hi my lovelies and welcome back to my
channel today i'm gonna focus on
toxic people uh the reason i'm doing
this
is because one i've had
numerous messages this week of people
asking advice
about different people whether friends
or family
and in all the different messages
i'm getting i can just see well this
person is really toxic
why are you around them and
being around toxic people can hold us
back
from our recovery also
if you're in recovery
they can drag you backwards and bring
you back to a place where you don't want
to be
so i think it's really an important part
of recovery actually
is to look at the people around you
and just be aware and mindful
of who's good for you
and who's really really not now
it sounds obvious doesn't like it just
sounds like well obviously i know if
someone's toxic they've done something
really horrible
and they're not nice no yes you do
get those toxic people that are out
right everyone can see they're toxic uh
but there's a lot of people that are out
there
are toxic for us and we don't see it
we don't recognize it and so i'm going
to talk to you today about some of the
signs some of the questions
i think you should ask yourself um
regarding people around you now toxic
people
can come in all forms it could be a
friend it could be a family member
it could be a boyfriend or a girlfriend
it could be an ex it could be
a work colleague um
we live in an age of social media so
whereas before we might have just
literally had our real close friends now
we seem to have so many friends
uh and it's actually not the case
most those people we don't actually know
that well
they are more acquaintances
than friends um but to be
fair those people that are way out there
aren't as likely
to cause an impact on our recovery
as it the close one so i am talking
about people that are
in your close circle people that you
talk to
regularly uh
so one of the first
questions i i think to ask yourself is
how
how do these people make you feel how to
how does
how do you feel uh do they make you feel
good
if they make you feel good that's good
if they'd make you feel bad pretty
obvious
maybe they're just not on the same vibe
as you
maybe it's time to just distance
yourself from that person
but some people might come across as a
really good friend
uh but when we leave
we feel drained you feel worn out
uh for example you might have a friend
that is has always got some drama going
on
something going on and they want to moan
to you about it and you're there and you
listen i've talked before about those of
us with bpd we often
actually have real high like empathy
and like i said before often that's why
we get in
bad relationships not all the time but
sometimes we do
with someone with issues because we we
like
we empathize and we think i want to make
them better
and it's just
going to be a complete disaster because
we really need to be focusing on our own
issues
so um
just so you see this friend all the time
and they moan and they moan and we
listen and we listen we're like
but then we leave and we just feel
drained and the next time we see them
because we want to be the supportive
friend we go around there
and nothing's changed they're still
moaning they're still saying the same
stuff
and we're listening but every time we
leave we just
feel completely drained
i would say maybe it's time you kind of
need to step away from this person
because if they're not willing to make
any changes
nothing's going to change for them and
we can keep going back and being that
supportive friend trying to listen
but actually it could be really
detrimental to ourselves and sometimes
we have to put ourselves
first if we want to recover
um
another type of toxic person i found
is you know like you just go around and
certain people they just want
to gossip and talk bad about lots of
other people
and sometimes like you might have a
group of friends and you're with
just say one of the friends and they're
talking bad
about another friend and sometimes
we could get caught up in that this is
not
good for us the way we've got to see it
is if this friend is talking badly about
another friend chances are they're
talking to that other friend
badly about us and
so i would say be really aware does this
person
like to gossip are they always talking
about other people
do they kind of like drama or do they
get um
like almost get off on other people's
misery
another toxic kind of friend
is the friend
that is there for you when you're down
so you you have a crisis and this friend
is
there for you and you think this is an
amazing
friend but when you
get your act together and you're doing
well maybe you get a new boyfriend or a
girlfriend
or you get a good job this person just
disappears
because they like being around you when
there is drama going on
but when things are going well for you
they're not so happy i i've got a friend
who
who had a boyfriend now
this boyfriend was like really good
looking
really nice guy he had a laugh he was he
was nice
but he was lazy he was lazy
and another friend was constantly saying
i wouldn't be putting up with that you
need to get rid of him you deserve
so much better and in the end this
friend
left this guy this guy wasn't perfect
he was lazy but
he was really nice he was an all-round
nice guy
and this girl like my friend she could
not see
that the other friend was jealous
was just jealous of
the fact that she was one in a
relationship because the other one
didn't even have a partner
and so fed off that and kept going oh
yeah don't put up with it and
so she got drawn into moaning about him
this friend kept feeding it and it grew
and grew in her head to the point she
actually left him
uh and i don't think she should have
really
that's another kind of toxic person this
other friend
friend didn't want what was best
for her she didn't it was it was a
jealousy and she didn't like
seeing our friend in a good happy
ish other than being lazy relationship
and
basically persuaded her to make this
huge choice
and it's a choice i don't believe she
should have made
but this is what i'm talking about
