hi my lovelies today I'm going to do
video requests from matheus and he was
asking me basically about therapists
psychologists who have used what have
worked with what's worked what has
earned was been helpful and also to
mention group therapy which I have done
as well now I didn't really ever have a
choice regarding and my therapists my
psychologist because in this country in
the UK we have the NHS which means a
medical is free which is we are so lucky
and so basically once I was under the
Mental Health System I then started
seeing a psychologist and I would see
separate therapists and I had something
called as something someone called a CP
n which is community practitioner nurse
I think basically this nurse would come
out to my home and see me weekly and
sometimes more often if I was going
through a really bad side sometimes less
often if I was going through a good
stage so uhm I again have been really
fortunate in the fact that all the
psychologists like doctors that I worked
with I've always got on really well with
them I say that but I was talking to my
mom yesterday and she was telling me do
you remember like when you were 18 and
you just would not go to see the doctor
and she said I'll take the day of work
to take you and she literally like be
dragging me out of bed and I've them
hair of a complete mess and I just sit
there like in a mood obviously and
and the doctor would be asking questions
my mum would be setting an RV just
looking around just no interaction so I
think I was absolutely quite hard to
deal with my mum was saying to me it
just felt like they doctors must've
thought this is such a waste of time no
there's people that need help that won't
help and here's you just sat there but I
don't think at that stage when I was 18
I wanted help really I don't think I did
otherwise I would actively sort it and I
kind of didn't I would be him dragged
along to my therapist where I wouldn't
really talk but I wouldn't talk at all
so and yes I've been fortunate that when
I wanted terapy and I started engaging I
did build relationships with my
psychologists and one time I found it
really hard really built good
relationship this lady was my doctor
like a few years and then one day she
had to tell me she was leaving and I was
like oh that's okay inside I was just
like filled with fear like how can you
leave me and it's that fear of
abandonment I suppose but I did get
another doctor and I really liked him he
was great and what you do if you have
some that you don't really get on with
you don't feel that connection and I
would say and to start with like I
didn't have a great relationship with my
daughter straightaway and the doctor
that the female doctor that left she was
will the one I used to sit there life
and not talk and it was like that was
when I was 18 and I think I must have
been
about 25 when she left so I'd been under
her care for a long time and I I wasn't
feeling it to start with but by the end
I had built up a good relationship with
her I say relationship I don't mean like
I was really clinging with her I needed
her I just felt I could tell her
everything didn't have to lie to her I
could be honest and I felt relaxed in
her company when she suggested certain
medications I kind of put my trust in
her I did trust that she would do what
was right for me um but yes I'm
forgetting where I'm going right so
don't just think if you've got a new
doctor there all of a sudden you'll have
this great relationship you're going to
tell them everything and everything's
going to be peach because it just
doesn't happen like that it does kinda
take time and relationships whether like
with your doctor or with whoever they
kinda they take time to build they don't
just happen I say that we have
borderline who are we kidding our
relationships happen like that don't
they but not without therapists they
take longer because we just don't trust
and but I remember having CP n Ashley I
was really fortunate in the fact that
I'd have a CP n and she was wonderful
and then she had to leave another one
leaving me and now I know um from
experience and from knowing other people
that run to the same people some of the
people with borderline literally fell
apart when they found out their
therapist had to leave well the doctor
it was I remember like them everyone
talking about it they're absolutely
devastated it was like someone had died
and
although I kinda I felt really rubbish
inside I think I kinda hit it a lot like
how it's okay though someone new will
come along but when someone has
borderline and they've worked with
someone closely for a long time and that
person leaves that is really really hard
and anyway I've completely gone off
subject now and what I was saying yes so
I was lucky I had CP ends I've gotten
really well with them they were lovely
my CP n had to leave and I got new one
and I don't know if it was because my
mental health like what just wasn't
great at that time but I got this new CP
n and there was just something about her
I didn't trust I thought she was out to
get me
umm like I was I didn't want to tell her
anything I didn't trust her
she had done nothing to make me feel
that and it was kind of like a gut
feeling and the thing is I'm the sole
person that I follow my gut and it
doesn't usually leave me wrong I mean I
remember with my ex-husband for months
and months before I found out about the
emotional affair he'd been having
