hi guys sorry I haven't done a video
this past few days I did a load on
Friday that I kind of ablated over the
next few days I feel like I haven't
actually sat down and done a video like
I haven't been with you that makes sense
and I've not been well really like I
keep getting ill I told you about my
iron deficiency so I'm now on tablets
for that I do feel like my energy is
lifting but um this pregnancy's been
really draining on me so hard and only
recently i have noticed my mudra and I
think that was definitely to do possibly
with like the lacquer on the time it's
just the physically drained I'm like so
drained and I mentioned before I'm
getting those old intrusive thoughts and
and I'm getting I'm getting this angle
recently at this rage where I just want
to go like go nuts but I don't but it's
there and not just feel it bubbling away
like getting angrier and angrier and I
know I've got my skills that i can use I
tell you guys but it's like I've been
i'm too lazy to even do anything about
it that's how I've kind of been feeling
and yesterday my partner came over and
uh good chatting hope our relationships
really good at the minute and he does
like he's got work and he's met a girl
at work and they get on she's a student
I think and he always says are such and
such yeah we were talking about this and
he just talks to me why wouldn't he know
he's got nothing to hide we chat no no
that's nice I've starting notes in the
past few times every time I think you've
mentioned this girl like twice this week
rates only twice
and he will he'll say things like oh I
told her to watch your videos and which
is really nice I still think hmm and
then yesterday he said all her student
placements finishing so um she won't be
working with us anymore taking I might
bring some cakes into the office or
something as I ok now just smiling
inside i'm thinking you what big cakes
no that's modeling mm-hmm he's out yeah
she's really nice like we get on really
well mm-hmm gritting my teeth and then
he's like yeah we'll probably like just
staying contact actually because I
wouldn't want to lose contact where
she's really nice girl we've got a lot
in common and litter I just turn around
him I said yeah but if she tries on with
you I'll knock her out now this is
something that I used to see years ago
hey yo do that and I'll do this and it's
not it's not who I am today but
yesterday it really was and then he kind
of laughed knowing her yeah I'm not
joking hi I think I'm bit sick at the
moment but light is like the good thing
we can talk about these things and he
knows I'm feeling a bit insecure or
possibly due to do with the pregnancy
not just it's not just that I have a
huge belly now because I have a little
baby in it it's nothing to do with that
I think it stems from ters with my first
pregnancy I didn't really have the
insecurities my mental health was really
bad but I didn't have the insecurities
and in my second pregnancy with my son
kiyan I didn't have the insecurities
when came the stream that's old i found
out my ex husband had been having this
emotional affair with my best friend
during my pregnancy and it is definitely
since there now I'm so insecure and
pregnancy
and he and my partner instead that is
named Aaron Hunt don't know if I've ever
stood up for Darren and yeah down like
he understands and he was like well
that's why I talked to he said I
wouldn't like just keep it secret like
he said because that's when you know
something's wrong like because I'm
keeping secrets and I'm telling you he
said I'll tell you in a fan I say yeah I
know I relationships really good I'll
still knock her out haha I know he just
couldn't like on the rage then I was
thinking what's this girl after my man
like what you know she's trying to sneak
him away what if she watches my videos
she's probably trying to learn about me
so she can use it against me and um yeah
oh there's really horrid negative put
and I shouldn't be thinking like this
because my self-esteem isn't on the
floor anymore I do feel quite secure in
my relationship well usually I feel
secure in my relationship and but yeah
obviously my mood is not as stable just
right now but I'm not panicking because
I've been a lot lot worse than this and
I've come round and I know it is just a
little phase I'm going through and I
when I had those thoughts and notice
them I don't just dismiss them I notice
them um and then abstract myself and
think about something else my doctors
have written me up for my medication
basically I've stayed on my
antidepressant the antipsychotic haven't
but I have now been written up for it I
don't know if I mentioned that form
probably peed and so I've been written
up for it and basically all I have to do
is if I'm feeling bad it's foam say yeah
can I have that prescription please I
think I need it and last week I was at
the point of light yeah I think I'm
gonna call in the next few days i'm
going to call in the next few days
um but i still haven't i'm still putting
it off because i know what could be so
much worse than i am and so but but but
but that um that's not to say in a week
or so i won't be on the phone can with
my medication three my medication that
i've got an appointment with my doctor
next week so i will see what he says and
and I'd look I'm so smiling and I'm
managing to do a video and houses a bit
of a shithole because I was supposed to
just do house work now but then I was
like oh no I need to do a video I'm
behind I didn't even realize I haven't
been checking my private messages on
facebook been doing on twitter i was
doing them on Instagram me over there on
YouTube the call about facebook when on
their backlog backlog of messages so I'm
trying to work through them so because
I've been working through them I've been
not messaging you guys on YouTube and
I'm not message to my and the people
that follow me on little of Allah
Instagram yeah I'm sucking basically
really but I do want to keep doing my
videos I've been thinking like what's
going to happen right if this baby comes
like how am I gonna do my videos but I
can't wait to show you the little baby
either I can't wait for you to see her
and meet her and but obviously the weeks
that I have her I might not be doing
videos every day I will still try and
get video done because I desperately
want you to be my new little girl when
she arrives and and I love doing these
videos and I love reading your messages
and
because I feel like I feel like I know
you guys and it's it's really really
nice for me especially at the moment
because believe it or not I didn't go
out anywhere I don't get out at the
moment I got home you're my only friends
but now I seriously like cuz i've been
saying tire didn't just rain and anxious
as well i started picking my head again
i haven't been there a time picking like
a rock bloody fleas um so yeah that's
kind of what's been going on for me this
but you know i haven't got long left my
due date is februari the seventh it's
about nine eight nine weeks to and my
children came seven days early one
Keaton came on his due date so anytime
probably from the first of Feb and my of
but then I keep thinking she's coming
early as well because I'm getting all
these Tydings and I mean she'll really
head down red Eve like who and I just
feel like she can't possibly grow any
bigger because if she does I feel like
my belly's gonna burst open literally
let me show you can you see a side-on
look at that can you see that is a huge
um so yes you might come early i don't
know i have a feeling she might but if
she does bear with me I um we'll put it
on my Twitter account Facebook and
obviously i'll probably put a picture
the new baby on instagram so if you run
any of those social media sites you will
see that i have had the baby and that's
why I'm not with you I will be back
definitely because like i said i love
doing videos for you guys so I had
better go because the time is 20 plus 2
for the school run it's that time of
year christmas christmas fair
Christmas plays and because my children
go to different schools now once in the
Junior ones in the infant separate
Christmas plays so I'll sit through two
of them and then I've got the nursery
one so 33 plays and the thing is I feel
like anything to go and that's really
bad but I know all the songs they sing
them constantly constantly similarly in
my ear all the Christmas songs but how
bad is that what bad mother on my aha
right um yeah I sound about another last
year and my son's nativity play everyone
was singing nicely and key and saturday
I'm pulling faces the whole time to me
so um we shall see what happens this
time I'm not as bad as my daughter on
her first everyone when she's reception
she SAT there picking I know through the
whole thing so it's at right front is so
I don't know that child so yeah i'm
gonna go i'm gonna be back on Friday now
to do another video for you guys all
right but how enjoy your week and i will
be back fana lovelies