Today I discuss 4 different topics in one video. 1st: Feeling ashamed and embarassed after an outburst. 2nd @ 7.50 mins: My recovery experience – how I was then to how I am now. 3rd @ 17.45 mins: Partners dealing with a jealous bpd partner and 4th @ 22.27mins: Toxic people in our lives.
hello my little fighting warriors I hope you are all well today I'm gonna try and fit in all subjects and into one video because I'm aware I only do one video a week and I get lots of requests so first topic I'm going to talk about it's requested by snark who's not and they asked me about feeling ashamed after an outburst now those of us with BPD know that we can have multiple outbursts on a daily basis but then we kind of get into recovery and everything's going well and we're feeling good and then we have another outburst and I think this is where a lot of the shame and the embarrassment comes from because prior to learning about ourselves and understanding borderline and being aware prior to that we're kind of pretty much unaware we fly off the handle we have these massive outbursts where we go mad but we kind of think it's everyone else because we don't know what's going on for us we don't understand we're really confused but then we start learning about ourselves and becoming self-aware and self-awareness is wonderful in the fact that that's how we recover first of all we have to become self-aware and start recognizing when these traits start popping up in us so it is wonderful and it is a vital part of recovery but with it it kind of messes up up here because we're really aware of how we're behaving so whereas before we could kind of think nothing of it really we come into recovery we have a massive like massive outburst and following that we are so ashamed because we recognize that actually we shouldn't have behaved that way but recovery doesn't just happen like that we're going to still have the outburst and I know that we can feel ashamed but basically when we have those outbursts this part of our brain our prefrontal cortex has shut down so we're not going to think of the consequences we're not going to think things through rationally we are literally going with our emotional part of our brain and flying off the handle and because of that is kind of we're not in control so it is we can't feel like ashamed and embarrassed I mean we can but we shouldn't because actually something really affected us emotionally and we just reacted and the fact that we feel ashamed and we're embarrassed after shows actually how far we've come because we recognize that now but there is no point in us completely beating ourselves up about it because I used to do it I used to have an outburst and then feel so crap for days I would drink canoes to numb those feelings and use all those horrid coke coping mechanisms basically to help me get over an outburst but by using these unhealthy coping mechanisms eventually would lead to me having another outburst and so there's really no point in us beating ourselves up we have to kinda give ourselves a pat on the back and say not well done you went mental but well done you've recognized that you behaved in a way that you don't want to behave that's the thing this is the thing we don't want to behave like this and so the fact that we are recognizing it in ourselves and we are kind of feeling too good about it is actually a good thing because I know in the beginning I would have the biggest biggest outburst didn't know like didn't matter where it was who it was in front of I would just completely lose it and I didn't feel bad the next day I would be really angry at all the people or whoever it was that made me lose it because like I said I thought it was everyone else all the time but recovery brings self awareness like I've said and then we get to a point where we have the outburst and we feel bad but we we have to let go of this because this embarrassment this shame isn't productive it's not a good thing it will hold us back so we need to kind of change our thinking and instead of thinking oh my god what did I do I hate myself because here's the thing we hate ourselves anyway we don't need to be beating ourselves up even more so we need to change that thinking and say okay so I've had a blip I've had a setback this is part of recovery and it really is you might go a long time with nothing and here's the thing when we go a long time with nothing and then we have an outburst it's even worse because um it's been so long and we've kind of in that time we feel we're doing so well and then we have this outburst and it really feels like we've just gone right backwards to where we were in the beginning we haven't we haven't recovery is some downs along the way and slowly slowly you'll find there are a lot more ups and a lot less downs to the point where we start becoming really stable believe it or not but yeah I would definitely say don't let it hold you back you've got to let it go learn from it as well kind of thing okay so what happened prior to that outburst because sometimes we think everything's great and then all of a sudden would have an outburst but actually when we look at it in a bit more detail we can see that it was probably building it might have been building for weeks before something was getting at us something wasn't right maybe someone had said something weeks before and we were carrying it around building a little resentment inside of us without even realizing to the point that we explode octa Partners home he's gonna come in so right I am now going to go on to their second video request ah this person didn't want to be named but hello anyway and they wanted me to talk about my experience recovery how different I am now to where I was how it was along the way what I still struggle with today and believe it or not I do still have my struggles but I would discuss them in a minute basically my experience with recovery about where I was and how I am now I feel like a completely different person one I feel I almost feel like a grown-up like four years ago I was