hi guys happy Friday today I'm doing a
video request from valiantly huh hello
and she asked me to talk about what
healthy relationship looks like and the
steps you take to get there now for the
sake of this video I'm going to talk
about what a healthy relationship looks
like
I think the steps to get there are so
there are so many kind of different
routes and the reason for that is we
know unstable relationship intense montt
stable relationships is a trait of
borderline personality disorder but it's
not the only trade we also have our fear
of abandonment a negative self-image
error in splicer vanga our intrusive
thoughts etc etc and so if we just try
to focus on the relationship but we
don't try and sort any of the other
traits out our relationships going to
carry on being unstable because like I
said there's so many different factors
for why our relationships are unstable I
suppose with someone who doesn't have
BPD and doesn't have these other traits
and they just have relationship issues
that's something they can just solely
focus on but for us it's not the case we
do need to kind of treat it as the full
package so what does the healthy
relationship look like because I know
what a really really unhealthy
relationship looks like and all my past
relationships are really really
unhealthy I never trusted anyone oh I
would stalk people
I was obsessive I would accuse them of
stuff constantly I was verbally and
physically abusive
I would manipulate now I hate that word
because to manipulate someone it's
you're consciously trying to make them
do something you want to do and it
wasn't a conscious thing it was just
subconsciously I would do it so I don't
really like that word but I can
understand why Outsiders would say we're
manipulative
so yeah my my relationships were not
healthy and but today I have a healthy
ish relationship and the reason it's
healthy ish as opposed to healthy is
that I'm human and my partner's human
and we're all human humans make mistakes
and that's okay and it's okay to
recognize that there are times I might
be feeling insecure and so I lash out
and just say things that I might not
mean and sometimes I might perceive
something he said to not be actually
what he said but I can recognize that
now I would say the key thing in a
healthy relationship is communication
those of us with BPD struggle with this
one because our perception of things can
be different too because we often don't
feel like we're heard and so we can
bottle up our feelings and we let them
build and build and build and eventually
we just explode whereas if we kind of
talked regularly about our feelings
about any resentments that we're
building that's a lot healthier because
you're letting it out gradually and as
opposed to just letting it build I used
two people please through the max and
want to be the perfect partner but the
reason I did that was because I wanted
them to be like oh my god she's so
amazing and they might have been like
that to start with but eventually it
wore off and then I built a resentment
with them because they weren't grateful
for me my wonderfulness and yes well I
would build the her resentment I hold on
to and then they do something else that
annoyed me another resentment building
building building till I was like ah and
I it's like a demon woman so it is
important to be able to talk regularly
without holding things in but there's
more to communication than
just talking it's how we communicate and
communication isn't just talking it's
being able to listen and just as we
would like our views to be respected and
our feelings to be respected we too
should be respectful of our partners
feelings so if they're not happy about
something rather than just going on the
attack just listen and think okay well
their feelings are valid just as our
feelings are valid it doesn't mean we
have to agree with them but we can
listen in a lot the time like I said
about the manipulation I wanted things
to go my way and if it didn't go my way
I threw my toys out the prime
relationships are very much based on
compromise we you can never agree 100%
on everything all the time you might
pretend you can but that will just build
the resentment in the long run but you
can compromise on things and so both
partners feel that they've been heard
and listened to and respected
codependency is one that I hear a lot
and obviously codependency is not
healthy neither is being independent
100% of the time a good healthy
relationship is kind of based on
interdependence where you feel connected
to your partner you feel supported by
your partner but you're also able to
feel independent because there are
always times where sometimes we just
need to lean on someone and have a bit
of support we don't have to feel like
we're on our own all the time at the
same time we don't want to rely on
someone a hundred percent and boundaries
having boundaries in place things we do
not accept and that's both ways I mean
it's really important for partners of
people with BPD to have boundaries in
place to protect themselves but also for
us to have boundaries
any relationship can have boundaries and
one of those is having trust so I
wouldn't particularly like it if my
partner just wanted to go through my
phone all the time and be checking my
emails all the time
because I mean if he did there's nothing
there for him to see that he'd be like
hum but it's kind of just having that
try something actually I haven't done
anything to kind of betray your trust
and just likewise I would never dream of
going through his I had this
conversation with him the other day
because his phone was out and it was
unlocked and it was on the side and I
couldn't just look down and I'm making
coffee and I felt myself Wow a few years
ago I would have been like going through
checking his whatsapp checking his
messages and now I don't want to do that
cuz I respect his privacy and we have
trust in our relationship now Trust is
something that takes time to build it
doesn't happen overnight but I find
you've kind of got to put your trust in
someone to a certain extent if they then
break that trust that is different at
least to start with you kind of put your
trust in each other
and so yeah boundaries are important
things and the boundaries something
right this is what I will not tolerate
so for example if he decided to my pront
decided I'm going out for a few nights
and I'm not gonna tell her where I'm
going up that's crossing a boundary for
me you don't do that to your partner you
don't do that someone you love I would
be really really annoyed at that and and
that's okay I think I have a right if he
did that I think I would have a right to
