I often felt like I literally had a beast that lived inside of me. When I had an ‘episode’ I would turn in to the most vile, nasty person…and yet that is not who I was. I have now managed to ‘tame my beast’ with the help of learning skills – and I know that you can too!
hi guys and welcome to my video today I'm going to talk about borderline personality disorder again and I have titled this video the Beast of borderline the reason I titled it that was because I literally used to feel like I had a beast that lived inside of me now I'm generally a light thing a nice person a kind person I do care about others and but I literally had this thing this beast that lived inside me and I never knew when it was gonna rear its ugly head which I always did often just unexpected times sometimes I could knew it was coming other times I just didn't I call it a beast cuz I was just like I was like I'd behave just like this wild animal I was horrible like horrible I become so violent to people that I'm supposed to really love and care about and I could just turn and be the most vile person not just physically violent I like to the person I could smash up the house I think the worst thing that I would do was what with my words actually I would say the most cutting hurtful things and that you wouldn't say to your worst enemy no one would say that and yet I would be saying it so the people that I was supposed to love and care about the most more than ever and it was unfortunately the people that that I did love the most that saw the beast the most I don't exactly know why that is but perhaps it's because I knew they loved me and so subconsciously I knew I could get away with that I could do it and they would still love me and I was really lucky because they did still love me I remember once overhearing my ex-husband talking to my mom and they were talking about me they didn't know I was listening and they were just saying how hard it was to deal with me because I just became so nasty but really really nasty and my ex-husband said to my mom like I would have left by now if I thought that was who she was but I know that's not her she is a kind person she is the most loving person it's just these episodes where she just changes and that was really important because a lot of this beast it wasn't who I was it wasn't at all but it was something that lived in me and it was part of me I think for outsiders now when I say Outsiders like maybe friends that like you know like quinton sees people down the pub and that for them if they saw say an episode they wouldn't have been so understanding they would just think what bitch basically because they would think that is who I was because they'd see me going completely crazy and they think that's who I was because actually they didn't know the real me most most people didn't know the real me I didn't really let many people in and I didn't realize this until I went into rehab and we looked at like intimacy the word intimacy and so I said it's like into me you see do show people all the real you and I look back at those my friendships and I thought actually I didn't I didn't let people in I talked about what I wanted to talk about but it was never deep like deep deep so no one really did know what was going on inside except like my ex-husband at the time my mom stepped out of my brother and those few people said for outsiders I was just this nuts person I think another thing is with borderline personality disorder my mood could change so suddenly one minute I could just be like laughing and happy and having the time of my life and it'd be one word or one sentence I could just say something or even not even say something give me a look and it could just like flip the switch the Beast would come out and I'll just be like Brad and I would go and then just as quick as it went on it could go off again and then the Beast would go and I'd be back and I'll be laughing like nothing had happened and so for people that didn't know me who didn't understand borderline personality disorder there'd just be like well how can she go that not UPS and then just be fine obviously it's fake it's not real she's just like doing it for attention or just that I was making it up just really I trying to manipulate people do things just to get things my way and it it just wasn't like that and I hated their I hated it because I'd like her to sell it one minute I could be so happy and but once that switch had been flipped and that beast came out there was no stopping me I was just terrorized I was so awful but it's not like I would do this and then be like oh well I would feel so guilty after especially like when I'd hurt my loved ones and I'd like that guilt and remorse and shame and anger at myself so much anger at myself I was always hated myself I hated myself so much yet it was the people that I loved that I acted like I hate it but I didn't hate them at all I just hated myself and unfortunately they were the ones that I'd bring it out on do I still think the Beast lives inside me possibly possibly sometimes like I can feel my mood about to go but um I think I've learned to tame the beast I think that anyone can recover anyone with borderline personality disorder can recover I have complete faith now it's not always easy you have to put in work because unfortunately our emotions are so much more intense so we have to learn skills to regulate them and in order to learn anything you kind of have to put in work but I think once once you've learnt them and those skills are in place they just get easier and easier to use and for me now I thought I'm I'm not even aware I'm using them sometimes I am but yeah a lot of the time is just subconscious my emotions so much more regulated now I don't get the extreme highs which I used to love don't get me wrong I loved the extreme highs bar I also know when I'd have an extreme high when my mood came back down to say normal level I felt like I was on a low so I'll start drinking or acting out when actually I was just normal but yeah so I don't get I don't get me wrong it's not like I don't get little highs I'm still happy I'm smiling life is good but it's not that extreme where then my Moo Crash's and I don't get the extreme lows anymore I think I did for years and years and years and sometimes I wonder like are they still there but I'm regulating it just on a daily basis without even realizing or has my mood just like my emotions regulate themselves and I don't even know to be sure but I do think it was definitely doing DBT doing the steps group and learning these skills and practicing them learning mindfulness that's huge keeping it in the moment and all these little things and slowly life got easier and easier and easier to the point then it didn't feel like work and life started being good but I love life today and I look back and I think I'm a completely different person to who I was because I'm I would never lash out at my loved ones like I used to it's taken a lot to build trust up obviously with them slowly slowly because I was like that I was vital for years and they were always walking around on eggshells they never knew what to say or do or loved you know and they don't have that today like because I don't react the way I used to because like I said I think I learnt to tame my beast and I have every faith for anyone out there with borderline personality disorder contain tame their beast too because there is a way out I have every faith for you there's a way out as well but it does it does take a bit of work unfortunately we're not handed these things on a play I sometimes think like it's like a curse having one personality this order but I start trying to change my view on air and now I think food you know what because I just experienced experiences more intensely than people and maybe sometimes that was good like especially with the highs and I don't see it as a curse anymore but I suppose that's because I did come out the other side but I believe everyone can come out the other side and then when you look back I mean I feel I've had so many life experiences that had I not had borderline personality disorder I wouldn't have had and it just had normal life but I didn't just have a normal life and that's okay that's okay because life is good now and it can't be for you I'm gonna go it is beautiful and sunny outside and I'm possibly gonna go see the kids down the park because my partner has taken them out for the day so I can do some videos um but if you have any comments please feel free to comment and I just said in my weekly catch-up actually I'm really sorry I haven't been replying to people because I do usually reply to everyone and I'm going to get on it now actually before I go wandering down the park and reply to people because I do like to reply and like I just said didn't catch up I'm pregnant and I'm really tired and I'm been feeling sick and I just haven't been doing what I need to be doing but I am back on it I'm starting to feel a bit better but yeah enjoy the sunshine everyone and I'll be back next week bye guys
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.