
unstable relationships unclear and
unstable self-image
impulsive self-destructive behavior
self-harm and suicidal behavior extreme
mood strings
chronic feelings of emptiness explosive
and feeling suspicious and out of touch
with reality
so to get diagnosed you have to have
five out of the nine some people have
six seven eight nine you know lots of
different combinations two people can
have the exact same traits and it
comes across completely differently um
but you can see with all these
different traits how it can really
really impact
our sex life and
research has been done on vpd insects
but most of research has focused on
so unfortunately i can't really give you
much from the man side unless you're a
guy out there with bpd
and you'll feel happy sharing it in the
to help other guys out and
research that has happened
tends to show that women with bpd as
opposed to women without bpd
uh tend to have more mixed feelings
when it comes to sex and
generally they're more dissatisfied this
sexual dissatisfaction basically
but when you look at some of these
traits we have the fear of abandonment
we have the unstable
relationships that's like the big one
it's no surprise that
there might be some problems in the sex
life there
i think
i think the fear of abandonment
possibly cause us so we can get into a
relationship with a guy
and we have this fear they're gonna
leave us and we don't want them to leave
us so we people please
we'll do what they want us to do um
we might do things that actually they
won they might go against our morals
two we might just not be into that uh
but we're scared this person's gonna
leave us and we want to be with them
so we do it anyway uh
it's not i've got to say it's not the
partner's fault we can't go oh you made
because we've got a choice and we can
say no
i don't want to do that um so we can't
do it and then
blame the partner that's the thing we
have to say okay well that was
my doing um but because with
we we're so focused
on doing what they want us to do to
please them
so they don't leave us um we don't
we can't relax enough we can't be honest
what we want and so i think that can
leave us feeling dissatisfied
i must say i don't think the partner
would know we're dissatisfied
because we will make all the noises and
you know because we want them to think
we're loving doing what they want us to
as much as they love it uh again
this isn't really fair uh because if we
think about it
like when you're in an intimate
relationship and you're having sex with
you kind of think you're both gonna be
and if one partner
is secretly like pretending
to really enjoy something um when
they're not then they're actually being
dishonest to the other partner
and so you've kind of got to feel bad
for the other partner as well
but what we have to remember is the
person with bpd is doing that because
they've got this like intense fear
that if they don't do this this person
might leave them
we also have to take into account um
when you think of bpd that
most people with bpd have suffered
some kind of trauma often it sexual
trauma sexual abuse it could be sexual
abuse as a child
so if you think of that no wonder
that person might grow up with issues
when it comes to sex
um real uncomfortable
mixed feelings uh
not able to enjoy it or
i've i wrote about so
i was going to do a separate video on
and mental health but i
had my eyes opened guys uh when i did a
bit of research
actually most people that are into bdsm
have really good mental health uh
in fact it can even improve
people's mental health
the one mental health problem that kind
of came up
mental health disorder that came up
with bdsm was
borderline personality disorder
and i wrote i'd see i'd written about
in my book so i knew
that there were problems with people
bpd and that kind of
sado masochism
oh i'm not going to read it all to you
now i did a very it wasn't a lot
but i did write about it and it was
basically along the lines
of again because of some kind of maybe
sexual abuse in the past or that
um then getting into a relationship and
sometimes like
that feel it i'm gonna i'm gonna read it
i'm gonna read it in case i just
say it bad okay
so although not every person with bpd
has suffered abuse
many have and this is possibly a cause
of some of
our sex issues there's a link between
people particularly women with bpd
and sexual masochism sexual masochism
can be a healthy part of a relationship
but for those of us with bpd it is often
behavior brought on by our emotional
in regard to past traumatic events
rough sex basically can cause us to feel
something that feels familiar and
perhaps subconsciously we associate the
physical pain we experience
during sex with love and then it just
says basically also physical pain can
release endorphins which make us
give us a little high and that can
become addictive
as well so i was thinking about this
and i think for me so i've been in a
like this um with
the choking uh rough sex
uh to the point sometimes i'd pass out
i hated it but what i'd remember is
hearing the person saying i'm sorry
and hugging me i'd feel
really loved like it was like something
really bad happened but now i'm being
held i'm being told
i'm sorry i'm sorry you're okay you're
that's not a healthy relationship um
but i realized i can't blame 100 i can't
like this person for this
100 because
i did kind of engage in this i i let
this happen
um it's not like it happened he choked
me i passed out
and then i said get out i never want to
see you again don't touch me again
that didn't happen that relationship
carried on
and so i'd almost like given permission
for that to happen
uh but like i said for me i think
so like i don't want to go into
different people's i'm not saying who
obviously but i'm not going into
different meeples like their own issue
i think lots of people have their own
issues i think the person i am talking
about had his own issues
and this person kind of got kicked out
seeing someone else in pain that was
their thing
for me in the beginning someone with bpd
someone with a fear of abandonment i was
like i i'll let i'll be that person i'll
