hi guys today I am doing a video request
basically about going in to hospital
voluntarily so where we are not
necessarily sectioned what we aren't
sectioned but we ourselves say okay I'm
going to go in to hospital and stay
there and it sounds so scary doesn't it
and I went into hospital and I lived
there in three months when I was 21 I
wasn't actually sectioned and I was I
forced on there little bit by my mother
but she did it for my own good as I've
said in other videos I was regularly
overdosing on pills on a commit suicide
and the hospital just kept sending me
home until my mum put her foot down I
said you will take her are you waiting
for her to die
um and I mean when I actually went on
there I was completely kinda out of
there I'd taken so many meds I'll take
some drugs I was drunk but so I didn't
really know what was going on and but I
went in voluntarily and I had to sign
something I didn't like signing your
life over and so I went on and I sign
and basically I think from signing that
there was something I wasn't and then
allowed to leave for 21 days I was
handing myself in they would watch me
for 21 days and after that I could then
make the decision but obviously I lived
there for three months and it was one of
the best things that ever happened to me
did I enjoy every minute of my stay not
really who who would but did I need it
yeah and I did what I needed to do
because there were times I would phone
my mum and say I'm leaving I'm just
going to leave and my mom would just say
just think about what you're doing to
think and I would when I'd calm down and
I think do you know what I'm actually
lucky there are not that many spaces on
these mental health wards there are
people that are crying out to get on
them and Here I am back to give up my
space and walk off when actually I'm in
the safest place because I was really
vulnerable by being on there obviously
long-term I've said before the
psychologists the therapists they were
able to watch my behavior for like
longer periods so they could assess me
and because it's very hard for a
psychologist or a therapist to kind of
see all our behaviors they might see us
at our weekly or monthly appointment so
they hear what we tell them
basically we're here they're actually
seeing us in our day-to-day going about
our day and I was full of fear when I
went on there I cried and cried she like
I did half there were little sounds so
sad now but I was so angry that my mum
had put me on there to save my life
leave or not
not as angry but they had little pins
notes borne on sticking pins in me like
so so angry and I'll show / or sticks
these little Oh Satan not safety pins
well they called just tiny your pins
that you pin stuff up on the boards but
yet I stuck them all in my arm and in
anger I did not want to be there and it
took a while because I think it was the
thought I can't just go out now I can't
do what I want to do I'm here I've
volunteered to be here and now
stock here and I had a real fear around
that I did not want to be told what to
do or forced into anything I did not
know the people on there I
I was scared I think I was really really
scared and it was like I'd given up my
freedom but actually now looking back I
see that my time on there helped towards
my freedom in later life I'm free from
this illness free from the board line
because it was a big big huge stepping
stone on my road to recovery and I got
tried on different medication and it
slow as stable say that was useful I was
no longer under the influence of drugs
and alcohol because I was on here on
this unit and I started having regular
meals something I just hadn't done we
were not allowed to stay all day in our
pajamas we had to get up and get rest
and I started getting some kind of
routine and I was safe I was safe I
couldn't self-harm
I couldn't just disappear in the middle
of the night for my family it was huge
because they knew I was safe and it's
what I needed
my tummy just fumbled I hope you didn't
hear that over at La um yeah like I got
working with a therapist um Yolanda and
Yolanda have actually been my therapist
before I'd like lived on this unit
she was my I was it anger management I
did anger management with her but then I
came onto here and I met her again she
worked me and she actually worked with
me for years and years after and I
still in contact with her today although
she's now left but she had such a huge
impact on my recovery Yolanda Williams
for selling and I'm the support I got
from her and the love I got from her and
and she was so wonderful that she would
I would want to go to like therapeutic
day unit basically the tdu was where we
could do pottery or painting and cooking
and before I thought I'm not doing that
but then I had to andrás my therapy it's
not like I want to see you Lander and I
could just sit and talk and it was your
lamda that got me onto DBT and so like
she pretty much helped save my life and
she was always wonderful would talk to
my mom as well
and I know I'm kind of going off a bit
