hi guys and welcome to my video today
I'm going to talk about borderline
personality disorder again and I have
titled this video the Beast of
borderline the reason I titled it that
was because I literally used to feel
like I had a beast that lived inside of
me now I'm generally a light thing a
nice person a kind person
I do care about others and but I
literally had this thing this beast that
lived inside me and I never knew when it
was gonna rear its ugly head which I
always did
often just unexpected times sometimes I
could knew it was coming other times I
just didn't I call it a beast cuz I was
just like I was like I'd behave just
like this wild animal I was horrible
like horrible I become so violent to
people that I'm supposed to really love
and care about and I could just turn and
be the most vile person not just
physically violent I like to the person
I could smash up the house I think the
worst thing that I would do was what
with my words actually I would say the
most cutting hurtful things and that you
wouldn't say to your worst enemy no one
would say that and yet I would be saying
it so the people that I was supposed to
love and care about the most more than
ever and it was unfortunately the people
that that I did love the most that saw
the beast
the most I don't exactly know why that
is but perhaps it's because I knew they
loved me and so subconsciously I knew I
could get away with that I could do it
and they would still love me and I was
really lucky because they did still love
me
I remember once overhearing my
ex-husband
talking to my mom and they were talking
about me they didn't know I was
listening and they were just saying how
hard it was to deal with me because I
just became so nasty but really really
nasty and my ex-husband said to my mom
like I would have left by now if I
thought that was who she was but I know
that's not her she is a kind person she
is the most loving person it's just
these episodes where she just changes
and that was really important because a
lot of this beast it wasn't who I was it
wasn't at all but it was something that
lived in me and it was part of me I
think for outsiders now when I say
Outsiders like maybe friends that like
you know like quinton sees people down
the pub and that for them if they saw
say an episode they wouldn't have been
so understanding they would just think
what bitch basically because they would
think that is who I was because they'd
see me going completely crazy and they
think that's who I was because actually
they didn't know the real me most most
people didn't know the real me I didn't
really let many people in and I didn't
realize this until I went into rehab and
we looked at like intimacy
the word intimacy and so I said it's
like into me you see do show people
all the real you and I look back at
those my friendships and I thought
actually I didn't I didn't let people in
I talked about what I wanted to talk
about but it was never deep like deep
deep so no one really did know what was
going on inside except like my
ex-husband at the time my mom stepped
out of my brother and those few people
said for outsiders I was just this nuts
person I think another thing is with
borderline personality disorder my mood
could change so suddenly one minute I
could just be like laughing and happy
and having the time of my life and it'd
be one word or one sentence I could just
say something or even not even say
something give me a look and it could
just like flip the switch the Beast
would come out and I'll just be like
Brad and I would go and then just as
quick as it went on it could go off
again and then the Beast would go and
I'd be back and I'll be laughing like
nothing had happened
and so for people that didn't know me
who didn't understand borderline
personality disorder
there'd just be like well how can she go
that not UPS and then just be fine
obviously it's fake it's not real
she's just like doing it for attention
or just that I was making it up just
really I trying to manipulate people do
things just to get things my way and it
it just wasn't like that and I hated
their I hated it because I'd like her to
sell it one minute I could be so happy
and but once that switch had been
flipped and that beast came out there
was no stopping me
I was just terrorized I was so awful but
it's not like I would do this and then
be like oh well I would feel so guilty
after especially like when I'd hurt my
loved ones and I'd like that guilt and
remorse
and shame and anger at myself so much
anger at myself I was always hated
myself I hated myself so much yet it was
the people that I loved that I acted
like I hate it but I didn't hate them at
all I just hated myself and
unfortunately they were the ones that
I'd bring it out on do I still think the
Beast lives inside me possibly possibly
sometimes like I can feel my mood about
to go but um I think I've learned to
tame the beast I think that anyone can
recover anyone with borderline
personality disorder can recover I have
complete faith now it's not always easy
you have to put in work because
unfortunately our emotions are so much
more intense so we have to learn skills
to regulate them and in order to learn
anything you kind of have to put in work
but I think once once you've learnt them
and those skills are in place they just
get easier and easier to use and for me
now I thought I'm I'm not even aware I'm
using them sometimes I am but yeah a lot
of the time is just subconscious my
emotions so much more regulated now I
don't get the extreme highs which I used
to love don't get me wrong I loved the
extreme highs bar I also know when I'd
have an extreme high when my mood came
back down to say normal level I felt
like I was on a low so I'll start
drinking or acting out when actually I
was just normal but yeah so I don't get
I don't get me wrong it's not like I
don't get little highs I'm still happy
I'm smiling life is good but it's not
that extreme where then my Moo
Crash's and I don't get the extreme lows
anymore I think I did for years and
years and years and sometimes I wonder
like are they still there but I'm
regulating it just on a daily basis
without even realizing or has my mood
just like my emotions regulate
themselves and I don't even know to be
sure but I do think it was definitely
doing DBT doing the steps group and
learning these skills and practicing
them learning mindfulness that's huge
keeping it in the moment and all these
little things and slowly life got easier
and easier and easier to the point then
it didn't feel like work and life
started being good but I love life today
and I look back and I think I'm a
completely different person to who I was
because I'm I would never lash out at my
loved ones like I used to
it's taken a lot to build trust up
obviously with them slowly slowly
because I was like that I was vital for
years and they were always walking
around on eggshells they never knew what
to say or do or loved you know and they
don't have that today like because I
don't react the way I used to because
like I said I think I learnt to tame my
beast and I have every faith for anyone
out there with borderline personality
disorder contain tame their beast too
because there is a way out I have every
faith for you there's a way out as well
but it does it does take a bit of work
unfortunately we're not handed these
things on a play I sometimes think like
it's like a curse having one personality
this order but I start trying to change
my view on air and now I think food you
know what because I just experienced
experiences more intensely than people
and maybe sometimes that was good like
especially with the highs and I don't
see it as a curse anymore but I suppose
that's because I did come out the other
side but I believe everyone can come out
the other side and then when you look
back I mean I feel I've had so many life
experiences that had I not had
borderline personality disorder I
wouldn't have had and it just had normal
life but I didn't just have a normal
life and that's okay that's okay because
life is good now and it can't be for you
I'm gonna go it is beautiful and sunny
outside and I'm possibly gonna go see
the kids down the park because my
partner has taken them out for the day
so I can do some videos um but if you
have any comments please feel free to
comment and I just said in my weekly
catch-up
actually I'm really sorry I haven't been
replying to people because I do usually
reply to everyone and I'm going to get
on it now actually before I go wandering
down the park and reply to people
because I do like to reply and like I
just said didn't catch up I'm pregnant
and I'm really tired and I'm been
feeling sick and I just haven't been
doing what I need to be doing but I am
back on it I'm starting to feel a bit
better but yeah enjoy the sunshine
everyone and I'll be back next week bye
guys