I have been in this vicious cycle many times and it is so hard to break the cycle – but it is possible.  If the relationship is really unhealthy it is important you learn to break the cycle.

hi guys and a while back I got requested
to do a video but I didn't write down
who asked me it was about continuously
letting people back into our lives who
hurt us and then the other day I got a
video request from grunya hi grunya and
she asked me about BPD and breakups and
the vicious cycle that we get ourselves
into of where we break up and get back
with someone someone who's often not
necessarily good for us and so I'm kind
of going to do them together and because
it's the same thing isn't it we
continuously let people back into our
lives that hurt us and that is part of
our vicious cycle M now I know there are
all people out there that have
borderline personality disorder that
have really wonderful loving partners
and but a lot of board liners borderline
it's borderlines can also get into
really unhealthy relationships and
abusive relationships and we can attract
people that aren't necessarily good for
us I've had a quite a few relationships
where the breaker get back together
break up get back together and so why do
we do it why if someone does hurt us do
we let them back in now I remember years
ago I was with the guy and
I'm pausing there because I don't really
like to make any of my exes look bad
because one I'm not in contact with any
of them really
now and and they might have changed and
they can't defend themselves or give
their side of the story
because I appreciate that I was hardware
and and like this is my channel where I
am free to say what I want about me but
I don't want to use it as a place where
I can kinda get back at people for
things that they've done to me by saying
oh they did that under that so that is
where I pause but yes I was with a boy
and who was violent basically I would
often have a black and blue neck and I
must say that I was not one of these
girls that just got battered about and
sat and cowered in a corner I would
always fight back and give as good as I
and I'm not excusing it either by saying
that but the way I see it might be very
different to the way someone else sees
it maybe they think I started it and I
provoked them I don't know and I'm not
justifying it because obviously violence
it never right but I know I will
I wasn't an angel basically so yeah so I
was with this guy I just have buttery
and we would break up most weekends and
by the Monday we were back together and
I would still be bruised up still
fighting and I was dragged across a pub
floor by my hair and I always remember
that day so clearly because the big
garden was full of people and I don't
really remember anyone trying to stop it
happening but that and I used to drink a
lot back then and you've drugged so
again maybe the way I remember is and
how it happened
and but anywho I was in these like
horrid horrid relationships that were
really unhealthy and we would break up
and we would get back together and why
would I why why would I get back with
some that would treat me like that and
make me want to treat them in a way like
it was such a bad relationship but I
just like couldn't walk away from it and
and I think a lot of it was to do with
my black-and-white thinking and that
when we were together I used to just
think I gotta hate him hate him and I'd
have sold that anger and so we would
fight but as soon as he wasn't there in
my face to annoy me I would start like I
did not idolizing him and think he's so
amazing and what if he gets with someone
else and that was a huge fear for me I
didn't want anyone else to have him and
yet I didn't want him but I didn't want
anyone else to have him - I keep kicking
the camera and
and we were together for a year before I
got the courage to walk away for good
and I think the only reason I got the
courage to walk away for good
was someone else that caught my
attention and so I got into that
relationship and again that relationship
was probably worse was even worse and
breaking up getting back together and we
really were not good together and like I
hear about that guy now and I do believe
he has changed from a friend of mine
talking I think he has changed and I
think that's amazing but I think I've
changed as well because like I said I
was no angel and put yet another
relationship and the vicious cycle just
go round and round and round and that's
I can only break when he got someone
else so I was peed off so I got with
someone else and I think a lot of it has
to do with the Black Knight thinking and
when we hate them we really hate them
but then when they're not there we think
of all the good things that would miss
and and like I just said before the
thought of them getting someone else I
did I did not want that and what you've
got well what you realize you if you
have borderline personality disorder as
it's not like we think rationally we
don't we think with our emotional mind
so when we hate him he can do no good no
no good chair he can do no Curtis um
he's just all bad
um and then I might not be say with a
partner and my emotional ones oh my god
so amazing what he gets for someone else
and I cannot rationalize well I could I
could not rationalize and say we'll hang
on this guy has been acting this way
toward you this is not good for your
mental health this is making you go
downhill very very quickly you need to
walk away that wouldn't even come into
it because I'd be off thinking amazing
the way I think as I came into recovery
that changed was when I learned DBT
skills and I learned about the emotional
mind the rational mind and together we
have wise mind and so it's ok to have
emotions but we need to rationalize them
as well and that's so important and now
I'm much better I think
and at seeing things as they are like
actually for what they are and I think a
lot changed as well
not not it's not oh I just think with my
wise man now um but I think as I came
into recovery my self-esteem got built
up because literally it was on the floor
I didn't have respect for myself so how
could anyone respect me I hated myself
so why should anyone love me and but I
got into recovery and I started learning
to love myself eventually in the
beginning I just started to light myself
now the way I see it if I'm treated a
certain way I think hang on how would I
feel if like someone I loved was treated
like that and if I think if I could say
honestly I'd tell that person to walk
away then I am now able to say that to
myself that you do not deserve to be
treated like that
usual way fortunately for me because I
have kind of I've done a lot towards my
recovery and I'm completely different
person than I was and my relationship
today is completely different to the
relationships I used to have it's not a
perfect relationship yes we argue you
know but I think that's normal but I
don't have an argument and it's not I
don't turn to violence or violence
towards myself or all harm myself and
because I don't let my emotion won't run
away with itself
I will rationalize and I can also say
hang on you were out water then or he's
in it than that just take a few minutes
to calm down M for example the other day
myself and my partner had a bit back and
he said things that he shouldn't I said
things I shouldn't and he was like he
looked really don't he like just leave
it now just leave it and there was a
time that I'd just go on and on and on
and I couldn't leave it and I'll push
them and push them and push them but now
I he's him limit merciful okay I'll
leave it and I did I just like that I
went to bed the next day we were finally
talked about it and it was fine and but
that's how it's different like I think
building self-esteem learning to
rationalize things and
I remember there were times I because I
would say break up with the boyfriend
and then not just be like I want to text
him and it's all that texting and and
that that's really not good is kind of
forcing yourself like give your family
member of the Friends of phones they do
not let me contact them even if I'm like
beckon you do not let me contact them
and it gets easier the longer you go it
will get easier but it is difficult to
start with obviously because we're so
used to that cycle and when we kinda I
got to the point when I'd break up with
someone I never felt like we were I
would might feel like I hate them it's
over today but deep down I always knew
would be getting back together and so
you've kind of got to get to the point
that when you make that decision you
make a rational decision if you have to
write the pros and cons of the
relationship and if it is an unhealthy
relationship your pros list will be like
this and your client list will be like
that and when you're getting tempted to
contact them get your list out and have
a look and look at all the reasons why
you should not be in this relationship
believe that they're guys I think I've
ruffled on for quite a bit but I hope
you all enjoy a week and as always I
love you all loads
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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