hi my lovelies so why Oh having you an
explanation because last night I put a
photo of myself crying on Instagram and
I'm really cringing about it now guys
it's I've never done that before I am
not really a crier I don't I just don't
cry
very very rarely do I cry not that
there's anything wrong with crying I
think I have literally cried so much in
my life time ran out tears maybe oh I'm
a bit numb to things because I have
cried so much i before there was a time
I think I cried for like three whole
days I couldn't stop so it was unusual
but last night I was crying and I was
really crying and I updated the picture
of me crying cuz I in my head I was like
I've never done this and I want people
to know that it's okay I'm crying but
I'm gonna be okay I'm gonna be okay but
I found my mom after like later on i sat
there and i was like and don't get me
wrong like because if my friends will
now say why didn't you call me but when
I get like that
I don't really want to talk to anyone
but last night I thought I'm not gonna
sleep I'm just crying moaning mommy yeah
and she answered very like proper ugly
face crying I didn't post the picture of
hmm I I did the tears but I didn't do
the ugly face but there was ugly face
crying going on and I found my mom and I
talked her and so I want to explain to
you guys kind of what's gone on and why
I got to that point and then what
happened after when I spoke to my mum so
I have four children
Emilia Daisy
Mimi who is 10 I have Keon who is a with
my ex-husband they have actually gone
and they're up there their doubts house
now having a fantastic time and then I
have Eason Eason is I said Eason is e a
s o n because everyone knows Ethan
no he's son it's an old Irish name
Easons v and Lottie is 3 and I have them
with my ex who I broke up with just over
a year ago I get on with my ex-husband
might get on with my ex my ex husband
lives like two hours away so it's a bit
of a trek my ex Eason lottie's dad is
local very local Ivan I don't like ever
say to them but you have set day so you
have set hours it's kind of like you can
see them as often as you want
because I think it's good for the kids
so I'm very used to having D my ex
around a lot he pops round he sees the
kids and he's just we just used to
having him there like popping in and
seeing him now I know my ex-husband
would help me if I was like really
struggling I was like I need you don't
forget he would step up but he lives two
hours away so it's different
a month ago I got very ill high
temperature sore throat fever cough um
and I phoned D and I was like I can't
cough the kids like I'm really not well
and he came around and he was like
should I stay now Eason my five-year-old
has really bad asthma to the point he's
been in hospital a few times and he'd
started like coughing and I was like yes
day so he stayed and it was fantastic
because he was such a help the kids were
happy he was bad
but then I got better and he had things
to do so he was like I've gotta go
I must like Best Buy and say he was gone
a few days and in those few days
we got the notification that our country
England was going in lockdown now
probably because I'm can be a bit moody
sometimes and I was like well you're not
here so you that's it now you can't see
the kids unless you vitally yes I have
isolated I said I don't know that like
my bad my bad I said it's my ex-husband
as well well you can't see the kids and
he's not okay but I I'm not around I was
like yep but you know we're in lockdown
I didn't know you see I did it wasn't
just me being a bit of a moody one I
didn't know that kids could travel
between parents so long as they're all
isolating so I was just like no sorry
they didn't I've got to protect my
babies we're in isolation now within
that week Keon my eight-year-old I told
yeast I getting a tick and his top and
house like oh okay
I said what's wrong and he said like I
don't know we're not seeing my dad again
and I was like like I didn't expect that
I thought it was I felt someone was like
before he'd said I think - or my uncle
someone's gonna die so he's like I don't
know when I see my house and I thought
okay so I really overlooked this I've
just thought yeah
isolation they're not going anywhere but
actually the kids have been really
affected Ethan went really quiet and
into himself and how he needs his dad he
needs his dad I care needs backtrack so
I found both and said the kids do need
you have you really been in isolation if
I suggest I was like you me yeah yes
fine you can see the kids so my older
two actually went to stay with their dad
and they're there now and Dee came round
and he was like oh so I just taken a job
it's an hour and a half away and but I'm
gonna be like he'll be working with
homeless people I say so that means
you're not gonna see the kids then
because you're like and he said no I
can't I said okay so I started getting
my okay it's fine it's fine it's fine
and that was all week thinking it's fine
fine no biggie and then yesterday he was
gonna go I think it really bothered me I
was really moody and not very nice to
him really not because I was trying to
punish him but he's like I was just
trying to cut off from the whole
situation I couldn't deal with it and he
said goodbye to the children and said I
don't want to see you daddy loves you
just and I mean he came down he's like
I'm going okay and he left and I could
hear this banging upstairs and I've gone
running up and Easons out the window
going dad dad liked run away but it's
his room was in darkness his dad's in
