Unstable relationships is one of the traits of BPD. Our relationships can be so unhealthy that we lose sight of what a healthy relationship looks like. In this vid I discuss traits of a healthy relationship and some steps we can take to have one.
hi guys happy Friday today I'm doing a video request from valiantly huh hello and she asked me to talk about what healthy relationship looks like and the steps you take to get there now for the sake of this video I'm going to talk about what a healthy relationship looks like I think the steps to get there are so there are so many kind of different routes and the reason for that is we know unstable relationship intense montt stable relationships is a trait of borderline personality disorder but it's not the only trade we also have our fear of abandonment a negative self-image error in splicer vanga our intrusive thoughts etc etc and so if we just try to focus on the relationship but we don't try and sort any of the other traits out our relationships going to carry on being unstable because like I said there's so many different factors for why our relationships are unstable I suppose with someone who doesn't have BPD and doesn't have these other traits and they just have relationship issues that's something they can just solely focus on but for us it's not the case we do need to kind of treat it as the full package so what does the healthy relationship look like because I know what a really really unhealthy relationship looks like and all my past relationships are really really unhealthy I never trusted anyone oh I would stalk people I was obsessive I would accuse them of stuff constantly I was verbally and physically abusive I would manipulate now I hate that word because to manipulate someone it's you're consciously trying to make them do something you want to do and it wasn't a conscious thing it was just subconsciously I would do it so I don't really like that word but I can understand why Outsiders would say we're manipulative so yeah my my relationships were not healthy and but today I have a healthy ish relationship and the reason it's healthy ish as opposed to healthy is that I'm human and my partner's human and we're all human humans make mistakes and that's okay and it's okay to recognize that there are times I might be feeling insecure and so I lash out and just say things that I might not mean and sometimes I might perceive something he said to not be actually what he said but I can recognize that now I would say the key thing in a healthy relationship is communication those of us with BPD struggle with this one because our perception of things can be different too because we often don't feel like we're heard and so we can bottle up our feelings and we let them build and build and build and eventually we just explode whereas if we kind of talked regularly about our feelings about any resentments that we're building that's a lot healthier because you're letting it out gradually and as opposed to just letting it build I used two people please through the max and want to be the perfect partner but the reason I did that was because I wanted them to be like oh my god she's so amazing and they might have been like that to start with but eventually it wore off and then I built a resentment with them because they weren't grateful for me my wonderfulness and yes well I would build the her resentment I hold on to and then they do something else that annoyed me another resentment building building building till I was like ah and I it's like a demon woman so it is important to be able to talk regularly without holding things in but there's more to communication than just talking it's how we communicate and communication isn't just talking it's being able to listen and just as we would like our views to be respected and our feelings to be respected we too should be respectful of our partners feelings so if they're not happy about something rather than just going on the attack just listen and think okay well their feelings are valid just as our feelings are valid it doesn't mean we have to agree with them but we can listen in a lot the time like I said about the manipulation I wanted things to go my way and if it didn't go my way I threw my toys out the prime relationships are very much based on compromise we you can never agree 100% on everything all the time you might pretend you can but that will just build the resentment in the long run but you can compromise on things and so both partners feel that they've been heard and listened to and respected codependency is one that I hear a lot and obviously codependency is not healthy neither is being independent 100% of the time a good healthy relationship is kind of based on interdependence where you feel connected to your partner you feel supported by your partner but you're also able to feel independent because there are always times where sometimes we just need to lean on someone and have a bit of support we don't have to feel like we're on our own all the time at the same time we don't want to rely on someone a hundred percent and boundaries having boundaries in place things we do not accept and that's both ways I mean it's really important for partners of people with BPD to have boundaries in place to protect themselves but also for us to have boundaries any relationship can have boundaries and one of those is having trust so I wouldn't particularly like it if my partner just wanted to go through my phone all the time and be checking my emails all the time because I mean if he did there's nothing there for him to see that he'd be like hum but it's kind of just having that try something actually I haven't done anything to kind of betray your trust and just likewise I would never dream of going through his I had this conversation with him the other day because his phone was out and it was unlocked and it was on the side and I couldn't just look down and I'm making coffee and I felt myself Wow a few years ago I would have been like going through checking his whatsapp checking his messages and now I don't want to do that cuz I respect his privacy and we have trust in our relationship now Trust is something that takes time to build it doesn't happen overnight but I find you've kind of got to put your trust in someone to a certain extent if they then break that trust that is different at least to start with you kind of put your trust in each other and so yeah boundaries are important things and the boundaries something right this is what I will not tolerate so for example if he decided to my pront decided I'm going out for a few nights and I'm not gonna tell her where I'm going up that's crossing a boundary for me you don't do that to your partner you don't do that someone you love I would be really really annoyed at that and