still that child I was in what four or five years ago I was in a treatment center for drug addiction and they actually said to me they'd never dealt with anyone like me I was the biggest child I would throw tantrum scream cry storm out like and I don't do that today and I definitely I don't know when it happened but at some point I was like I feel like a grown up little bit and I was thinking about it today because I'm getting my kittens next week I which I'm really excited about and I was thinking oh my god I'm getting a pet I'm a grown-up me too saying that makes me sound not like I'm a grown-up but I definitely do feel it whereas I never did before I always felt like I was that child stuck in an adult's body I was super super sensitive to absolutely everything anyone said to me I would just take it the wrong way I could never the logic couldn't ever control my behaviors because of my emotion so if I felt a certain way I would just lash out don't say hi are you there you've gone that was quick so yeah I literally like I felt I had no control of my behaviors but I didn't I really did back then think it was everyone else do you wanna shut the kitchen door babe that kettles really loud thank you guys and yeah like I've told the story before like when I was a little girl and I had killed some ants and I was absolutely devastated and my mum reminded me actually when I was about 19 I mean I was drunk but there was a moth in the bathroom and he died and I just was hysterical screaming crying throwing like cuz I'm devastated over this goddamn moth I don't do that today I don't take everything personally and people can actually say quite personal things that aren't always nice but I have the ability today to think do you know what that says a lot more about people if people are gonna be really horrid to someone that says a lot more about the person being horrid then it does the person they're being horrid to so I just even if it is personal I just don't take it personally I have learnt so much along the way recovery takes time and like I said it you can feel like you're going back but it doesn't mean you are that is just your journey um having relapses along the way is part of your journey it doesn't mean you're right back to square one and I don't self-harm today I the last time I attempted suicide was just before I went into treatment so that's four or five years ago and and I suppose the best thing for me I can explain it is I just have a sense of calm which I never did nothing was calm there was never any calm in my life everything was always a rollercoaster with massive ups and downs and now I kind of feel like I'm just like just there I'm just there which is nice like I don't have big arguments I don't think everyone's talking about me all the time but I do still suffer with anxiety I can still not all the time but every now and again I can like feel the feel like the feelings like far often I feel like that I then think okay how many coffees have you had today and I workout and think about okay I've had a few more coffees than normal and coffee really does send me a bit whoo so I have to be careful with that um I used to have no routine no like anything no sleeping pattern like I'd be up all night sleeping in the day sometimes I would eat load sometimes I wouldn't eat for days I was drinking I was using drugs I had no balance in my life and all these things actually really helped me like getting these things getting balanced in my life getting routine cutting out the tricks stopping the drugs making sure I eat regularly making sure I get a certain amount of sleep each night that really helps my well-being and this is what helps regulate my emotions I think because I used to not be able to regulate them at all I can still thinking black and white as well my partner lesson I sometimes go weeks and I just I just don't like him but then I don't act on him because I know it's often my thinking and I know I'll come out with it and then often a few weeks I'm like he's not so bad I suppose I've got really laid-back attitude for my relationship now whenever I used to be with someone it was oh my god I loved so much we're gonna be together if we're having a million children and and I'm not like that today I kinda I don't get jealous I don't worry I leave he's gonna leave because my attitude is if he leaves he leaves out stop him and I kind of think everything happens for a reason as well and I like to when things go wrong say well what's the meaning behind that why what happened and other struggles I struggle with intimacy yes I do I am NOT very loving person sound so bad I mean with my kids I really am we huddle all the time we always tell each other each other but with my partner I'm not a kissy person and he actually winds me up he'll go to kiss me and I'm like and I walk off which sounds really bad and he's like who in turn because he knows why he just knows what I'm like and it is something that I do need to work on but I've kind of got so many other things work on and I I don't feel I'm missing anything like I don't I don't mind not being intimate I just I'm happy and I'm content and that suits me and and we can kinda laugh about it it's not an issue as such that I know of I'm sure he would love me to be more into batchly so that's a gly is um I'm sure it is an issue but I just kind of feel I'm juggling so many books at the moment trying to do so many things it's hard to get everything right all the time but yes like I've just told you there is um I can still have my struggles but they don't completely floor me and leave me like acting out or using an idiot and a healthy coping mechanisms because I just don't feel I need to because I am actually really happy I don't really like I said I'm happy and I'm content okay so I'm going to go on to the third subject quickly and it is about jealous partners because I've had a lovely young man messaged me about his partner recently and is actually a message target from lots of guys and gals and about their partner with BPD who is super jealous now