Today I discuss 4 different topics in one video. 1st: Feeling ashamed and embarassed after an outburst. 2nd @ 7.50 mins: My recovery experience – how I was then to how I am now. 3rd @ 17.45 mins: Partners dealing with a jealous bpd partner and 4th @ 22.27mins: Toxic people in our lives.

hello my little fighting warriors I hope
you are all well today I'm gonna try and
fit in all subjects and into one video
because I'm aware I only do one video a
week and I get lots of requests so first
topic I'm going to talk about it's
requested by snark who's not and they
asked me about feeling ashamed after an
outburst now those of us with BPD know
that we can have multiple outbursts on a
daily basis but then we kind of get into
recovery and everything's going well and
we're feeling good and then we have
another outburst and I think this is
where a lot of the shame and the
embarrassment comes from because prior
to learning about ourselves and
understanding borderline and being aware
prior to that we're kind of pretty much
unaware we fly off the handle we have
these massive outbursts where we go mad
but we kind of think it's everyone else
because we don't know what's going on
for us we don't understand we're really
confused but then we start learning
about ourselves and becoming self-aware
and self-awareness is wonderful in the
fact that that's how we recover first of
all we have to become self-aware and
start recognizing when these traits
start popping up in us so it is
wonderful and it is a vital part of
recovery but with it it kind of messes
up up here because we're really aware of
how we're behaving so whereas before we
could kind of think nothing of it really
we come into recovery we have a massive
like massive outburst and following that
we are so ashamed because we recognize
that actually we shouldn't have behaved
that way but recovery doesn't just
happen like that we're going to still
have the outburst and I know that we can
feel ashamed but basically when we have
those outbursts this part of our brain
our prefrontal cortex has shut down so
we're not going to think of the
consequences we're not going to think
things through rationally we are
literally going with our emotional part
of our brain and flying off the handle
and because of that is kind of we're not
in control so it is we can't feel like
ashamed and embarrassed I mean we can
but we shouldn't because actually
something really affected us emotionally
and we just reacted and the fact that we
feel ashamed and we're embarrassed after
shows actually how far we've come
because we recognize that now but there
is no point in us completely beating
ourselves up about it because I used to
do it I used to have an outburst and
then feel so crap for days I would drink
canoes to numb those feelings and use
all those horrid coke coping mechanisms
basically to help me get over an
outburst but by using these unhealthy
coping mechanisms eventually would lead
to me having another outburst and so
there's really no point in us beating
ourselves up we have to kinda give
ourselves a pat on the back and say not
well done you went
mental but well done you've recognized
that you behaved in a way that you don't
want to behave that's the thing this is
the thing we don't want to behave like
this and so the fact that we are
recognizing it in ourselves and we are
kind of feeling too good about it is
actually a good thing because I know in
the beginning I would have the biggest
biggest outburst didn't know like didn't
matter where it was who it was in front
of I would just completely lose it and I
didn't feel bad the next day I would be
really angry at all the people or
whoever it was that made me lose it
because like I said I thought it was
everyone else all the time but recovery
brings self awareness like I've said and
then we get to a point where we have the
outburst and we feel bad but we we have
to let go of this because this
embarrassment this shame isn't
productive it's not a good thing it will
hold us back so we need to kind of
change our thinking and instead of
thinking oh my god what did I do I hate
myself because here's the thing we hate
ourselves anyway we don't need to be
beating ourselves up even more so we
need to change that thinking and say
okay so I've had a blip I've had a
setback this is part of recovery and it
really is you might go a long time with
nothing and here's the thing when we go
a long time with nothing and then we
have an outburst it's even worse because
um it's been so long and we've kind of
in that time we feel we're doing so well
and then we have this outburst and it
really feels like we've just gone right
backwards to where we were in the
we haven't we haven't recovery is some
downs along the way and slowly slowly
you'll find there are a lot more ups and
a lot less downs to the point where we
start becoming really stable believe it
or not but yeah I would definitely say
don't let it hold you back you've got to
let it go
learn from it as well kind of thing okay
so what happened prior to that outburst
because sometimes we think everything's
great and then all of a sudden would
have an outburst but actually when we
look at it in a bit more detail we can
see that it was probably building it
might have been building for weeks
before something was getting at us
something wasn't right maybe someone had
said something weeks before and we were
carrying it around building a little
resentment inside of us without even
realizing to the point that we explode
octa Partners home he's gonna come in so
right I am now going to go on to their
second video request ah this person
didn't want to be named but hello anyway
and they wanted me to talk about my
experience recovery how different I am
now to where I was how it was along the
way what I still struggle with today and
believe it or not I do still have my
struggles but I would discuss them in a
basically my experience with recovery
about where I was and how I am now I
feel like a completely different person
one I feel I almost feel like a grown-up
like four years ago I was still that