here but I'm trying to say is like I met
this wonderful wonderful lady by being
on this mental health unit something I
never thought would happen and I say if
if you have the option of saying okay I
just want to go somewhere for the time
being that well like I will be safe
yeah it is scary but is it worth it yeah
if it can keep you safe just while
you're really vulnerable just so you can
build up a bit of strength to you're
okay to go back out there and start
facing life from life terms again in the
meantime I would say go for it
[Music]
it's weird because in the end I didn't
actually want to leave there but I had
been on there for long enough I think I
started to become a bit
institutionalized I did not want to
leave I felt really safe there and I did
not want to go out in a big bad world
but I had to eventually and but I didn't
need to be on there longer
and it was important that I did go back
out there and and it's only now from my
experience and of being on there that I
can see just how helpful it was and it
is a scary thing volunteering yourself
to go on to a mental health what I mean
who wants to do that but you've got
think if you are vulnerable and you are
at risk why would you not want to give
yourself an opportunity to go somewhere
where you can be looked after you can be
kept safe and you can slowly build a
little bit of strength back so that when
you come out you are a bit stronger and
so for me going on there was a good
thing a scary scary scary to start with
but I'm really happy and that was my
experience because like I said it set me
almost a way to recovery I don't think
I'd be here now well I wouldn't be here
now and had I not been on that ward so
I'm going to leave that there my
lovelies and I'm hoping to do another
video but I've got to get the kids it is
my son's sixth birthday in two weeks but
I'm having a joint birthday party
because for those that have been with me
a while you know I go a bit mad on my
kids birthday party's off like um like
mum Zilla kind of getting everything
perfect for the party but this year I
was like I've done parties every if the
past few years I am NOT doing it anymore
I am having a year off from parties it
one just cost too much money too the
stress is just not worth it and so yeah
I'm not doing it but luckily my little
boy he has his best best friend at
school and their birthdays are four days
apart so his mom was doing a party so
that's doing a joint one so it's crazy
hard zrz and and no stress because the
place we're doing at they do everything
the kids have hopped in a having a nerf
gun party so if it sounds fun so they've
just we've just invited all the boys
because I think it might be a bit rough
for the girls knowing what six-year-old
boys are like poor little girls wouldn't
know what hit them so um I've got that
fish that party this weekend to look
forward to and yeah what did they say
the other day it's really funny they
went to the park the other day and then
they picked me my little girl have
picked me loads of bluebells she came in
there mommy a picture loads of bluebells
I love them I love them thank you thank
you thank you and I'm a little boy was
like oh I bet you don't love me because
I didn't pick you any because I was
playing huh and I didn't even get same
thing my little girl just home ran away
of course she still loves you silly how
can you think she doesn't love you she
just likes me a bit more it really very
laughs used to see my boy face it was
really really funny um but yes I am
going to go there was something else I
wanted to tell you what was that
something happened to me something
happened to me I'd really weird dream
that I was there I'll quickly add this
in quickly and for any of you that might
be able to or what's it called what's it
called like dissect dreams and tell me
what does this
me right so I dreamed that I went up my
daughter's school and I had the baby
Lottie
but Lottie wasn't a baby she was a
ferret and she had a tail and the
teacher was like oh is this your pear
and I know this my little girl I know
she's really hairy and it was like
perfectly normal she had like little
ferrets now and she's sniffing my I was
naughty now straightening her tail and
then I walk through not showing off my
ferret baby to the class and it was just
so much but I did think I have been
having lots of fun on snapchat I don't
use it for that like social networking
side I don't really have a clue but I do
like the filters I'm going to like show
you what one can you see that
how can you see it oh hello I don't know
if you saw but anyway yeah I've been
having fun on that and I think chances
are maybe I have had fun I have fun on
they're like really hideous that's me
it's me on the hideous filters I think
the other one look is PE I look I think
there's a fun day hey it's me um yeah I
think I've had too much fun on that and
that is why possibly I am now dreaming
my baby is a ferret so but anyway I'm
going to go we go I'll go and check the
kids and I will see you and leek love
you will what bag