Today I try to answer a question from a subscriber – what signs might appear in a child who goes on to get diagnosed with BPD.

hi my lovelies welcome back to my
uh today i'm doing a video request from
alicia paul hi alicia
uh lisa mentioned to me
um the fact that i mentioned in my
videos that if i had to predict one of
children would grow up and have bpd i
i always say my nine-year-old son kian
and i've
kind of explained he's super sensitive
but alicia was asking are there other
in children
so it kind of got me thinking i was
thinking back to
when i was little um
i was thinking of
kian and what other kind of things he's
got going on and
a few of them i was like oh well that's
a vpd trait that's a bpd so then i went
through the vpd traits
and i started doing it that way um
we must remember that bpd
is a biosocial disorder it's
heart biology um
part environment um
we know a lot of like i think it's
something like 70
it's really high uh
of people with bpd suffered abuse or
some kind of trauma in childhood
uh obviously there's the other thirty
maybe they had one thing happen maybe
they just had bpd
as a child and they were super sensitive
and parents don't know how to deal with
so maybe they were invalidating oh like
just get over it you'll be fine or it's
not a big deal or
what do we do when we're super sensitive
how do we react
often we react like in anger
and that is something that keon does
he'll be upset and he'll just kick off
in like real rage so most parents
they might not have been bad bad like
parents but
if a child has this dpd
and they're super sensitive and they
react in rage and every time they do
the parents tell them off for that
again it's invalidating they don't know
how to react because they don't
understand how they're feeling their
children we don't understand a lot of
the time how we're feeling
so i started going through like the
and i thought okay like the
unstable emotions yes kian has
really unstable emotions and
he tonight is a fine example
and a fine example of me invalidating
him actually so i will be honest with
and i didn't even think oh let me tell
you the story this is what happened
he's been laughing he's been joking he
was playing a computer game with his
friend he was
laughing with his sister he's gone
upstairs to bed
i read to lottie i went in i read
to eason and i came to read to keon
and he was like i don't want a story i
went why
well we always because we're reading
harry potter we're on the fifth book and
we're near the
end and i'm like come on with this like
because book five and harry potter's
huge is the biggest one
and um i was like come on we're near the
end we've got to get through
it and usually i stroke his back while
ha i read to him and he no
just stop in i said well are you going
to tell me what's wrong
and so i went all right fine don't tell
me then
you sit with that okay because
this is what he does every time he gets
upset i say what's the matter what's the
matter nothing nothing i'm not telling
you nothing nothing
um and so tonight i was feeling tired i
was feeling ratty lottie has not
listened to me at all today
and so i was like fine okay i said but
don't be calling me in a few minutes and
saying actually i do want a story
and he was like i'm fine fine so i
walked out i said good night
mimi was doing a homework i came
downstairs and i was like right i need
to do a video
let me go back through some of my video
requests and i saw the one on children
and i started thinking about it and then
i was thinking
like invalidating just saying to a kid
like fine
i thought i've just done that
so i put the phone down i went upstairs
and um he'd kicked all the covers off
his bed was just lying there
like in the mood and i just
lay down and i hugged him and he tried
to fight me off
but i just hoped him and um
and then the cat came and started like
trying to scratch me because the cat
wanted attention that made him laugh
and that's all he needed he just wanted
that hog
um nice stroking his hair and
then he was he was fine i said you're
gonna sleep now i tucked him in got all
covers off the floor and he said yeah i
will night
i was like i love you he said i love you
too that was what he needed but i didn't
do that earlier i was like do you know
what fine don't tell me
i don't even know why i ask you because
you never tell me that's fine night
and that was i don't know how so
and i'm telling you that because i try
to be a nice parent
but when you're dealing with a child
i suppose i recognize myself from him as
and and i
what frustrates me is like i know if he
he will feel better but he won't talk
and then i just get irritated because
i'm like
well if i can't help you no one can help
you i don't i don't say that
but that's like how i feel and it's
really frustrating so i can understand
like if a child
and i understand bpd and i've done this
um so you can understand like parents
that have
no clue what bpd is they just have a
who they think is just naughty and
playing up all the time they don't
realize actually
they have a child that hurts really
easily and this is how they react
