hi my lovelies - anyone who's new
welcome my name is Serena and I'm in
recovery from drug addiction and
borderline personality disorder so
that's kind of what I focus on in this
channel I have a book out called the big
book on borderline personality disorder
I think the best price you can get it at
is on Amazon so if you have a look on
there you will find it ok so guys you
know I'm down to one video a week I have
a website that is aimed at people with
BPD and their loved ones that is ready
to launch this month there's just a few
things I need to do and because I'm
doing that I can only do one video a
week probably really well so I know I
have got a lot of video requests by
promise you I will get round to doing
them just right now I need to kind of
focus on this today I'm gonna do a video
because well I just so basically I was
in my car there's a new song out there's
a new somehow it's called sweetville
psycho by evil max if you haven't heard
it put it into YouTube and have a listen
I loved song I was in my car the other
day and driving along dog said Anna I
thought came in my head and then went
out really really quickly
and that thought was I wonder if any of
my exes they hear this and think of me
thought gone nothing of it didn't think
of it again that night I was in my
kitchen had a lecture on playing
sweepers psycho my ex came around to see
the children he heard the song and he
said to me whenever this song comes on
in the car I think of you why do women
with BPD get classed as being psycho why
I don't believe we are psycho but I also
know there is no smoke without fire
before I go on I know not every woman
with BPD behaves in this way so I'm kind
of talking about the more
what's called not the quiet BPD ones
that we are more an extrovert people
like me so I started thinking back to
all my old relationships and thinking
would this person say I was a psychic
probably would this person yeah
definitely and so on
so those Ian that know me I've talked to
her about my stalking before I was very
very jealous jealous person and I would
take it to another level and I would
play mind games I'd say to light a
partner do you think she's pretty she is
isn't she when they said yeah rod go I
would stalk them
I was quite violent now I know again I
laugh through this video and I laugh not
because I think well it's okay what I
did because I really don't believe that
it was okay at all but it's kind of you
laughing a lot oh my god was I really
like that but yes I was so I don't want
people to take offence if I'm laughing
because I was a vile vile person I was
really violent
I would pant scratch by kick head but
not just that I was like violent towards
myself when I was angry at someone else
so like I would be in the middle of an
argument with someone and I'd be hurling
abuse and screaming at them and then I
would start whacking my head onto a
concrete floor so my head would be
bleeding I would be hurling abuse at
someone and so looking back I can really
understand why a partner looking on well
like their girlfriend screaming at them
and head-butting a wall or a tree or the
ground or whatever and think well this
isn't normal
because it wasn't but this is what I did
I was known to do things
one time I remember by self-harmed while
my partner was asleep and then I just
rubbed the blood all over the bed and
then woke the rough and said look what
you've made me do
and again like I know like I've talked
about kind of self harming as some
people say you do it for attention to
done there's many different reasons and
sometimes yeah it's because we're crying
out for attention it's not all the time
but this is this is my story yeah so
this is what I did
so again if someone wakes up and there's
blood all over the bed and they've got
very normal I could be fast asleep my
partner could be fast asleep I could
have a dream that they cheated on me I
would wake up and I'd attack them while
they're asleep again not normal but this
is what I did so there was that whole
kind of physical violence side not just
that I was really vicious like with my
tongue I was I would say the nastiest
nastiest things that I'm not gonna say
them on here because somebody would be
like what'd she say that someone but I
was spiteful in the moment I wanted to
hurt the other person and I would do
whatever I could and sometimes it took
saying the nasty it's not to hurt them
now some of you might say well that's
pretty psycho but here's the thing we
like the word psychic I used to be told
you're psycho you're nuts I got the
nickname squirrel and I was about 20 and
I said why are you cleaning this we're
awake because you're nuts
psycho nuts you're insane you're
freaking insane you've lost the plot
you're not normal this is what I was
told but that kind of word psycho is
kind of just thrown about when someone's
behaviors aren't seen as the norm
if you look up Psychopaths there's not
actually a diagnosis you can't get
diagnosed as a psychopath the closest
thing is antisocial personality disorder
which is a cluster B personality
disorder a long way borderline
personality disorder narcissistic
personality disorder and histrionic
Personality Disorder so yes we are kind
in the same cluster the erratic dramatic
kind of personality disorders and I've
talked before about how different
personality disorders can overlap
particularly if they are in the same
group so cluster B's we might often find
that we have other plus 2b traits of
different personality disorders it might
not be enough to get diagnosed so
someone might have a couple of
narcissistic traits they can't be
diagnosed as a narcissist but they have
the traits
obviously there are also people that do
get diagnosed with more than one
personality disorder and I'm not talking
about someone who when I talk about like
psycho woman I'm not talking about a
girl that has been diagnosed with