and that's okay I think I have a right if he did that I think I would have a right to feel that way likewise if I just decided to go on out for a weekend and not call him tell him where I'm going and just disappear he would have a right to be annoyed because I would have crossed a boundary although going out is important while having separate lives having our separate friends being allowed to see other people we don't have to live in each other's pockets my partner's like the other and the night can I go out with my work friends for dinner yeah that would be really good for you but there was a time that that wouldn't have happened I would have said no you can't do that and I would make him feel so guilty that he wouldn't want to go but today is different and I have trust in him and I know the importance of him socializing and us not living in each other's pockets and he went out for dinner he came back he was in a great mood he had a lovely time and bearing in mind he works with nearly all women as well and so once upon a time that would have been such a big no-no for me but like I said we've kind of built up trust I also know I'm powerless over him if he was going to cheat he is going to cheat no matter how much I say no you're not going with your workmates or you're staying here but that's probably gonna make him do even more so I kind of think it were just gonna happen it's gonna happen but for my own sanity it's good for me to trust him because when I didn't trust people I felt like I was going insane constantly and the intrusive thoughts would literally mean around my mama 24/7 and that was not good for me I constantly walk around with that knot in my stomach that's sick feeling like oh my God he's gonna cheat on me like completely out of the blue and then think I'm gonna be sick because it just felt so real and that was not a nice way for me to live and I don't apply that today and it's so wonderful and that's not to say like I would never get insecure because I think again human we can have our insecurities and but I don't let them completely take over me and I don't let them interfere with my relationship with my partner I can even talk to him now having such a bad I feel so yeah and we can just talk about it and when I'm like that he can then support me by nice nothing oh you're not there and that's what I mean about being able to support one another as well so when we have times like that we do have someone that we can count on and another important thing is to have fun because it can so often turn into like Groundhog Day day in day out work arguments work arguments and we forget just to have fun and have like a date night where it doesn't have to be out stay in and just chat I mean it doesn't happen a lot because we are quite busy but I mean even last night I could tell my partner when it's a chance I was like you know what I just sat on the safe and we just chatted for like an hour and it feels good it feels really good but I suppose that wasn't fun that we we can have fun we can put on a film and watch the film and laugh together now it is hard or like when there are children involved as well because you're just so exhausted at the end of the day and it's all about the kids but it's important to try and make time for one another where you can laugh and you can have some fun and so yeah I suppose that that's kind of what healthy relationship looks like being able to compromise listen to each other respect each other interdependence where you're both independent but you can rely on each other as well having fun not building resentments these are all things that will make a healthy relationship and but like I said I don't think any of us can just focus solely on on the relationship side we really need to deal with all the UM underlying issues of why our relationships are unstable and because for us when we make accusations and we don't trust someone that a lot of that is because of the intrusive thoughts our self-image and our fear of abandonment and so they're the kind of underlying causes we need to get to the bottom of that and deal with that and then we can learn to trust because if you'd gone back to me in my complete like phase of my life which lasted for years if you went back and said you just need to trust your partner part of not like no way here why are you asking me that you've got something to hide are you seeing him and I just want to listened but but now I do I do trust my partner Trust doesn't mean he won't ever do anything and Trust doesn't mean that just can't be broken but I know for me it's really important to have that trust it gives me a sense of calm and our relationship is better for it because no one wants to be accused of something especially when they're not they haven't done it and I was constantly accusing partners of doing stuff and sometimes they were and sometimes they weren't but either way mine it wasn't good for me it really really was not good time I literally felt like I was being eaten alive from the inside out and it was a horrible horrible place and I don't have that today and if I was to say steps to take to get a healthy relationship one thing you can do is put the communication and just talking and being open and trying to see it from the other person point of view trying to compromise at times and we can't expect to have everything our own way all the time and we can't expect to never have anything allow way because that's just not fair and yeah like yeah communication I suppose I know in DBT interpersonal effectiveness is taught and that is all about communication but even if you're not doing DBT just learning to if something is bothering you porcupine calmly as soon as it starts bothering you don't wait because then something else might bother you and it's built on and it's got the bigger and bigger and bigger until you explode so learning to as soon as something bothers you talk about it and okay so just say your partner said he didn't like your jeans or she didn't like your jeans how did how and that's obviously hurt us what's wrong with our jeans and don't say you hate us you don't like my jeans you don't care about me because that's what we do at you you you and then our partner will go on the defense but the way we can say is you know when you said oh you didn't like my jeans when you said that all right I felt really hurt like I felt and then it's kind of we're kind of taking responsibility for our feelings not you made me feel it's I felt this way when you said this and yeah the way we communicate and doing it respectfully and rather than just doing it not respectfully I'm going to leave that there today guys but I hope you have a wonderful wonderful wonderful weekend and I love you you're late
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.