let you
inflict that pain i'll i'll be that
person because i don't want to lose you
and so you can just treat me as you want
and i was like that because i
didn't want to lose this person um i i
people pleasing to the extreme guys
that's to the extreme
doing something that was causing me pain
to the point guys i used to cry like i
could cry
but then
like the worse it was after the
more i felt loved and looked after
so i did say to you in one of the videos
um i i have my own issues around this as
uh and it was it was
feeling like
i don't know maybe just being made to
feel rubbish but then me being made to
amazing and looked after after
which kept me in that cycle
i don't know if any of you out there
have kind of been in that
situation i mean
i know as someone with bpd with people
like for me
i can see for me it's about people
uh for me sex was never about me never
has been
it just never has been
uh i'd love to be able to say yes i have
met someone and
we have a really healthy sexual
uh but that has not happened
for me to this to this day up to yet
um like happy healthy
i don't think
i don't think i don't know i don't know
for me i don't know if it's fine i just
couldn't relax
enough um
i don't think i would be able to relax
enough uh to really like
let myself go i don't
we have one of the traits impulsive
self-destructive behaviors now this can
be sex
um this can be bought on so when you
think like
our impulsive self-destructive behaviors
often we act impulsively
uh either because real extreme emotion
has come on
so it could be a huge argument with
someone or feeling really
sad or feeling really happy um
and we impulsively act out and sex can
be part of that
um but if you look at some of the other
impulsive like
behaviors they're often under the
so we could be under the influence of
drugs we could be under the influence of
and then that could again lead to
impulsively having sex with someone
uh i didn't
realize that i always kind of thought
the promiscuity and the impulsive
sex that was one in the same i don't
know why i thought that
but actually very different very
different so the impulsive part is where
you just like
i just want to go and have sex and you
just go and have sex
and the promise security part is it's
not an impulsive
thing it's that need
to just have multiple partners you just
want to have multi and it's not
it's not a spur at the moment i want to
have sex with someone and then go and
have sex
it's not it's it's it's separate i
didn't know that
i'm still learning guys see i'm still
um i'm wanting to have
multiple partners uh
why would someone want to have multiple
partners well maybe
that would help them feel loved it
makes them feel wanted i know it doesn't
mean they're loved by every partner i
know that
but um
if they're fixing they could be fixing
their feelings we know one of the
traits is that chronic feelings chronic
feelings of emptiness guide that like
i mean when you read through it and
you're like extreme anger
self-harm and it seems in its chronic
feelings of emptiness
until you've had that chronic you don't
just how empty you feel um and just how
devastating it is to your life to have
that feeling
like you just feel
nothing like empty it's horrible
um so you can understand
why someone would want to fill that
void and you can do that through
you could do it through drinking you can
do it through um
gambling drugs you can do it through sex
and so i think that's why when someone
desperately is just going out wanting to
have sex with different partners
very much um the case because they're
just trying to fill that void basically
and not feel that
chronic feeling of emptiness basically
one thing i hear a lot actually and
very rarely recently but in the early
days of my channel i used to get a lot
of like
people come on saying really horrid
things about people with bpd because
they've been with someone
with bpd and the person with bpd had
cheated on them or just left them and
gone off with someone else
and they used to really really struggle
with that obviously
i uh if someone did that to me i'd be
so i completely understand where they're
coming from
um but then so you look at like this
adultery where someone is cheating and
again you look at the bpd traits
and you think okay you've got a really
unstable relationship
you've got all these fears that someone
might be doing this to you so maybe
you think i'm gonna hurt them i'm gonna
go off and do it
and hurt them um
the impulsivity the
low self-esteem i mean
i know from having low self-esteem it
just literally makes you feel
so worthless and horrible uh for me when
i'm like that i just want to curl in a
and disappear but i can see why some
people would think okay no
i could use sex to make me feel better
because i could be going out
and then every time someone has sex with
me it boosts me
unfortunately it doesn't work like that
because once the sex is over you often
a lot worse after because it's not going
to fix you
you're going to be exactly in the same
place you were before you've just now
had sex with someone
who you might not see again and it's
just brought up all these horrid
feelings and
yeah it's not going to boost your
even if you think it is
but these are things we need to talk
about because
this is part of this disorder
where like what it's not part of this
disorder it's not part of this disorder
at all
um but what i'm saying is like one of
the sex issues it can be
this needing to have sex needing to feel
like people want you um
and then obviously like so if you're in
a relationship with someone
uh maybe you the person with bpd has had
sex with someone else that's going to
affect your relationship
coming back into it because once you've
done that there's
like this there's a change has happened
but likewise
there are those of us with bpd um
that don't cheat but their partners
might and that can cause
us a load of problems because we've
already got intense emotions
uh but it happens unfortunately and it's
nothing to do with the bpd it's just
unfortunately it's life you hear about
you see it going on all the time
