hi my lovelies it is Friday evening and
I was hoping to do a video monday or
tuesday by forgot it is the children's
half term and so they were around and so
I can't possibly do a video but they've
gone to my mum's for a few days the
older three half I've still got baby
obviously she's a seat yeah she's asleep
down there good good as you can see I
haven't been able to hurt straighten my
hair so it's a bit of a wild mess um but
I am able to do a video because she's
asleep at the moment please because it
feels like at the moment she is on my
boob constantly and I don't fancy doing
a video Tehran my boob don't think any
of you would appreciate it I don't think
I'd appreciate it and but yeah so it's
Friday night I'm hoping to upload
tonight but where I used to live it
would take me five minutes to upload a
video here the connection is slower it
takes two hours 45 minutes so like two
hours 40 minutes more so it's seven
o'clock now by the time I've done it
uploaded and I've gotta write in all the
stuff the description and that I'll be
really tired so I might have to wait
till saturday morning i'm sorry but i
might try and quickly do two videos and
then maybe upload one in a few days so
today i am going to talk ah in case you
hear banging that is upstairs my
daughter's room we are decorating it my
partner was a painter and decorator so
he's doing it actually um I don't think
he wants to do it I don't think it's due
please I kind of sprung on him like it's
half-term we can do her room get up
there I've got the pain yes it that's
what the banging is in case you can hear
that right yet I'm going to do a video
today talking about my pregnancy and so
it's
might not be something everyone wants to
watch but I'm going to but mainly talked
about the support that I got in my
pregnancy because there are so many
women out there that just don't get the
support that they really need when you
suffer with mental health you're more
likely to suffer more in the pregnancy
and you're more likely to suffer after
you've had the baby as well I get
comments from people as well saying like
should people with BPD have children
should people with mental health
illnesses have children oh I get wet
what they mean I do get what they mean
because obviously if our BPD is
completely controlling us our emotions
are so intense and we're flying off the
handle and doing all the crazy things we
do is it wise to get pregnant and
answers probably oh it's not but that's
not to say someone with BPD can't have
children or shouldn't have children
especially if you're doing something
about it and you're trying to get help
and I mean you might not be in full
recovery yet but as long as you've got a
support network around you there's no
reason why you shouldn't I mean what
people forget is well with borderline
personality disorder of people are very
quick to remember our intense anger and
our intense crying and all those horrid
symptoms but they also forget that with
all the our other feelings are intense
that the love we feel is so intense like
I love my kids so much and I try to be a
good mom I would say like for me I have
been at the school and I talked to the
family support workers at the school
they know about my previous drug
addiction
drinking alcohol my self harm mental
health issues and they know all that and
I tell them that because then they can
support my children and if I feel my
children need a bit of extra support
they they can get it they've got someone
they can talk to my son bless him I just
over a week ago he broke down in tears
and this is my son kiyan my second child
and it just is not like he and he's a
really happy carefree little boy he's
five and he's so anxious like chewing
his top till it's soaking wet and he
broke down and he said there was an old
boy who's been sitting on him bullying
him and it's been going on for a long
time and of that night when he went red
I just cried I mean I'm emotional anyway
but as a mom I just solved because he's
my little boy but he spoken to the
teachers and and they realized he is
really anxiously at would but they're
going to support him with that and he's
going to be having like counseling three
times a week and put in a special little
group called the sunshine group actually
where he can just go and talk and
they're going to get into like talk
about his feelings and stuff because
he's not good expressing and talking
about his feelings was my daughter is
yeah Kings not really so I would say yes
it's all about the support so in my
first two pregnancies I lived two hours
away from here so I went to a different
hospital and I just had normal even
though I had I was under mental health
team I just had no more midwives I
suffered it re bad prenatally in both
and I suffered really bad snootily in
both pregnancies and it was kind of kind
of left up to the mental health team to
deal with their
but it just wasn't enough then I moved
down here and I got pregnant with my
third child eason a little boy and I was
told I was classed as vulnerable and
three classes vulnerable you can have
mental health issues we near diction
really young young mom maybe come from
home with domestic violence or whatever
and I got put under actually same name
as my the group my son goes to sunshine
it's the sunshine team of midwives and
they deal with vulnerable women and now
when I moved down here there was a mixup
and my paperwork ting is then from sent
from my mental health teams one here so
I wasn't under a mental health team but
I did have this midwife and she would
come out to me and I would just cry and
cry and cry because I was new to the
area I didn't know the area I didn't
know anyone and I was pregnant I was
hormonal I felt had no one and I used to
just cry on her shoulder and say you're
my only friend her name was Julie and
she was amazing and eventually I got put
under the Mental Health team and things
slowly slowly got better but so this
time I got pregnant I'm back under the
sunshine team julie has moved on she
works in a different area there now but
um I got a lady called Denise and she
was amazing like the support I've got
from the team I feel I can phone them I
can talk to them they're really there
and I do feel like it's been kind of
life-saving at times like well if just
felt I've got no one to talk to or just
tell how I'm feeling or have a rent to
and I've been able to talk to them now
what the sunshine team do they come out
you more often and so it's like not as
long gaps and when one of my first
meetings Denis said to me we have a
student
and would you like to be her caseload
she'll come to all your appointments and
I thought nothing of it I said yeah
because I can't think well students have
to learn yeah sure why not no but I
didn't think anything of it and done so
i got this girl Kathryn she's from
Northern Ireland and she's a student
midwife now the reason she's able to
work with the sunshine team because they
don't usually take students because
they're dealing with vulnerable women is
that Katherine's previously done a
psychology degree and um then she
decided she wanted going to midwifery so
she was able to work with me and like I
said I didn't really think much of it
but as my pregnancy went on my ups and
downs with my emotions i mean my they
were i was quite good the whole way
through really but at the end i really
kind of needed that support and
Catherine would not just come out to
every appointment but I was also under a
consultant where I'd have to go and have
baby scans and meet with him sulwon and
a midwife doesn't usually go with you
but Catherine would meet me there so I'd
have her out every appointment and then
at the end I said she's on 24 it's like
our call for when I go into labor so she
will be with me at the bath and she was
because I'll thinking all wish mrs.