sometimes we can have people around us
that we think we think
they care that actually their intentions
are not what they make out them to be
[Music]
i suppose
it's hardest when it's maybe a toxic
parent if you've got a toxic parent
maybe they're really overbearing telling
you what to do
all the time um if you
don't take their advice maybe they're
really critical
uh putting you down constantly uh
not being there for you when you need
them
now the thing is if you've got a toxic
parent chances are they haven't just
become
toxic chances are they've always been
this way
and if that's the case you've actually
probably been
raised by this parent making you feel
that you're not good enough you can
never do the right thing
you're not worth anything and
this becomes one of your core beliefs
so you grow up thinking you're not good
enough
and you can't do the right thing so you
don't try
really to do things that you could
possibly do because you've been made to
feel
so unworthy and i'm like incapable
uh
and when it's in this kind of
like when you're in this kind of dilemma
i suppose you then become
the adult that is almost like that child
still
desperately wanting their parent to be
like yeah you're amazing
but the thing is this parent is like
very very unlikely to change
and no matter how much you seek approval
you're never ever gonna get it
and it's harsh and it shouldn't be like
that
because it's not fair but unfortunately
this does happen this i i hear this
a lot from people and
my advice is your parent is toxic
you need to
like cut ties you need to step away you
don't have to completely
cut them out your life but
i suppose the way you get around that
and overcome it i mean is
you learn to love yourself
you learn that you are enough that you
are worthy that you can do things
and when you've got that self belief and
self love
then you won't even want it from this
parent
you just won't want it you will begin to
see
for yourself that this parent is
actually
really damaging um
for for you and is you do not need this
sort of person
around you um
it is hard with families i suppose
because
they're family but i
i was having this conversation the other
day actually
uh with my mom and uh
i kind of said it's strange like because
we obviously can't choose our family
um but we kind of can
like we can have that friend that is
like a sister to us
you might have a sister that you don't
get on with or a brother
that you don't get on with and then have
a
girlfriend or a girlfriend um
that is like a brother or sister and
they're a friend and that's okay
surround yourself with people that want
the best for you
don't surround yourself with people
that don't have your best interest at
heart
and like i said earlier sometimes they
can come across
like they do have your best interest
at heart
but there's an ulterior motive behind
that and maybe that is fed from jealousy
maybe it was their need for drama maybe
it's their need for control
but once we recognize this then we can
do something about
it
but i suppose that's why i wanted to do
this video because so
often we when it's
not blatantly obvious that we're around
toxic people until we question it
and then after questioning it we can sit
back and go
yeah actually this person does they're
always
like saying bad stuff about everyone
they're always talking down about people
they love
talking about other people
i'm really kind of conscious today i
make a real conscious
effort of not talking
bad about people don't get me wrong we
can all
slip up from time to time um
but as soon as we become aware of it
just stop
unless we've got something nice to say
about people why
why say it like
but you will often find toxic people
like
the miserable people they will come
together and they look
they they kind of thrive on that
talking bad about people and sometimes
it's people
that you think are really spiritual
and really well or maybe religious you
know people that you just wouldn't
expect
to be toxic and they're very good at
looking at everyone else's faults but
they
do they like completely blind to their
own
so if you do like
think of someone and think yeah actually
this this person's not good for me
don't think oh i'm just going to tell
them and they will change because these
people
i don't think will um
you're likely just to cause yourself
more problems sometimes it's easier just
to kind of back away like i said
it doesn't have to be like cutting this
person out completely
so for example just say you have got a
friend that likes to moan
constantly about how bad their life is
and you want to be that good friend
fair enough but if it's getting to the
point you're drained
when you leave there then it's time for
you to back away
it doesn't mean you have to cut them out
but it does mean
don't see them as often if you're
feeling like
not great on a day don't go around there
that is going to make you feel
worse another thing i just thought
often like again we will go out our way
and do so much to help people and
just be there for them a question to ask
yourself
is would this person do it for you
if it was the other way around would
they do it for you
and again this can be whether it's a
boyfriend a
friend a girlfriend family
a work colleague just ask yourself
would this person do for me what i do
for them now obviously we don't go
around doing things
for people uh just to have
stuff back but
give and take it's the sign of like a
good friendship isn't it it can't
be all one way if it is you're gonna
be like grow resentful and
that doesn't feed your soul very well
you're not gonna feel good
if you've got if you're full of
resentment for people
so it's something to consider
just think about who's around you
who is good for you who
really doesn't have your best interest
at heart
and is just feeding off drama
or is jealous and wants bad for you
i'm gonna leave that there guys uh i'm
really tired
tonight and the kids are on their half
term
break now so i will love you and leave
you
i will possibly live stream tomorrow
but i will give you some notice night
guys love you