I used to be like this wanting to check up on his phone or need to check the email stalking them following them trying to put words into their mouth so I could catch them out and they're like but I didn't say that like you said yes if we're walking down the street you like her you like her like it was non-stop but here's the thing I know is really painful for partners trust me when I say it's it's not nice for us living with that jealousy is really painful we walk around with that knot and our stomach feeling sick and it is that fear of abandonment which is at the core of BPD we fear people believe us now no matter how much you reassure us that you're not going to leave us you're not going to cheat on us you're not going back with your ex you're not looking at other girls and Instagram whatever you say we still have that core trait fear of abandonment it's still there so we're still gonna think that you're lying you are going back to your ex you are looking at other girls on Instagram and it literally just sends us completely crazy it's really really horrid horrid thing to live with I could get it in my head that a partner was cheating and it would feel so real to me I would attack them and go completely crazy at them just because I had a thought in my head I could have had a dream that they cheated on me and I would wake up the next day and go completely mad at them because I dreamt they're cheated on me and I was like this for so many years and literally the jealousy would eat me up from inside now no matter how much like I said you reassure us we do still think you are going to be cheating and the only way we can kind of overcome that is if we get recovery for the BPD we do like a therapy like dialectical behavioral therapy we learn new coping mechanisms we learn how to regulate our emotions and with recovery comes he's looking through the window and put me officer and with recovery our self-esteem grows and when because this is the thing that's another part of BPD not only do we have that fear of abandonment we also have a really unstable or unclear self-image and we just don't like ourselves and if we don't like ourselves how can we expect other people to like us so definitely learning new coping skills regulating our emotions learning to grow our self esteem all these things do help for partners I would suggest putting boundaries in place I have done a video I think it's in my family for family and loved ones playlist about boundaries and how beneficial they can be reassuring your partner as well is a good thing don't think because I've said no amount of reassuring will assure them still reassure them because we do need to hear that we need to feel loved we need to like if for example you're like for god sakes I'm not having this conversation again and I know partners can get like that because they're just so sick and tired of listening to us go on and on and on but that kind of really invalidates how feelings like it means nothing and we kind of do need you to understand why we're feeling this way know that actually you can't stop us feeling this way to reassure us but at the same time please carry on reassuring us but yeah the person with BPD that jealous partner does need to get help for the borderline and do therapy and skills and build their self-esteem and now I'm going to talk about my final subject which is toxic people because you hear about it a lot what is a toxic person the thing is a lot of toxic people can be disguised as our friends and what was it I read somewhere don't um is it don't lie if you're looking at a friend completely I know what I want to say and I can't put it into what do you know basically like a lot of friends can be there for us when times are hard so when things are going really bad for us and maybe partners left us we've lost our job we're really depressed people can run around but do those same people support us and are happy for us when things are going good in our life because toxic people are often there are you all right you poor thing when things are going bad but when things are going good in your life they start trying to point out all the negatives and kind of time a little backhanded comments to knock us down because they like it when we're down when we wrap it doesn't suit them so much so that is definitely like one kind of toxic person I mean if you're doing really well you've got a new job you've got a new partner he's your friend right oh my god I'm so whew that's amazing you really deserve this gray or are they like two nodes and I fell I can usually doing the right thing or I I think your last job was better than this one and look out for it because there are a lot of people like that a wolf in sheep's clothing and other toxic people are just the negative Nellie's of the worlds everything's doom and gloom and they talk badly about everyone behind their back now I don't talk about people behind their back like I might say something nice but I would never start saying this horrid things about people I mean years ago I probably did but I don't know I wouldn't just go around saying nasty things about another person if someone had done something to upset me I would talk to them about it and I would resolve the situation in that way I certainly wouldn't say but not say anything to them but going bad mail them to loads of other people because there are some people that just want to talk badly about everyone and it's not good for us to be hearing it especially if we are trying to be positive we do not need people dragging us down with their negativity so if they are if you have someone in your life that is pumping negativity at you get and throw it out the window because you don't need that rounding you really don't and we don't I mean we have enough stuff to be negative about we don't need other people adding to it I am going to leave that there today guys because I'm aware talk for 26 minutes but I hope you have a wonderful weekend and I will be back next week love to [Music]
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.