phoning my friend every day and before
that I just had a gut feeling and I
pulled him on it and he was how can you
even say that mushroom mate what's wrong
with you and all that um but I kept
questioning it and they haven't done
really anything to make me obviously
they have um but nothing that was
outright like because when you say will
make sure you think that I can I just
don't know I really don't know and then
I really started thinking at
my mental health is not good how can I
think that about my best friend my
partner and then obviously it all came
out and asked his luck my gut was right
all along my gut was right why did I not
follow it and so yeah with this CPN I
really just fell and there was I
couldn't trust her and I think because
of that I didn't open up as much I
started just going yeah I'm fine no you
don't need to come next week we can
leave a few weeks I'm fine I'm fine and
actually I really wasn't fine and I
could have done with that support
looking back now I realize I should have
possibly said look I'm not feeling the
connection is there any chance I can
change and just being assertive and just
asked and but I wasn't assertive and so
I kind of just stopped having as many
appointments didn't open up wasn't
honest so it was to the detriment of my
mental health so I would say to you if
there is someone that you're not getting
on wear like it might be a gut feeling
that you just think no but that's hard
to say because I got isn't always right
um I would personally say kind of stick
with it for at least a few appointments
and see how you feel if you still have
that gut feeling whether it's right or
wrong it's worth saying something and
trying to change either your therapist
your doctor your CPN and the reason I
say that is because if you don't then
you're going to bottle it all up and you
do exactly why did you won't see them as
often you won't be as honest and you
won't get them most out of your
treatment which you should get you
should get the most out of it and we
can't if we just don't have that
action but like I said relationships do
take time to build so give it a little
while and hopefully you might start
noticing changes you might feel you can
open up slightly more and and if you can
great if you can again be assertive and
say I don't think this is working would
I be able to change and ginn say a debt
it's nothing to do with you I'm just not
feeling that connection and just be
honest and so I can't come to say what
therapists or psychologists I have
because like I haven't tried lots from
different trusts or and anything I mean
why I always had good doctors and then
I've moved down to the south coast of
England where I live now and my doctor
is so amazing I feel really really lucky
to have him and I feel I can tell him
everything and anything and um he seems
like he just really knows what he's
talking about and I like that and right
so group therapy now I've done group
therapy I did it as part of DBT we did
that as a group I did a dual diagnosis
course which is like foot drugs and
mental health and drug addiction and
mental health I have done a women's
group and which I've talked about before
and I would say group therapy is amazing
but it will well for me I'm not saying
it will for you but it filled me with
anxiety to go because it wasn't just
like I used to get anxious to seeing my
therapist and my psychologist let alone
going and sitting in a room with a load
of people I don't know that really made
me feel very very uncomfortable and I
didn't want to do it
so I used to do silly things like I just
try and make excuses not to go but then
I'd always end up going and because I
did want to get well as well but um I
then turn up lay and I'd have to walk in
when everyone's already in there I don't
and wide defects I actually made it
worse myself I should have just got
there first and been there first as
other people arrive I mean I just have
to knock on the door walk in with all
these faces turn so I'm yeah don't do
wide it um so yet to start with it is a
bit of a you kind of have to have a
little leap of faith and can't make
yourself do it and and go in there
open-minded
don't like try and kid yourself and
think oh we're going to get on
we're just everyone's going to be lovely
because that's not real life you might
like 90% of them but there might be some
that you're personalities clash I'm not
saying you're going to be outright
fighting arguing um because well that
just shouldn't take place it should be
um what's it called supervise they'll be
therapists there but I don't mean like
yeah clash like that but you might just
not feel a connection to son but you
might be drawn to others and so yeah
just go in like just be realistic
there's going to be some you like some
not so much not that you just don't like
them you just don't know them and you
don't connect them and that is fine the
great thing about group therapy is you
are with lots of people that understand
what you're going through and one thing
to tell yourself before you go in there
yes you might be filled with fear and
you might not want to do it but that
chances are they are all feeling exactly
the same and when you're really all
right baby when you realise that it
should kinda take the power out of it
for you
I'm gonna have to stop there my lovelies
because little a sorry you sat down and
I'm happy every day and yeah lovely they
can't be hunting him safe