antisocial and bored I'm just talking
about how it's those of us just with
borderline because antisocial
personality disorder which is the
closest thing to psychopathy is very
very different yes they are both cluster
B personality disorders but they are
very two very different disorders they
are not the same so
what else did I do I think I'm going
off-track right okay so if I was having
an argument of someone and someone tried
to walk away which they so often did why
wouldn't they walk away anyone if they
saw the way I was behaving would want to
get as far away from me as possible I
wouldn't like to be walked away from I
would chase them jump from their back
write them lock them in a room I did
that with my ex-husband
I looked us in the bedroom together and
I flung the key out the window because I
didn't want him to go and I literally he
was still on the floor like normal I was
stood on the bed so I was looking down
at him and I was literally like I had my
hands out go ahead like growling at him
like some kind of animals that's not
normal
if they tried to drive away I might lie
in front of the tires of the car I might
throw myself on the windscreen and start
punching it so yeah like there are
numerous things that I did that we're
not normal and so yeah people would say
I was psycho I was not so it was crazy I
was insane and I do get what people say
that but actually if you look up
Psychopaths and you look up and social
personality disorder like I said they
are very different and one of the main
things is that those mad I suppose a
light a true psychopath they can be
manipulative now I know I'm probably
gonna get slaughtered down in the
comments that's absolutely fine you can
slaughter me in the comments just leave
my subscribers alone because I will
block you because this is a place where
we actually sing together so okay sorry
so I'm off track what was I saying yeah
so I know people say with people with
BPD are manipulative and yes I can see
that we can kind of do things but we
don't my argument is we don't
consciously go out our way to do is just
a behavior it just happens whereas
someone that might be like psychopathic
antisocial they kind of plan ahead and
that's not the case like I said I didn't
plan like I didn't sit and think huh I
really want to hurt this person I would
just do it in the moment impulsively and
after I would feel bad I would feel
guilty I would show remorse not all the
time like and I mean show remorse I
always felt guilty but if I was still
angry at someone and then my ex said I
can't believe you did that you don't
feel guilty I would say no I don't I
haven't done anything wrong well if I
done
and I'd like put on this cold tough
exterior but the truth of the matter is
I did actually feel guilty
I can feel empathy I can feel guilt I
can feel remorse I feel bad for what
I've done and a true psychopath won't be
able to do that they will not feel bad
so I think that is like a key difference
and that you see these women that are
portrayed in films that like try to
seduce the man and then if he's
interested in someone else try and kill
him but I don't want to kill anyone I
never wanted to kill her that wasn't
like that was just wasn't me and I don't
believe that these of us just with BPD
are that psychopathic now like I said I
know probably I'll get slaughtered in
the comments and that's fine
but we're kind of talking about the song
sweet but psycho can keep women with
borderline relate to that
so where does the sweet bark come from
okay so when anyone that's been in
relationship with someone with PPA will
often say we're very intense in the
beginning we will do everything we've
been Dover backwards because and we
would just be everything that they want
us to be so possibly we can be seen as a
sweet bar once we get like emotionally
attached they get to know us it kind of
triggers our intense emotions and our
true behaviors start showing and those
behaviors that give us the name of
psycho but like I said I don't believe
we are true psychos I really don't I can
see from outsiders why they would think
that catchy what are you doing um there
was a few things in the song that I
thought was like yeah I can really kind
of relate to that
there was a phrase what was it kiss your
neck with no emotion and that actually
was me believe it or not even though our
emotions are so intense over time one of
the way we deal with that a lot at the
time we can just shut off from our
emotions so we just don't feel them
anymore and we can come across as really
cold and it's not like that we are cold
it's actually our way of kind of
protecting ourselves another word was
people say Rawdon don't walk away oh my
god
the amount of evil odd get in a
relationship and they'd say everyone was
telling me I shouldn't be with you why
is that not be I don't know why would
people say that and then when they got
to know me that so people warned me not
to go out with you and I did so I could
relate to that as well but I think like
we get really bad kind to name and I do
get like I said there's no smoke without
fire I do get that some about behaviors
are kinda like
but that's because of the disorder and
how we feel inside there's a fly
so my lovelies
that is today's video check out the song
sweet that's like a pie even max I love
it I love the song I don't believe we
are psychos but at the same time I can
see that how that song I bear a lot of
like guys that have been out with a
borderline girl would say this song's
about her that's that's just what I
think and like I said at the beginning
guys not all women with BPD are the same
there are nine traits to BPD you have to
have five for a diagnosis there are so
many different combinations no we are
not all the same but I am trying to talk
about my story how I was and yeah let me
know what you think in the comments and
I'll be back next week I love you all