Today I discuss my own experience with this and the affect it has on me even to this day.

hi my lovelies today I am doing not
video requests but I got asked by no 200
hi now to talk about sexual trauma and
overcoming air but rather than giving a
big type you type your response I
thought I'd do it as a video because I
think lots of people couldn't kind of
benefit from hearing this kind of
subject especially as so many people
with BPD have suffered some kind of
trauma in their past in particular
sexual trauma obviously it's not the
nicest subject to talk about
so before I dive in to the deep bounding
go into that I thought I tell you a true
story of something that happened to me
this weekend say my mom came down with
my stepdad and my brother as they do on
a Saturday and it was really nice day
and when they went I always walk them
out to the car and weave them or keep
them kiss his face I'm off and I'm
giving my brother a kiss and say bye he
sat in the car and I hear my mum saying
shereena Sheila there's a cat poo down
here I've said alright no worries
Joan okay I'm saying goodbye to my
brother still and then she comes around
the corner she said I put it somewhere
that's easy for you to get rid of it
okay you could have just told me where
it was fine I could have just got rid of
it in the morning because it's dark now
you see I don't want to go hunting cat
poo in the dark said I'll show you where
it is okay so I started following her to
my front door which he opened and we
went inside she had put the cat poo on a
crisp packet in the hallway so I thought
it'd be easy and then you can just push
move it to the bin so you've bought poo
into my house who does that it's not
just me being crazy I don't know anyone
if I saw a poo in someone's driveway I
would say you have a poo in your
driveway and I would leave them to get
rid of it I would not take it upon
myself to get that cat poo and put it on
a crisp packet and walking into their
house and leave thanks mom I think my
daughter's home okay so today I'm gonna
get on with today's you who know me
you're going to know my experience those
you who don't know me I will give you a
brief outline so when I was 8 years old
I had an experience where there was a
teenage boy and he put his hand down my
pants I don't remember the before after
what happened I knew I was uncomfortable
but that's it
it must have affected me because when I
was 11 I had like male friends and he
favoured straight me of making fries
then when I was 14 I got my first
boyfriend who I thought was amazing he
was 18 I was 14 looking bad
Clara's anything he was a narcissist we
were together about a week when he said
to me that he wanted to have sex and he
made clear that if I didn't he would go
and get another girlfriend so why did
and I lost my opportunity which wasn't a
nice experience at all we well a little
while later I got really unwell and I
was going to be so it's noisy out there
I am I was really really unwell later I
couldn't get out Edie
my mum was a single mom she had two
children she had to work and she thought
that my boyfriend would be okay to come
and look after me now
so he didn't look after me my like my
mom she bought anything like that was
going on there's no way she let him stay
I must point out I was so innocent when
I was at this age I mean I'll still play
with my dolls when I was 12 I wasn't
writing to make off it was nothing like
that I was so innocent so there's no way
my mom would have thought anything
untoward was going on about I was really
ill he would come round and he would run
sets and I wouldn't but he would do it
anyway and it was really an awful week I
think I just must have blocked it from
my mind I didn't remember it for years I
remember I must have been about 19 or 20
I was driving my car full of Sun this
memory just came flooding back I pulled
the car over and I cried and I think
that's the first time I realized like
how powerful our mind is and how good it
is at just completely forgetting
something because I thought how could I
forget something like this this is huge
how could I forget it but I happened my
mind had blocked it it was really weird
because I cried not because they're
happening to me but it was almost like I
was looking on and it had happened to
another young girl and I felt really bad
for this other girl even if it was me if
that makes sense
um I did talk to my mom that air leaves
when I talk to my therapist about it but
I never actually had any trauma focused
therapy so I'm going to be completely
honest with you guys
in fact that I never had therapy and
it's one issue that I have not overcome
and I will kind of explain that in a
I am when I first got with the guy the
BPD list always be like Oh desperately
wanted a relationship and I really
wanted to hold on to them hi baby
no baby babe did you take your son out
darlin that tall doesn't shut properly
now that Lahti crying at the door oh
look at her little face oh my baby
daddy's got them it's okay so I'd get
into a relationship and I was never
worried about having sex if I didn't
feel awkward I was just at him you know
the first baby like this is amazing and
um it was fine but when I got
emotionally attached something would
happen and I would just like I have
difficulty being intimate and this is
something that I still do struggle with
and the way it comes out in me is if I
understood in the kitchen when my
partner comes to cuddle me it's like my