feel that way likewise if I just decided
to go on out for a weekend and not call
him tell him where I'm going and just
disappear he would have a right to be
annoyed because I would have crossed a
boundary
although going out is important while
having
separate lives having our separate
friends being allowed to see other
people we don't have to live in each
other's pockets
my partner's like the other and the
night can I go out with my work friends
for dinner yeah that would be really
good for you but there was a time that
that wouldn't have happened I would have
said no you can't do that and I would
make him feel so guilty that he wouldn't
want to go but today is different and I
have trust in him and I know the
importance of him socializing and us not
living in each other's pockets and he
went out for dinner he came back he was
in a great mood he had a lovely time and
bearing in mind he works with nearly all
women as well and so once upon a time
that would have been such a big no-no
for me but like I said we've kind of
built up trust I also know I'm powerless
over him if he was going to cheat he is
going to cheat no matter how much I say
no you're not going with your workmates
or you're staying here but that's
probably gonna make him do even more so
I kind of think it were just gonna
happen it's gonna happen but for my own
sanity it's good for me to trust him
because when I didn't trust people I
felt like I was going insane constantly
and the intrusive thoughts would
literally mean around my mama 24/7 and
that was not good for me I constantly
walk around with that knot in my stomach
that's sick feeling like oh my God he's
gonna cheat on me like completely out of
the blue and then think I'm gonna be
sick because it just felt so real and
that was not a nice way for me to live
and I don't apply that today and it's so
wonderful and that's not to say like I
would never get insecure because I think
again human we can have our insecurities
and but I don't let them completely take
over me
and I don't let them interfere with my
relationship with my partner I can even
talk to him now having such a bad I feel
so yeah and we can just talk about it
and when I'm like that he can then
support me by nice nothing oh you're not
there and that's what I mean about being
able to support one another as well so
when we have times like that we do have
someone that we can count on and another
important thing is to have fun because
it can so often turn into like Groundhog
Day day in day out work arguments work
arguments and we forget just to have fun
and have like a date night where it
doesn't have to be out stay in and just
chat I mean it doesn't happen a lot
because we are quite busy but I mean
even last night I could tell my partner
when it's a chance I was like you know
what I just sat on the safe and we just
chatted for like an hour and it feels
good it feels really good but I suppose
that wasn't fun that we we can have fun
we can put on a film and watch the film
and laugh together now it is hard or
like when there are children involved as
well because you're just so exhausted at
the end of the day and it's all about
the kids but it's important to try and
make time for one another
where you can laugh and you can have
some fun and so yeah I suppose that
that's kind of what healthy relationship
looks like being able to compromise
listen to each other respect each other
interdependence where you're both
independent but you can rely on each
other as well having fun not building
resentments these are all things that
will make a healthy relationship and but
like I said I don't think any of us can
just focus solely on on the relationship
side we really need to deal with all the
UM
underlying issues of why our
relationships are unstable and because
for us when we make accusations and we
don't trust someone that a lot of that
is because of the intrusive thoughts our
self-image and our fear of abandonment
and so they're the kind of underlying
causes we need to get to the bottom of
that and deal with that and then we can
learn to trust because if you'd gone
back to me in my complete like phase of
my life which lasted for years if you
went back and said you just need to
trust your partner part of not like no
way here why are you asking me that
you've got something to hide are you
seeing him and I just want to listened
but but now I do
I do trust my partner Trust doesn't mean
he won't ever do anything and Trust
doesn't mean that just can't be broken
but I know for me it's really important
to have that trust it gives me a sense
of calm and our relationship is better
for it because no one wants to be
accused of something especially when
they're not they haven't done it and I
was constantly accusing partners of
doing stuff and sometimes they were and
sometimes they weren't but either way
mine it wasn't good for me it really
really was not good time I literally
felt like I was being eaten alive from
the inside out and it was a horrible
horrible place and I don't have that
today and if I was to say steps to take
to get a healthy relationship one thing
you can do is put the communication and
just talking and being open and trying
to see it from the other person
point of view trying to compromise at
times and we can't expect to have
everything our own way all the time and
we can't expect to never have anything
allow way because that's just not fair
and yeah like yeah communication I
suppose I know in DBT interpersonal
effectiveness is taught and that is all
about communication but even if you're
not doing DBT just learning to if
something is bothering you
porcupine calmly as soon as it starts
bothering you don't wait because then
something else might bother you and it's
built on and it's got the bigger and
bigger and bigger until you explode so
learning to as soon as something bothers
you talk about it and okay so just say
your partner said he didn't like your
jeans or she didn't like your jeans how
did how and that's obviously hurt us
what's wrong with our jeans and don't
say you hate us you don't like my jeans
you don't care about me because that's
what we do at you you you and then our
partner will go on the defense but the
way we can say is you know when you said
oh you didn't like my jeans when you
said that all right
I felt really hurt like I felt and then
it's kind of we're kind of taking
responsibility for our feelings not you
made me feel it's I felt this way when
you said this and yeah the way we
communicate and doing it respectfully
and rather than just doing it not
respectfully I'm going to leave that
there today guys but I hope you have a
wonderful wonderful wonderful weekend
and I love you you're late