hi guys happy Friday today I'm gonna do
three video requests in one video but
they're all linked basically Melissa hi
Melissa asked me to talk about we'll do
a video for families on how to deal with
the BPD loved one like a child then I
had suffering slowly hello suffering
slowly and asked me to talk about like
things to help you understand if your
partner has BPD and I had a video
request on Instagram and she said she
has BPD and she basically said how she
freaks out if her partner has to go to
work or he has to go away on business or
he just has to go and she freaks out
okay video so yeah they're all very much
linked they're obviously the young lady
on Instagram she's in the thick of it
and she's freaking out whenever her
partner goes anywhere and that is very
much fear of abandonment stepping in now
for family members the way I'll try to
explain it is those of us with BPD are
emotionally like a three Road now if we
were to look at a little three-year-old
boy yoga and their mom is going to work
and they freak out and they're crying
and they're so upset because they do not
want their mom to leave them we would
look at them with sympathy and they all
bless oh poor child
just misses its mom or misses its dad
it's dad his or her dad um but when a
fully grown person like me or you does
that and freaks out
when someone is either going to work
whether it's our mom or dad or our
partner all of a sudden it's weird and
people think oh like what's wrong with
them why are they behaving like but
actually I know on the outside we are
fully grown and so yes it's bloomin
terrifying like to see a fully grown
person have a borderline meltdown which
is what we do but it is actually no
different to that three year old now
three-year-olds when they have that
tantrum that freak out I've talked about
it before the brain the prefrontal
cortex which is responsible for their
rational thinking shuts down it's not at
work it's our limbic system which is our
emotional brain at work that's
responsible it's basically our survival
brain our emotional brain and once that
kicks in there is no stopping us because
we cannot rationalize and that is what
happens in a three-year-old that is also
what happens in a fully grown person
with borderline personality disorder
there is no reasoning with them that
part their brain is not open to
rationalize with you but like I said
when you see a little three-year-old
doing it it's like oh they just miss
them on let me just miss their dad but
with an adult it's creepy that's how
people view it I would say if you have a
son or a daughter who has it or you are
a partner and your partner has
borderline personality disorder try to
understand that this fear of abandonment
that you're going to leave them
it doesn't just feel like oh they might
Eva it feels like it's gonna happen it
is so real to us
because it feels so real we go to any
lengths to avoid being abandoned now if
a little three-year-old was going to go
to any lengths to stop their parents
going to work they might hang off their
parents trouser leg
scream eat me they might block the door
so no one can go past no one go out the
door um and that's what we do not
necessarily hanging off the leg oh I'm
pretty sure I have done that before
trying to stop some go out following
them because because we're adults we can
do more than that three-year-old can do
we can get in a car and drive and follow
someone and turn up at their work and do
these things but I would say for like
family members try to understand that
it's not that your loved one is a bad
person and it's not like that they're
purposefully doing this it's they just
cannot regulate or control their
emotions at the moment now we can learn
to do that with therapy and doing
different kind of treatments it is
possible for us to get to the stage
where we can control that but I mean our
fear of abandonment it's not even just
like our emotions like this and we know
that we can't regulate them but also a
lot of it can stem from our core beliefs
core beliefs are things that we believe
are real that we have grown up to think
or real so for example you might have a
core belief that all men Ruchi
or we might have a core belief that
marriage never lasts we might have a
core belief that no one can be trusted
and these are things we've grown up with
believing so much and they really
heightened our fear of abandonment and
make it so much worse for us and as a
parent if you're a parent and you have a
child with it it's really hard because
with parents we kind of have this
unconditional love and unfortunately
when we have that it's the the ones that
we know love us that actually we lash
out and we hurt the most and they can
get blamed for everything and they see
the very very worst of us so it's the
cap and they see the very very worst of
us I would if your child has borderline
try and just be there for them and
support them and listen to what they
have to say which is difficult I know
it's difficult because sometimes our
parents want to talk to us and we just
lash out because we take every single
thing to mean something awful and we
take things the wrong way we perceive
things differently we think in black and