brain immediately says it's one sex and
so I push him away and if we go to sit
and watch a film on the telly or
something and we sat there
I feel like anxiety in my stomach like
he's gonna try and jump me and I don't
want to do it no no I've got a headache
I've got a tummy ache I'm tired
any excuse but then I can start thinking
if I he's not getting it from me he'll
get it somewhere else so then I will
have sex but then I resent him for it
and I feel angry at myself and it's
but on the other side of it I often find
our have that anxiety beforehand but
then if we have sex obviously it's not
traumatic because I'm not reliving that
and so after I just feel like this
weight has been lifted off my shoulders
it's dumb I've done here I got through
okay he's now not going to be on at me
cuz it's over
and uhm and I can just feel like he just
wants it all the time which he'd
probably doesn't as much has always
seemed to think in my head every little
thing if he looks at me and I do you
know what I know it's because I never
had trauma focused therapy I never did
anything help with this and the reason I
didn't was the BPD like destroyed my
life so much and I threw myself into
recovery from that and it was amazing
recovery from that is so amazing so for
me this little issue with oh not really
wanting sex a lot that was that's not
like ruining my life but obviously
probably a few spent time father he
would be like yeah you need a little
help there be yes I'm doing a video that
two little faces poking through the door
Oh little monkeys so um yeah I I la I
never suffered I didn't have any post
traumatic stress disorder on with her um
I didn't suffer the intrusive thoughts I
don't have flashbacks it's nothing like
but I do still have anxiety around it
and I still can like I said I have
difficulty with being intimate so what
would my advice do you be bearing in
mind that this isn't something that I've
just overcome it's one of the things I
haven't really I would say don't do what
I did
don't just leave it because if you just
try to suppress air and not think about
it and forget it ever happened
it will come out in other ways um so how
do you tweet it will this Talmer focused
EMDR I don't know if any of you've heard
of that that's eye movement a deep
desensitization reprocessing massive
iron movement desensitization
reprocessing now I think it's fairly new
but I've been hearing a lot about here
and it's like specifically for Toma and
I don't exactly know how you work with a
therapist that specializes in it and
it's something to do with they make
movements with the hands and you follow
it with your eyes and it taps into the
part of your brain that stores that
traumatic memory and it can remove that
now I don't know loads about it but all
the things I had like have heard are
really positive my people have found it
life-changing and other ones are
cognitive processing therapy again I
don't know enough about it and then
there is prolonged exposure therapy as
well now all these therapies are about
kind of facing it head-on and not
avoiding what's happened if you were
someone that has kind of suffered this
you've got to know it's not your fault
to start with don't blame yourself
I know I used to like go on these
websites where you'd hear women talking
about their experience and how they
overcame it and the one thing that kind
of seemed to come up a lot was people
getting into either like spirituality
meditation like keeping it in the now
there's a book power of now by Eckhart
Tolle people listening to him on YouTube
some people through prayer prayer and
and if some people have found like if if
you can and you go to the police and for
what has happened you don't have to keep
it quiet and like yeah be ashamed and
just think it's some secret because it's
okay you can you should tell someone and
again talk to a therapist talk talk talk
get it out tell them how you're feeling
if you want to cry cry and now I guess
the one thing I did used to do I did
used to talk to my therapist about this
Yolanda but um I didn't actually do any
that specific tour my focus therapy
which I like I said applause I should
have done it and you know what who knows
maybe one day I will do it and if I do I
will keep you guys in the loop and let
you know how it's going it's just I just
always feel like I've just got so much
going on we don't all loads of us do but
for me my main thing was the VPD and
like I said I didn't see this as a big
thing but it does still impact my life
because had I had treatment all that
time maybe every time my partner went to
hug me I wouldn't push him away so I'm
gonna leave that video there guys it was
a not very nice subject to talk about I
must point out that also after so
quickly that just cause it affected me
like difficulty with intimacy I'm
pushing away and avoiding sex that you
might not have that experience everyone
is completely different
there were like I was reading about
women that went the opposite way and
actually we're even more promiscuous
and I mean I I have got a lot more
information in my book but um yeah it
affects everyone differently I that was
just my experience round there and I
would say you don't have to suffer
there is therapy out there speak to your
doctor I get referred to someone and
yeah I'm gonna leave that there my
lovelies but I'll be back in the week I
love you let's bye
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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