child I was in what four or five years
ago I was in a treatment center for drug
addiction and they actually said to me
they'd never dealt with anyone like me I
was the biggest child I would throw
scream cry storm out like and I don't do
that today and I definitely I don't know
when it happened but at some point I was
like I feel like a grown up little bit
and I was thinking about it today
because I'm getting my kittens next week
I which I'm really excited about and I
was thinking oh my god I'm getting a pet
I'm a grown-up
me too saying that makes me sound not
like I'm a grown-up but I definitely do
feel it whereas I never did before I
always felt like I was that child stuck
in an adult's body I was super super
sensitive to absolutely everything
anyone said to me I would just take it
the wrong way
I could never the logic couldn't ever
control my behaviors because of my
emotion so if I felt a certain way I
would just lash out don't say hi are you
there you've gone that was quick so yeah
I literally like I felt I had no control
of my behaviors but I didn't I really
did back then think it was everyone else
do you wanna shut the kitchen door babe
that kettles really loud thank you guys
and yeah like I've told the story before
like when I was a little girl and I had
killed some ants and I was absolutely
devastated and my mum reminded me
actually when I was about 19 I mean I
was drunk
but there was a moth in the bathroom and
he died and I just was hysterical
screaming crying throwing like
cuz I'm devastated over this goddamn
moth I don't do that today I don't take
everything personally and people can
actually say quite personal things that
aren't always nice but I have the
ability today to think do you know what
that says a lot more about people if
people are gonna be really horrid to
someone that says a lot more about the
person being horrid then it does the
person they're being horrid to so I just
even if it is personal I just don't take
it personally I have learnt so much
along the way recovery takes time and
like I said it you can feel like you're
going back but it doesn't mean you are
that is just your journey um having
relapses along the way is part of your
journey it doesn't mean you're right
back to square one and I don't self-harm
today I the last time I attempted
suicide was just before I went into
treatment so that's four or five years
ago and and I suppose the best thing for
me I can explain it is I just have a
sense of calm which I never did nothing
was calm there was never any calm in my
life everything was always a
rollercoaster with massive ups and downs
and now I kind of feel like I'm just
like just there I'm just there which is
nice like I don't have big arguments
I don't think everyone's talking about
me all the time but I do still suffer
with anxiety I can still not all the
time but every now and again I can like
feel the feel like the feelings like far
I feel like that I then think okay how
many coffees have you had today and I
workout and think about okay I've had a
few more coffees than normal and coffee
really does send me a bit whoo
so I have to be careful with that um I
used to have no routine no like anything
no sleeping pattern like I'd be up all
night sleeping in the day sometimes I
would eat load sometimes I wouldn't eat
for days I was drinking I was using
drugs I had no balance in my life and
all these things actually really helped
me like getting these things getting
balanced in my life getting routine
cutting out the tricks
stopping the drugs making sure I eat
regularly making sure I get a certain
amount of sleep each night that really
helps my well-being and this is what
helps regulate my emotions I think
because I used to not be able to
regulate them at all
I can still thinking black and white as
well my partner lesson I sometimes go
weeks and I just I just don't like him
but then I don't act on him because I
know it's often my thinking and I know
I'll come out with it and then often a
few weeks I'm like he's not so bad I
suppose I've got really laid-back
attitude for my relationship now
whenever I used to be with someone it
was oh my god I loved so much we're
gonna be together if we're having a
million children and and I'm not like
that today I kinda I don't get jealous
I don't worry I leave he's gonna leave
because my attitude is if he leaves he
leaves out
stop him and I kind of think everything
happens for a reason as well and I like
to when things go wrong say well what's
the meaning behind that
why what happened and other struggles I
struggle with intimacy yes I do I am NOT
very loving person
sound so bad I mean with my kids I
really am we huddle all the time we
always tell each other each other but
with my partner I'm not a kissy person
and he actually winds me up he'll go to
kiss me and I'm like and I walk off
which sounds really bad and he's like
who in turn because he knows why he just
knows what I'm like and it is something
that I do need to work on but I've kind
of got so many other things work on and
I I don't feel I'm missing anything like
I don't I don't mind not being intimate
I just I'm happy and I'm content and
that suits me and and we can kinda laugh
about it it's not an issue as such that
I know of I'm sure he would love me to
be more into batchly so that's a gly is
um I'm sure it is an issue but I just
kind of feel I'm juggling so many books
at the moment trying to do so many
things it's hard to get everything right
all the time but yes like I've just told
you there is um I can still have my
struggles but they don't completely
floor me and leave me like acting out or
using an idiot and a healthy coping
mechanisms because I just don't feel I
need to because I am actually really
happy I don't really like I said I'm
happy and I'm content
okay so I'm going to go on to the third
subject quickly and it is about jealous
partners because I've had a lovely young
man messaged me about his partner
recently and is actually a message
target from lots of guys and gals and
about their partner with BPD who is
super jealous now I used to be like this