uh this is one thing i
really really struggle with and i think
this is why like
i i was on the phone to my friend
earlier uh he's in antigua highlanders
yeah he went to antigua lucky lucky
it's so hot out there and i'm like we're
freezing it
um i was talking to him earlier
and just saying like
i can't imagine ever being in a
ever again and i think that's
it because for me that fear of
abandonment is so strong especially as
i've had such
crappy air
now i'm just like i'll just be on my own
and then at least i don't have to be
worrying about other people
but then my friends always say to me
the right one will come along and i'm
okay i just can't imagine it at the
because yeah like that that trait the
unstable relationships that
is going to be the one that impacts
us the most with our sex life
i would say unless
you you you don't get in relationships
like exactly what i'm saying now
like i'm staying away i don't want to
know i don't
i'm gonna have like after this year
serious trust issues again and i'm
trying to work through it at the moment
like who the hell can i trust and
they're gone i'd rather
um and maybe you'll like that
maybe you're someone with bpd you've
been burnt one too many times and you're
i'm not having a relationship but then
how does that impact your sex eye
but either maybe you're just not having
uh again like that's okay
uh i like i said when i'm not in a
relationship i'm good i don't need sex
i'm fine
i could go years honestly guys i could
literally go years and be fine
with no sex
but everyone's different and maybe
you don't want to be in a relationship
but you want to have sex
and maybe you're someone that is
does get into caught into the whole um
uh you don't do full-term relationships
not into that but you will have sex
because you
get something from that that is giving
you something
my throat made that gurgling noise again
what are the traits did i do all the
traits so i said there's literally so
and i was like i haven't really planned
i was like i'm just going to put it on
just start talking about it and it will
flew out um the extreme mood swings
i mean that's the first one i looked at
um just now that
your mood is obviously going to affect
your sex life so some of the other
videos i've done
before um either
fixing on sex and
like um or fixing on
pornography i haven't done pornography
i've done masturbation
um but you
becoming addicted to that i would say if
were addicted to masturbation it's
probably because you're addicted to the
maybe i'm wrong tell me maybe i'm wrong
but pornography is something you can get
addicted to so maybe
that uh maybe
the low moods the chronic feelings of
emptiness just leave you you don't want
to have sex
you're just not interested and then it's
a vicious cycle because if you're in a
relationship it'll affect your
relationship and that's why
we say guys like communication is key
you talk about this stuff uh with people
and have this conversation like with
your partner
uh if you're in a relationship let them
know where you're at with it
because at least then they can have some
kind of understanding
unstable unstable self-image i think
i've kind of covered everything i think
i think
i might do a different video so yes it
started talking to another friend about
this actually and we're talking about
um the amount of like young girls that
might get into sex work
um i mean i was i did lap dancing
when i was 18 19
i think um
but not just that but maybe
girls that get into like sex work where
they um
well the sex workers they sell
themselves for sex
uh and we hear about that and i was
talking about
like talking about this with my friend
we're like how can we protect like
younger girls how can we do a video we
can talk about this stuff where it's not
and i might do a separate video on it
but i know
obviously again women because that's
all i know i can't say for guys but i'll
be i'm pretty sure it's probably
the same um
one if you've had this really unstable
childhood where there's been some kind
of abuse or something going on
you're more likely as you grow up to
perhaps get into the drugs
the drinking if you kind of get into
that scene
um especially certain kind of drugs then
you might then go down the route of sex
um and
i suppose because of like bpd and we
know these things and i and i've
personally heard
women say i used to be a sex worker but
it's something that's really kind of
let's not talk about it
but it's something we should talk about
because if we don't it's just only
adding to the stigma of it
uh but i think i'm gonna do a separate
i'm gonna get my friend involved
actually to talk i mean she's not a sex
um but it's something like when i was
with her we had this really like deep
conversation about this kind of stuff
um and yeah i think
because i want people to get something
out this these videos i want people to
come away and think oh okay
um i want people to be able to watch
them go yeah i do that
thank goodness i'm not alone i'm not the
only one that does that
yeah i want them to take something
positive from these videos
and know that actually it's we can talk
about it
it's all right it's all right for us to
talk about it
uh but yeah i think i will possibly
do that later on in the series uh
so next week all my kids break up for
um so there may be
i'll try not i'll try not i want to be
here next thursday but i
um but if i do i'll let you know on
social media
and i've got loads of exciting new
videos coming up for my channel because
i know i didn't put out this tuesday
i've had
my son home poorly my daughter was home
last week my son home this week
um so i didn't get the video out again
uh but i am on that
and i'm hoping to livestream this
weekend i will
put out my youtube channel um in the
community section
i'll put it on social media so you know
when i'm gonna live stream
might be tomorrow night might be
saturday night i'll have to let you know
uh but yeah if not i will see you
next time with another sex video
love you guys
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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