hi guys happy Friday today I'm not doing
a video request I want to discuss
recovery with you not I'm just recovery
from borderline personality disorder but
also recovery from addiction alcoholism
as you know I was in rehab about just
over five years ago and when I was in I
did primary rehab which was mainly it's
like detox some group sessions and that
and that was six weeks but then I went
on and I did secondary for like five
months so in secondary there was a like
the lady that ran out
I always remember she sat down and she
we were all sat in a circle doing group
therapy and she was like look at the
person next year looking and she said
chances are they'll be dead in a few
years and we were like wow and she's
like like this addiction kills basically
a lot of you aren't gonna make it and I
remember just thinking but that's a bit
harsh early like that's that's a bit
March I didn't I didn't get it that it
was only about three months into leaving
rehab but I found out that three people
that I'd done the primary stage with had
died they were all died of alcoholism
and as I came into recovery and I got
into like the 12 steps and do meetings I
met a lot of people in recovery and
whilst it's wonderful seeing people
recovery you do see people go back out
there and start using again and people
do die from this I lost a guy a friend
that I did secondary treatment with and
he was lovely and he died about a year
year ago and because he he could get
clean he just couldn't stay clean then
in February of this year another guy in
recovery that we were very close with
because he had a daughter who was the
same age as my eldest daughter they were
only like four at the time four five
years old at the time and we used to all
go out together and he came around for
Christmas dinner like we were all really
close and he died in February and I so
didn't thought become like numb to it
like it makes me really sad it makes me
actually not I really like I think about
his little girl a lot his mom actually
had won custody of her just a week
before he died so last night I was
chatting with my partner Darren and I
was like oh do you remember when you me
and Ben and Ben was a guy he was like my
best friend and treatment in the primary
stage I have never laughed so hard with
anyone I think I did um a video a while
back on codependency and I talked about
him because we actually had to go to
like couples counseling together and
they were like this is the first time
we're doing couples counseling with a
couple that on a couple you're just
friends and we've stayed in contact over
the years sending messages he sent us
calls
I was promised Todd Gallup to London to
see him and I just never did and so I
said this to my paradise night she
remember Ben he went oh he died a month
ago and I'm like yeah yeah we're funny
funny he was like no seriously I just
didn't know how to tell you I was like
oh my god so I've gone on his Facebook
and sure enough he's passed away so I
was telling my mum last night like I'm
just talking Malia and I think for her
it's like cause she knew Ben and she
knew um my friend who died in February
as well she knew both of them
and it's a reminder that actually that
could have been me and she's the kinda
said what what makes some people able to
recover and some con and it really got
me thinking like what is it why can some
of us get in some calm and for me I
think it's very much
helping others being around others like
yourself and I think that's why it's
12-step meetings like AAA and NA work
the twelfth step is to help another
addicts help another alcoholic for me
with my channel are trying to help other
people that are dealing with things that
I dealt with and honestly guys you have
no idea I'm sure I you guys have kept me
live you've kept me sane because I think
I felt I had a purpose and I never did
have before I never felt like I had a
purpose and now am I actually do you
know what all the crap I went through I
can now turn this around and do
something good with it and show a lot of
people how they can recover as well I
don't exactly lie I haven't spoken to
them for a few months so I don't know
but I didn't I don't know what happened
there I don't know like what kind of
support he had around him my other
friend who died didn't it on February he
was doing so well and he had just got
back custody of his daughter and we
would all go out together and it was all
through like the summer holidays this is
five years ago and then the September
came his daughter started school and all
of a sudden it was like he was just had
all this time on his hands and he went
back out there started using again lost
custody of his daughter and really
struggled to get clean after that and it
was just so sad because we don't got
clean together
and we were no different this guy is
like he had so much wool or than that's
so much to offer and it's like what a
waste of her life and I think we can't
be complacent when it comes to our
recovery whether we're talking about
addiction whether we're talking about
alcoholism whether we're talking about
borderline personality disorder these
things kill you know this is our life at
stake I look back now and I mean I've
mentioned just three people that it was
within treatment that I lost that were
good friends that that's not including
all the others I hear honestly it's like
at least every month it's did you know
such-and-such died did you know
such-and-such died it's all the time and
it's a constant reminder or lie that's
why I can't go back out there I can't
pick up again I have to take recovery
seriously and I think all of us do we
need to get connected with other people
for a star and I think again that's why
12-step meetings work because you're
amongst other addicts or you're amongst
other alcoholics and that's what like
with my website BPD tribe that's what I
kind of want us just all of us with BPD
to stick together and help one another
not just one person helping it like not
just me we all help each other because
honestly you guys do help me and I just
think we have to take recovery seriously
I got asked by Magnolia Rose I can't
remember my head I'm sorry about what we
know wrong something about in early
recovery do you think because I just got
with him a new partner do you think that
helped my recovery go quicker well
actually no that was a really dangerous
thing I did and I can see that now I'm
very lucky that it didn't cause
my recovery to blow up in my face I
think when we're first in recovery we
kinda have to just focus on us and it's
very difficult because those of us with
BPD we often just want to be in a
relationship but it can cause so many
other problems so I don't know today I
don't want this video to be will doom
and gloom but I just kind of want us to
sit off and say do you know what we have
to take recovery seriously it's like
it's our lives at stake basically and I
see that like every time I hear that
someone else has passed away it's a
reminder and it's absolutely horrible
but but recovery is possible there's
some is it a TEDx talk a guy does you
can look it up it's about rat Park I was
calling him rat City but I have a
feeling it's gonna pop and it's really
really interesting about they were
giving these rats they put a load of
rats and then one rat in an empty cage
and they put heroin in a water bottle
and then one normal water bottle and the
rat would always go for the heroin but
then they created like a rat Park where
there were loads of fun things for the
rats to do and they put lots of rats in
together so they could interact and the
rats weren't interested in drinking the
water laced with heroin they just wanted
the normal water because they were happy
and I think that that's what we need we
need to feel like connected we need to
feel we have a purpose we need to feel
like we're not secluded we're not on our
own we're not the only person like this
there are others out there that get us
and this can really really help us not
only like get clean but stay clean
because that is the difficult thing it's
easy for someone to get clean staying
clean is a whole different ballgame um
I'm gonna leave it there but I will be
back on
Monday and like I said next week I've
got a crisp from the reward so doing a
video for you guys I love you all let's
have a wonderful weekend guys