wanting to check up on his phone or need
to check the email stalking them
following them trying to put words into
their mouth so I could catch them out
and they're like but I didn't say that
like you said yes if we're walking down
the street you like her you like her
like it was non-stop but here's the
thing I know is really painful for
partners trust me when I say it's it's
not nice for us living with that
jealousy is really painful we walk
around with that knot and our stomach
feeling sick and it is that fear of
abandonment which is at the core of BPD
we fear people believe us now no matter
how much you reassure us that you're not
going to leave us
you're not going to cheat on us you're
not going back with your ex you're not
looking at other girls and Instagram
whatever you say we still have that core
trait fear of abandonment it's still
there so we're still gonna think that
you're lying you are going back to your
ex you are looking at other girls on
Instagram and it literally just sends us
completely crazy it's really really
horrid horrid thing to live with I could
get it in my head that a partner was
cheating and it would feel so real to me
I would attack them and go completely
crazy at them just because I had a
thought in my head I could have had a
dream that they cheated on me and I
would wake up the next day and go
completely mad at them because I dreamt
they're cheated on me and I was like
this for so many years and literally the
jealousy would eat me up from inside
now no matter how much like I said you
reassure us we do still think you are
going to be cheating and the only way we
can kind of overcome that is if we get
recovery for the BPD we do like a
therapy like dialectical behavioral
therapy we learn new coping mechanisms
we learn how to regulate our emotions
and with recovery comes he's looking
through the window and put me officer
and with recovery our self-esteem grows
and when because this is the thing
that's another part of BPD not only do
we have that fear of abandonment we also
have a really unstable or unclear
self-image and we just don't like
ourselves and if we don't like ourselves
how can we expect other people to like
us so definitely learning new coping
skills regulating our emotions learning
to grow our self esteem all these things
do help for partners I would suggest
putting boundaries in place I have done
a video I think it's in my family for
family and loved ones playlist about
boundaries and how beneficial they can
be reassuring your partner as well is a
good thing don't think because I've said
no amount of reassuring will assure them
still reassure them because we do need
to hear that we need to feel loved we
need to like if for example you're like
for god sakes I'm not having this
conversation again and I know partners
can get like that because they're just
so sick and tired of listening to us go
on and on and on but that kind of really
invalidates how feelings like it means
nothing and we kind of do need you to
understand why we're feeling this way
know that actually you can't stop us
feeling this way
to reassure us but at the same time
please carry on reassuring us but yeah
the person with BPD that jealous partner
does need to get help for the borderline
and do therapy and skills and build
their self-esteem and now I'm going to
talk about my final subject which is
toxic people because you hear about it a
lot what is a toxic person the thing is
a lot of toxic people can be disguised
as our friends and what was it I read
somewhere don't um is it don't lie if
you're looking at a friend completely I
know what I want to say and I can't put
it into what do you know basically like
a lot of friends can be there for us
when times are hard so when things are
going really bad for us and maybe
partners left us we've lost our job
we're really depressed people can run
around but do those same people support
us and are happy for us when things are
going good in our life because toxic
people are often there are you all right
you poor thing when things are going bad
but when things are going good in your
life they start trying to point out all
the negatives and kind of time a little
backhanded comments to knock us down
because they like it when we're down
when we wrap it doesn't suit them so
much so that is definitely like one kind
of toxic person I mean if you're doing
really well you've got a new job you've
got a new partner
he's your friend right oh my god I'm so
whew that's amazing you really deserve
this gray or are they like two nodes and
I fell I can usually doing the right
thing or I I think your last job was
better than this one and look out for it
because there are a lot of people like
that a wolf in sheep's clothing and
other toxic people are just the negative
Nellie's of the worlds everything's doom
and gloom and they talk badly about
everyone behind their back now I don't
talk about people behind their back like
I might say something nice but I would
never start saying this horrid things
about people I mean years ago I probably
did but I don't know I wouldn't just go
around saying nasty things about another
person if someone had done something to
upset me I would talk to them about it
and I would resolve the situation in
that way I certainly wouldn't say but
not say anything to them but going bad
mail them to loads of other people
because there are some people that just
want to talk badly about everyone and
it's not good for us to be hearing it
especially if we are trying to be
positive we do not need people dragging
us down with their negativity so if they
are if you have someone in your life
that is pumping negativity at you get
and throw it out the window
because you don't need that rounding you
really don't and we don't I mean we have
enough stuff to be negative about we
don't need other people adding to it I
am going to leave that there today guys
because I'm aware talk for 26 minutes
but I hope you have a wonderful weekend
and I will be back next week
love to
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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