hi guys today I'm doing a video request
from I burden Folsom high iben and she
asked me how can a boyfriend validate my
emotions although he doesn't understand
them now this video will work for anyone
with a loved one with BPD because
validating our emotions is extremely
important most people don't understand
how we feel unless you have borderline
personality disorder chances are you
just won't get the intensity of the
feelings now borderline personality
disorder is part biological it's part
environmental many of us in childhood
have suffered some kind of trauma it
could be neglect it might be divorce it
might be the loss of loved ones death
etc many of us have also grown up like
as a child having our feelings
invalidated now what I mean by that is
comments such as she's just being a
drama queen you're so dramatic
boys don't cry this or thing other ways
of us having our feelings invalidated
include shouting at us for our intense
feelings ignoring us completely violence
disciplining and punishing us for our
intense feelings and the thing is if we
grow up having our feelings invalidated
we don't actually learn how to regulate
those emotions and so it can lead on to
emotion dysregulation which is one of
the traits of BPD those intense and
unstable emotions so in adulthood people
can also invalidate our feelings we
might have friends that think all you
like you've reacted a bit OTT like why
did you react your
because here's the thing to the outside
world we could have something happened
that seems really really minor but we
react in a major major major way and so
our reaction seems completely out of
proportion for what happened and that's
when Outsiders think we've just
overreacted or we're putting on to
create drama or completely faking it
because they don't understand they don't
understand and understanding is huge
it's like key for loved ones to kind of
learn about this disorder and realize no
we're not putting on our feelings are
actually this intense and yes we react
in a major way to minor things that's
how it is so I must point out as well
actually that by validating someone's
emotions it doesn't mean you're agreeing
with them so for example you're late
home from work you're five minutes late
home and you're borderline loved one has
had a meltdown because they thought
you're not coming home so this seems to
the person without BPD completely
illogical this does not make sense I'm
five minutes home that is it you were on
the floor having a complete meltdown
what's going on so it doesn't mean you
agree or accept like you think yeah
they're right because chances are you
won't think that very rarely what do you
think actually yeah I think that was the
right reaction to have for me being five
minutes late you spread out on the floor
screaming but it doesn't mean you can't
polity I've I've
people even validate me in adulthood and
it's things like maybe you need your
meds act or is it the VPD playing up we
don't need to hear that we just need
someone to understand this is how we're
feeling because here's the thing our
feelings are our feelings someone else
can't feel our feelings they can try to
understand them a bit and they can trust
us that when we react this way it's
because we are feeling this way rather
than thinking surely you can't feel that
way because that's invalidating so how
do you validate someone's feelings the
first thing that we need we need to be
listened to you need someone to like
actually just sit and listen to us and
not jump in with judgmental comments or
criticizing like yeah but was a bit of
an overreaction we don't need to hear
that we just want to be heard
so I'll say listen to us sympathize with
us not in a patronizing way not like Oh
Oh bless you you're really upset because
we're not going to take kindly to that
neither are we going to take kindly to
if we believe that you are pitying us we
don't want to be pitied we just want you
to show some sensitivity to the way that
we are feeling show us compassion maybe
we just need a hug and to be told that
we loved and if you told your feelings
are valid and empathize now like I said
our feelings are our feelings you can't
feel our feelings but try and put
yourselves in our position just try for
a minute thing okay if I was reacting
like this I must be really upset and
then because you
can understand like you you're putting
yourself in our position chances are you
will be more compassionate you will be
more sympathetic to us now if like my
partner - x8 and I three myself home
floor screaming shouting which is
completely irrational it is but it is
caused that doesn't mean just because
it's irrational it doesn't mean I'm not
actually feeling that I'm still the
upset so when my partner comes through
the door and I'm on the floor crying
first of all if I attack him or I tries
to smash the house up the best thing to
say is no I can see you're really upset
but now it's probably not good time for
me to talk to you I'll come back a bit
later because you have to have
boundaries in place as well but if I'm
not violently attacking him or smashing
the house up I'm just really really
upset
the first thing he needs to do is listen
without butting in to what I have to say
then he can say something like I see you
really angry or I can see you're really
upset what caused this ask your question
sometimes we might know what caused it
sometimes we know but by engaging in
that and asking us question we feel like
we're being heard I might say oh I
thought you were never gonna come home
and I hate you you should phoned me now
you don't have to grovel them say I'm so
sorry
because you actually haven't done
anything wrong you're five minutes late
so I'm not saying you need to go I'm so
sorry but you can just say I'm sorry you
feel this way um without saying I'm
really really sorry you can sympathize
without actually apologizing
and yeah you might say I'm really sorry
you feel this way can we talk about it
or what do you think might help and just
talk to us because you know I said
earlier like the invalidation if
someone's like you're overreacting or
you're just being a drama quick that's
gonna make us so much worse by
validating us it has the opposite effect
it doesn't make our feeling go away
you're not gonna go are you understand
how you feel and we go so right now
thanks for that that's not real but what
it will do is help decrease the
intensity slightly to start with and
then with that decrease we can then
hopefully learn to regulate regulate
that emotion and calm ourselves down so
validation is extremely important for us
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so a my computer enough yeah validation
is extremely important we just need to
be heard and understood it doesn't mean
we are being rational because I never
said we are being rational because I've
talked about this before and said
actually the rational part of our brain
stops working so yes we might be being
irrational but that does not stop how we
feel and we just need someone to say
okay this is how you're feeling and I
understand you feel this way and I
believe that you feel this way because
that's the thing so often we are made to
feel that no one believes us this is how
upset I am and no one gets it and it
makes it so much harder saying I'll be
back in week I love you all