and so the parent will tell them off and
then feel like i'm always telling you
off they're so naughty
and it's not that at all um
so yeah like tonight kian was laughing
meltdown and
so the unstable emotions
uh sometimes i'm like
he'll just like go off into his own
little world and i have started
wondering like
could he be dissociating and i spoke
to the doctor about it because he seems
uh he did something really strange
someone one of his um the mums called
him was like kiki
kian and kean just like looked up at the
and he went yeah and he was looking at
the sky like someone was up there
and then he just walked off and the mom
was like she looked at her daughter and
because i spoke to her later and she was
it was just really odd and so he there's
been a few times he just seems to kind
go off and i'm wondering if that is a
little sign of dissociating
i don't know um i he doesn't really seem
to be aware
that he does it um
another thing he does is
so sometimes like he'll be really just
sad and quiet and and i'll say
like what's going on tell me what do you
it's like nothing i just feel absolutely
and then for me that reminds me of when
you feel like
just nothing like it's hard is that
you feel empty you actually feel empty
i suppose some of the things that these
a child could say if they say something
that just
seems odd like they want to die
um or they want to hurt themselves and
keon has
said before i feel like throwing myself
down the stairs um
so again that's another thing he has
punched walls
really head butt walls to hurt himself
to the point he's had a nosebleed
which is like i don't know if it's just
the anger
he wants to hurt himself it's like an
early form of self-harm
um so then again that's another
box so we've done dissociation um
the unstable emotion impulsivity
uh obviously he doesn't go out drink
driving or anything like that
but he can just he just reacts
um like i've seen him
before like when he was young as well
in the park and he's throwing a fit and
he's just run off and just
like like not thought it's getting dark
and i should be close to my mom he's
reacted uh and acted really impulsively
the way he can
react it's uh
i would say sometimes
the way he reacts to something really
um it seems like whoa
what where did that come from like a
huge reaction and i know that
i know that because sometimes i would
be like that and people are like
what the hell just happened like nothing
bad really happened
but to me it was huge and it really hurt
me and i reacted
in a massive way and he he does that as
so it's like this huge reaction to
the outside world it seems small but i
know to him
how that feels um
and i suppose this is like i do
understand that
so i don't say oh you're overreacting
but parent that wouldn't understand bpd
might say that or you're just
overreacting and it's not overreacting
that that's really intense feeling um
that's the other one intense emotions
when he's happy he's just so happy
uh but when he's sad he's so sad
or so angry it's it's the intensity of
it um the fear of abandonment
i'm having that one person really close
uh so when he's got to he sees
his dad every other week in holiday
long period of time like his dad like
half holiday with his dad half with me
he is quiet when i'm going to drop him
i can see he's really bothered like he
doesn't want to be leaving me
and questioning when will i be back when
will i be back
like he just wants to get back to me but
once he's at his dad he has a fantastic
time he absolutely loves it
and then he gets like that with his dad
he doesn't want to leave his dad
he doesn't want to come back because he
and he gets quiet and he won't talk to
his dad like when he
his dad's doing the drive he won't talk
he'll just sit there in silence it's
like a real tear like he's being torn
and he just can't bear it um
and it's like having that intense
relationship like where you you don't
want to leave the person
because in case they go i don't like i i
i don't know it's that but that's how it
i'm trying to think there's the
explosive anger
yes can we but the thing is
of all the kids keon is like
he's just a dream really uh
like he's he's never rude or
not he's like got not got a spiteful
bone in his body
um which i then worry about because i
think he's
could be easily picked on or bullied at
school uh but like i said i'm like
he does have a good group of friends
around him
but yeah i do i worry about that
um so hang on they're really bound to my
explosive anger
unstable emotions
impulsivity self-harm
dissociation going through either in
case of this
but basically you can see like
all these little things this is from a
young age and this is exactly how i was
and i was seen as often the naughty kid
and i was the one that if i got in
trouble at school
that i would storm out the classroom and
it was because i was
so hurt especially if i hadn't really
done anything that bad
well i don't think like i was just
talking and i got
shamed in front of the whole class that
would um
really bother me and i know that's
happened with keane at school as well
um where the teachers had said i've like