there I delivered quickly but no she met
me she was actually she got to hospital
as I got there and it was her that
delivered my baby and little Lottie and
it was amazing because I was in so much
pain and you kind of feeling will be
just how you do when you're in labor but
I had this woman here that I trusted
I've built this relationship with I got
on really well with and she was rubbing
my back and like just hearing her voice
and knowing she was there was really
nice i felt like i was in really safe
hands and i mentioned before there was a
slight problem after the birth and
basically what that was my birth my
labor went fine and I'm given the baby
and it's all gray and obviously the
third stage of Labor's where you just
deliver the placenta and that's easy
done you don't even know its kind of
happening and that my placenta decided
to not detach from the nutrient or I'd
have the injection to speed it up as
well and it wouldnt it just wouldn't
come away so we waited like an hour and
I'm just SAT there and then a consultant
came in and told me that they would be
needing to take me to theatre so that
freaked me out I was like you gonna be
cutting me open this and no the
consultants going to do it manually we
won't need to do that but we will need
to give you a spinal so I'm like numb
from waist down and I was really
frightened I mean I just gone through
childbirth and when you go through that
finally at the end white eyes over but
for me I was like it's over no it's not
how I'm going to theatre now I've got to
leave my baby and I was terrified but
Catherine came with me and held my hand
like we were in theatre there must have
been like 12 people in the room and she
just held my hand and I felt really safe
as she came with me when I went to the
recovery room and I had to stay in
hospital for 48 hours because I've been
on medications they were monitoring baby
and every day should come up Catherine
would come up and visit me and do the
baby's checks and it was so nice and
also usually with a midwife they just
stopped seeing you after I've denote 10
days or something and kind of hand you
over to health visitor I haven't had
that they've kept me on longer which has
been great because I haven't been good
I've been in tears a lot I was crying to
Denise the other day and yeah it's been
really hard I'm actually gay I get
motion without after um I will be
leaving the sunshine team and this is
obviously my I've always said I wanted
for children I have my four children so
I'd won't be having any more and I feel
really sad like oh
remember sunshine team because they have
been so amazing i mean i was talking to
Catherine she came round last night like
seven o'clock before her night shift she
had a 12 hour night shift and she came
round to see me just to check in and see
how I was doing which was so amazing and
we were talking and she said like in the
UK there's only about hundred teams like
the sunshine team for vulnerable women
and in Northern Ireland where she's from
there's only four and I kinda thought
I've got to do a video to highlight this
because for me it was so important it
really helped me obviously I'm under
mental health team as well I've got
fantastic doctor my doctor shradha and
he's brilliant up but it was nice having
midwives um that understood the
pregnancy side and there to listen to me
as well as having the mental health team
and I think any woman that is vulnerable
by the suffering domestic violence or
addiction wherever they need and they
get pregnant you need that extra support
and they do need that because like I
said it was literally like for me so
important my pregnancy would not have
gone as smoothly as it did had I not had
that team behind me that I felt were
can't really supporting me I think my
mental health would have deteriorated a
lot quicker but I don't believe it did
because I had them there that I could
talk to regularly about things and grant
with feelings and when little things
popped up I could talk it through and
then they would go away obviously at the
end it did get a lot worse I am still
kind of suffering with my vegetable
house at the moment I get intrusive
thoughts Allah
and I like I am a huge on dbt you know
that and I'm right DPT use your skills
but I think when it's come this time
like the hormones take over and those
thoughts come I have tried my skills and
I found them really hard to use but I
think that is when it's the hormones
involved so I feel sorry for people with
PMS and for PMT like we really suffer
because I never realized just how
powerful our hormones are and because
any other time if I've been able to use
well I've been able to use my skills in
a crisis and it's been easy at this time
it has been harder but i am still here
and I'm still doing this video I spent a
lot of time crying every day and but you
know that's okay because I talk about it
as well I talked about it with my
partner I this little lady I'll go and
get me oh hang on wait there we're there
I will get little later
oh look at the little face look at the
little face look at you Oh big stretches
big strip oh ma come on there it's such
bad filming is no I just run off camera
I'm not gonna edit it out because I
never cut many videos like that you
notice i am and i are and yeah so yes I
thought I would do a video on this
because like I said pregnancy is really
really hard but you can get through it
if you have the right suppor were you
doing little lady you're awake you're
gonna see hi Oh little stretches little
stretching hello yeah hey yeah she is
wow she's in blue today so she looks
like a boy then you loved it yes you
look like a sea hello camera looking
around so just over two weeks now oh
yeah mmwah I love you yes if people that
are say people with BPD mental health
issues shouldn't have children I'd say
that's wrong and because we're more than
capable of loving and looking after our
children but we need to accept help and
have support we have to talk and not
beat ourselves up when things get hard
sometimes things get really hard and I
feel guilty most time don't I about
everything but as long as I know I'm
doing my best that is what matters so
I'm going to leave that there today guys
whoa Superman right you go there and I'm
gonna love you and leave you I was going
to do another video but obviously she's
awake now so that might not be possible
and that yeah I will be doing 11 a week
from now on ah bye guys later