the car his dad can't hear him and then
the car went and Eason was like daddy
daddy's gone now
yeah but you know he's helping people
that are need help and we will talk to
him every day they just hit me and I
just came downstairs and it was just
like I'm so used to him just being there
and coming round and seeing kids and we
go well and it's like
he's and I hurt for the children because
they don't know when they'll see their
dad I was hurt for him because I've been
literally a miserable bi TCH basically
the past few days and I feel he's going
away and he's got this whole thing like
okay this is my job I've taken this job
I'm moving away I'm not going to see my
children he's got all that to deal with
and I've literally just been miserable
to him and rude and horrible and so I'll
have that guilt like that was his good
boy I was horrible
um yeah and I just literally I sat on my
sofa and I sobbed and I sobbed and I
sobbed and I fear my mum I mean even he
said today I I called it my went
upstairs and he was just stood against a
wall now Ethan's have a speech delay so
he's not the most talkative but utilize
and he's good right and he's just didn't
I said you're lying he just went I could
see wasn't it was like he was really
trying to be like I'm strong I said
what's wrong he simply went fine my
heart just broke for him so yeah so I
sobbed and I cried and all my goddamn
eyes out and say my mum she probably got
a shock oh my god what's going on see
you know like but my mum always talk
sense to me and like kind of helps me
get out the emotional mind and into
logical mind and you know what's the
practical things we could do dah dah and
lay by the end of the conversation it
was really random because I was like I
said did you see the video I sent you
earlier about the little boy that fell
into the gorillas care
and she was like do you remember what
happened Trina when I took Amelia and
Qian to the zoo a few years ago say Mimi
must have been four and KN was 2 and my
mum took them to the zoo now the week
before my auntie my auntie Christine I
had spoken to my mom and said oh when we
were at the zoo this big tour toys got
out it was tall - it's not gonna run
East I've got to attack anyone but my
mum if that was in my mom's head so my
mum's at the zoo and they buy the lion
or the tiger enclosure and there was two
tigers fight and just by coincidence
some guy just kind of jogged past and my
mom heard that rah saw someone jogging
and literally grabbed kyun under her arm
like he was a handbag grabbed him his
hand and ran right for her life dragging
the children the two kids still remember
with the gangjae's
all right so really made me love and I
was like oh really laughing now and then
I said oh mom I
I put patronage from I hang on Instagram
she was like oh no no you didn't why
would you do that
take it down their eyes if I wanted
people just like see that it's okay we
can have these moments where we like no
I have been really crying
and it's real and it sucks and it's
horrible but I did actually post in the
comments underneath like guys I'm okay
now um you know because I was laughing
by this point at the thought of my mum
running for her life
[Music]
[Laughter]
mum I don't know where my step done I
said where was Lee and she said I don't
know I think he must have just left him
the kids and run because he thinking
what is she doing and she had all these
steps she said I literally just dragged
your daughter I dragged me here of this
bed Qian was under her arm because he's
my poor children I'm surprised when I
didn't see recently they weren't like
they had like flashbacks of this
horrific moment so I'm sorry this video
was just me chatting but I will need you
to marry kind of what's going on I still
feel sad I miss Amelia and qiyam loads
there their dad and they're having a
great time and it's amazing that they're
having a great time I am missing them
and I just have to kind be strong for
the younger two I think I feel workers
Lottie like Lottie we said that her dad
that day I adore you and I really love
you and she's just like she just melts
your heart but actually tonight I'm
safer Eason and Lottie and I was like
guys were going out to present lot he
turned round said Eason I love you so
much and the way she said it like she
Portland and he just turned round and we
went like this on our face woman LT I
really love for you to notice oh my god
I love him so much
um but their dads off doing a good thing
like he's helping people that really
need help and I get that and I get he's
got do that and clumb tell the kids like
that's just helping people I suppose
it's not like it's World War two when a
dad would go off to war and you wouldn't
know if you'd ever see them again like
it's not like that but I supposed to be
not used to that kind of time and it it
kind of feels a bit like that say
yeah that was the reason for all my
tears yesterday
I won't continually post crying faces on
Instagram because oh well Leslie I don't
I don't do that that's not why I do but
I did want you to know like sometimes
even like anyone anyone can have one of
those days just one of those days I'm
good I know thank you all of you like
them you've sent the most amazing
messages to me and was just crying
crying reading them ugly wife hmm
but it really did mean the world to me
and I do I know I said I said I love you
and you know what she just says that but
I genuinely do like I feel it I feel it
right here I do love you and I will be
back tomorrow yeah I love you guys