i kind of
just didn't even really like have a go
but i kind of said can you just keep it
and he just freaked out really crying
ran out the class and the teacher had to
go after him and calm him down
because he was so upset and it just
brought me
back because that's exactly how i was
um i suppose the good thing is
like not just for me but for you guys as
well because if you're watching my
you'll know as much as me now about bpd
and if we can recognize these little
things we can
do something to help our child
um teach them
little skills on self-soothing
um get them into meditation
um like i know we didn't we haven't done
it for the past couple of days
um but i told you last time where we did
it and little lottie
said that her belly felt good and we all
cracked up laughing
um but we can get our children into
these kind of things
so they have these skills there
because i recognize it in kiam don't
like i said don't think i don't get it
wrong i did earlier
i was in a grumpy mood and i just came
when actually he's nine and he just
wanted a heart well he
he didn't he was fighting me off but i
forced a hug
on him and he calmed and i know that
works with him and then i was like i
could have just done that earlier
just but instead i started saying
fine okay fine and if you don't want to
help i'm not here to help you
and i got it so wrong but thank goodness
i went up because
otherwise if he if i'd gone up and he
was asleep
i would have had that girl all night
like i don't think i'd have slept that
easily or i wouldn't have slept very
because i'd just been thinking he went
to sleep on those horrid feelings
um but luckily he wasn't lucky i didn't
leave it very long
thank you alicia for your video request
because it really kind of
got me thinking and i went straight back
up to him
and but yeah it doesn't mean we get it
right especially like if we kind of have
our own issues as well
uh but communication is key and i mean
even keon
knows some things about bpd uh i might
start teaching him a bit
more about it now he's i mean he's
really smart kid
he's so clever um
yeah i think like with children
is the same as adults like
therapy wise like but just in an
age-appropriate way so you could still
do dbt
teaching him ways to manage his emotions
i know he gets super
upset if he's tired like i
know there will be a meltdown if he has
one late night
the next day i am guaranteed
a complete freak out and i know that
so as a parent i tell him you have to go
to bed early and he hates it
um but i do it because
i i know he needs sleep to help manage
his emotions
that's obviously only one little part of
it just
thinking oh he got an early night he
shouldn't feel like this
it's not going to work but yeah i would
definitely say
like look at the dvt skills the
emotional regulation
uh i suppose interpersonal effectiveness
yes i was going to say no but yes but it
really has to kind of be
for his age for his age group
so all of them distress tolerance
teaching him
how to self-soothe how to distract
because he's not going to know
i say he like he she he your child
basically but we can still use the skill
like the adult skills but just make them
and a bit fun
maybe to get them into it i mean oh man
if i had been taught these skills like
as a child my teens might have been so
much easier
but obviously we didn't even know i had
we i am like we did hadn't heard a
borderline personality disorder so
look i'm literally going to hit the 20
minute mark so i'm going to love you
and leave you i put post on recovery
mom instagram and my recovery mum
facebook page about the new sex and
mental health
series i'm sorry about the butt in the
mirror picture
i really try to like tone it down with a
big filter and stuff
um but i thought
we'll make it fun as well um because
actually it's not it's not subject like
this isn't something i've done before
and i can be quite prude actually and
i'm like
prude not rude
but i think this could be good just to
have this chat like all different
sex topics relating to mental health um
so yeah so i put that up earlier uh
it the first one will be out on
thursday the 12th of november so
on my channel obviously so guys i'm
gonna love you and leave you
and i will be back at the end of the
week and
live streaming at the weekend i did hope
if i manage to
in the week i will i just can't
100 guarantee uh
this week next week might be different
because i do want to start checking in
with you guys more
regularly live for now
till bpd tribe is up because once that's
up i'm thinking we could be doing group
therapies like just
together light on zoom light and keep it
to a certain
number of people um and do that
so everyone can if you want to be seen
you can you don't have to be
but it means we'll have that little safe
place where we can all
actually chat um rather than
me just chatting livestream and new
messaging so that should be quite cool
but i've got to
have a think about it guys gonna love
you and leave you and i'll be back at
the end of the week
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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