white and it's really really difficult
for family members to sit down and just
have a conversation with us sitting down
having a conversation certainly
shouldn't happen if we are in a crisis
and I know your family members will
desperately want to reason with us and
try and help us see sense but when we're
in a crisis with we're not going to be
listening what you can do is maybe help
us distract like because that is one of
the skills we learned that when we are
in a crisis if we can just distract
ourselves momentarily and family members
can help with that
taught good time to talk would be when
we are calm
and here's the thing I so often like you
think I mean sit down and talk about the
borderline but actually no just sit down
and talk about just daily staff like how
was your day talk about hoppy talk about
our film you've seen something you've
read in the newspaper
probably nothing sad because that can
trigger us cuz we're highly emotional
but just have a normal DVD conversation
with your child because we can often
feel it's all about the VPD and we can
get caught up in that and it's actually
good for us to realize there's other
things out there to talk about and it
takes the focus off ourselves which is
good because we always kind of feel
everyone's walking around on eggshells
around us which they probably are but
it's really not a nice feeling for us I
know it's not a nice feeling for the
family members because they're the ones
walking on eggshells
but that kind almost triggers us even
more like why are you walking like that
around us what do you think we can say
and then then an argument will follow
and if your child has borderline I would
highly suggest you try and get them into
a treatment program some kind of group
therapy and just be there for them and
understand that things can improve we
often when we're in the thick of it we
see no light at the end of the tunnel we
think life's always gonna be like this
it's so hard and if we had family
members there saying you know what
you're gonna be ok you can do this and
just giving us that little bit of hope I
think that's really helpful and the
problem is when you have a teenager that
has borderline personality disorder it's
really hard to know what's the board
personality disorder and what's the
hormones because teenagers do have a
huge surge of hormones I did as a
teenager I did when I was pregnant
that's the joys of being a woman you've
got the right the monthly hormones as
well but I would say when the teenager
who has borderline everything's so much
worse and listen to your child I've done
a video on this before and because I was
asked by a young girl if your child says
look something's not right
listen to them don't just pass office
you're just a hormonal teenager because
I knew something wasn't right with me
I had no idea what it was but I knew it
wasn't just being a teenager it was so
much more so if they turned you and want
to talk to you about their doo-doo just
listen to what they say try and get them
the help be there for them but make time
for you too because so often like I said
it's all about the person with
borderline especially if it's your child
and you make them your world and you
just want to save them because they're
your precious little baby but if you do
that and you don't see your friends and
you isolate and you don't do anything
for you actually you're gonna make
yourself unwell and you won't be able to
be strong and be there for your child
when you need to be so it's vital that
one like you take care of yourself that
health wise eat regularly get sleep you
also make time to talk to someone that
you trust whether it's a close friend
because family members often don't feel
they can talk to anyone because they
might be so angry at their child but
it's okay for family members angry a
little but if they say it to someone
else and someone goes oh what brat
there's a parent and I don't talk about
my child like that and you can get quite
defensive so a lot of time parents don't
want to talk to people because they
don't want people to judge their child
if you feel like that I mean it's
probably worth having counseling just so
you can go maybe every few weeks and
just talk about how you feel because
your feelings matter - I know that your
child with borderline is really really
suffering but so are you suffering
slowly profess the same suffering that's
exactly what families are but then so
the people with borderline but as a
family member you have to make sure you
have time for you do something nice for
you
what was I going to say I was just going
to say something else boundaries that
set boundaries if you you you need to
put boundaries in place it's very easy
to say yeah but they have borderline you
ever but actually you know you you
deserve to be treated with respect and
with kindness and I know we don't always
do that I am very aware that actually we
probably do the complete opposite of
that but you can put boundaries in place
and you can I've done a video on it
before and it's kind of discussing the
boundaries with your loved one at time
when they calm and just saying like for
example if you smash my house arm I am
going to call the police next time you
