What if someone you love who you either think has BPD or has been diagnosed refuses to get any help? What if this person is a parent? What are your options?

hi guys today um I got requested to do
this video by Lara Lara asked me and she
asked about borderline personality
disorder parents that either won't admit
that anything is wrong or they just
outright refuse help what you do and I
think I've had actually quite a few
comments on the sit by similar thing
really from parents saying I think my
daughter or my son has this they refused
any help they refuse to acknowledge it
what do I do I've had it from partners
say my partner's good but they don't
want help
what do I do so I thought I will
definitely do this video and basically
if you know someone who either you
really really think has borderline
personality disorder or they have been
diagnosed with that the thing is we can
really really think someone has that but
we're not doctors we can't actually
diagnose them if they haven't been
diagnosed we cannot force someone to get
unless they are being a danger to
themselves or they are a danger to
people around them particularly
obviously if children are involved and
you think the children are at risk it
doesn't have to be physical harm it can
be emotional abuse emotional abuse is
just as bad
sometimes if not worse so unless that is
happening you cannot force someone to
get a diagnosis
if they have been diagnosed with
borderline personality disorder and you
know they have it but they still refuse
to acknowledge that anything is wrong or
or they know there's a problem but they
don't care they don't want help what you
do again we cannot force someone so it's
exactly the same as them getting a
diagnosis unless they want help there's
not much we can do unless the same thing
there are dangers themselves or they're
a danger to those around them
particularly children and then I think
we've kind of like for me I understand
what it's like having borderline
personality disorder and it's so hot and
it's so painful but we kind of have to
step back when there's children involved
we can't just put the person with the
borderline first and think well they're
really really suffering especially if
they're not wanting to do anything they
don't want help we kind have to detach
ourselves from that emotionally and say
we'll hang on all these children at risk
all these children being neglected are
these children being emotionally abused
or physically abused or you know like
what are the children seeing are they
seeing awful outbursts as their mom
drinking or using is their dad drinking
or using rah-rah-rah-rah rah-rah-rah and
just use our common sense because it is
hard and no one wants to think that
right you know what you don't want help
I'm going to go into the social services
or whoever and say we've got to put the
children first they're innocent little
children and I think that always has to
be our number one priority and if we
have concerns we have to raise them we
might not want to because it's almost
like we're grass and on person we're
telling on them
but actually I think it's a lot worse if
back and let those children go through
some things that can be really damaging
to them now this isn't the case for
everyone with borderline because most my
viewers and people that I've met with
borderline personality disorder
desperately want to get better and they
are trying to get as much help as they
want and they deserve and fair play to
them and fair play to you but there are
some who pulled that just completely in
denial or just I don't want help I don't
know why that is maybe it's because they
generally don't see a problem because it
has become so normal for them or maybe
they don't think they can be helped and
they think what's the point what's the
point in doing that because nothing will
work because there was a time I used to
think nothing would work I mean it
didn't stop me trying to get help but I
still didn't think anything would work
and it's only now that I've come through
it I'm like oh my god we can be saved
you know like this can be managed we can
be helped but for some people they don't
see that so I would definitely say you
can't force them but if there are
children involved and the children are
suffering in some way it's kind of our
responsibility to say something to
someone and get these children help and
hopefully in that process maybe the
person with borderline we push it in to
gain the help they need a lot of people
are really scared of like social
services coming in taking the children
and kids and it's really really not like
that I know you do hear bad stories I
know that but I've I've actually got one
of my best friends and she has lost
children through her addiction but you
can ask like her herself and she said I
just couldn't stop using so there was a
reason it was a
she gave up and then they took the kids
anyway she couldn't stop she has now had
other children while she's in recovery
and social services again run fall but
they realize she's a great mum today and
they step back and the case is closed
then they're not involved anymore
because they don't need to be they were
only there to protect the children and
so their people have this big fear but
from what I've seen social services do
try and help they're there for the
children basically not fast but then
what they will do is try and get you the
help you need to keep you mother and
father and child together they're not
there just to come and destroy families
again I know there are horror stories I
don't know any of any personally but I
have read but yeah there is a big fear
there but like I was saying maybe you'll
get the person with borderline the help
they need and then they can manage it
and then that way they will get the help
they need and the children will get the
support they need if it's not
necessarily children just say you're the
mum or dad or partner or ex-partner or
whatever of the person with borderline
personality disorder and you like they
don't want help
what do I do everything that I've just
said basically they're not a danger to
themselves or others and they don't want
to help you can't do anything what you
can do is put in boundaries for yourself
just because they don't help it doesn't
mean well they've got borderline they're
allowed to walk all over me and treat me
because they're not well because they're
not wanting to get help so you do have
to protect yourself and rely well no
you're not talking to me like that no
you're not borrowing money now you know
because I know I would attract anyone
down around me I know that I wasn't a
nice pair
and I didn't don't get me wrong I don't
believe it was actually me I believe it
was the illness that made me not a nice
person but I can take responsibility for
that now and and it doesn't mean it's
okay if the person I want help you can
still step back and say well do you know
what I don't deserve to be treated like
this and if you feel it's getting too
much for you take a break to say no I
need a break I need some time out
whether it's just not seeing them
whether it's just turning the phone off
or going to stay with family or friends
for a little bit
you've got to look after yourself
because if you don't and this person
drags you down and down and down in the
end will start affecting your mental
health you Saul came down and when you
all up down it's just not gonna help
anyone then we're gonna have two people
suffering instead of just the one so it
is important you do look out for
yourself as well I'm not saying you're
just like go away don't want to talk to
you you've got borderline you want to do
nothing about it because I do see it
from the other side of the person with
borderline and it's not their choice
they're like that but we do it has
people with borderline we have a choice
that we can recognize that our behaviors
aren't always right we even if we're not
entirely sure if a lot of people around
us are saying your behaviors aren't
right we have the choice to go to a
doctor and speak to a doctor and
possibly get a diagnosis if we do get
diagnosed we then have the choice of
what are we gonna do for our recovery
what treatments are available to us
I know treatments not available widely
to everyone but even little things like
a bit of self help getting some books on
DBT learning a bit of mindfulness there
are things we can do we do not have to
sit down and let this disease completely
control us I think I've covered
I heard four answered your question Lara
alright my lovelies the see you later
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

2 thoughts on “What If Someone Has BPD But Refuses to Admit There’s A Problem Or Get Help

  1. I have a 17 yr old daughter that has BPD. We are really struggling as a family. My daughter is 5 months pregnant, she has run away and is in a toxic relationship with another girl who has an intense criminal record. I’m trying desperately to save my child’s life. We experience all of these symptoms you talk about in your videos. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

    • Hi my lovely, I am so sorry it has taken me a while to respond. I can only imagine how you are feeling. There is hope for your daughter – BPD can be managed but in order for that to happen she needs to realise it’s a problem and to want to get help. I know as a parent you want to wrap her in cotton wool and I completely understand that being a Mum myself. Unfortunately you can not force her to do anything she doesn’t want. Unless of course she is a danger to herself and her unborn child. If this is the case you can always speak with social services. It is a tough decision because if you choose to go down that route it is likely your daughter will be even angrier at you, even though you would be doing it to protect her. Your other option is to try and be there for her. Maybe try and reach out to her and start rebuilding your relationship. At least she will know you are there if she needs you. Once you are talking perhaps you could guide her towards some of my videos or the other youtubers that do vids on bpd. If your daughter can see she is not alone that might help. She may also be able to relate to us and realise help is out there. Pregnancy is hard, let alone when someone suffers with BPD. Regarding the girl with the intense criminal record I would say that hopefully your daughter will see sense by the time the baby is born. If not, again social services are an option depending on what sort of thing this girl has done. I am so sorry I can’t be more of a help, but like I said it really depends on whether or not your daughter wants help. My advise would be to try and slowly rebuild your relationship with your daughter and sow seeds regarding help for the bpd, but not in a way that she would suspect you are trying to get her in to therapy. The first thing she needs to do is to realise she has a problem in the first place. Sometimes we have to go to a really dark place before we ask for help. I know that will be hard to hear but it is true. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we get help. In the meantime as a family you need to make sure you take time for yourselves – you need to be mentally strong and well. As a family support one another and know that things can improve. Sending you lots of love and luck and I really hope your situation improves quickly xxx

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