do that it's not that I don't love you
but this is my home and you cannot do
that and the thing that boundaries is
once you've put them in place if it
happens you have to do it because if you
don't we will keep on pushing and
knocking those boundaries down so it is
vital that you kind of stick with them
I've talked before about my partner when
I used to go absolutely nuts and he
would
he sound next time you do that I'm just
walking away it's not that I don't love
you and I will come back bar I'm going
to walk away and then and that's what he
did and I chased him down the road like
trying to kick his car
so angry that he dared walk out and the
next time I chased him just down the
hallway and then next time I didn't
chase him I just text him lots of
abusive messages but eventually I kind
of got used to it and I accepted he
would just go and I knew he would come
back and actually I used that time to
calm myself down and then when he came
back we could either talk about it or
just carry on and not make a big deal
out of it so yeah that's what I would
say for parents for the partner it is
really hard as a partner because like I
said with parents it's not unconditional
love most of the time with partners it's
not you've chosen to be in this
relationship and you can choose very
easily to walk away from it and so many
partners do because we literally destroy
some of our partners like emotionally
physically we can be so hurtful we can
say the worst things we can do the worst
things we can be so clingy we can be so
obsessive we project onto them we think
in black and white they never know where
they stand one minute we're there like
here and we're idolizing them next time
they're on the floor we coffee think
their bag of rubbish and they don't have
to stay in this relationship the problem
a lot of partners have with walking away
is that the relationship with someone
with BPD is often so intense and so then
for it to end is just like they're left
often still wanting that partner because
they liked the intensity of the
relationship
but it's so hard for a partner because
it's not that unconditional love that
parent gives a child and partners put up
with so much from us as well like
stalking them turning up at they'll work
embarrassing them in front of friends
constantly blaming them for things that
they haven't done putting words in their
mouth and saying they did this or said
that when they didn't and the whole
relationship is like a roller coaster
and our emotions are like a roller
coaster
and we can't control them and we can't
get off but it's like our part is
strapped him beside us coming along for
the ride but they have a choice they can
get off and sometimes they do sometimes
they don't but when they don't they're
left like in a complete mess not knowing
what to do loving this person so much
but being so so hurt it can be really
really hard like I said and for parents
with anyone really it's like that
three-year-old
there is no reasoning with us and if we
saw a three-year-old getting upset but
their mom or dad for going to work we
would have sympathy but partners can see
us as really clingy and not wanting to
let go and they get angry at us but if
we were a three-year-old you wouldn't
get angry that three-year-old
you'd be much more understanding but our
mind is working exactly we are
emotionally like a three-year-old we
can't help it we don't want to feel this
way but what this is what we do and
again as if like it was a parent I would
suggest putting boundaries in place
understanding that if your BPD loved one
and you are in a relationship
and they do not want to accept any
therapy they don't want any help
chances are nothing's going to change
the relationship is going to go on if
however they are in therapy and they are
trying please understand that recovery
is not overnight it takes time
but it is so worth it and eventually you
can have a stable healthy relationship
but for now it's going to just be there
for them the same kind of advice for a
parent talk to them about something
other than VPD do something nice even if
it's fortnightly go to the cinema
together go for a walk together where
you don't talk about the borderline and
you have some fun because that's the
thing when we have fought along week
ended we stopped having fun because life
is just so painful and it's kind of
making us l say okay we are going to
have a fun day and I know some of you
worried and thinking yeah but that
doesn't always work because sometimes we
have fun it always ends in disaster and
I think that's because when we're having
so much fun the emotions can go so
intense and then by the end of the day
they come crashing down say maybe don't
have too much fun just do something
mellow something chilled but just have
time together with no drink or drugs
involved because they will make
everything worse and they often lead to
huge arguments did I cover everything
well I've spoken for 21 minutes so I'm
going to stop but I hope you all have a
wonderful weekend and I will be back
next week I'm going to try and do one
more video today actually that was a
different topic to this one so but have
a wonderful weekend and as always I love
you all lids